Getting Gamey

And in the interest of fair play...

An oldie but a goody. The gag, not Stormy.

We live in confusing times. The Left is currently trying to destroy Brett Kavanaugh by painting him as a wannabee rapist (and potential murderer) for perhaps inappropriately touching a girl at a party when they were both in their teens. Which he denies categorically, and we believe him.

But still, in order to be seen as anything but troglodyte sexist pigs, we're supposed to accept the idea that every woman is a gentle flower whose life can be ruined and psyche shattered by an unwanted physical advance. Fine.

But how are we supposed to square that notion in comparison to what the Left's current moral champion, Stormy Daniels, is saying in her new, soon-to-be-discounted book? Referring to her alleged tryst with Donald Trump, she says "I lay there, annoyed that I was getting f*cked by a guy with Yeti pubes and a dick like the mushroom character in Mario Kart." Yikes. No gentle flower, she. Yet despite this horrible experience, she hasn't subsequently shown signs of PTSD or the need for counseling.

Our point is that people - yes, even women - have entirely subjective reactions to things which occur in their lives. Reactions which can be radically different even in similar circumstances. And it is these subjective, emotional reactions which often become memories even more than the actual events which inspired them.

Which is why, in the absence of any evidence of wrongdoing, it would be a crime to deny Brett Kavanaugh his seat on the Supreme Court. Where he can safeguard the Constitution which states, however sadly, that it is not a crime for Stormy Daniels to write a sleazy book.

Blown Away

Liberal media is pretty much the definition of "an ill wind that totally blows."

By now, everyone has seen the infamous bit of video footage in which a Weather Channel reporter struggles to stay on his feet while braving the apocalyptic winds of Hurricane Florence, unaware that two guys casually strolling by in the background completely reveal the on-air (no pun intended) fakery.

It's pretty funny until one thinks about what a perfect visual metaphor it is for the way every news story seems to be reported these days. Everything is an emergency and looming disaster. Everything is a grave risk to our freedoms and our way of life. And everything depends on paying very, very close attention to the hyperventilating talking heads rather than what we can see with our own eyes in the background.

Every news outlet is guilty of this theatrical charade (yes, even Fox News) although no one can beat the Lefties for sheer hysteria and generating their own gale force winds. Is it merely a coincidence that the longtime slogan of MSNBC was "Leaning Forward?" We think not.  And frankly, Hurricane Donald isn't really helping the situation any.

Stilton's Place would like to see the journalistic histrionics turned way the heck down (tranquilizer darts are not out of the question) to decrease the dangerous and deliberate agitation currently polarizing our country.

Trust us, news media, when we say that contrary to Bob Dylan's admonition, the answer is not blowin' in the wind.

Taking A Week Off

We're taking this week off to attend to some necessary chores. Nothing's wrong, but there's just way too much to do. Besides, thanks to idiots like Cory Booker, the news is already pretty hilarious without our needing to add anything to it!

As always, the comment section will be open and we'll jump in if we get the chance. See you here on Monday the 17th!

BONUS!

We don't normally publish material from other sources, but this was just way too funny not to share. Brilliant!

Flight Risk

Yes, we know Trump doesn't actually drink. For which we are deeply grateful.

According to Bob Woodward's new tell-all book "Fear" and a recent New York Times op-ed which was allegedly written by "an anonymous White House official who we are totally not making up," President Donald Trump is an egotistical, mercurial boob who requires constant supervision by others to stave off disaster.

Yawn.

The accounts may or may not be 100% accurate, but we don't care - other than having a constant undercurrent of mild terror. Because many of us who voted for Trump, however reluctantly, knew all of this about him going in. We weren't really happy about giving the country's reins to a man whose thought process can be likened to a pinball machine, but the only other choice was inconceivably worse.

Going back to our cartoon metaphor, our plane was already in serious trouble and going down fast. Hillary Clinton would put us into a nose dive at maximum throttle, then cackle hysterically (when not coughing) all the way down to our fiery doom.

Trump, on the other hand, might seem to have a screw loose - but he had a record of somehow getting things accomplished and seemed sincere in his desire to save the day. And unlike Hillary's kamikaze scenario, Trump wouldn't be alone in the cockpit - he'd actually have a trained co-pilot, flight engineer, navigator, and others to help compensate for his inexperience and eccentricities.

Which brings us to the present. Woodward and the New York Times are reporting that dedicated White House staffers are working constantly to defuse Trump's bad ideas and help enable his good ideas - which is why this amateur President keeps racking up success after success.

In other words, we're seeing a scary process that produces good results rather than what, under Hillary, would have been a nightmarishly efficient process producing devastating results.

That doesn't strike us as being an entirely bad thing. Especially if the in-flight turbulence doesn't get bad enough to keep the flight attendant from rolling that drink cart our way on a regular basis.

The Greatest Sham on Earth

To the surprise of pretty much no one, the confirmation hearings for Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh erupted in shouts, shrieks, motions, emotions, and parliamentary nonsense before the judge's name was even announced.

Democrats, in what apparently was a pre-planned move to sabotage the proceedings, called for immediate adjournment in order to give them more time to slowly and thoughtfully pore over every word ever written by or about the nominee - a rather odd change of pace for the party which heretofore embraced the "pass it to see what's in it" policy of avoiding any actual reading.

Fetus-hating hecklers, sadly deprived of their pussy hats, also screamed hysterically from the gallery before being dragged out forcibly by security personnel, prompting Democrat Dick Durbin to admiringly characterize their shrill attacks as "the noise of Democracy." A noise which we think might be well matched with the ball-gag of decorum.

The hearings have a long way to go, but we're off to a predictably ridiculous and depressing start to a process which should be conducted with a degree of solemnity and seriousness of purpose. The very qualities we're hoping to see Judge Kavanaugh bring to the Supreme Court as soon as possible.

JUST SCREW IT

America's ongoing quest to always have something to be hyperventilating about has temporarily been satisfied by the announcement that Nike has named Colin "Kneepads" Kaepernick as their newest "Just Do It" spokesperson. Which is more than a little ironic, considering he wouldn't take that simple advice when it came to showing respect for our national anthem.

Nike's choice of Kaepernick certainly generated the publicity they were hoping for, but has also caused a few minor drawbacks. Specifically, a nearly $4 billion drop in their stock market value as well as a boom in highly entertaining Youtube videos in which people find creative ways to set Nike products on fire.

We also find a certain irony in Nike's desire to use Kaepernick to demonstrate their sense of "woke" social consciousness, considering that any of the underpaid sweatshop laborers who make their products overseas would probably be flogged senseless for staging a knee-bending protest during working hours.

But in the immortal words of Rhett Butler, we frankly don't give a damn about Nike, Kaepernick, or the horse they rode in on. And as far as a boycott of Nike products go, we enthusiastically say "Just do it."

The Jarlsberg Diaries: Labor Day Memories

Today is Labor Day, a national holiday on which we celebrate the labor unions which have improved working conditions and pay so dramatically that the actual jobs now go to illegal aliens, because that's the only way for many manufacturers to keep from going out of business.

Not that it's our intention to bash unions today! Over the years, they've accomplished many positive things and put an end to some horrific working conditions. If you doubt us, try looking up some vintage photos of 8-year old coal miners and then try to get their eyes and faces out of your nightmares.

That being said, our personal experience working in a union shop left us with a highly negative attitude. It was in the early 1970's, and we had to join the United Auto Workers to work at a Ford factory in Indianapolis, Indiana. It was a summer job to earn college money, and we were moved around from assignment to assignment to cover for vacationing employees.

Our first position was a night shift driving a forklift. The work was simple enough - transporting pallets of materials from one place to another. The problem was that there wasn't nearly enough work to fill the hours. When we asked the foreman what we should be doing to put in 8 hours of productivity, we were A) glared at for being a college-boy asshole and B) told that we should find a place to hide and sleep through the shift like everyone else did.

It seems the other forklift drivers did their work in the first hour, then retreated to hideaways inside stacks of boxes where there were makeshift beds, Playboy pinups, and the all-important alarm clocks which told our fellow workers when it was time to wake up and go home. Our Protestant work ethic wouldn't allow us to do this (not to mention our fear of being crushed by falling stacks of crates "accidentally" tipped by our coworkers) so we were soon moved to daytime work on the assembly line.

This particular assembly line was for building steering columns. Every nine seconds, a unit would roll slowly by and we'd perform one quick operation on it...then move on to the next and the next and the next. There was nothing challenging about getting our contribution done in nine seconds (the union had established that this was exactly the maximum amount of work a laborer could do)...but we soon learned there was a complication.

Every man on the line not only knew how to do his own job, but also his neighbor's job within that nine second window (and without breaking a sweat). And so one man would come in every morning, punch in for himself and the second worker (who was still at home in bed) and do both jobs until lunchtime. Then the second man came in and the first man left for the day - with both time cards punched out at the end of the shift. Management knew this, but didn't dare challenge the union.

The "half day, full pay" scam eventually reached its logical conclusion when two geniuses sharing job duties figured out that neither of them would have to come in if they simply had a third guy punching their time cards in and out. And that's what they did for a long time.

And it worked out great until people driving Fords started dying because their cars suddenly veered out of control owing to the missing part in the steering column.

A massive recall followed, millions of dollars were paid in liability settlements and, of course, the two workers who were to blame were fired.

Briefly.

Yes, the UAW got them their jobs back. So fire up your grills, have a great Labor Day and for the love of all that's holy drive carefully.

Labored Day

In the time it takes Charlie to wonder if it's safe to say "Quit monkeying around," his co-worker's noggin is chopped off.

We're taking a somewhat relaxed approach to the blog today in part as an early start to Labor Day weekend, but mainly because we're on an anti-allergy medication which is making us even more brain-dead than usual. Then again, maybe it's the "news" itself that's to blame.

Among the allegedly big stories are the ongoing observations of John McCain's death, and catty discussions of who has or hasn't been invited to his funeral. Full disclosure: despite our high profile in the nation's alternate media, we weren't invited to the funeral - perhaps owing to our frequent references to Senator McCain as "chipmunk cheeks."

In Florida, a white gubernatorial candidate with a black opponent (who happens to be a wild-eyed anti-Trump, anti-ICE, Bernie Sanders socialist) is being accused of blatant, howling racism after warning voters "don't monkey this up." Sadly, this is the sort of thing that happens when a politician wants to tell voters "don't f*ck this up" but then tries to ad-lib a more family-friendly word. The lesson, for anyone who needs one, is that it doesn't really matter what you say to or about a liberal - they will be offended.

Almost not in the news, unless you happen to be looking at Fox News under an electron microscope, is the story that Hillary Clinton's infamous private server was very likely hacked by the Chinese, who not only got every one of her emails but actually got her correspondence in real time owing to malware they put on her unprotected computer. Apparently authorities have been aware of this for years, but somehow no public declaration has been made about her compromising every top-secret document she ever laid her claw-like hands on. Unsurprisingly, the FBI has denied any possibility that this could be the case, because serial liar and Clinton butt-plug Peter Strzok says he personally checked it all out and everything was peachy.

In the entertainment industry, the upcoming film "First Man," about Neil Armstrong's amazing journey to the moon, is generating a lot of positive critical buzz...but also a bit of controversy. Why? Because in this socially conscious update, upon reaching the moon, the Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin characters don't put an American flag on the moon.

The scene was deliberately omitted to indicate that the achievement "transcended countries and borders." Or, in the petulant words of Barack Obama regarding other American accomplishments: "you didn't build that."

Frankly, the film now sounds like it transcends our need to see it.

"That's...one...small step...for man...one giant leap...for...obfuscating history."

Enjoy your Labor Day weekend, celebrate safely, and we'll see you back here on Monday!

The Return of Tan O'Clock News

As recently promised, we've added the "Tan O'Clock News" feature to keep it from being a waste of your time visiting on days when the news is slow or we happen to be afflicted with underproductivity. Hey, it happens to every guy and shouldn't be a cause for shame - right?But seriously, McCain is still dead, the Trump Investigation is still a completely bogus fustercluck, and it's no fun talking about a creepy basement-dwelling whackjob shooting up a videogame tournament (except to possibly wonder if his despicable crime will get him a slightly better cafeteria table in nerd Hell.)Of course, the announcement of a trade agreement with Mexico sent stock prices higher, but that's only "news" because nothing like it ever happened under Obama. Under Trump, it's been going on for over a year now.

So that's why you'r being treated to witty women again. Because we believe in celebrating minds.

EXTRA: DID YOU DO YOUR GOOD DEED DU JOUR?
We sent out a special email recently to alert the Stilton's Place community that one of our own was in need of assistance. For any of you who didn't receive it, the email discussed the physical and fiscal difficulties currently bedeviling (albeit not egg-related) one of our friends who visits the comments section frequently.

If you've got a couple of bucks to spare, or need to do penance for looking at the scantily clad ladies above, we encourage you to visit this GoFundMe page, read the story, and donate if you wish. Even small amounts from a bunch of good people really add up!

And to the many of you have already given generously, we can't thank you enough! 

John McCain

John McCain's passing is too big for us to ignore, yet we don't have a lot to say about the man other than he was unquestionably of importance, and that his personal story was...complicated.

There's debate about whether he was a hero or villain (or both, or neither). Some of the attacks on McCain, such as blaming him for the tragic fire aboard the USS Forrestal which took the lives of 134 men and injured 161 more, are oft-repeated but not true. Additional stories about his comportment during an extended period as a prisoner of war, and whether he truly earned the nickname "songbird" for speaking to the enemy, are hard to verify. Opposing stories describe his heroism while in the infamous "Hanoi Hilton."

He did, unquestionably, dedicate his life to public service. And that's something we respect, even if we didn't like most of his political stands (he was pretty much the original RINO), and even if his inept presidential run helped make Barack Obama our national nightmare for eight seemingly-endless years.

In the end, we can't weigh the worth of the man or know the entirety of what was in his heart. Which makes a moment of respectful silence all the more appropriate.

Hawaiian Aye-Aye-Aye!

A lot of people might get lei'd to rest...

Within the next few hours, we'll know if Hawaii has been devastated by its worst hurricane in decades, or if the fates have smiled once again on the islands and steered Hurricane Lane back out to sea.

If disaster is avoided, however, it certainly won't be because of anything the local government and emergency preparedness agencies have done (specifically on the island of Oahu, the home to Honolulu, Waikiki, and Pearl Harbor). To put it delicately, the officials' preparations would feel right at home on a pupu platter...because those plans are pupu from top to bottom.

A quick bit of back story: for many years, Stilton's parents lived on Oahu (a sibling still does), and so we were frequent visitors. The island is unquestionably spectacularly beautiful, but anything government has touched has gone straight to hell. Pretty much nothing works right in Hawaii, in part because the island's culture encourages a lackadaisical attitude toward anything like efficiency, responsibility, and basic competence. When visiting, our day-to-day mantra was "Nothing is easy in Hawaii."

It's among our most socialist states, with almost everyone getting some kind of handout from the government. It has the highest per capita homeless population of any state. Prices for everything are sky high. Their medical system has been described as that of a "third world country" owing to doctors fleeing the state because of unsustainably small payments from Medicare and Medicaid (a canary in the coal mine that we on the mainland had better pay attention to). And for many years, building standards were so lax (and builders so casually inept) that a significant percentage of homes offer no protection at all in case of emergency conditions. Frankly, Gilligan's Island had a way better model of sustainability in all ways.

Which now brings us to Hurricane Lane. Considering hurricanes are pretty much a known threat to Hawaii, you'd think they'd have emergency plans out the wazoo. But no, their plans remain firmly in their wazoos along with the residue of a lot of macaroni salad and Spam.

Residents are being warned to head to shelters for safety, but there are a few little problems with that. For one thing, no bureaucrats have bothered to keep a list of official shelters. In reviewing the shelters they can find, it seems that exactly none of them have been hardened to stand up to even a Category One hurricane (the weakest and most cuddly sized). But having the roof collapse on their heads may be the least of people's problems, because many of the shelters are located in flood zones. Apparently, the emergency preparedness folks never considered the likelihood that a hurricane just might be bringing along a buttload of rain.

If people do go to one of these unsafe shelters (and there's only room for about one fifth of the population), they're being told they'll have to survive in a 3 foot by 3 foot space for up to two weeks, they need to bring their own bedding and anything else important, and - oh yeah! - bring their own food. Because it never dawned on Hawaiian officials that people in shelters might actually need to eat. Although it being Hawaii, there's a fairly good chance that the waves crashing though the shelter doors will bring fresh fish, and coconuts will regularly be exploding through windows at 100 mph. So there are some benefits to living in Paradise.

We're obviously hoping the best for the people of Hawaii, but think this should serve as a graphic (and hopefully not deadly) reminder that there's a great danger in putting too much faith in government bureaucrats to watch after your safety, welfare, and future.

Which is, of course, exactly what those on the Left are shooting for. And if they get their way, we'll all be saying "Aloha" to our very way of life.

BONUS: ROOKIE MISTAKE

This got posted on Facebook on Wednesday, relating to the news of Michael Cohen trying to characterize Trump's hootchy-coo non-disclosure agreements into something more sinister.

Tan O'Clock News

Today, we're debuting an exciting and journalistically responsible new feature intended to give a stronger voice to women in the normally testosterone-charged, scotch-swilling, cigar-chomping game of bare knuckle political commentary.

Purely as an aside, we also didn't think the news looked all that interesting today, and we didn't want to stick you with another Earwigs cartoon (no matter how delightful they are).

And so, we launch a bold experiment: grabbing actual headlines from the Drudge Report and getting reactions from some of the brightest young thinkers we could find at the beach.

Let us know in the comments section if you'd like to see the sporadic return of this feature on slow news days. 

Lady readers should also let us know if you'd like to see a future version of this feature which includes Stilton dispensing wit and wisdom while wearing a Speedo and scented body oil.

Not actually Stilton. The beard and speedo are too big.

LATE BREAKING NEWS: 

Great. So after we declared it to be a slow news day, a whole bunch of feces hit the fan when the Tuesday evening news came on.

Michael Cohen pled guilty to multiple charges including campaign finance violations, and is pinning the blame squarely on Trump (this regarding hush money paid to women who found sex with Trump so incredible that they couldn't resist talking about it even for 6-figure paydays).

Paul Manafort was found guilty on 8 out of 18 charges, virtually none of which have anything to do with Trump and everything to do with the fact that Manafort is a crooked scumbag. BUT, with an eye towards sentencing, who knows what kind of anti-Trump accusations Manafort will now make to try to save his own rear end?

Then tragically, we learned that missing Iowa college student Mollie Tibbetts's body was found when her alleged killer - a Goddamned illegal alien - led police to her corpse.

Who knew that a blog post that started off in such a light-hearted and eye-pleasing way would end with so much ugliness?

Clan MacGregor, here we come.

A Little Beard Told Me

The news was just a big old "nope" as we were looking for stories today. Granted, some headlines on Drudge briefly caught our attention and caused us to think of reflexive punchlines...

"Baby kissed by Pope overcomes brain tumor" - Pontiff defends use of tongue.

"Twitter admits: we lean left" - In other breaking news, water still wet, sky still blue.

"Nudists see memberships soar" - If your membership soars for more than four hours, see a doctor.

"Al Sharpton botches spelling of R-E-S-P-E-C-T" - Also regrets calling late singer "Urethra Franklin."

"Congressman warms up rally with Trump death joke" - Because frankly, what the hell else can a Democrat say to get a crowd excited?

See what we mean? Anyway, all of the above is why you're being treated to another Earwigs cartoon. By all means feel free to supply your own punchlines in the comments section!