Nuclear Mistletoe

Liberals are in a hyperventilating tizzy (but we repeat ourselves) over the latest horror from the Trump White House. Specifically, that mistletoe is being included in the official Christmas decorations, which could lead to a nightmarish spate of boob grabbing and unwanted kissing which hasn't been seen since Joe Biden left the Vice Presidency.

Mistletoe wasn't hung in the White House during the Obama administration, owing to the fact that the media kissed Barry's rear end so frequently that additional smooching just seemed like overkill. Plus, it clashed with the White House Kwanzaa decorations dedicated to Umoja, Kujichagulia, Ujima, Ujamaa, Nia, Kuumba, and Imani...perhaps because people at least knew what the hell mistletoe was.

Frankly, we doubt that hanging a few sprigs of mistletoe is likely to cause men in the White House to suddenly develop a yuletide "Franken sense" and start playing grab-ass with unwilling women. Although just to be safe, we'd recommend keeping Democrats and Hollywood lefties out of the White House until the holidays have passed.

AN EQUAL TIME REPLY...

...to show that we actually take this issue very, very seriously.

AND THIS JUST OUT...

Since going to press with the cartoons above, we've learned that "Today" show host Matt Lauer has been fired from NBC for "inappropriate sexual behavior."

We don't know exactly what Lauer was accused of, but the fact that the name "Matt" is short for "Mattress" should probably not be overlooked.

And let's not forget the Halloween that Matt
showed up for work dressed as Jennifer Lopez...

Thanksgiven

It's all about momentum. And stretch waistbands.

Thanksgiving has passed, but the residual effects of too much food and the rigors of social engagement (however pleasant) are still weighing on us today in the form of a dazed torpor. More so, even, than most Mondays.

Our family holiday was filled with delights, even though the newly remodeled house lacks tables, chairs, proper beds, and window coverings of any kind. Daughter Jarlsberg and her wonder dog "Ladybug" made the long haul from Oklahoma to be at the parental home, and joy was unconfined.

We got to show her all of the changes to the house, which she could appreciate without having to endure the torturous sausage-grinding work it took to get it done. She brought youth and cheer into our home, and her dog brought about 4 times the usual amount of poop in our backyard.

Besides visiting, a lot of time was spent binge-watching stacked episodes of "COPS" every evening. In a world where neither the news nor Hollywood believes in stories in which the good guys triumph over the bad guys, it remains endlessly refreshing to see morons trying (and failing) to outrun taser probes. It's sort of like a modern day version of Aesop's Fables, in which all of the morality stories are played out by angry nitwits instead of animals. And darn it, that's wholesome family entertainment!

Our actual Thanksgiving repast was held at the family home of Mrs. J's brother and his wife, where we enjoyed wonderful (and too much) food and fun conversation with everyone. At least, we did until we had to take a semi-early leave owing to having left two dogs inside our house who had already shown enthusiasm about seeing which could poop the most every day.

Daughter Jarlsberg is now safely back at her home, and we're kicking off the new week by soliciting bids from plantation shutter salespeople and interior design consultants, as well as catching up on chores which got away from us over the past few days.

At least one of which required us to place an order to Amazon.com for a "nipple extractor," which is something we didn't know existed until we desperately needed it. It's actually for a pretty dull purpose, but we're guessing just having it on our Amazon records will prevent us from ever attaining high public office.

Black Friday

Giving credit where credit is due.

No politics or editorializing today - just continuing good wishes for all who are enjoying leftovers and a salute to those of you who are hitting the stores today in search of crazy deals.

Mind you, we think fighting the crowds is borderline insane - but it's good for the economy, so more power to you! And now that we reflect on it, a $300 big screen TV would look good here in the office and it would be a business deduction. Hmm...

A Touching Holiday

With Thanksgiving preparations moving ahead at full speed, we originally intended to post this cartoon, wish you well, then run back out to the store. But...

Then we saw a piece of "journalism" so rank, so appalling, so ridiculously offensive that we have to comment on it...

Because that would be wrong. That's for sure. -Richard M. Nixon

Perhaps in the familial spirit of Thanksgiving, Newsweek just added tens of millions of American voters to the Manson family. In essence, they're saying if you're among the many who fell under Donald Trump's hypnotically lunatic influence, you'd probably be perfectly happy going on a murder spree if told to by the President (who, it's hinted, uses his comb over to hide a swastika on his forehead).

Seriously, we've seen some awful journalism in recent years, but linking Charles Manson and Donald Trump really deserves some sort of special recognition - and we don't mean the high-fives and free drinks the writer no doubt received after coming up with that godawful title.

But for now, let's get the bad taste of this story out of our mouths and replace it with whatever savory goodness awaits us on Thanksgiving Day.

And remember, if asked what you're thankful for this year, raise your glass high and say, "Not having Hillary as president!" 

It will either get an appreciative laugh or guarantee that the rest of your Thanksgiving won't be boring.

Tusk, Tusk

Fans of Dumbo (and who isn't?) went into panic mode last week when it was suggested that President Trump was going to lift the ban on the importation of trophy items made from elephants.

Although the change in policy was recommended by the Fish and Wildlife Service, who apparently spend a lot of time and taxpayer money thinking about elephants in other countries because domestic fish are so freaking boring, Trump unexpectedly reversed course after a hugely negative public outcry. He is now postponing a final decision until he's had further opportunity to talk to himself about it.

Frankly, we're hoping that the ban remains in place because elephants are among the most awesome and intelligent animals on Earth, and they don't deserve to be chainsawed into pieces so that people can have elephant tusk bluetooth speakers, taxidermied heads with showerheads in their trunks, or elephant ear sandwiches. The last coming as a special blow to the industries which were gearing up to make the big buns.

And it should go without saying that we don't support the importation of baby elephant trunks for transgendered women who wish to become men, no matter how funny the resulting "sticky bun up the ass" jokes would be.

Lifting the ban was thought to be acceptable because the trophies would come from animals who were being culled scientifically, with money from hunting licenses going to support elephant conservation. That's fine - but once the door has been opened, the problem is how to then keep trophies from illegal poachers from flooding the market as elephant populations are decimated for crap like this...

We can appreciate the fact that there is a robust market for oddities and curios from other lands, but we'd rather the ban stay in place for any and every animal that belongs to a diminishing population.

That being said, we think the time is ripe for Trump to lift the ban on the importation of a certain type of exotic trophy which comes from largely useless creatures who, for better or worse, are in no danger of extinction.

We're talking, of course, about shrunken heads.

Just in time for Black Friday sales!

Congressional Franken Privilege

"Your honor, I'd like to present exhibits A and B!"

The roulette wheel of celebrity hanky-panky has clattered to a stop again, and this time the silver ball has landed on Senator Al Franken, who is accused of asking a woman to kiss while rehearsing a comedy skit, but then sticking his tongue down her throat without having received written permission to do so.

Later, while she was sleeping on an Air Force transport plane, a picture of Franken was snapped in which he appeared to be gleefully groping her breasts - or at least, as close as you can get to groping someone who is wearing a heavy flak jacket.

So, did Al act like a jerk with sophomoric humor? Clearly. Did he violate his victim to the extent that he should be thrown out of the Senate? No - although there are plenty of GOOD reasons to toss him into the street.

We're tired of this played-out round of celebrity "gotcha" which is (quite deliberately) distracting from real news. When the crimes are real and substantiated, there should absolutely be appropriate punishment. But until assholery itself becomes a crime, it's time for the media to let go of their current obsession with this particular genre of shiny object.

That being said, as long as we've already done the Photoshop work on Al, we thought we'd have some more fun. See, we like sophomoric humor too!

BONUS: REMODEL CITIZENS

A few folks have asked about the current state of our remodeling, and Friday seems as good a time as any for an update. Mostly because we can then drink all we want without worrying about messing up a work day.

Here is our splendid, all new Kitchen...

We cleverly went with an all white and brushed stainless steel look so, in the eventuality that we're murdered in our sleep, the police will find scads of fingerprints in here. Seriously, this is all quite pretty and we're already sorta kinda using some of the baffling new appliances in extremely cautious ways.

Follow us now to our elegant Living Room...

Notice the exquisite (and expensive) wood-look porcelain tiles, which now extend through virtually the entire house. Notice, too, that there's almost no real furniture in there because we gave most of it away. And that odd little rug is actually an indoor/outdoor mat which is sitting there for no particular reason other than to make any Islamic guests feel comfortable at prayer time.

Meanwhile, we're more than ready to entertain in our sumptuous new Dining Room...

Whether you desire a box lunch or a table for two, we're ready to handle anything - including a pre-wash cycle for your dirty dishes courtesy of Penny, the official dog of Hope n' Change, who has officially regained her full measure of piss and vinegar.

Notice the newly painted walls, and the "living color" which changes before your eyes - depending on the light and time of day - from a warm beige to vanilla ice cream, then to milky cantaloupe with occasional suggestions of actual human skin. The color is technically a neutral, meaning it can't engage in political arguments.

And how about this stunning Breakfast Nook...?

Okay, technically the only one having breakfast in here is Penny, whose bowls perfectly accent that same expensive porcelain wood-look tile. We used to have a table, chairs, and hutch in this spot - but we gave them away to starving orphans before starting the remodeling, because that's just the kind of people we are.

Still, this spot will give us a great view of our well-sculpted (and intimately sized) back yard, as well as panoramic vistas of the famous scenery of North Texas. Which, in other states, they call "clouds."

And after a long day of living in luxury, what could be better than a Cozy Bedroom...

You know what's great for a good night's sleep? Stretching out on expensive porcelain wood-look tiles with an old sofa pillow under your head! Not tired yet? Then enjoy sorting through multiple boxes of Wires from Hell!

Anyway, you get the drift. We've now got walls and floors (and working kitchen and bathrooms) but haven't made much progress on finding new furniture, getting plantation shutters for the windows (those aren't racist, are they?), and squaring away all of the mess that is still sitting around in boxes.

As we've mentioned previously, our process (not to be confused with Mrs J's process) for sorting junk from treasures is less than perfect. Today we went through a box of knick-knacks, geegaws, and oddities and found a small box claiming to contain a pocket sized HD video camera. "Wow," we said to ourselves, "this is hopelessly outdated, we never used it, and could never conceive of a use for it." And then we gave it to Goodwill - right? Wrong! Because first we had to check to see if it worked (it's just wrong to give broken electronics to starving orphans) and secondly we had to check to make sure it didn't contain any videos of our coven dancing naked around a bonfire. BUT...the camera's internal battery was dead, so we had to find a USB port somewhere to plug it in so we could try it later in order to determine whether it was A) Trash, B) the only Christmas present some orphan will get this year, or C) incriminating evidence. And the camera is STILL charging, so we didn't exactly get a motherlode of clutter taken care of today.

We did, however, actually visit a furniture store today and found ourselves simultaneously over-and-underwhelmed. For one thing, we wanted to find a replacement for the kitchen hutch we gave away, and were informed that no one makes kitchen hutch's anymore. Next we'll be told that we're out of luck replacing our pie cooler and the ice box.

So our next big adventure will be joining forces with a design consultant to help us populate our renovated home with eye-catching, functional furniture and bold, trendsetting objet d'art.

We plan to begin with a giant wheel of Jarlsberg cheese on the living room wall.

Allahu Toy Store!

With the holiday season hurtling toward us, many concerned parents are already wondering "what is the most meaningful toy, in a social justice sense, that I can buy for my young cisgen daughter or transgender son?"

And the answer, of course, is Mattel's exciting new hijab Barbie!

The doll is part of Mattel's "Shero" line, which introduces dolls based on actual women who accomplished newsworthy things in America. Like this gal!

"And my boyfriend is...uh...Ken."

No, no - just kidding. Mattel wouldn't base a doll on the hajib-wearing woman who killed 14 and wounded 22 in San Bernardino. Like many on the Left, they probably just forgot that the little-reported terror attack ever happened!

Which is why the doll is actually modeled on Ibtihaj Muhammad, the first American to wear a hijab and win a medal in the Olympics. Granted, she won it for sword fighting, and the hijab just might have scared the hell out of her opponents...but still, a great victory for our nation and multiculturalism in general!

But as long as Mattel is in the mood to celebrate newsmakers, we'd like to make another suggestion for a great boy's toy! We're thinking of an action figure of Stephen Willeford, the brave NRA instructor who stood his ground and shot the crap out of the maniacal killer who had just exited a small, bloodsoaked Texas church...then chased the fleeing (and bleeding) SOB until, realizing there was no escape, the killer blew his own brains out.

Now there's a toy which could actually inspire some important social lessons and interesting dinner time talk. Not that there are no such lessons attached to hijab Barbie - after all she's demonstrating her American freedom to wear a head covering which declares that, even here, she is still neither free nor equal in the eyes of her faith.

Takes A Licking, Keeps On Ticking

No dire reason for a lack of a more news-oriented post today, other than that we were juggling too many chainsaws this weekend. Which is apparently also true for the poor wretch in the cartoon above.

Among the distractions: a trip to the vet with Penny (the official dog of Hope n' Change) to try and track down some malady that had left her lethargic and off her food. It's a sad and scary thing to know that your furry family member has something wrong but can't communicate what it is.

Diagnostic results will come in sometime today, but we're glad to report that Penny's appetite and energy seem to have returned, and only moments ago she felt perky enough to shout feisty canine insults and challenges to an Amazon driver who dared come to our door to deliver a shower curtain. "We'll not be having any of THAT," wurfed Penny.

It's entirely possible that she just had an upset stomach from eating poop. Although that never seems to be a problem for politicians who, we believe, subsist on the stuff.

BONUS: CHEETOS NEVER WIN

Some months ago, Frito-Lay had a contest in which people were supposed to submit pictures of actual Cheeto corn puffs which looked like something. Anything. The best specimen would win some wonderful prize which we can't actually remember, but would probably leave the winner with orange fingertips for a lifetime.

The picture above was Daughter Jarlsberg's entry and, to our eyes, a darned good one. What we have there is the mighty Bigfoot ("Sasquatch" in the language of Native Americans) standing tall, powerful chest puffed, and long arms hanging to his sides while he scans the horizon for predatory documentary makers from the Discovery Channel. Amazing, isn't it?!

The contest is long since over and, since Daughter Jarlsberg is none the richer for the experience, we think it's safe to say that the fix was in. We can't connect all the dots yet, but we're pretty sure the blame should eventually fall on Hillary Clinton.

"You'll Saw Your Head Off...!"

Hillary: "Imagine if he was using a silencer!"

Christmas came early this year for connoisseurs of hilariously stupid journalistic malfeasance. Specifically when USA Today, an alleged newspaper, sought to educate its readers about the weapon used in the horrific mass-killings in a small Texas church.

That's about as serious a topic as you can get, so you'd think that serious journalism would be something of a goal for USA Today. But how wrong you'd be!

To add to their audience's fear of guns and those who wield them (like the hero NRA instructor who used his own AR-15 to end the carnage), the paper released an infographic video on their Twitter feed described as "a look at the gun used in the Texas church shooting." They then showed the basic gun, then started adding on possible modifications to make in more insanely terrifying, like a bump stock, laser sight, extra large magazine, and...a chainsaw bayonet.

Yep, this is actually what USA Today thinks people should start worrying about

Before you even ask, no - there's no such thing as a commercially available "chainsaw bayonet," although there are a few good old boys on Youtube who've rigged up dummy (literally) models so they can play "hold my beer" while charging, shooting, and eviscerating enemy pumpkins.

But USA Today would have you believe that ignorant, bible-thumping deplorables can just waltz into Walmart and toss a chainsaw bayonet in the cart along with their Pabst Blue Ribbon, turkey jerky, and environmentally-unfriendly disposable diapers.

Diapers which might actually be better used by the gullible USA Today readers who wet themselves when just thinking about this hybrid killing machine...and perhaps also by the USA Today journalists and editors who chose to indulge in infantile gun fantasies rather than bothering to research actual facts.

The Music Man

No politics today (yay!) because, unlike most days, I actually had professional work to do and it used up all my time and all my intelligence.  As I'm probably about to prove.

For the past several decades, I've made my living writing for the entertainment industry. Mind you, I'm in Texas and I'm a writer - so I don't have any wild tales of drug fueled parties, sexually defiled potted plants, or rings of pedophiles. I'm not saying that those things couldn't happen in Texas, I'm saying that no one invites writers to parties.

A lot of my writing has been on kid-friendly projects with a musical component, as was the case today.  Specifically, I'm collaborating with a very talented composer (and close friend) to create a live orchestral piece which will introduce kids to symphonic music without A) boring their socks off, or B) being "Peter and the Wolf" for the umpteenth time. The hope is that it will be performed by multiple orchestras across the nation, and that those orchestras will pay handsomely for the privilege of doing so. No government grants here, folks!

In essence, the production will feature humorous narration interspersed with delightfully bombastic music, while funny illustrations (several of which may be about farts) are projected onto a screen to keep the young audience laughing. Today's job was figuring out where those many illustrations should go in the script, and exactly what the images will be so we can communicate instructions to our Ukrainian artist.  A business arrangement which may land us a subpoena from the ever and overzealous Robert Mueller.

Overall, a fun and productive day. Who could ask for anything more?   -Stilt

It's Good To Be King

The so-called "JFK Files" recently released for public consumption haven't done much for conspiracy theorists who were hoping to find out how deeply Lyndon Johnson, the CIA, Woody Harrelson's father, and the Illuminati were involved in the Presidential assassination.

But the reading isn't all boring as, for some reason, the FBI reports on Martin Luther King Jr's alleged sexual escapades in considerable detail.

Mind you, the FBI was very interested in taking down King at the time, as his talent for social disruption (which was good in this case) can't be overstated. And so we can't say for certain what in the report is or isn't true. Which won't keep us from looking at the "good parts" and wiggling our eyebrows like a licentious Groucho Marx (which may be redundant).

For instance, the report claims that folksinger Joan Baez was one of King's many extra-marital conquests, and further suggests that the civil rights icon was given to orgies, and enjoyed "unnatural" and "abnormal" sex.

Describing the hijinks at a ministerial workshop, the report says"several Negro and white prostitutes were brought in from the Miami area. An all-night sex orgy was held with these prostitutes and some of the delegates in attendance." Additionally, "one room had a large table in it which was filled with whiskey. The two Negro prostitutes were paid $50 to put on a sex show for the entertainment of the guests. A variety of sex acts deviating from the normal were observed."

Obviously, we should all be offended by the outdated language in the report which is no longer socially acceptable. Oh, not the "negro" part - at least until the NAACP changes its name. No, we meant the parts which described any sexual act as unnatural or abnormal, which certainly doesn't square with current liberal attitudes about creatively and wantonly sticking things where nature didn't expect (or design) them to go.

In the age of Bill Clinton using Monica for a humidor, Harvey Weinstein giving a potted plant a pearl necklace, and Lena Dunham filling her sister's wahootie with gravel, we're experiencing a little nostalgia for times when some things were still considered perverse.

Put another way, even if the accusations against King are true (and we're not sure they are) we're betting he never did anything that you can't currently see on a popular HBO series.

Perhaps it's time our culture started showing more interest in mountain tops than mountin' anything that moves.

Donna Brazile: Hack Attack

Those who have always felt there was something a little "off" about Hillary's rise to her party's Presidential nomination are now having all of their suspicions (and more) confirmed in a new book by the soon-to-be-late Donna Brazile, who headed the DNC in the final days leading up to the election.

In her book, "Hacks," the title of which apparently isn't meant to describe sleazy political operatives such as herself, Brazile says that Bernie Sanders never stood a chance because early in the primary campaign Hillary essentially bought the entire DNC and thereafter made all decisions to assure her eventual candidacy. She did this by providing money to the impoverished DNC (bankrupted by Debbie Wasserman Schultz and Barack Obama, according to Brazile) from her own deep campaign coffers. And all the DNC had to do in return was look the other way while populist favorite Bernie Sanders was screwed into the ground by the Clinton machine.

Of course, we'd be more impressed with Donna Brazile's sudden attack of conscience if she hadn't actively helped with the cheating by, among other things, funneling Hillary debate questions ahead of time.

The really interesting question is why Brazile is now throwing Hillary under the bus, and how she expects to get away with it without being Vince Fostered in the dark of night.

Our guess - and fervent hope - is that Brazile knows that real, indictable dirt on Hillary is about to come out, and she's written this book to try to keep from being dragged under by Clinton's Titanic-sized undertow.

Just one more rat deserting a sinking ship.

NEW YORK TERROR

We had a disconcerting revelation today while reflecting on Tuesday's horrendous terror attack in New York.

We're always told that in the face of such attacks, we need to stick to our usual routines, hold our heads up, and be unafraid.

But we're not unafraid. Mind you, we've got no particular fear of wild-eyed goat-screwing pube-faced radical Islamic terrorists. But we are afraid - for our very country and way of life - when we hear the mainstream media's reactions to a crude act of terror.

On one alleged news network, a talking head opined that the truck-driving, "Allahu Akbar" shouting killer "could have just as easily been a Catholic two weeks ago" before becoming radicalized. Another outlet immediately started worrying for the umpteenth time about a possible (yet never actually occurring) backlash against Muslim Americans. And despite the murderer's sworn allegiance to ISIS, multiple outlets were still declaring this to be a "lone wolf" attack which certainly shouldn't be connected to any particular religion or ideology.

So here's a thought: why don't most of us go on doing what we've always done without fear, while the mainstream media completely changes what they've always done in order to make future such attacks less likely.

Come As You Aren't Party

And he has the cleaning bills to prove it.

What's sadder than a Jack O'Lantern once Halloween has passed? That hollow stare, the wrinkles and sags, the moldy smell, the buzzing of flies, that cackling laugh...  Hey, wait! That's not a leftover Jack O'Lantern - it's Hillary Clinton!

Yes, The Thing That Wouldn't Go Away is still popping up everywhere in the mainstream media, like an undying slasher in a bad movie franchise. While in Chicago promoting her book "Killing Vince Foster" (Oops- sorry! That's Bill O'Reilly's next book), she was asked what Halloween costume she was considering and said "I think I will maybe come as the President."

We're not sure if this means she intended to don (no pun intended) Trump regalia or one of the brightly colored, whip-accessorized Dominatrix From Hell outfits she had intended to wear in the Oval Office. Either way, it's nothing we ever want to see...and frankly, we threw up in our mouths a little just thinking about it.

At the same appearance, Hillary tried to spin a negative into a positive by taking the too-little reported stories of her involvement in Uranium One and the Russian Dossier and declaring "All the networks except Fox are reporting what's really going on...it appears that they don't know I'm not president."

That's right, Hillary. Fox is reporting on you non-stop because they think you're so important, not because there are mountains of evidence piling up that you're so freaking guilty of selling out our country and trying to subvert an election with the help of Russia AND Obama's criminalized FBI.

Still, we didn't let Mrs. Clinton sour our Halloween holiday spirit. And who knows, by the time Thanksgiving rolls around, maybe this turkey will finally be getting some real heat put on her.

AND FROM THE CRYPT...