Dazed Dreaming

We're enjoying the midweek fantasy above to help carry us through yet another day of media (and stomach) churn. As of this writing, the actual honest-to-gosh state of President Trump's health is unknown and, apparently, unknowable. Mike Pence and Kamala Harris are still scheduled to debate, and we fully expect Kamala to accuse Pence of racism, extreme white privilege, homophobia, and masterminding the gang rape of young girls in High School. Hey, it got her on the media's radar once already, right?

Mail-in ballots (solicited, not mailed out willy-nilly) have arrived at the Jarlsberg household, and we'll probably get them mailed out within 24 hours. We'll be treating them as "get well" cards for the President and, hopefully, our nation.

BONUS: "WILL YOU SHUT UP, MA'AM?!"

Michelle Obama recently posted a Youtube rant in which she flat out calls Donald Trump a racist. Which made it seem appropriate for us to raid the vault for this old cartoon that reminds us why we never liked her and never will...

(from July 27, 2016)

The Democratic convention is in full swing which, through Herculean effort, we will not use as a set up for a joke involving nooses. Oh sure, it would be funny - but (to quote Richard Nixon) "it would be wrong, that's for sure."

Especially since one of the opening evening's speakers was Michelle Obama, the wife of our nation's first half-white black president, there to give a ringing endorsement to Hillary Clinton - the wife of our nation's first all-white black president.

Choosing, as ever, to take the high road, Michelle whined for the umpteenth time that she wakes up each day in a house built by slaves - which she apparently finds more upsetting than having her pricey wardrobe, dozens of personal "assistants," and luxury 5-star vacations paid for by slaves.

The Plague's The Thing

It remains to be seen whether last week's White House Rose Garden event will be remembered as the day President Trump presented Amy Coney Barrett as his Supreme Court nominee, or as the first meeting of the Biden transition team. Because every friggin' nitwit in the photo above who isn't wearing a mask has helped reduce Trump's chance of winning in November.

It's no great mystery how to avoid SARS-CoV-2: wear a mask for the protection of others, observe social distancing, and wash your damn hands. Had that been made a national priority and the message expressed clearly and truthfully from the beginning (thanks, Dr. Fauci, you lying dog) we wouldn't have even needed the shutdown.

And had President Trump consistently made this message clear, with both words and his own personal behavior,  then we'd already be well into a thriving and prosperous "new normal." But no. The protocol for avoiding a major Covid-19 outbreak in the White House was laughably ineffective, and almost certainly because of a "trickle down" disdain for common sense measures originating from the man in the Oval Office. 

Masks? Social distancing? Taking temperatures? All were largely ignored...and now the inevitable has happened. We could soon be looking at a Biden presidency (followed within hours by a Kamala Harris presidency) owing to the hubris of those who apparently didn't believe in science after all.

Many of you readers, dear friends all, aren't going to be happy with us for saying that. So just imagine how unhappy we are for having to write it. 

We certainly hope that the President (and the people in his immediate circle) will recover fully and quickly, that he will win re-election, and that everyone will have learned that virology and politics really don't mix.

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On a barely other note, this latest 2020 nightmare event has been a hard gut punch to our already wobbling last glimmer of optimism. And thinking about the upcoming election, we've been reminded of an old joke which sums up exactly how we're feeling about the important choice America is about to make...

You Can Debate On It

Following the entertaining but unenlightening free-for-all shoutfest debacle of 2020's first President Debate, new rules are being put into place to help assure that the next faceoff will be more dignified.

To that end, the candidates will have anvils on fraying ropes dangling over their heads as they sit in dunking booths above shark tanks. Should a candidate interrupt his opponent during a protected two minute speaking period, campaign representatives will be allowed to pitch baseballs at the dunk tank bullseye of the offending party until he either shuts the hell up or plunges into the pre-chummed water below.

Obviously, selecting the right representatives to pitch those balls becomes a critical element of the new debate strategy. "I brought the Big Ten back," boasted President Trump, "I'll have no problem getting a ball handler. And if you turn that into a Stormy Daniels joke, you're losing your press pass."

Exhibiting similar confidence, Joe Biden says "When it comes to throwing forcefully and accurately, you can't beat my Antifa guys. C'mon man, have you seen what those bastards can do with a Molotov cocktail?!"

Responding to nearly universal criticisms, the Rules Committee has also set up a mechanism by which debate viewers will be able to cast real-time votes on the performance of the moderator. Should audience approval slip below 70%, the host will be attacked by rabid hyenas.

Asked whether this might violate the Constitution's prohibition of cruel and unusual punishment, Supreme Court nominee Amy Coney Barrett wisely opined, "Well sure, it's cruel...but as long as they use the hyenas in all future debates, it won't be unusual. I give it a thumbs up!"

As should we all.

YIKES! BREAKING NEWS:

Of course, not everyone has heard the news yet...

Par For Discourse

EDITORIAL NOTE: Owing to deadline constraints, we were forced to write our debate coverage before the actual debate had taken place. That being said, we're pretty sure that our account will still accurately reflect what really took place.

Hey, get an Oval Office you two!

For once, everyone from Fox News to CNN is in complete agreement about last night's first Presidential debate between Donald Trump and Joe Biden. Their unanimous verdict: it was a "mutual lovefest."

From the very beginning, it was clear that the two candidates not only have deep and abiding affection for one another, but also professional respect and admiration.  Memorable moments include Donald Trump's declaration that, with 47 years of public service, Biden is "living proof that there is no substitute for experience in high office." To which the former Vice-President quipped, "Yes, but it's this wonderful man right here who opened my eyes to the greatness of America."

Of course, the evening was not without fireworks. At one point, Donald Trump threatened to leave the debate stage unless moderator Chris Wallace would "stop showing your damn anti-Biden bias with all these gotcha questions and the fake news about his son, Hunter!" before apologizing to his opponent, saying "I wanted Juan Williams to host this thing, but nooOOooo."

The debate was marked by multiple variations of phrases like "Joe makes a very, very good point," and "C'mon man, how could I do that better than The Donald?" In fact, both candidates were so reluctant to voice any criticism of their opponent that Chris Wallace frequently had to break uncomfortably long silences to coax either Trump or Biden to say anything at all.

The event ended with President Trump presenting Joe Biden with a huge bouquet of flowers and a "Biden 2020" tiara, after which the former Vice President, dabbing tears, broke social-distancing protocol by affectionately shnuzzling the President's neck. "One thing's for sure," concluded moderator Wallace, "whoever wins, a fully unified America will be in good hands."

Grin and Barrett

President Trump has nominated Amy Coney Barrett for the vacant seat in the Supreme Court, and Liberals are apoplectic. Judge Barrett has previously been praised by Republicans and Democrats for her intelligence, integrity, and a long record of making decisions based on the Constitution rather than her personal beliefs. Democrats are saying, not inaccurately, that a new Supreme Court Justice who actually takes her oath seriously could mess up a lot of their plans for the future.

And so they want to take her down, but it's not going to be easy - Barrett is such an exceptional scholar, mother, wife, and human being that she pretty much makes the rest of us look like sinful, underachieving pond scum.

Which is why the Left is attacking her for having adopted two black children from Haiti (she also has five biological children, including a special needs son) saying, "transracial adoption is fraught with trauma and potential for harm." And they may have a point: just look at the sad case of a small black boy who was raised by privileged white people instead of his biological parents and grew up, tragically, to be Barack Obama.

TAKING DEBATE

Tuesday night will see the first Presidential Debate between Donald Trump and Joe Biden, and we can expect to see even more fireworks than Antifa throws at cops during "mostly peaceful" riots.

There are reports that Joe Biden has been "training aggressively" for the event, which made us think of this cartoon from the vault...

And while we were looking for that cartoon, we also encountered a Hope n' Change post from 2016 that has whole new layers of meaning when viewed from today's perspective. Remember VP Biden being put in charge of a counter-offensive against Russian election meddling? How about Trump suggesting a drug test for his debate opponent four years ago? There's enough fun stuff that we're sharing it here in its entirety...

JOE BYTE 'EM (Originally published 10/17/2016)

Sometimes, a news story is so ripe that we can't make up our minds about what comedic direction to take - especially if it involves Joe Biden. So here's a Monday twofer!

In case you're lucky enough not to know the convoluted tale that we're referring to, the Obama administration has accused Russia of hacking the email accounts of Hillary, her campaign manager, and Democrats in general and giving the information to Wikileaks in order to criminally influence our sacred national election by revealing the truth about how despicable everyone on the left is.

Hope n' Change isn't buying the whole "Russian plot" scenario for several reasons: it's of no obvious benefit to Putin, the theory is being advanced by congenital liars who are in full fanny-covering mode, and so far zero evidence of Russian involvement has been offered. Frankly, we think this is all an orchestrated con game intended to soften up Americans for government seizure of the election process in the name of "security."

But that hasn't stopped Joe Biden (apparently taking time off from his extra-special presidential "moonshot" assignment to cure cancer) from declaring that the U.S. is about to engage in a full-blown cyber attack on Russia. Although the odds of our pulling off a sneak cyber attack just got a helluva lot worse thanks to the motor-mouthed veep.

The idea of Old Blank Joe being anywhere near cyber warfare is terrifying - but no more so than the latest brainstorm from Donald Trump...

Grab 'em by the pissy.

On Saturday, Trump said "(Hillary and I) should take a drug test prior (to the final debate), because I don't know what's going on with her. At the beginning of her last debate she was all pumped up at the beginning and at the end she was like, 'Oh, take me down.' "

Trust us, Donald - that describes a lot of us who saw that debate.  

Ruthless 2 - The Sequel

Everyone grieves in their own private way. For instance, our personal way of expressing grief is to give the corpus delicti about 48 hours of holding our tongue, after which we feel free to mock them again if, in life, they were something of a pain in the ass.

Mind you, we have our limits and would never write something as tasteless as saying that rather than burial or cremation, the fiercely pro-abortion Ginsburg specified that her skull be crushed with forceps, after which her limbs would be snipped off and removed one at a time, with all the messy pieces of her teeny tiny body ending up in a rusty dumpster behind a Planned Parenthood office. Others might say it, but not us. It's a little thing we like to call "class."

So to satisfy our urge for feistiness, let's dive into some...

SHORT TAKES

• Biden's campaign team has him "calling it a day" with regards to press exposure by about 9 or 10 in the morning lately. Is it possible that Biden is "sundowning?" For those unfamiliar with the term, it's a common condition for those with dementia in which symptoms and confusion grow worse later in the day or when the sun goes down. (Update: apparently we're not the only ones thinking about this possibility)

• Still reeling from panic-buying of toilet paper and hand sanitizer, grocery stores nationwide are now finding their shelves stripped of popcorn prior to Tuesday's first presidential debate. Okay, not really - but talk about "must see" TV! Although we're still betting that Biden's camp will find some excuse to back out. 

• The usual suspects are rioting in Louisville over their dissatisfaction with a grand jury's finding that the police officers associated with the death of Breonna Taylor had not broken the law and for the most part acted absolutely appropriately. There was no evidence of racism in the entire event, which didn't stop this protesting asshole from allegedly shooting two cops in downtown Louisville...

This is Larynzo Johnson, whose parents clearly won no spelling bees

The two officers, one of whom is black, are expected to recover. Which, for all we know, will set off yet more riots.

Wish Vigorously For At Least 20 Seconds

Ruth Bader Ginsburg died at the worst possible moment, because she might well have cast the tie-breaking vote when the Supreme Court decides whether our nation's highest legal standards rest on the Constitution or on a dying person's "most fervent wish."

Certainly, there's no debate amongst those on the Left: a "most fervent wish" or "final wish" wins every single time and takes precedence over all other legal considerations as long as the decedent wasn't a conservative who was, by definition, hellbound.

But if we accept this as precedent, surely more needs to be done to formalize and codify fervent last wishes. Sure, Ginsburg's granddaughter claims that the late Justice's most fervent wish was to not let Trump pick her replacement, but how do we know with certainty that RBG's real final, most fervent wish wasn't just to "break me off a piece of that KitKat bar?"

For that reason, it strikes us as important that all fervent final wishes be entered onto a pre-need 1040-FFW form, notarized, and recorded with the appropriate government office to expedite eventual enforcement. Indeed, filling out the 1040-FFW form should become a crucial component of every family's estate planning.

How else can we ensure that final fervent wishes are honored, such as Nancy Pelosi's wish to make Botox free for elected officials, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez's wish that someone would finally clarify the difference between an ass and an elbow, Wilford Brimley's fervent final wish that we all eat a lot more oatmeal, Hillary Clinton's wish that a movie be made in which she is depicted as ruling Wakanda under the name "The Black Pantsuit," or Joe Biden's wish that Alaska and Hawaii will someday be made U.S. states?

Of course, some wishes - even those properly filed and notarized - will be difficult to execute, such as George Floyd's fervent final wish that he hadn't taken a lethal dose of fentanyl. Is such a wish even actionable? We won't know until a decision is issued by a fully-staffed Supreme Court... hopefully long before November.

Ruthless

Note: This is not a Ruth Bader Ginsburg joke. It is a "wise Latina" joke.

Even though we can no longer hear or see the spinning blades, yet more crap has hit the fan in 2020. In this case, the passing of Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg at age 87. You don't have to have agreed with her politics to concede that she was a formidable and groundbreaking woman who accomplished a lot, and who fought a terrible illness with great strength and bravery. 

Now there is an empty seat on the Supreme Court, and yet another battle royale over whether President Trump has the right to try to push through a replacement in what could possibly be the final days of his administration. As both political parties have passionately argued both sides of the issue in the past (unsurprisingly, they were in favor of whatever would most benefit them politically at the moment), we can effectively ignore whatever they're yammering about now.

Instead, let's look into the more interesting subject of just who Donald Trump will nominate for the position. He has already announced that he thinks the nominee should be a woman, which probably comes as a disappointment to Ted Cruz, whom Trump had declared to be on the short list. Then again, since Trump has never formally withdrawn his accusation that Ted Cruz's father helped assassinate JFK, it seems likely that a confirmation hearing could have gotten a wee bit contentious.

Personally, we'd like to see Trump nominate Hillary Clinton for the post because, in confirmation hearings, it would be hilarious to hear her endlessly invoking the Fifth Amendment or claiming memory lapses owing to head injuries. And BONUS - a fresh FBI investigation of her entire past!

So as President Trump reflects on who he wants to add to the Supreme Court, let's open the vault door to reflect on some relevant cartoons from the past...

Fatherly Wisdom

It is said that those who forget History are doomed to repeat it. Which is also true of other required classes like English and Biology, even though those subjects don't have snappy catchphrases.

But as we watch the current political power grab and the dismaying loss of moral clarity in the streets, we might do well to look to the lessons which history has to tell us. 

And so, as a special Friday treat, we present this instructive tale translated by Stilton's father. And yes, the film rights are available.

SIDE NOTE: 

This story really was written by my Dad - one of many he wished to compile in a book called "Sinister Tales for Sinister Children." Presumably so kids besides me and my siblings would be able to grow up filled with anxiety and paranoia.

One of these days, I still hope to put that book together. 

Totflix

By now, everyone has heard about the Netflix film "Cuties," which attempts to answer the burning societal question "can an 11-year-old Muslim girl find happiness by turning her back on family, joining a gang of misfit young girls, learning to twerk, and then grinding her pubic region on the floor in front of an audience while pretending to give a handjob?"

And the answer is no - it doesn't make her happy, although it does teach her how to jump higher than she could before when playing jump rope. No, really.

Many people are outraged that the filmmakers had actual 11-year-old actresses doing things that, in the words of prestigious film critic Mrs. J, "make you want to puke." But Netflix (under the guidance of luminaries like Barack and Michelle Obama) is defending the film by pointing out that its real message is that sexualizing pre-teen children for media consumption leads to nothing good for those girls if you don't count them getting into the movie business. Where, if they act quickly, they might catch the attention of Roman Polanski. 

Seriously, the film is a disjointed mess of largely unconnected and nonsensical scenes, interspersed with wildly inappropriate sexual content (at one point, the lead character goes into a frenzied pelvic-grinding, floor-humping trance state from which she can't be awakened...much to the dismay of a visiting imam).

Whether or not this is child pornography is a subject for the courts. But it's unquestionably bad for kids and bad for what little remains of our culture. And we can't wait to hear the highly-paid Obamas say so.

PLANETARY BODY

Researchers have announced that they have recently found possible signs of life on Venus, raising the real possibility that the Democrats are going to have to quickly print up a lot more mail-in ballots for our new neighbors.

The scientists involved have based their speculation on the discovery of phosphine gas in the atmosphere of Venus. A gas which is usually associated only with microbial activity (think "itty bitty farts") or human industrial activity (think much larger farts and unions). 

Should further research prove definitively that there is life on Venus, the next step will involve bringing a sample of the bio-organism back to Earth to study in a high-security site with impeccable containment capabilities and controls. Assuming, of course, that Joe Biden isn't still using it to broadcast from.

Cue Anon

Accusations have been flying that Joe Biden is using a teleprompter when speaking to reporters, and his campaign spokesman isn't saying otherwise - preferring to say "I won't dignify that question with an answer." A phrase which they are no doubt working hard to teach Joe Biden to say during debates - although it remains to be seen if he can get it out correctly when there's no trainer with gumdrop rewards.

But if Biden is possibly having problems speaking for himself, there are plenty of others out there to speak for him. As evidenced by this genuine, unedited snippet from a recent Biden campaign video...

It's worth checking out the actual clip at the link above, because it's deliciously uncomfortable. Kamala Harris laughs hysterically at every syllable uttered aloud and Obama is clearly so bored that he can barely keep his eyes open.

And perhaps to help keep the nation's eyes open, we have this development...

Okay, we just made this up after watching the tortuous pre-game racial lecturing and singing of the new Black National Anthem, "Lift Every Voice in Song, Doo-Dah, Doo-Dah," before whatever the hell NFL game it was that was on TV Sunday.

We bailed out before actually hearing who the competing teams were because, in the words of Gone With the Wind's Rhett Butler, "they can all go f**k themselves."

Won By A Nose

Fun trivia: Liberals can't possibly finger out this punchline!

The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences has announced a new initiative to help ensure that the Oscars will now be as insufferable and annoying as, oh, a major league football game. Specifically, no film will even be considered for "Best Picture" unless it tags enough social justice bases by having a lead role performed by an "underrepresented racial or ethnic group," has at least 30% of the supporting actors be from underrepresented groups (including LGBTQ+, the cognitively disabled, and the hard-of-hearing), has a storyline centered on one or more of these groups, and/or has a sufficient number of  crew members behind the cameras who come from these groups. 

In other words, we're going to be seeing Jussie Smollet in a lot of leading roles (the new Black Panther?) and a metric ass-load of films listing Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson, and the Obamas as Executive Producers.

But of course, there are other prestigious awards besides the Oscars. And guess who just got nominated for one...?

Yes, President Trump has been nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize owing to his diplomatic work in the Middle East and North Korea, scaling down current wars, and keeping the largest military power on Earth (us!) from getting involved in any new wars.  Sure, all of that isn't quite as impressive as Barack Obama's Nobel Peace Prize-winning accomplishment of simultaneously being Black and having well-creased pants, but still...not bad for a White guy.

Of course, the President still has his critics. Much is currently being made of the revelation from Bob Woodward's new book, "All The President's Mendacity" (just kidding, though we think Woodward really missed an opportunity here) that President Trump knew of Covid-19's risks early on, but undersold them to the public in order to prevent panic.

Although Joe Biden was discouraging any action against the virus at the time, he now feels strongly that Trump was in the wrong...

NINETEEN YEARS LATER - NEVER FORGET

As always, September 11 weighs heavily on my heart - and this year the division in our nation makes it all the worse. After that awful attack, there was a brief period of unity among Americans. It didn't last, but at least it existed.

If we suffered such an event today, I don't believe we'd come together as a people. It would simply be more fuel on an already raging fire.

Somehow, I hope we can find our way to a future in which national unity is at least possible. And to get there, we could do a lot worse than taking time to remember the solemn lessons of the past.