The Heller Report

"It's the best there is," Doc Daneeka agreed.

The "lightly redacted" Mueller Report has been made public and, predictably, it's not changing a single mind regarding President Trump's guilt or innocence. Not that the anti-Trump forces are exactly sure what Trump is guilty of other than his repeatedly pointing out that a two-year phony investigation was, indeed, a phony investigation.

An attempted political coup, in fact, which we're certainly hoping Attorney General Barr will be pursuing thoroughly, relentlessly, and hopefully mercilessly.

The Mueller Report clearly establishes that neither Trump nor anyone in his circle had anything to do with Russian collusion, and that sufficient evidence to cause Obama's justice department to spy on Trump's campaign never actually existed - everything was based on a fabricated (and transparently ridiculous) dossier which was paid for by Trump's opposition in the 2016 election: Hillary Clinton and the DNC.

Failing to find evidence of, well, anything truly damaging to Trump, Robert Mueller packed his report with snarky anecdotes about Trump being a volatile and chaotic personality surrounded by staffers who keep him from making big mistakes.

Well, duh - that's exactly what we voted for! The system is working!

To expand further on this point (and make it simple enough for even our liberal friends to understand), let's travel back to a post we made last year which explains why we don't give a rat's rear end about anything in the Mueller Report...

SEPT 7, 2018 - FLIGHT RISK

Yes, we know that Trump doesn't drink, for which we give thanks daily. This is a metaphor.

According to Bob Woodward's new tell-all book "Fear" and a recent New York Times op-ed which was allegedly written by "an anonymous White House official who we are totally not making up," President Donald Trump is an egotistical, mercurial boob who requires constant supervision by others to stave off disaster.

Yawn.

The accounts may or may not be 100% accurate, but we don't care - other than having a constant undercurrent of mild terror. Because many of us who voted for Trump, however reluctantly, knew all of this about him going in. We weren't really happy about giving the country's reins to a man whose thought process can be likened to a pinball machine, but the only other choice was inconceivably worse.

Going back to our cartoon metaphor, our plane was already in serious trouble and going down fast. Hillary Clinton would put us into a nose dive at maximum throttle, then cackle hysterically (when not coughing) all the way down to our fiery doom.

Trump, on the other hand, might seem to have a screw loose - but he had a record of somehow getting things accomplished and seemed sincere in his desire to save the day. And unlike Hillary's kamikaze scenario, Trump wouldn't be alone in the cockpit - he'd actually have a trained co-pilot, flight engineer, navigator, and others to help compensate for his inexperience and eccentricities.

Which brings us to the present. Woodward and the New York Times are reporting that dedicated White House staffers are working constantly to defuse Trump's bad ideas and help enable his good ideas - which is why this amateur President keeps racking up success after success.

In other words, we're seeing a scary process that produces good results rather than what, under Hillary, would have been a nightmarishly efficient process producing devastating results.

That doesn't strike us as being an entirely bad thing. Especially if the in-flight turbulence doesn't get bad enough to keep the flight attendant from rolling that drink cart our way on a regular basis.

Cheeky Excuse

Now THAT'S what we call a Buttigieg!

We're taking the day off to attend to some non-emergency family business, but wanted there to be at least a minor visual reward for those who showed up here today. Which is why we're sharing this picture of an absolutely spectacular straw hat.

Durable, inexpensive, made from renewable materials, and offering great protection against the sun's damaging rays, we can't recommend straw fedoras highly enough. Whether you get an ornate hat woven from pampas grass, or a much humbler hat woven from not-so-pampas grass, you'll be sporting a style which we can all enthusiastically get behind, without the cost putting you in arrears!

We'd say more, but oddly we keep losing our train of thought. Or, to get to the bottom of things, we keep thinking about cabooses...

Have a great weekend and see you back here on Monday!

Torch Bearer

When an important icon of western civilization goes up in flames, as the Notre Dame cathedral in Paris did on Monday, experts tell us that the best way to cope with our collective grief is to make tasteless jokes about it. And by "experts," we mean the craftsmen who distill Clan MacGregor scotch.

We don't, of course, find anything remotely funny about the Notre Dame blaze...although we do find it "funny" that French authorities issued a report saying that the inferno couldn't possibly have been caused by arson or, God forbid, terrorism...even before launching a real investigation. Presumably, that report must have been authored by the French equivalent of James Comey, who is unclear about the proper sequencing of investigations, conclusions, and exonerations (at least, when there's a political agenda involved).

Fortunately, a lot of the great cathedral survived the flames, and donations are pouring in to rebuild the structure, perhaps with some important updated features which better reflect modern France, like state-of-the-art fire extinguishing systems, broadband wi-fi, and minarets.

BONUS: SOMETHING'S BERNING...

In a special Fox News town hall meeting, Democrat front runner (and yes, we're stunned to be writing those words) Bernie Sanders got a chance to air his bombastic socialist talking points. Oddly, the event was treated seriously by Fox News, who are said to be trying to arrange another town hall with Democrat wunderkind "Mayor Pete" Buttigieg, whose name we can neither pronounce nor say with a straight face. It is unknown if similar events will be planned for the other 93 currently named Democrat candidates for president.

For us, the highlight of the town hall came when it was pointed out that his bestselling book has made Bernie a multi-millionaire (presumably an evil one, since there's no other kind) who could voluntarily pay the higher taxes he deems a "fair share" versus the far lower taxes established by Donald Trump. So has he done that?

Bernie hemmed and hawed, but eventually admitted he hasn't voluntarily paid an extra cent in taxes in the name of fairness or eliminating income inequality. After which he started babbling about why the American Dream isn't about the freedom to make great wealth, but is rather about getting free healthcare, a free education, and "when (people) turn on the water, have drinkable water and not toxic water."

Presumably, Mr. Sanders' next bestselling book will be about hydration and hypocrisy.