2019 - The Year In Review (Part One)

How time flies when the world looks like a dumpster fire! 2019 is nearly behind us and a new decade beckons in much the same way that the songs of sirens lured sailors onto jagged rocks. Which is why we think Greta Thunberg should spend more time sailing her yacht around the Greek islands without a life preserver.

But the young eco-warrior wasn't the only one who would be acting childishly in 2019, as we saw beginning in the earliest days of...

JANUARY


Removing any lingering doubts that 2019 might not suck with the intensity of an immense black hole, Nancy Pelosi wrapped her claw-like talons around a ceremonial gavel (which she refers to as "my precious") as she was restored to the lofty position of Speaker of the House of Representatives.

"Let each of us pledge that when we disagree, we will respect each other and we will respect the truth," said the aging harpy who showed her respect for the President by saying that listening to him was like being sprayed with "skunk tinkle."

However, Nancy's gift for insulting tactfully was not shared by all Democrats...



Rashida Tlaib, an incoming Muslim Congresswoman from Michigan (we believe from the district of Dearbornistan) capped off her swearing in by declaring of President Trump, "We're going to impeach that motherf*cker!" despite not having any reason to do so. This is what we in professional journalism refer to as "foreshadowing."

Or perhaps Tlaib was simply offended by the "climate of hate" created by Donald Trump, which inspired horrifying acts of cultural violence like...



Kids on a field trip to Washington from Covington Catholic High School posed for a group picture which was photobombed by a tom-tom thumping Native American (and long-term liberal activist) who got in the face of a MAGA-hat wearing kid. The young man did not react other than to smile, for which the mainstream media labeled him a Nazi, and compassionate liberals on Twitter demanded the student's death.

But sadly, this brave stand against people wearing red hats failed to prevent another horrendous confrontation in...

FEBRUARY

 

Actor Jussie Smollett put on a bravura performance (and demonstrated the critical importance of scriptwriters) when he claimed that two Trump supporters (who happened to be loitering outside at 2 a.m. during an arctic cold wave) jumped him, beat him, put a noose around his neck, and sprayed him with an unidentified liquid which was possibly skunk tinkle.

Despite an entirely predictable tidal wave of support and outrage from the liberal media, it turned out that Jussie had hired two Black extras from his show to stage the mugging as a salary-boosting publicity stunt.

Still, just because one racist attack turned out to be a complete fraud, it didn't mean America should be let completely off the hook...

To ramp up his political visibility, Joe Biden traveled to Munich to disparage our nation as an "embarrassment" for our treatment of (ahem) "refugees."  He was apparently unaware that Germany has had its own problems with setting government policies to find a final solution to the problem of unwanted masses of people.

But Uncle Joe's cluelessness was like a faint, flickering light compared to the supernova of ignorance represented by another freshman Congressperson...

 

Former and future barmaid Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, likely high on energy drinks, introduced the "Green New Deal" - a comprehensive plan to save the Earth from Global Warming by destroying our nation's energy system, ending air travel, and replacing every single home and building in the country. And all for the low, low cost of just $93 trillion! 

Of course, instituting a plan like that would require a Democrat in the White House in 2020. A notion which kicked into high gear in...

MARCH

 

Hillary Clinton declared that she is not running for President in 2020, but said she would take an active role by working with the candidates in the crowded Democratic field. In much the same way that John McClaine took an active role "working with" the terrorists at Nakatomi Tower.

Of course, few were fooled into thinking that Hillary had really given up on her all-encompassing obsession with becoming President. Rather, they simply accepted that she wouldn't literally be "running" because, let's face it, this is a woman who pays heavily-muscled men to carry her up and down stairs when not dragging her limp body into a waiting getaway van after a public appearance.

So she wasn't really lying lying. Unlike certain other Democrats...

 

Absolutely spontaneously and with no political trickery involved, Nancy Pelosi and Adam Schiff announced that they had no intention whatsoever to pursue impeachment for Donald Trump. "Unless there's something so compelling and overwhelming and bipartisan," said the world's most partisan woman, "I don't think we should go down that road because it divides the country."

Perhaps they were sounding reasonable because they'd gotten a sneak preview of the Mueller "Russian Collusion" Report...

 

The Mueller Report showed no evidence whatsoever of Russian collusion by Trump or anyone associated with him. No evidence whatsoever of any conspiracies amongst Trump and his people. And no "objective" evidence that Trump made any attempt to obstruct justice.

All of which pretty much assured that we'd never hear accusations about Trump and the Russians again, right? What a relief! America could just go back to listening to Democratic freshman congresswomen make fools of themselves in...

APRIL

 

Representative Ilhan Omar, a ravingly anti-semitic Muslim congresswoman from Minnesota, said that after 9/11, "Muslims were starting to lose access to our civil liberties (because) some people did something." Yeah...some people did something. The same people who seem to do a lot of somethings whenever they're offended by...what's it called? Oh yeah...civilization.

Meanwhile, with the general public finally able to read a "lightly redacted" version of the Mueller Report (not that almost anyone bothered to do so) which cleared Trump of wrongdoing, Democrats and their media mouthpieces came up with a hilarious new idea about why Trump was guilty anyway...



Collusion was out, obstruction was in, and the game was again afoot (albeit smelling like an old sock). With this highly-charged political atmosphere, our nation needed the promise of a steadying hand. Even if it was a hand that was too frequently involved in creepy groping...

 

Joe Biden made it official that he was running for President in 2020, simultaneously qualifying for "least interesting news event of 2019." Especially since he had so much company in...

MAY



For the math impaired (ie, all Democrats) that meant 24 candidates were actively running for the Democratic presidential nomination. And the big problem they all had was differentiating their positions from those of their competitors. After all, they all wanted higher taxes, more government control, socialism, Medicare for all, reparations for slavery, freedom to abort babies both pre and postnatally, a "living wage" for any job which could be performed by an arthritic three-toed sloth, the banning of guns and other things that "look scary," the repeal of Free Speech, the replacement of fossil fuels with clean and affordable imaginary alternatives, official ratification that there are 732 different genders whose dignity demands specialized restrooms and glory holes and, most importantly, all of the candidates promised to feed Donald Trump in a wood chipper feet first so that Leftists could enjoy the expression on his face.

But even with so much competition, one candidate's name was on everyone's lips. Even though he did his best to muffle it...

Yes, "Gropin' Joe" Biden was leading the Dirty Two Dozen, despite credible reports from anonymous sources that he'd been spending his post-Obama years cruising near playgrounds in a battered white van with "Free Candy" painted on the side.

Not that we're judging, of course. That would clearly be insensitive of us considering the new guidelines offered in May by the World Health Organization...



The WHO (not to be confused with the greatest rock band of all time) updated their handbook, "The International Statistical Classification of Diseases and Health Problems" - a definitive resource for doctors, health insurers, and hypochondriacs who are sure that they must have something, dammit!

To make the 2019 edition special, the WHO decided to add (if not flat out make up) more "fun" medical maladies, including "compulsive sexual disorder" and "job burn out," which is defined as "chronic workplace stress that has not been successfully managed." Which, in our experience, pretty much describes every job we've ever held.

And while the WHO doesn't explicitly say it, we assume that they see the job-creating Donald Trump as the Typhoid Mary of stress-inducing employment.

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Join us Wednesday for The Year in Review - Part Two!

Boxing Day

We're writing this on the day after Christmas. A day celebrated by many as its very own holiday called "Boxing Day."

We weren't really quite sure what "boxing" had to do with anything until, about an hour ago, we got a roundhouse punch in the face. What fun!

Granted, it was only a metaphorical punch - our water heater decided to not only die, but to spew 50 gallons of hot water, much like a mother Hippo just before giving birth. Fortunately, our water heater lives in the garage rather than in the attic, so at least we're not dealing with collapsing ceilings or other property damage.

Remarkably, we found a plumber willing to come out on the day after Christmas and are currently awaiting his arrival. The big question will then become how badly will we get gouged for Emergency Holiday Service?

Not that we have a lot of options; living in Texas, we were mowing/mulching leaves today and are covered with a visible layer of chopped oak leaves and sweat (which, by the way, is an actual vegan salad recipe). "No shower" is not an option, nor is an "ice cold shower" because, um, shrinkage.

Anyway, with this drama on our plate we're not really able to write anything particularly incisive today. But then, who the heck really gets anything done in the days immediately following Christmas?

Well, other than plumbers who can probably earn half their year's pay on those days...

Merry Christmas 2019

Wishing you all a wonderful Christmas, a Happy Hanukkah, and a wonderful New Year!

The Truth About Santa

This is a magical and merry time of year, so we didn't want to harsh our holiday buzz by thinking about politics today. That's why we're presenting this very special holiday treat: THE TRUTH ABOUT SANTA, exactly as written by Stilton's father many decades ago.

THE TRUTH ABOUT SANTA

Santa is a very mean man, no matter what you may think.

Perhaps you've heard him called Saint Nick? No...they're two completely different people.

Saint Nick is a jolly man who brings grown-ups and children all the wonderful things and gifts they've hoped for or asked for...for the whole year. He always makes sure that every daddy and mommy and child at every home gets no less that $197.15 worth of first quality merchandise every Christmas...and sometimes even more!

However, Santa Claus follows Saint Nick, and as soon as Saint Nick comes out of the chimney, down goes Santa Claus. He looks at all the wonderful gifts and immediately takes the best ones and puts them in his bag. He fixes all the plastic toys so that they will break quickly, and if a toy uses batteries, he replaces these with very weak batteries that will not work long.

He changes clothing items for sizes that will not fit and hides the sales receipt so they may not be easily returned. He also substitutes bad colors for good on any clothing gifts for girls. If he finds candy in the Christmas stockings, he exchanges it for some candy he carries which will make children sick.

When he has done all he can think of to make people unhappy, he shoots up the chimney to his sleigh...making sure that the reindeer kick loose a few shingles in their departure. This will make the roof leak and ruin the plaster and lose Daddy thousands of dollars when he attempts to sell the home.

Santa then takes all the good toys and presents he has stolen and gives them to bad little boys and girls who do not deserve them. And these bad little children will laugh at good little children like you because they got what you wanted!

This year, maybe bad Santa will give good Saint Nick some candy to make him sick on Christmas Eve. If that happens, everybody will get "Christmas surprises" that are very surprising indeed!

JOHNNY OPTIMISM UPDATE

The free Johnny Optimism ebook promotion is over, and it was a huge success! Lots of books got download, lots of reviews have been written (thank you so much!), and a gratifying number of paperback books were purchased.

As promised, we looked at the total profit for the paperback books and it was a bit shy of $50 (there were quite a few sales, but we'd priced the book so low that there wasn't much profit per copy). In any event, we kicked the total up to $100 and made a donation from all of us to a group called "Canines for Disabled Kids." Hey, what says "Johnny and Lance" more than deserving kids getting service dogs?

Merry Christmas to one and all!

If you bought a paperback, then this is YOUR donation too!

Swindlers List

Mrs. Jarlsberg summed things up perfectly when she said that the day after Trump's impeachment felt "9/11-ish." Yes, it did. And does.

Much like the 9/11 attacks, the impeachment of Trump was an attack on all of us by a radicalized group that hates America, hates freedom, hates capitalism, hates respect for human life,  hates individual responsibility, and has a fevered desire to bring it all crashing down.

And as much as we dislike agreeing with anything ever said by Barack F. Obama, compared to congressional Democrats, Isis and Al Qaeda really are the "JV teams" in terms of the damage they can afflict on our nation. A seat of power is always going to be more dangerous than a seat in a cockpit.

The articles of impeachment are a complete sham, and represent a historic low of lawlessness and dereliction of duty in American politics. To borrow an apt term from the President of the United States, these people are scum. And every last one of the bastards is blessed to live in a country governed by a man who doesn't use firing squads to sort out insurrection...no matter how richly deserved.

During the impeachment vote, almost every Democrat said words to the effect that Trump was an immediate danger to national security and all we hold dear. That being the case, why is Nancy Pelosi unwilling to let Trump's case go to trial in the Senate? Is he an imminent danger, or isn't he? By her actions, Pelosi is quite clearly saying that he is not. And just as clearly saying that her party has lost none of its historical enthusiasm for lynchings.

LIFE GOES ON...

• The Johnny Optimism book is still flying off the shelves at Amazon (and still free at this link). And as of yesterday was Amazon's #1 bestseller in the Graphic Novel (free) category. Can fame and fortune for Johnny be far behind? Yes, probably - but still, it was a fun milestone.

And we won't beat the subject to death, but we'd greatly appreciate some additional reviews on Amazon. In theory, when a book gets 50 reviews, Amazon gives it substantially more exposure and marketing. Also, with that many good reviews, it really dilutes any one-star reviews from nincompoops.

• Remember our complaint that the IRS was taking forever to resolve a $5000 fine they'd imposed on us for being a few weeks late filing an information form about the contents of our retirement account? Well, today was the magic day that we finally received an official letter stating that our fine of $5,353 (there was accrued interest) had been reduced to $0.

We are grateful that there is still apparently someone with actual logic working within the IRS, and further grateful that this indicates they haven't linked our playful political musings to our social security number yet.

BONUS: FREE CHRISTMAS ALBUM!

To take your mind off the news and to gleefully annoy anyone who is offended by the word "Christmas," we're giving you a free no-strings-attached downloadable album of relaxing instrumental Christmas music!

And yes, it's exactly the same album we give away every year - because it's our holiday tradition!

Not available in stores. Trust us on this one.

It's the Manhole Steamrising "Complete Christmas Collection" and...what's that? You never heard of Manhole Steamrising? Well, you didn't think we could afford to hire Mannheim Steamroller to record a custom album, did you?! Besides, who needs all of those fancy-shmancy synthesizers when you're trying to enjoy quiet moments with the twinkling lights on your Christmas tree and the tinkling ice in your glass of scotch?

The album is solo harp which is actually played by a real angel (we think his name is "Harold") and consists of 15 soothing tracks of Christmas favorites, two of which are "Adeste Fidelis" and are done (as Basil Fawlty would say on gourmet night) "in two extremely different ways."

It's all perfectly legal, and you're free to share the music and/or the link with as many people as you like. In fact, we encourage you to share! Please! Tis the season! Just click this link to get your download started.

You'll end up with a ZIP file which, when double-clicked, will open up into a folder with your 15 songs in MP3 format. It's our way of saying "thank you" and "Merry Christmas" to everyone who visits Stilton's Place!

Want to sample the music before downloading or enjoy it without downloading? Then just click here to listen to the Youtube version!

FREE AT LAST, FREE AT LAST!

Democrats, when not busily impeaching the President for being successful and patriotic, like to promise "free" goodies in exchange for votes. Of course, those goodies are never actually free, and usually don't even happen. Which is why we're going to show them how it's done...

Yes, everyone's favorite sick-but-lovable webcomic about a boy, his dog, and the general hellishness of Life is now in book form and, like Johnny approaching a steep wheelchair ramp, we want to give it a really good push to get started. That's why we're giving it away free as our gift to you, our favorite people on Earth. You can download the ebook from Amazon absolutely free (by clicking on this link) between 12/18 and 12/22. (Please check to make SURE that the actual price has dropped to $0.00, and not just $0 if you belong to Kindle Unlimited. Also, you DO NOT NEED to join Kindle Unlimited to get the book free - so don't do that!)

The ebook can be read on any computer, smartphone, or tablet using the free Kindle Reader app from Amazon. And the book has been specially optimized to look great, even on a dinky little phone, if you know this trick: turn your phone sideways, then double-tap on a cartoon. This will make the cartoon full-screen, after which a simple tap or finger stroke on the cartoon will automatically advance you to the next rib-tickler!

There's also a genuinely lovely paperback version of Johnny's book, which we're temporarily offering for $5.99 (pretty much the lowest price Amazon will let us charge, and free shipping with Prime). The paperback is perfect for bathroom reading, "accidentally" leaving behind in doctors' waiting rooms, holiday gift-giving, or a "get well" gift for anyone who you're not fully committed to seeing get well.

But wait! There's more! We're going to take every cent of profit from the paperback (during the dates shown), double it, then donate it to a children's charity. And how do you know we'll really do that? Because we're not thieving liars who steal from charity like the Clintons!

AND NOW, WE'D LIKE TO ASK A FAVOR... Amazon markets books based on how popular they are and how many reviews they get online. So after you've downloaded the book, please consider leaving an honest Amazon review. And if you do, please don't mention politics because Johnny has enough problems already without being labeled a Nazi.

Enjoy the book, and feel free to share the link with others! After all, it's the season of giving!

Bottom Feeder

Soon-to-be Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton has just debuted a fresh, new, youthful countenance which is pure nightmare fuel. In perhaps the least-subtle plastic surgery we've ever seen, Hillary appears to have had silicone breast implants crammed into her cheeks - making them bloated and disquietingly smooth when framed by her heavily wrinkled face.

Although to be absolutely fair and journalistically responsible, we don't know that Hillary had plastic surgery done. We suppose it's possible that she took out her teeth to pleasure her husband ("Is it okay if I think of Monica?") and he got so carried away with slamming her face that her air bags deployed.

DEFACE THE NATION

We normally scoff at the idiotic choices made by TIME magazine (not that it is still a magazine) for their annual "person of the year" issue, but for 2019 they almost got it right.

Not by selecting Greta Thunberg, the spoiled, hectoring, self-important brat of privilege who thinks she's going to change the world by skipping school and being a complete pain in the global ass. But we think TIME almost got it right because the real "person of the year" should be that vicious, angry, "please punch me" snot face that has become the new Guy Fawkes mask worn universally by liberals.

This sneering display of disdain for the rabble, so perfectly mastered by Ms. Thunberg, has also been seen on the pusses of nearly every prominent asshole on the Left. Adam Schiff, Jerry Nadler, Peter Strzok, Alexandria Ocarina-Goretex, Barack Obama, Nancy Pelosi, James Comey, Ilhan Omar, the full roster of Democratic presidential candidates, every Democrat who attempted to destroy Bret Kavanaugh, antifa, college students, liberal professors, the entire on-air lineup on MSNBC and CNN, and far too many more to mention.

It is the face of whiners and those who hate. The face of those who resent the need to work or exercise personal responsibility. It is the face of unearned superiority and unmerited self-love. It is the face of the power-hungry and the heartless. It is the face of bigotry, prejudice, and the deeply embedded belief that all people are not created equal, which is why the ivory tower class feels compelled to tell the peasant class what the hell to do with their insignificant and annoying lives.

So TIME swung and missed again this year. But maybe they'll get it in 2020, when the "person of the year" will be all of those grief-stricken faces that we'll see when Donald Trump is elected to a second term.

Vertigo!

Sorry, no post today. I had to respond to a minor medical emergency when daughter Jarlsberg had a crippling attack of vertigo. So I'm away from my toys and tools (and forgot to bring my iPad charger) and will be largely incommunicado.

Positive thoughts and prayers for daughter J are appreciated. As for me, I DID pack a jug of Clan MacGregor, so I've got that going for me!

Treason's Greetings

Things are looking up.

The current news cycle is even more mind-bogglingly annoying than usual - and that's saying a lot. We're drowning in the kind of idiocy which would make us pull our hair out if there was enough up there to get a good handful. As it is, we have to settle for pulling strips of skin off our bald pate, making a sound like angrily pulling tape out of a dispenser by the foot.

If you listen to mainstream media, you'd think that the Horowitz report proves the FBI and everyone involved with investigating Trump for Russian collusion were innocent of any wrongdoing. Even lanky, lying Jim Comey is tweeting about the complete victory the report represents.

Only it doesn't. The report actually cites hundreds of examples of FBI wrongdoing, and finds "no evidence of political bias" for the sole reason that no one being interviewed admitted to being part of a coup attempt. The report is wildly damning of the FBI and the deep state...but the great unwashed aren't hearing any of it, and the odds that they'll bother to read a 400+ page report are nonexistent.

Meanwhile, the Democrats solemnly read out their articles of impeachment against Trump: abuse of power (for looking into Democrat corruption) and "obstruction of Congress" for repeatedly pointing out, with complete accuracy, that his opponents are liars and fools. In other words, he's being impeached for doing exactly what he was elected to do.

We're hoping that this is all the fetid calm before the real storm of the Durham report, which will possibly bring criminal charges against the whole seditious mob that's been undermining our government and country for years (and quite likely decades).

For now, all we can do is wait, grit our teeth, and focus on other things while adding "political Armageddon" to our Christmas wish lists.

Another Nidal in a Haystack

Information is still coming out about the horrific shooting at a US naval base in Florida in which Saudi national Mohammed Alshamrani killed three and wounded many others before being shot dead. Early reports certainly suggest that this was radical Islamic terror, and that if Alshamrani had been properly monitored, multiple red lights were flashing prior to his killing spree.

All of this puts us in mind of the similar case in which Nidal Hassan shot up Fort Hood... the investigation of which subsequently revealed the number of warnings that had been overlooked.

That being the case, we're revisiting this post from exactly 8 years ago today (Dec 9, 2011)...

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Obama's Department of Defense (which, apparently, is interested primarily in defending Obama) has now officially declared that the Fort Hood Massacre in which Major Nidal Hassan killed 13 soldiers and wounded 30 more while screaming "Allahu Akbar!" was an incident of "workplace violence" unrelated to terrorism or radical Islam.

Despite the fact that Hassan had been talking openly about his belief that the "infidels" around him should have their heads cut off and boiling oil poured down their throats (as outlined in the Koran), the poor bastard just went postal one day for no reason at all.

Which makes it a bit confusing about why Barack Obama gave the go-ahead to send a hellfire missile up the ass of Hassan's computer pen-pal, American born cleric Anwar al-Awlaki. The justification given at the time was that al-Awlaki "repeatedly called on individuals in the United States and around the globe to kill innocent men, women and children to advance a murderous agenda."

But if he didn't do that when swapping tweets with Nidal Hassan, who did he influence? Or, if his correspondence did cause others to commit acts of terror, how exactly can those acts be differentiated from the Allah-shouting, soldier-murdering "workplace violence" committed by Hassan?

Words mean something - a point which was made quite clearly to al-Awlaki, but which still seems to elude many in Washington who refuse to say things like "terror" or "radical Islam" no matter how high the cost in national security or lives.

And while we're on the subject, honor means something too. And by dismissing the Fort Hood Massacre as nothing more than a bad day at the office, the Obama Administration dishonors not only the dead and fallen of Fort Hood...but every American in uniform who has fought or died in the ongoing, and very real, War on Terror.

Washington would have you believe that this was caused by OSHA violations.

Throne for a Loop

There wasn't much to laugh about yesterday when Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi officially declared war on the 63 million Americans who voted for Donald Trump in the last election. She did so by making it clear that the House of Representatives will indeed vote to impeach the President, because - according to Nancy's tortured logic - it's the only way to prevent him from becoming King.

Which is why we enjoyed the delicious irony when Cory "Spartacus" Booker chose the same day to introduce the CROWN Act - a bill which would outlaw (wait for it!) race based hair discrimination.

Booker's "Create a Respectful and Open World for Natural Hair" (CROWN) Act targets discrimination against hairstyles identified with a particular race, including specific hair textures (the word "kinky" will still be okay to describe fetishes but not follicles) and will protect styles such as "braids, twists or locs." Locs being, apparently, hair locks that are spelled without a "k" in order to stick it to The Man.

If the bill passes, no hair will ever again be forced to go to the back of the head, nor will bigoted bosses be able to ask certain employees why they have giant salad forks sticking out of their coiffures. Additionally, all hair can finally come out of the closet and enjoy full and equal rights without having to pretend to be "straight."

Unfortunately, Senator Booker's bill does nothing to comfort those of us whose hair is standing on end over the Democrats' reckless and lawless attempt to subvert the Constitution and overthrow the government.

But perhaps that can be rectified with a liberal (pun intended) application of Head & Shoulders...on a chopping block.

BONUS: JERRY RIGGED

Of course, Jerry Nadler's fact-free impeachment inquiry is still barreling along. And yes, the excremental exclamation cited below (in panel one) is an actual quote. Keep it classy, Congressman.

Bugging Out

To the surprise of absolutely no one, Democrat Kamala Harris has dropped out of the presidential race. Harris had previously complained that she couldn't get traction because voters weren't willing to support a "strong woman of color." Which is another way of saying that she believes Democrat voters are sexist and racist - the only point she made on the campaign trail that we can't disagree with.

FLASHBACK (EMPHASIS ON "FLASH") - August 4, 2014

With Joe Biden's swimming memories in the news ("I got hairy legs where the hair turns blond in the sun, and the kids would reach into the pool to rub that hair..."), it seemed a good time to share this memory from five years ago...

According to the new book "First Family Detail," vice president Joe Biden enjoys swimming in the nude - much to the disgust and dismay of his female Secret Service agents, many of whom will never again be able to eat a vienna sausage.

"Little Joe," the appendage which is only a heartbeat away from being the leader of the free world, is frequently turned loose in the waters of the vice presidential residence in Washington DC, at Biden's home in Delaware, and other bodies of water which present a target of opportunity.

Sure, this sounds like no big deal - but consider this: on July 24th, Biden went to Ohio to give a speech. Now 400,000 Ohio residents are without drinking water because something (or someone) toxic got into the water supply. Coincidence? We think not.

Until further notice, residents are being told not to brush their teeth using the water, not to let children bathe in it, and not to let pets drink it. And considering that most pets spend a lot of their free time licking their private regions, that says a lot.

Hope n' Change sincerely hopes that the veep will reconsider what he considers "see-worthy" in the future and don appropriate swimwear.

Until then, our hearts and support go out to the brave female Secret Service agents whose blood runs cold every time they hear Uncle Joe shout "Thar she blows!"

Secret Service agents shouldn't have to throw themselves on this.

The Tooth Hurts

Soon to be a delightful children's book!

Help came in a most unexpected form last Friday, when a knife-wielding terrorist on London Bridge was repeatedly jabbed with a five foot narwhal tusk - keeping him busy until police could arrive on scene to end the incident with a highly satisfying use of boomsticks.

For many people, this has raised serious questions like "what the hell is a narwhal" and "how soon can we get more of them on the streets?"

Per the illustration, a narwhal - sometimes called "the unicorn of the sea" by people who apparently don't have any idea what a horse looks like - is a medium-sized cold water whale that has a long, pointed tusk (technically a canine tooth). And while we desperately wish we could say a narwhal suddenly leaped out of the Thames, Seaworld-style, to skewer the (ahem) "radical Islamist" and then be rewarded with some raw fish, the reality is that the tusk was pulled from a display and used as a weapon by one of two men (the other used a fire extinguisher) who ran towards danger and fought the maniac until police arrived.

We're not really expert on all the fine print in the Koran, but we'd like to think that when a terrorist is killed while being prodded with a narwhal tusk, his eternal reward will be 72 sea urchins rather than virgins.

BONUS: BIDEN SUCKS

Finalist: Creepiest Candidate Ever

We're not even going to try to say anything about this picture to make it more idiotic or repulsive than it already is. If you're looking for an explanation, well, it's Joe Biden gumming his wife's fingers for the same reason that some people climb mountains: because they were there.

The picture was taken at an event on Biden's wondrously-named "No Malarkey" tour which, hopefully, begins with an explanation of what "malarkey" means in the highly unlikely case that anyone in the crowd is below Medicare age.

Presumably, in the same tour, the eternally youthful and "with it" Uncle Joe will also be proposing newfangled ideas and no lollygagging when it comes to helping hornswoggled voters who won't put up with any more tomfoolery.