Fast Fast Fast Disbelief!

Owing to a million niggling-details related to our soon-to-be home demolition and renovations, we're cutting straight to the chase today (and probably will on many other days in the near future)...

BONUS: with the time we just saved, we were also able to whip up this "truth in labeling" version of Hillary's next book of giant lies...

Trans Mission Problem

This actually makes way more sense than the Left wants to admit.

Donald Trump has issued an unsubtle new policy decision on Twitter, which could pretty much be the opening line of every news story we're likely to see over the next four years.

In this case, he announced that transsexuals would no longer be allowed to join or serve in the military, and the Left is going out of its collective mind. This is hatred! Bigotry! Some kind of blatant sexism which is admittedly hard to define!

To which we say: baloney.

We're not going to get into debating whether or not transsexuals are good people or bad people, patriotic or not, or which latrine they should use - because none of that is germane to the argument. What is germane is whether or not transsexuals have medical conditions and special needs which are unduly burdensome when it comes to the military branches completing their missions. And the answer is: yes, they do.

This is the same rationale which keeps many, many others with chronic medical conditions out of the military. And we'll note that this does not keep motivated individuals from finding alternate ways to serve their country or communities.

Despite attempts to make this into a broader LGBT issue, it's worth noting that Trump hasn't banned gays or lesbians from service. He's not concerned about someone's sexual orientation, he's concerned about their physical ability to complete missions - including at times when their medical conditions can't be treated in the field, potentially putting others at risk.

The outrage we're hearing from the media strikes us as nothing more than a tempest in a teapot. Which is somewhat ironic considering it involves individuals who aren't sure if they've got a handle or a spout.

According to the Poopometer, we don't give one.

Renegade Renovations

When the President of the United States calls you on the phone, you damn well listen...

"Stilt? Don. With all of this Russia crap, and let me tell you it IS crap, because I've seen some very, very bad crap in my day and this crap is much, much worse. Much much. It's crap! Where was I?"

"Russian crap."

"Right - the stupid lying fake news media is using it to bury my agenda. I can't get my big ideas out there. Spicer was a great guy, great guy, but he wasn't getting it done. So he's over. Back to the minors."

"How can I help?"

"I want to draw attention to one American family being made great again, as they hire American laborers to completely rebuild their humble and outdated middle-class home and make it great again! Even MSNBC will eat it up! It's all about the pictures. And Stilt - I want those to be pictures of you."

"Me, Mr. President?! But why?"

"Many, many good reasons. You don't look like a rich guy, you look like a schlub. But a hot wife. Very hot. Too good for you, frankly. And people love that whole dynamic. "What the hell has he got that we don't know about?" they'll ask themselves. And then there's your crumbling house. When was the last time you remodeled it?"

"30 years ago."

"Perfect. We'll say Carter broke your heart and you haven't recovered your confidence till now. Been a mental wreck. When people see your picture they'll buy it. Totally. Totally."

"So, uh, what do you want me to do?"

"You'll be the new focus of "Make An American House Great Again." You'll share every detail of upgrading your sad little home while energizing the economy with seemingly endless construction bills."

"But...this will cost tens of thousands of dollars, Mr. President! Where will I get that kind of money?!"

"I'm pretty sure you've got that money in your Russian bank account if you know what I mean. Wink-wink, nudge-nudge. So will you do it, Stilt? For Me, for Melania, and for America?"

"Of course, Mr. President. I'll get right on it."

"And as a little thank you, none of your readers will ever get audited again. But that's way off the books. Hush-hush stuff. Loose lips sink ships. Zip it. Ix-nay. Turn the lock and throw away the key."

"Understood. I won't let you down, Mr. President."

"You never have, Stilt. God bless you, you never have."

=======

And that's why things here at Stilton's Place may be a bit wacky for the next couple of months.  We're doing a major renovation of the interior of our home which begins with demolition and then goes downhill from there. Floors, walls, plumbing, and more - every bit of which will pour money into the hands of local laborers who can then feed their families, buy expensive cars, and otherwise energize the economy more efficiently than the mega-billions Obama wasted on his "shovel ready" jobs scam.

Although we embrace our patriotic duty, we're not really looking forward to the process - which will apparently involve weeks of living out of boxes, moving every lick of furniture out of our house, going without the Internet or television for extended periods, and a complete loss of both peace and privacy until about October.

We'll do our best to keep the usual Monday, Wednesday, Friday updates flowing - though it's safe to assume that we're in for some bumpy weeks. But it's all about making America strong and prosperous again - something you can all celebrate.

Especially since YOU won't be getting the bills.      -Stilt

We expect a lot of this to be going on...

In Memoriam: Joseph Rago

The world of real journalism lost an important voice last week with the death of Pulitzer Prize-winning Wall Street Journal editorial writer Joseph Rago. He was only 34.

Regular readers of this blog know that in a world of increasingly fake news, the Wall Street Journal has been one of our last recommended sources for solid reporting and worthwhile editorial thought. Rago was responsible for some of the best of those editorials.

His trademarks included incisive analysis and the ability to simplify and explain complex issues, all with a refreshingly subtle but stiletto-accurate wit. His editorials were a pleasure to read and contemplate, whether we agreed with him on the issues or not (and usually we did).

Losing his unique mind and voice in these chaotic times is a tragedy. He should have had many more years to enlighten, convince, and influence Conservative thought. At the time of this writing, his cause of death is unknown.

On a personal level, Rago's death hits us hard - much like the deaths of former newsman and Presidential spokesman Tony Snow, and muckraker extraordinaire Andrew Breitbart. Their energy, insights, and wisdom were a balm to the ills of an increasingly inane and insane world of media . Their very existence gave us hope and optimism.

Rest in peace, Mr. Rago. And thank you for doing so well what so few can do at all.

Click here for a good example of Joseph Rago's writing.

Knife Guys Finish First

OJ Simpson will be a free man in October (he'll be the big trick-or-treater in the Michael Myers mask) thanks to a parole board's decision to let him out early for committing armed robbery because he had "no prior criminal convictions."

Wow.

Of course, he did have a prior civil conviction, in which he was found to be responsible for brutally chopping up former wife Nicole Simpson and her friend Ron Goldman. But apparently the parole board didn't consider that salient in making their determination that Simpson probably constitutes no threat to any member of the general public unless they piss OJ off.

Simpson's parole brings back unpleasant memories of his original trial, in which the race card was played as the ultimate "Get Out of Jail Free" card thanks to a jive-talking defense attorney who made his simple-minded arguments in hippity-hop rhyme, a liberal white female prosecutor who believed that her "sisterhood" with black female jurors would outweigh racial solidarity, and a pair of gloves that unsurprisingly didn't fit OVER a pair of unforgiving rubber gloves - especially when OJ spread his meaty fingers into a fan shape as if he had no experience whatsoever with how gloves are supposed to work.

When it was finally time for the OJ verdict to be announced, we were personally watching a recording of "It's a Wonderful Life" and paused it just before poor old George Bailey prayed on the bridge to live again. Foolish optimists that we were, we thought the jury's remarkably short deliberation must mean that they'd voted OJ "guilty" owing to the superabundance of incontrovertible evidence. (For the record, Mrs. Jarlsberg, who is wise in all things, thought the exact opposite.)

But no, it turned out that thanks to ignorance and a heaping helping of anti-white racism and anti-cop sentiment, a homicidal butcher could literally get away with murder - and did.

And when we eventually returned to "It's a Wonderful Life," the ending felt hollow and meaningless. At that moment in time, we just couldn't buy the fable that justice will eventually triumph, and that diverse communities are comprised of inherently good people who will rally together to do to what's right in times of crisis.

Our enthusiasm for the film has returned over time, but not our naivete about what to expect from the justice system or those who churn race hatred for their own benefit. Among whom, we're sure, will be OJ Simpson yet again.

Back to Healthcare Reform School

If history repeats itself, we might as well do the same thing - which is why we're recycling this cartoon and commentary from earlier this year (3/27/17)...

Now that healthcare reform reform has failed, two groups of people are celebrating. Those who love Obamacare the most, and those who hate Obamacare the most.

At this point, it's moot to debate the relative virtues or failures of the proposed GOP bill, but we are going to take strong exception to the idea that if the healthcare system is allowed to completely collapse in the next few years (which Trump is enthusiastically tweeting as a "plan"), that America's sick, dying, overcharged, and uninsured will blame the out-of-power Democrats for having created Obamacare, rather than the fat and happy Republican legislators who stood around this national bonfire roasting marshmallows and making s'mores.

Put another way, when our healthcare system fails the voters will not reward the party that did nothing (even if the reasons were good), but will instead flock to the party that promises a quick and all encompassing fix - namely, a single-payer "Medicare For All" plan.

That's going to be the Democrats, which is hardly surprising: Obamacare was designed to fail after destroying the free market health insurance system, thereby leaving fully socialized medicine as the only viable alternative. And the Dems knew human nature well enough to understand that this would assure their party power.

Think we're wrong? Just ask yourself - if you were the patient in the cartoon above, who would you blame? The former doctor who misdiagnosed you, or the current doctor who says he'll watch you suffer and die because it's the easiest way for him to remain blameless?

BONUS: HOPPING MAD

After posting Monday about our brief professional flirtation with the Weekly World News, we decided to indulge ourselves in the creation of another mock-up cover just to see what one of our sensationalistic stories might have looked like in the supermarket checkout line...

Admit it - you want to read all the juicy details.

The Jarlsberg Diaries: Weekly World News

Today we're introducing a new and totally unrequested feature called "The Jarlsberg Diaries," in which we take you for an exciting (and true!) behind-the-scenes look into the colorful life of Stilton Jarlsberg. Fair warning: you may be seeing a lot of this feature in the near future if the stupid Trump/Russia story continues to top the (ahem) "news."

See that story about the severed leg? We actually wrote that, years ago, and it really appeared in the Weekly World News - arguably the greatest provider of fake news ever, although CNN is currently giving them a real run for their money.

We worked editorially with Weekly World News for only a short time; it was a dream job, but sadly there were contractual issues which couldn't be resolved - making us long for a cover story saying "BAT BOY DEVOURS LAWYERS - Receives Thanks Of Grateful Nation."

But just for fun, here's a sampling of some stories we submitted which never made print, but would have looked great with bold-faced caps and lurid illustrations at the supermarket checkout lanes...

ANTS ALREADY RULE THE EARTH

And Our Government Works For Them!

"IT'S HUMAN SKIN!"

Mona Lisa Art World Shocker!

CANNIBAL EATS COURTROOM JUDGE
After Judge Rules It Legal!

TWO-TON TODDLER IS TEETER-TOTTER TERROR!

ALPHABET TO GET NEW LETTER

And You Don't Say It With Your Mouth!

CENTIPEDE BOY NEEDS YOUR SHOES

BONELESS BABY GOES DOWN THE DRAIN
Found Safe & Sound At Local Beach!

SWISS ARMY TAKES ON TERRORISTS
With Pocketknife Tweezers And Tiny Scissors

SKATEBOARDING GRANNY BREAKS SOUND BARRIER!

WOMAN DONATES BUTTOCKS

To Flat-Chested Sister

ELEVATOR HELL: BLIND NUN TRAPPED WITH BOXING KANGAROO!

HOWLER MONKEY IS NEWEST RAP STAR

LEMON LOVER'S FACE IMPLODES!

IRS DEMANDS NUDE PHOTOS OF EVERY TAXPAYER

And It's The Law!

And finally...

BONUS: AN UNKIND CRACK

See that itty-bitty picture in the top right of the Hitler Baby cover? Here it is full-sized. We don't actually have that much against Chris Christie, but considering the conniption fits the Left is having over a slab of ice it just seemed like a fun image.

Incredibility Gap

We're not delving deeply into the latest developments of this cockeyed non-story, but we just thought it was worth mentioning that Natalia Veselnitskaya, the Russian attorney with whom Donald Trump Jr. briefly met, must have been living in a Siberian cave for the last couple of decades if she wasn't able to offer up some plausible dirt on Hillary.

Seriously, if we'd met with Trump Jr, we could have talked for hours about Hillary's myriad scandals and misdeeds. The fact that Veselnitskaya couldn't and didn't only lends additional credibility to the idea that she was more likely an operative representing Loretta Lynch and Barack Obama than Vladimir Putin.

BONUS: MIND IN THE GUTTER

First things first: we're not making a joke at the expense of the Special Olympics. We have good friends who are participants and we've celebrated their impressive accomplishments.

We're not even making a joke about Michelle Obama, who was at the Espy Awards presenting the Arthur Ashe Courage Award to the late Eunice Kennedy Shriver in honor of the work she did in founding the Special Olympics and working with those who have special needs. The former first lady did a fine job, and the cause was deserving.

What we are having a bit of trouble with is again associating the Obama name with the Special Olympics after Barack, that smug and smarmy SOB, once likened his bowling ability to that of Special Olympics participants as a cheap shot to get laughs.

Not a major story, certainly - but as we head into the weekend, isn't it nice to appreciate the fact that neither Hillary nor Barry is in the White House these days?

Deliberate Pravda-cation

Did you know you can click on the cartoons for a larger view? You're welcome.

Don't worry - even though Busty looks like a cuddlesome Cossack, she's as patriotic as ever. And we think she may be on to something with this new look...

Clearly the Left is never going to let go of the assertion that Donald Trump somehow conspired with the evil Russians to steal the election from Saint Hillary. And it's driving them crazy that they can't prove it (and never will). But as long as the idea upsets them so much, shouldn't we all be doing our part to help feed their paranoia and frustration until it reaches the absolute breaking point?

If you're a known Trump supporter being surveilled by your liberal friends and coworkers, this can be as easy as giving your wardrobe a Moscow makeover, riding to work bare-chested on a stallion, keeping a bottle of vodka on your desk, and wishing everyone a cheery "do svidanya" when leaving the room.

Look around suspiciously before using the copy machine. Frequently pretend to check your lamps, chairs, computers, and framed pictures for electronic bugs. When speaking on the phone, use "da" and "nyet" instead of "yes" and "no."

Better still, let liberals overhear you talking to another conservative friend while overemphasizing suspicious code words:

• "I don't know why I haven't gotten a raise yet; the boss is really STALIN."
• "My favorite Beatle? Gosh, that would be LENIN."
• "Must be a lot of pollen today - I've been HACKING and HACKING."
• "Remember that song from Young Frankenstein? PUTIN on the Ritz?"
• "Pardon me while I go to the bathroom. For a LEAK from an undisclosed source."

It's all good, clean fun and a great way of giving your liberal acquaintances some food for thought. And by "food for thought" we mean, of course, aneurysms.

Owl Be Back

Owing to a variety of circumstances there's no substantive post today, but at least we've got a fresh Earwigs cartoon!

A Meme Thing To Do

That's going to leave a mark.

Initially we hadn't given much thought to the whole brouhaha in which Trump tweeted (sigh...) an animated GIF of him pretending to rough up someone with a CNN logo for a face. It was a dopey little animation which sort of made a humorous point, after which we could all just get on with our lives - right?

Wrong. The media and Internet went nuts (granted, this is a given these days), making an occurrence which had roughly the importance of a gnat's fart into a bigger story than the lunatic leader of North Korea successfully test firing a nuke-capable ICBM missile.

CNN was especially culpable in blowing the loco logo story out of proportion. They claimed that the seconds-long clip was a call for violence against their esteemed journalistic team, and then tracked down the poor schmuck who'd originally created the animation and threatened to out his real identity (after labeling him a racist and anti-semite) so that the angry leftist mobs - you know, the ones who commit real acts of violence - could deal with him.

This is no small thing, as conservative cartoonist (and personal friend) Mike Lester points out...

The Right, of course, responded with a tidal wave of new memes (including our winged-hat tip to Thor and Hulk) in which CNN was humorously and entirely metaphorically getting the stew beaten out of them.

These weren't "calls for violence," but rather a perfect Free Speech counterattack in defense of a private citizen whose rights and safety were being threatened by a mega-media corporation that can't take a joke - even though it is one.

Firework Stoppage

Rather than actually work on July 4th, we decided to take another day off - the better to enjoy hot dogs, potato chips, American flags, and fireworks.

But since you've gone to all the trouble of dropping in, here's a new 4th of July cartoon, and several "blasts from the past"...

This was just our payback for all the "May the Fourth" memes that were flooding social media a couple of months ago. Plus, we think Yoda would be fun to party with.

This cartoon is chillingly "on the nose," even 8 years later. North Korea's Kim Jung Il chose the 4th of July to shoot a "test" missile towards Hawaii...and of course Obama did nothing to deter further mischief. Which is why this year on the 4th of July, Kin Jung Un test fired an actual ICBM. Thanks, Barry!

This cartoon seemed accurate in 2013 when we were drowning in illegals, but happily it's no longer as current. By various accounts, illegal border crossings are down 40-50% - almost all of which can be attributed to President Trump's seriousness about the subject.

And finally, Lefty Lucy reminds us that even during tough times, it's easy to distract Leftists with bright, shiny things!

Hope everyone had a great holiday; we'll see you back here with fresh material on Friday!

Happy Independence Day!

We're taking an early break in observation of this most American of all holidays, but assumed you wouldn't mind too much as long as we distracted you with this cartoon from the vault...

And the spirit of patriotism is alive and well over at the world's weirdest children's hospital, too...

Fly your flags, celebrate with family and friends, and enjoy the fireworks (the actual fireworks, as opposed to the ones that go off every time President Trump sends a tweet).

Most importantly, remember what Independence Day is all about - and give thanks to those past and present who protect our freedoms!