|And a fresh pair of Depends.
This sets a new official record of early declaration for the office, but fails to surpass the unofficial record which was set when baby Hillary spoke her first words.
Trump has named a digital whiz to be his campaign manager and is currently assembling a team of creative writers to come up with catchy new hat slogans like "Keep America Trump Again" or "Eight is Great," as well as penning insulting schoolyard nicknames for potential opponents like "Oprah Lose-frey," "Braindead" Biden, and "Burned Out" Sanders.
Of course, one other highly-touted potential candidate is out there, and she's just announced a brand new book which will come out in (surprise!) November...
|Because "Obama Sutra" was already taken by some asshole.
Lest that seem like gross overpayment, the Obamas have been quick to point out that they will donate "an undisclosed but significant portion of their earnings to charity, including (wait for it!) the Obama Foundation." Once again, the left pocket won't let the right pocket go hungry.
The book is being called a "memoir" (which is French for "ghost-written) and will detail how Michelle became the woman she is today. We don't know if any of the chapters will involve hormone therapy or surgical procedures, and we're too high-minded to speculate.
An audiobook version will also be available, read by the former first lady herself, and is expected to finally wring the last useful information out of Guantanamo detainees who are forced to listen to it.