Happy Halloween 2019

We take Halloween pretty seriously at Stilton's Place, as evidenced by these actual interior decorations we've been enjoying for most of the month...

We're also ready with a full contingent of outdoor decorations for the trick-or-treat crowd, including inflatables, video projectors, creepy music, and psychedelic lighting - all of which we think would make great additions to future Democrat debates!

Unfortunately, rain and wind are predicted for Halloween night so we may just end up shaking our fist at the sky and shouting "How DARE you?!" Greta Thunberg-style, then watch ice cold drizzle through the windows while eating the tiny candy bars that were intended for costumed kids.

But hope springs eternal, and we'll still be ready to make the outside of stately Jarlsberg manor suitably creepy if there's a break in the weather.

And speaking of hope springing eternally, we'd like to share the graphic below from our good friend Johnny Optimism. Every year on that site, we post a collage of decorated Halloween wheelchairs as a reminder that when Life gives you lemons, you should kick Life in the ass and throw your lemons at it, then do something totally awesome.

Considering the all-too-spooky news lately, we think it's a timely bit of advice. So enjoy Halloween, and take optimism and inspiration from these kids (and their wonderful parents)!

(Note: Just in case you feel like you're experiencing deja vu, honesty compels us to admit that much of this is an updated version of our 2018 post. Think of it like year-old Halloween candy that you discover in the back of the pantry and eat anyway because it's probably still good.)

BONUS: FROM THE CRYPT...

Pieces in Our Time

And if there are enough vests for everyone.

Saturday night "live" is what ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi wasn't following a daring special forces operation last Saturday night. Troops went in, cleared the compound - killing those who resisted - then closed in on al-Baghdadi himself.

The ISIS leader scurried down a dead-end (literally) tunnel with three of his children, then blew all of them to bits with a suicide vest.

President Trump, in a statement Sunday morning, made it clear that al-Baghdadi "died like a dog. He died like a coward. Whimpering, screaming, and crying. The thug who tried so hard to intimidate others spent his last moments in utter fear, in total panic and dread, terrified of the American forces bearing down on him."

Trump's willingness to take a metaphorical leak on al-Baghdadi's grave stands in stark contrast to Barack Obama's more measured (to put it mildly) statement upon the killing of Osama bin Laden. Obama described Osama as a terrorist and killer, but did not further personalize attacks on bin Laden's character nor the manner of his death. And we should note that as an additional show of respect for bin Laden (and not Islam, because Obama specifically stated that "Bin Laden was not a Muslim leader"),  Obama ordered the terror mastermind's body to be washed and wrapped per Muslim tradition, then immediately buried at sea without further forensics.

We'll also note that Trump gave full credit and praise to everyone involved with locating and exterminating al-Baghdadi, while Obama's statement made it sound like he'd personally grabbed a headband and hunting knife and gone Rambo on bin Laden. Which hardly squares with reports that Obama had to have his happy ass dragged off a golf course to watch the bin Laden raid, and the raid might actually have taken place over Obama's objection. (It's worth noting that the White House later confirmed Obama's golf outing, but characterized it as a brilliant ruse to keep the press from knowing that something important was happening. Which, in all candor, strikes us as breathtaking bullshit.)

Be that as it may, we're pleased to see that American justice is being meted out with a firm hand, and that Mr. Trump is not allowing partisan (and likely criminal) domestic resistance to interfere with the performance of his Presidential duties.

BONUS: WHAT IN THE ACTUAL F**K?!

We thought we'd said all we needed to say above. Then we saw this actual headline from the Washington Post...

We couldn't believe that ANY newspaper would really send this out, but we checked and double-checked and it's true. According to the WaPo, Trump is just knocking off "austere religious scholars" rather than ridding the world of murderous terrorists.

Which is why, if the Washington Post is ever burned to the ground by an angry torch-bearing mob (God forbid), our headline will be "Newspaper Writers Attend Barbecue."

Having Scum Fun Now

They say that a picture is worth a thousand words, that brevity is the soul of wit, and that less is more. To test this triple-dip of wisdom (and in celebration of personal laziness), we're presenting three cartoons today which pretty much speak for themselves...

It was the right thing to do, Mr. President

BREAK IN NEWS:

Both will be watched to see if they suddenly start flashing large amounts of wampum around.

Here's the boring story of the headquarters break-in.

CLOSED DORK SESSION:

Well, it's not like there isn't precedent...

And there's the Friday wrap-up, miraculously finished just in time for us to declare Happy Hour! Have a great weekend everyone - and see you in the comments section!

ADDENDUM: BRUSH FIRE

For anyone who didn't understand the cartoon above, it was a reference to Democrat Congresswoman Katie Hill, who was photographed in the buff brushing the hair of the young congressional aide she'd been shtupping in a three-way relationship. Stay classy, Democrats!

Great White Way

Right up front, we want to go on record as being very sincerely supportive of gay folks and gay marriage. But we can't help commenting on the fact that Pete Buttigieg might benefit from a little more tailoring of the image he's presenting on the campaign trail.

Although "Mayor Pete" is enjoying a nice rise in recent polls, an in-depth study of black voters in South Carolina showed that many of them found his sexual orientation to be problematic - enough so that most weren't even considering voting for him.

Part of the problem, as expressed by those polled, is that they don't mind Buttigieg being gay, but do have a problem with how vocal he is about it. So surely it isn't helping matters when Buttigieg announces a contest in which the grand prize is a trip to San Francisco (more or less the gay mecca) to enjoy an evening of musical theater with his husband, Chasten.

We're sure it will be an absolutely lovely evening, but still - isn't the whole event just a little too "on the nose" for those voters who were already feeling uncomfortable? Why not make the grand prize a visit to Buttigieg's actual home, South Bend, Indiana, where Chasten can take the lucky winners on a tour of all the positive things Mayor Pete has accomplished?

Oh, that's right - he hasn't actually done such a great job of being a small town Mayor. So maybe the fabulous distractions aren't such a bad idea after all.

Period Piece

In case you weren't paying attention, Saturday was National Period Day, with crowds of woke men and women flooding into the streets (so to speak) to declare themselves "period proud," demand that we "end period poverty," and wave signs saying "tampons, not guns," which makes us wonder who the hell had been making that mistake?

And although it's easy for insensitive cretins to make sophomoric jokes about all of this, we are fortunate to live in a society where serious issues are taken seriously by serious people. Like Beto O'Rourke, for instance...

Okay, we've slightly exaggerated what he had to say, but we're not kidding about Beto's hot-blooded dedication to this issue. Just consider this actual tweet...

That's right, the Irishman who pretends to be Hispanic, who wants to confiscate guns, and who promises to take away the tax exempt status of churches has thrown his support behind the Menstrual Equity Act, which is surprisingly a real thing. We're not 100% sure what the goal of the Menstrual Equity Act is, but suspect it's intended to close the menstrual inequality gap between the poor and the rich. Or, in tampon terms, the "light day" versus the "supermax" crowd.

But enough foolishness. We certainly and sincerely support women's health and hygiene, and in good conscience can not mock National Period Day since we didn't mock men when they held National Skidmark Day.

Sorry! Sorry! That was another joke! But we're going to take a deep breath, square our shoulders, and make one more attempt to present this subject in a serious, adult manner...

Hey, we tried.

Stand Up Guy

For those of you keeping score, here's the story about Nancy Pelosi staging a highly choreographed walkout on the President, here's the story about there being twice as many illegal aliens in our country than were previously reported (and the number is still erroneously low), and here's the story in which scientists say that less neural activity translates to a longer life...which raises the terrifying possibility that Democrat freshman Alexandria Foccacia-Croutons may actually be immortal.

Frankly, we occasionally think about buying a loud shirt and a stylish hat and popping in front of a camera to do a stand-up comedy act about current news events (eons ago, we actually did stand-up comedy, albeit nothing political).

But video seems to be a young person's medium and, additionally, one that looks suspiciously like work. Moreover, Youtube seems pretty consistent about trying to bury anyone with a conservative viewpoint - let alone a politically incorrect sense of humor.

Still...someday...maybe...?

In the meanwhile, you may be seeing more of our brassy friend above from time to time...assuming that I can stuff him back in my Id afterwards.

See Worthy News

In our sadly paternalistic culture, the voices of intelligent, independent women are still too little heard when it comes to serious discussion of the issues which confront and divide us.

Well, Stilton's Place won't put up with that sort of sexist crap! Which is why today is Ladies Day in the fast-moving, bareknuckle world of Internet journalism.

And for anyone who thinks we just felt lazy today and thought we could get away with posting pictures of bikini babes, we must remind you that these are "woke" times, and you should never just assume our agenda.

Holiday Put On Ice

"Columbus Day" is now widely called "Indigenous Peoples Day," and even more widely called "White Shame Day" because so few people can spell indigenous. In celebration of the day, liberal scolds will berate their fellow citizens for the unforgivable sin of stealing the heritage of native Americans...after which those same scolds will hurry off to an Elizabeth Warren rally.

Which shouldn't come as any surprise - after all, "Indignant-est People Day" is all about hypocrisy...

BONUS: DASHES TO ASHES

Just to make sure no one forgets their enthusiasm for fascism, House democrats like John Garamendi and Rashida Tlaib are now actively planning the logistics of grabbing "uncooperative" members of the Trump administration and throwing them into the House jail if they don't help with the ongoing coup attempt.

The existence of this mysterious prison was confirmed last May by Nancy Pelosi, who said "We do have a little jail in the basement of the Capitol, but if we were arresting all of the people in the administration, we would have an overcrowded jail situation. And I'm not for that."

Note that she's not against clapping her political enemies in jail without due process...she's just against overcrowding. Which may not be a problem depending on just what comes out of the nozzles in the shower room.

Fighting Fire with Firepower

Daniel Henninger of the Wall Street Journal has accurately labeled the current impeachment battle "World War Trump," and there's no way we can improve on that description...or deny it. Wars are messy things, and a lot of people and institutions get hurt. Collateral damage can be high. And all of the above is exactly what the Leftist politicians and media want.

President Trump has made it clear that he's not going to just roll over and assist the Democrats with their latest coup attempt. This fight is going to the courts and, quite possibly, the streets.

We're sick of it. This isn't what we want to write about or to live with. But neither can we ignore an absolutely unprecedented situation in which an attempted Presidential overthrow is being staged right in front of us.

And just try averting your eyes...you can't. Our culture is now experiencing a saturation bombing campaign of entirely specious non-stop messages about Trump being some kind of monster. Fox News and the Drudge Report have now largely fallen into lock step with the rest of mainstream media, which only adds to our sense of frustration and isolation.

We're not calling out these "news" sources because they're reporting stories we don't like, we're calling them out because their stories are all overhyped spin and bullshit. No wonder polls are showing growing support for the removal of the President - people are being force fed lies on a 24/7 basis. Without taking the initiative to dig deeper into stories or (God help us) actually use their heads, it's unsurprising that so many are coming to believe the relentless propaganda.

Make no mistake, this is much more than a skirmish over a President. It's a battle about the very nature of our Constitution, our freedoms, our way of life, and whether or not elections will ever again mean a damn in this country. The fact that those outcomes are currently unclear underscores what a perilous and historic point we're at.

There's simply no escaping "World War Trump," although we have a fantasy about a place safe from fake news, social media, and the ambitions of those who mean our nation harm. Some place to enjoy a little sanity until the fallout clears...

And please, slap them hard. 

You're Getting Warmer

We're still sick of the impeachment story (although it's really heating up), we don't know enough about foreign affairs to opine intelligently on the situation in Syria, and although the Drudge Report had a promising story headlined "STUDY: Farmers Have The Most Sex," we didn't think we could build a whole blog post out of it. Well, we could - but we'd take a sleazy approach and we don't really want to honk off people who use pitchforks professionally.

So in the interest of filling space, we're presenting you with a taste of an actual book project we submitted to our New York literary agent back in 2007: "100 Good Things About Global Warming." She turned it down immediately, said that the subject wasn't funny, shouldn't be joked about, and stopped sending us Christmas cards. Oops!

Frankly, we still like the idea and might self-publish the book someday if we get really bored. Every page would be richly illustrated, sane people would get a much-needed laugh out of it, and that pissy little Greta Thunberg would probably try to strangle us with her braids.

Back in 2007, it wasn't "climate change" yet.

• Penguins discover that when they're not shivering, they can fly after all.

• Kids can lay on their backs and make "dead grass angels" in the yard.

• Eskimos will be warm enough to rub a lot more than noses.

• Iceland will be renamed simply "Land."

• Avalanches will only bury people up to their ankles.

• The Abominable Snowman will become just another abominable guy.

• Never again hear the phrase: "Your food is getting cold."

• Eskimos' 39 different words for snow can be replaced with the single word "puddle."

• Debate over whether any two snowflakes are identical comes to an end.

• Jack Frost stops nipping at your nose, switches to spying on you in your swimsuit.

• Santa's elves can take off their heavy coats and go back to being leprechauns.

• With no need to hibernate, bears finally catch up on chores they've been "meaning to get to."

• "Seeing your breath" becomes clear evidence of a hygiene problem.

• New holiday TV specials like "The Sunscreen That Saved Christmas."

• Unemployed Saint Bernards start bringing rum to those "buried in paperwork."

• Never wince again when someone says "Ant-ar-tic" instead of "Ant-arc-tic."

• Hottentots will simply be called "Tots."

• Hawaii tourism booms with slogan "It's Too Hot To Wear Our Grass Skirts."

• Plenty of hot water for shower, no matter which knob you turn.

• Brass monkeys lose their fear of winter.

• "Baked Alaska" promoted from dessert to state motto.

...and on and on and on. Yes, there really are 100 of these entries and now that we're reading them again for the first time in years, maybe we should consider that whole self-publishing thing. After all, it would really annoy those hysterical voices of doom on the Left...and that would be the best "good thing about global warming" of all!

Note: All of the above is ©2019 by Stilton Jarlsberg. 

Never steal things from a crazy man.

Punch & Judas Show

The Drudge Report now informs us in giant red letters that a "2ND WHISTLEBLOWER COMES FORWARD," which pretty much proves...well...nothing at all. Because we already know that none of this stupid non-impeachment "impeachment process" is legitimate.

For all we know, and with memory of the Kavanaugh hearings still stuck in our craw, this new "whistleblower" may be claiming to have seen a youthful President Trump spiking punch bowls at parties, after which he steered helpless, drugged heads of state into a bedroom where he forced them to say dirty things about Joe Biden.

And we...don't...care.

The funny thing about credibility, as the Left has failed to notice, is that once it's gone you can't get it back. Which is why no number of Democrat-coached "whistleblowers" can impress us at this point... nor can they make us spend any more time blogging about it than we want to. Which ain't much.

Nope - the needle hasn't budged.

BONUS...

In all seriousness, we're glad to see Bernie Sanders out of the hospital and apparently feeling better. We don't like his socialist fantasies, but we actually think he has more integrity (in a very tortured sense of the word) than many of his Democrat rivals. And he's way more hilarious to watch!

While we wish him no political success whatsoever, we wish the man himself well.

Phuket Friday

With all of the aggravating news lately, we thought that it would be a good idea to devote today's blog to something more positive, uplifting, and spiritual. We're speaking, of course, about the 2019 Phuket Vegetarian Festival which is happening right now in Thailand. If you hurry, you can still catch it!

Among the various non-meat-eating events at the Festival, a particular crowd-pleaser sees celebrants parading through the streets with a variety of surprising objects jammed through their cheeks and mouths. While this may seem strange to Western eyes, there's actually a good reason for these ritualistic piercings: by impaling themselves, the worshippers draw bad luck away from the rest of the townspeople. Don't laugh - they think we're idiots for believing we can change the weather by making plastic straws taboo.This joyful celebration reminds us of the rich variety of cultures across the globe, absolutely none of which are inferior to our own in any way, at least when it comes to sideshow-type entertainment value. And with that thought in mind, we'd like to see this colorful celebration imported to the United States. Specifically, we'd like to see it adopted by the many politicians and media types who are currently trying to overthrow the Presidency. Hey, their mouths are already wide open - and we'll happily chip in to help buy them scimitars, knitting needles, hand saws, harpoons, and post hole diggers!We're so enthusiastic about the idea that, every time we hear another fake news report or lying politician we loudly shout "Phuket!" at the television screen. Just ask our neighbors.

Hi Way to Hell

He's also alleged to have dated a porn star named Misty Meener.

Remember Monday, when we said we don't really want to spend a lot of time hashing over the ongoing minutiae of the "impeachment" crap? Well, we weren't kidding. So here's a cartoon, and the Democrats and the media can go screw themselves. What we lack in subtlety, we make up for in brevity!

Meanwhile, with a sudden uptick in public appearances by Hillary Clinton, we're getting an uncomfortable feeling that - as we've predicted all along - the old biddy really might be preparing for a deus ex machina entrance into the 2020 Presidential race. She will claim that she's the only one who can beat Trump because "I did it once before!" (Note: we made that quote up, but we'd bet good money that you'll be hearing it from her withered lips before long).

With these thoughts in mind, and because Halloween decorating has entered our thoughts (hey, it's October!), we've created a singularly creepy piece of art that we call "waiting in the shadows"...

Download a high-rez, printable version of this picture for Halloween by clicking this link!

As Count Floyd would say, "That's real scary, boys and girls! Ah-wooooo!"

Of course, the person who should be most scared of Hillary right now is the alleged "whistleblower" at the heart of the latest Trump coup attempt. Why? Because the actual accusations against the President won't hold water, but it would look pretty bad for Trump if the whistleblower suddenly had an "accident" of the kind that Hillary can probably arrange in her sleep by now.

Think about it: the whistleblower's statement is already on record, but a dead whistleblower can't be called before investigating committees or be forced to reveal the names of leakers and conspirators. It's a Democrat dream come true!

Such an event would cast just enough suspicion on Trump (with a big push from the media) that he would likely be unelectable. But could such a thing really happen? Well, it's already being reported that the whistleblower is under "federal protection" out of assassination fears...which sounds like journalistic "priming the pump" for a murder scenario which may have already been scripted.

Mind you, this is all wild ass speculation on our part...but anyone who isn't experiencing a bit of paranoia at this point just isn't paying attention.