One Good Term Deserves Another

And a fresh pair of Depends.

Donald Trump has finally ended the suspense, not that any had actually developed yet, and officially announced that he'll be running for President again in 2020.

This sets a new official record of early declaration for the office, but fails to surpass the unofficial record which was set when baby Hillary spoke her first words.

Trump has named a digital whiz to be his campaign manager and is currently assembling a team of creative writers to come up with catchy new hat slogans like "Keep America Trump Again" or "Eight is Great," as well as penning insulting schoolyard nicknames for potential opponents like "Oprah Lose-frey," "Braindead" Biden, and "Burned Out" Sanders.

Of course, one other highly-touted potential candidate is out there, and she's just announced a brand new book which will come out in (surprise!) November...

Because "Obama Sutra" was already taken by some asshole.

We're just kidding about the whole "sex manual" thing (probably) and don't actually know a whole lot about the upcoming book other than that Michelle is splitting a $60 million payday with Barry for her literary efforts.

Lest that seem like gross overpayment, the Obamas have been quick to point out that they will donate "an undisclosed but significant portion of their earnings to charity, including (wait for it!) the Obama Foundation." Once again, the left pocket won't let the right pocket go hungry.

The book is being called a "memoir" (which is French for "ghost-written) and will detail how Michelle became the woman she is today. We don't know if any of the chapters will involve hormone therapy or surgical procedures, and we're too high-minded to speculate.

An audiobook version will also be available, read by the former first lady herself, and is expected to finally wring the last useful information out of Guantanamo detainees who are forced to listen to it.

Month Upon a Time

Okay, we don't particularly have anything against Black History Month, but we didn't want this short month to pass without mentioning it - and slamming liberal hypocrisy at the same time. Because we genuinely believe that many liberals live their lives by the philosophy Lucy demonstrates in that last panel. After all, what fun is virtue signaling if no one is watching?

And because we're actively filling space today, here's a cartoon from the vault on the subject...

Of course, February isn't the only thing sputtering to a halt. The Winter Olympics in South Korea have finally drawn to a close and, despite the American team wowing the world and making our enemies cower by winning gold for "curling," we have no regrets about missing the whole darn thing.

Because despite the many events done in extremely different ways (as Basil Fawlty said on Gourmet Night), they all strike us as being variations on a single pointless theme: doing the hardest thing possible on a slippery surface without falling down.

So why not at least make events that people can really relate to, like having athletes race up iced apartment stairways while carrying grocery bags? Or seeing how fast athletes can use snow shovels to clear driveways? And why in the world is there no snowman-building competition?! No wonder television ratings stunk this year.

Of course, there are other ways to make the Winter Olympics interesting. Like by holding them in the summer. We present our case below...

Casual Friday

The news is uniformly dopey and annoying ("Momentum builds to give vote to 16-year olds"), so we're just keeping things light and pleasant here today.

First up, the captioned cartoon craze that's sweeping the nation...

And now, in keeping with the theme of the illustration above, we present some more random crap!

• THE KETO HAPPINESS - Weight Updeight

We're still sticking with the ketogenic diet we started at New Year's in an attempt to quickly lose enough weight to make another Ruth Bader Ginsburg (not that we'd want to), but success has been elusive. About 4 weeks in, we discovered we'd lost a grand total of 3 pounds. Obviously, something needed to change - so we've stopped weighing ourselves.

We're not noticing our clothes getting any looser either, which doesn't help motivate us to stick to a diet of meat, meat, and meat...with pork rinds for snacks. Whee.

But we're absolutely tearing it up at the YMCA's "Active Older Adults" exercise class. After just 6 short weeks, we can go as long as 5 minutes in class before we have to suck vigorously from our water bottle and gasp while our blue-haired classmates continue pumping iron while dancing.

We'll also note that there is an element of personal danger in these classes, as we're compelled to use the same kind of rubber exercise bands which allegedly beat the living hell out of Harry Reid once. The memory of which, we'll admit, is pretty much the only thing that makes us smile during our workout.

If you icepick it, it won't get better

Sliver Among the Gold

To hear the media leftists tell it, the Russian campaign to buy Facebook ads was a worse attack on the United States than the one which occurred at Pearl Harbor. That's not just our usual whimsical wordplay - that's what their talking points are currently saying: a worse attack than Pearl Harbor.

This tells us three things about these (unprintable) morons: they don't give a damn about history, they've never visited the Arizona Memorial (which is good, because it's hallowed ground), and if they ever do visit the Memorial they'll have to swim back to shore if they open their stupid yaps in front of actual Americans.

This kind of idiotic hyperbole can be dismissed with a shake of the head by rational adults of a certain age. But for younger viewers who have no actual concept of (or interest in) what Pearl Harbor represents, this kind of false equivalency can actually sway what passes for their minds.

So just how big and powerful was the Russian Facebook ad attack on America? And did those ads change the outcome of the election, as the left would have you believe?

According to an experienced campaign finance expert on Fox's "Tucker Carlson Show," the Russians spent $46,000 on Facebook ads. Meanwhile, the combined campaigns of Clinton and Trump (mostly Clinton) spent $81 million on Facebook ads (and that's not including buys from other political interest groups).

Crunching the actual numbers, this means that of all the campaign ads on Facebook, over 99.9% weren't originated by Russia. Making it pretty darn unlikely that Russia was able to tip the balance and impact the election - or even be heard over the clamor and clangor of the big money candidates.

Granted, the Russian disinformation campaign was more than a relatively microscopic number of Facebook ads. They also assaulted America with an infinitesimally small presence on Twitter and other social media sites frequented by people who enjoy a "less is more" philosophy when it comes to reading, thinking, and other challenging activities.

In closing, we just want the media to shut up about all of this, and especially want them to button their lips regarding any Pearl Harbor comparisons. Although we will concede that any day which saw the graduation of one of these buffoons from journalism school should be considered a date which will live in infamy.

Stilton Says: Presidents Day Edition

To honor Presidents Day, which we traditionally do by trying to forget that Barack Obama ever happened, we're taking a Presidential approach to today's blog. Which is to say we're glancing at whatever's on our desk, scribbling a few words which may or may not be salient, then quickly moving on to the next topic so we can finish in time for a round of golf. Except that in our case, it's a round of drinks.

• Mueller's Indictments - After a long (and unfortunately ongoing) investigation, Bob Mueller has revealed that a bunch of Russians had 9-to-5 day jobs which consisted of posting bullcrap on Facebook and Twitter, not to help elect anyone, but just to screw with our heads.  An effort which falls somewhere between minor espionage and snickering assholery.

We are shocked - shocked! - to discover that it's not a good idea to get your news from blips and blurps on social media, nor is it a great idea for Americans to forward inflammatory political messages without first checking to see if they're factual.

This is, we suppose, evidence of Russian "meddling" in an election (and not for the first time), but semantics matter (unless you're anti-semantic) and meddling simply means the Russian trolls were sand in America's vasoline - irritating, annoying, and inconsequential. "Meddling" does not mean "affecting the outcome of the election," which flat out didn't happen.

• Trump's Sex Shenanigans - Frankly, my dears, we don't give a damn. We don't know if the accusations are true, but we do know that it's really nobody's business except Donald and Melania Trump. If he's screwing around on her, then he's a cad and a scoundrel. If, on the other hand, he has her permission to enjoy occasional flings and does so with porn stars and Playboy centerfolds, we can only shake our heads and say "it must be fun to be a billionaire."

This represents no hypocrisy on our part when compared to our feelings about Bill Clinton. Trump hasn't spattered the Oval Office with DNA while screwing young interns, he hasn't committed violent rape and then have his wife cover it up, he hasn't lied about it while under oath, and he hasn't done it on taxpayer-funded time. As Hillary was so fond of saying, "it's time to move on."

• Black Panther Movie - This thing is a huge box office success, and critics are proclaiming it to be a great and socially important film because if they didn't, they would be called racists. And for all we know, it's a fine superhero movie which we'll enjoy watching on Netflix someday.

But the mainstream media is arguing that the release of this film is a moment of great meaning in our nation's history, finally giving African-Americans real pride in their cultural heritage of being descended from superpowered comic book characters.

We've got a question: why is it that African-Americans should find meaning and pride in a CGI-packed movie about the imaginary black leader of the most technologically advanced civilization on Earth instead of finding such validation during 8 years of an actual black leader of the most technologically advanced civilization on Earth? Was it that Barry needed a cat mask and ebony bodysuit, or was a Half-Black Panther just a doomed concept from the start?

Again, we're not trashing the film or people's enthusiasm for it. But can we please turn down the volume on the many stories about the movie's importance and its undertones of racial divisiveness?

Stories which, for all we know, were planted by Russians.

AND ONE FROM THE VAULT...

Sound of Silence

The horror of yet another school shooting leaves us heartbroken and speechless.

Not that there's any lack of noise from a 24/7 media which exists only to fill every nanosecond with under-informed chatter while taking no time to simply reflect.

The usual talking heads are making their usual arguments, from which we'll get the usual results: no minds or policies changed, and no new insights about the nature of sheer, primal evil.

We can't and won't add our voices to that cacophony. We have no answers - only profound sadness for all of the lives forever changed or destroyed by this nightmarish act.

Hearts and Foolers

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY! We think that on this most special of Hallmark holidays, we should share a specially themed "Earwigs" which we're pretty sure Hallmark wouldn't touch with a ten foot, heart-adorned pole...

BONUS: ROGUES GALLERY

Oh, you just knew we had to share our take on the preposterous new portraits of Barry and Michelle. And we've got to admit that we're having a grand time watching effete Leftists struggling to explain why these alleged works of art are swoon-worthy.

Barry's is hilariously surreal and lacks only a unicorn to properly depict the self-obsessed fantasy world he lived in. Seriously, it practically screams "this man has no contact with reality."

We do, however, like the fact that the vines are already growing over his legs - giving us hope that he will eventually disappear entirely.

Coming soon to a "choom gang" van near you.

Michelle's portrait is just flat out, laughably hideous and deserves a non-traditional display.

Bonus! You can chill your groceries with her cold glare!

Although it wasn't our intent, we actually improved her wretched portrait by adding the colorful crayon illustrations. The actual painting looks like the work of a not-very-talented school kid who still got a C+ for "trying very, very hard."

The portrait is astonishingly amateurish, lifeless, and flat - although we actually agree with the artist's decision to give Michelle's painting no background. After all, what background did we ever get on the woman herself, other than that she had no pride in America until Obama elbowed his way into our national nightmares and, per her laughably self-centered university "thesis," that she just plain doesn't like white folks.

Perhaps it's just the influence of Valentine's Day, but we actually find our hearts warmed by these ghastly portraits...because they're exactly what the subjects deserved.

One Rink To Rule Them All

As you're likely aware, America (and Americans) won a Winter Olympics gold medal when our own Busty Ross recently took to the ice in South Korea!

Judges in the figure skating event were initially uncertain about Busty's bold choice of music for her routine ("America, F*ck Yeah" from the movie "Team America") but were eventually won over by the fact that when it comes to figure skating, well, nobody else has a figure like Busty's.

Following her overwhelming win, Busty declared "this gold medal is not for me. It's for the people of America, for our brave men and women in the military, and especially for my friends back at Stilton's Place, without whose support I could never have come this far."

Charming humility from a woman who deserves the thanks of a grateful nation.

BONUS: MARCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING

Last week, President Trump instructed his staff to prepare plans for a huge military parade which pretty much everyone thinks is a terrible idea.

And granted, spending untold millions of dollars to roll tanks and missiles down our city streets seems like a poor use of resources and a highly questionable public relations move.

But what if we could find ways to make such a parade more enjoyable?

Along with displays of jets, tanks, killer drones, and nuclear missiles, what if the parade included giant, comical helium balloons of Kim Jung Un, Nancy Pelosi, Hillary Clinton, Vladimir Putin, and other characters from popular journalistic fiction?

A Congressional float from which elected representatives tossed money to the crowds would surely play well, and not differ significantly from what those representatives would be doing otherwise.

In the interest of equal time, Democrats should be able to provide some floats showing off their accomplishments...assuming anyone wants to see a pajama boy float, a waving group of illegal aliens, brightly-painted gender-confused individuals with feathers and sequins adorning their genitals, a gigantic dumpster containing a year's worth of tiny corpses from Planned Parenthood, and of course a covey of black Americans being led down the street wearing the chains of the Democrat plantation.

We also think the public might enjoy the spectacle of a herd of GOP elephants marching at the rear of the parade - followed by mainstream "journalists" with shovels and garbage cans to clean up the droppings.

Failing all of that, we suggest that the funds for the parade be put entirely into reforms at our Veterans' hospitals...and let the actual parade consist entirely of those bureaucrats who have failed our wounded warriors as they're marched off to jail.

AND FINALLY...

Please, please, please let us see some market recovery this week.

Poker Face

Senate Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi just set an official record by flapping her yap for over 8 hours (and 2 adult diapers) on the subject of why legal citizens should get nothing in the budget if illegal aliens aren't allowed - indeed, encouraged - to remain in our country.

In fairness, the majority of those illegals work hard during their annual, back-breaking harvest of taxpayer-funded entitlements. And let's not forget that you can't be a Dreamer without taking time for siestas.

It is thought by some that Ms. Pelosi chose to speak so long in order to quell growing rumors that she is suffering from senile dementia. It is thought by others that her remarks ran so long because she kept forgetting her place in what should have been a 20 minute speech and kept starting over again.

All we know is that Nancy has, once again, set a record which will always be enshrined in the hallowed annals of the STFU.

BONUS: LAST TANGO IN PRYOR

To be clear on the subject, Stilton's Place is still Gay friendly and relatively non-judgmental about relationships between consenting adults in which no one gets hurt. Unless, of course, that's what turns them on.

Still, the news that groundbreaking comedian Richard Pryor and mumbling blob Marlon Brando were lovers is just a little more than we can take without reaching for a stiff drink and then immediately regretting our use of the word "stiff." Also, remembering Brando's "Last Tango in Paris," we don't expect to be using butter again for a long, long time.

What bothers us isn't so much their proclivities, which are none of our business, but rather that hearing Pryor and Brando's names jammed together in this context puts specific images in our head that we don't want to have. In much the same way that we don't really want to imagine the bedroom bliss of entirely heterosexual luminaries like Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman.

Then again, maybe we're just upset because the damn stock market is still plunging,  so we're more than a little sensitive about any subject related to taking it up the poop chute.

Stocks and Bondage

Is it just us, or does the timing of the wild, stomach-churning chaos in the stock market over the past few days seem awfully convenient for those anxious to distract Americans from the near-coups attempted by Democrats, intelligence agencies, and media outlets?

Following release of the Nunes memo, concerned citizens were just starting to dust off their pitchforks and fill up their tar-and-feather barrels, when suddenly the market dropped faster than Bill Clinton's pants.

Did some highly-placed, highly-funded person or persons know exactly what and when to sell to send automatic trading computers into a cyber-stampede "flash crash?" We don't know, and we have no proof - but then, the idiot who wrote the "Fire and Fury" book about Trump doesn't have proof of anything either, and he got a bestseller out of it! At least the stuff that we're making up is plausible!

According to the head of the financial department here at Stilton's Place, the company retirement fund  (and we quote) "took it in the nuts" on Monday. Fortunately, on Tuesday some of the painful swelling went down...although it may still be weeks before our portfolio can again ride a unicycle without agonizing pain.

Normally, we'd look at such a "rogue wave" financial event as being a fluke rather than a blatant manipulation. But now that we've gotten a look at the breadth and depth of the attempted manipulations during the last election, we're apt to be a little more suspicious than usual.

BONUS: COULDA BEEN A CONTENDER

We were hard pressed to decide which image of "Hillary the Spider" to use for Monday's post. Eventually we went with the one we liked best, but we think this more abstract version also has merit enough to deserve posting for the art lovers among you...

If she'd won, we'd currently be papering public walls with these in the dark of night.

What REALLY Happened

Click the picture for a larger size if you don't mind nightmares.

The release of the Nunes memo is big news (and the Democrats' "rebuttal memo" is no news whatsoever, no matter how the mainstream media tries to fluff it). There are many angles and perspectives which need to be pursued...but for today, we want to focus on the one illustrated above.

When we take a step backward to look at the big picture of our last Presidential election, an astonishing and terrifying truth is revealed. Queen Hillary, with all the money in the world at her disposal, literally bought the debt-ridden DNC in order to assure that she would become the nominee - disenfranchising the Democrat voters who overwhelmingly and enthusiastically supported Bernie Sanders.

She then doled out the dollars to fund the fake Russian dossier against her Republican challenger, setting in motion a Kafka-esque attack on a Presidential candidate - and every Republican voter - by an unscrupulous cabal of political flunkies, intelligence agencies, and "news" sources who expected to be rewarded for their evil deeds (and certainly never investigated or punished) following Hillary's coronation.

Think about this for a moment...and then drop to your knees and thank God that she didn't quite manage to pull it off; the first Presidential election in which virtually every voter would have been disenfranchised. Interference with an election doesn't get any bigger or more direct than that.

Hillary, dripping venom, was indeed at the center of this web...and it's a web which stretches far and wide, and is littered with the desiccated remains of those who stood between this angry arachnid and her obsessive ambition.

She did not need to give specific instructions to all the players (beyond tugging a few silken threads here and there, and occasionally baring her fangs). Like the insects they are, they already knew their jobs and roles. They understood the system down to their DNA, and the good of all depended on the good of the queen. Nothing else mattered, whether laws or professional oaths.

We came terrifyingly close to losing everything: our nation, our rights, and our freedoms. This is a crime of unimaginable scope and consequence...and to prevent it from ever happening again, we need to see vigorous investigations, prosecutions, and appropriate punishments for all who were involved.

And that web needs to be burned down.

Finding Memo

One of those funny ones from that cheese guy.

The big news for today is, of course, the release of the infamous memo which completely discredits the FBI, proves a high-level governmental conspiracy against Donald Trump, and names those who will soon be heading to the hoosegow.

At least, we hope that's what's in the memo, because we wrote this yesterday and have no idea if the memo will actually be released, if it will be wildly damning to the Left, or will have been yet another overhyped nothing-sandwich.

Based on the enthusiasm of those on the Right to get it into the public eye, and the absolute horror currently being registered by the Democrats, we're guessing that memo will not only have substance, but is going to be the biggest blockbuster in ages to not be reported by the mainstream media.

BONUS: MUG SHOT

photo credit: Matthew Brady

Speculation continues to run wild about what in the living hell Nancy Pelosi was doing with her face while pretending to listen to President Trump's state of the union speech.

We don't know if she was using her tongue to probe for crackerjack stuck in her dentures, gargling a mouthful of vomit, chewing her cud, or simply imagining blowing out the 113 candles on her next birthday cake.

Then again, maybe she just didn't want anyone to know she was being forced to eat crow.

BONUS: SUPERBOWEL SUNDAY

The world's most accurate measuring device.

Loyal reader and cheese vendor extraordinaire, Sharon Wheeler, sent us a note asking a very perceptive question: who the heck is actually going to be watching the Superbowl this year?

As she points out, anti-patriotism liberals (was that redundant?) are going to avoid the game because they're deeply offended by the names of both teams. Seriously, the words "Patriots" and "Eagles" burn them like Holy water sizzling through the rancid skin of the demon-possessed girl in The Exorcist.

Then you have conservatives who are sick and tired of televised football because the real game has become the "will they or won't they" Kabuki theater in which multi-millionaire players are "taking the knee" because, were it not for widespread racial discrimination, they'd be multi-billionaire players.

Of course, some apolitical types might still tune in...unless they happen to have families, and don't want their kids to be subjected to yet another sonically painful bump-and-grind halftime show broadcast in high definition Crotch-o-rama. Seriously, Tijuana donkey shows have more taste and dignity.

The numbers dwindle further when we consider those folks who just tune in for the legendarily expensive commercials. Spoiler alert: the Budweiser Clydesdales, who can make us weep openly just by clip-clopping past an American flag, are only getting 5 seconds of airtime. Hardly a suitable payoff for putting up with 4 hours of crap.

Which leaves no one to watch except those who are utterly clueless about what's going on around them, and who actually enjoy the kind of musical pap the halftime show spits up. In other words, the lamebrains who make up the Grammy Awards audience.

None of whom can stand football.

YOUR TAX DULLARDS AT WORK

By now, it's likely that you've heard that no members of the Congressional Black Caucus stood during the State of the Union speech to applaud the lowest black unemployment rate on record...or to applaud much of anything else either.

But it would certainly be unfair of us to categorize their actions as hideously rude and a terrible show of indifference to the constituents whom they're supposed to be representing. No, the truth is that they were just too darn busy with their smartphones to pay attention to anything being said. Just like when someone is blah-blah-blahing in the House of Representatives about laws or regulations or national security or some other boring topic.

In the picture above, we see two members of the CBC checking their twitter feeds, while the gal on the far right is actually playing "Candy Crush." We wish we were kidding, but we're not.

In future years, we'd like to see their seats - for the SOTU and in Congress - given to someone who actually gives a rat's ass about this country.

AND ONE LAST THING...