The Great White Hoax

Astounding, isn't it?!

We're pressed for time today, but just couldn't pass up this particular story. In the aftermath of hate-hoaxer Jussie Smollett suspiciously getting his 16 felony charges dropped by Chicago prosecutors (and Smollett and others claiming this proves he was telling the truth all along), people want to know why Jussie's friends, the Osundairo brothers, confessed to committing the fake attack.

Obviously, the only way both stories could even remotely be true was if Smollett actually believed the two Nigerians were white racist Trump supporters who routinely carry bleach and nooses during late night arctic cold snaps, waiting for gay black actors to emerge from a 24-hour sandwich shop.

To (ahem) "prove" this was a possibility, Smollett's attorney Tina Glandian said that the brothers might have been wearing "whiteface" disguises...and then produced a picture of one of the brothers wearing whiteface makeup (costumed as The Joker) to show how easily he could have been mistaken for a Caucasian. Perhaps even young Barron Trump, musician Edgar Winter, or one of the teutonic Von Trapp children from "The Sound of Music."

We won't lie: this picture is one of the most wonderful and hilarious things we've seen in ages.

And we don't know what Smollett (or Michelle Obama, Kamala Harris, Angela Davis, or George Soros) is paying that lawyer, but if she was able to present that particular picture and defense with a straight face, she's worth every penny.

Oh, Dem Judges!

"Mission Accomplished!"

Emergency measures had to be instituted yesterday to counteract a disturbing number of reports that Conservatives were beginning to believe the US Justice System might actually be working again. To counter those potentially dangerous thoughts, officials in Barack Obama's alleged home town quickly dropped all 16 felony charges against hate-crime hoaxer Jussie Smollet, after which Judge Steven G. Watkins, Democrat, sealed all of the court records to prevent the kind of "transparency" that other Dems are rabidly demanding from the Mueller report.

Clearly, this bizarre (and so far unexplained) action goes way past the usual norms of "blind justice." In fact, it suggests that in Chicago, justice isn't just blind but also deaf, dumb, and covered with malodorous, oozing syphilitic lesions.

Frankly, we're not surprised that the vast majority of murderers go uncaught and unimprisoned in Chicago, because Chicago doesn't care a rat's ass about the mainly low-income black victims who are being slaughtered on a daily basis. We're slightly more surprised that an open-and-shut case involving a hate crime and terroristic threats (hey, YOU try mailing white powder to someone and see if it gets laughed off!) is so easily being dismissed...and actively covered up.

But this is the world we live in now. If, in the eyes of the media and those holding political power, you hate the right people, then you can do no wrong and suffer no punishment.

As for us, we have a sprinkling of good memories of visiting Chicago and her museums when we were very young. Which is a good thing, because there's no way we'll ever again set foot in that crime infested, thoroughly corrupt hellhole. We certainly don't approve of nooses (even a Smollett "fake noose"), but the city might very well benefit from a very thorough washdown in bleach.

BONUS: (GRIN) NEW DEAL...

Spin Cycle

The Mueller Report is finished and the results are known. There was no evidence whatsoever of Russian collusion by Trump or anyone associated with him. There was no evidence whatsoever of any conspiracies amongst Trump and his people. And there was no objective evidence that Trump made any attempt to obstruct justice, even though Mueller - in a spectacular act of weasel-wording - chose to say that this lack of evidence "did not exonerate" Trump, and the decision should be made by the Attorney General of the United States. And that decision was (drum roll)... that there was no obstruction of justice.

In other words, all of the accusations we've heard from mainstream media talking heads, sleazy politicians, and Obama-era intelligence agency heads were complete and total lies, fabricated out of pure hatred and a desire to overturn the results of a Presidential election.

We should be in a celebratory mood over the Mueller Report, but we're not. After all, we've known the charges were baseless since before Trump was even sworn in. Nor can we take any pleasure in the notion that Mueller's Report is going to change the dialogue in the media or in Washington DC, because it won't make a damn dime's worth of difference. MSNBC, CNN, and the roughly five thousand Democratic presidential candidates are already out there proclaiming that this two year, $40 million dollar investigation doesn't clear Trump of anything. As AOC notably said (and we paraphrase for intelligibility) "it's more important to be morally right than factually accurate."

This comes as no surprise and, at this point, not even much of a disappointment. But what does concern us - a lot - is what comes next in terms of bringing to justice the many high-ranking officials,  including Obama, Hillary, and various intelligence heads, who tried to destroy the American election system and, failing that, subsequently attempted a Presidential coup d'etat.

That's the type of thing traditionally sorted out with fair trials and firing squads, although we'd be satisfied to see long, long jail sentences. Obama did a pretty good job of emptying his friends and allies out of our containment facilities at Guantanamo Bay, so we know there's plenty of room down there for those enemies of our nation and Constitution who no longer deserve the privilege of living on American soil.

Brushing the Dog

Okay, we give up. We wanted to write a nice post making fun of the most recent political idiocy, but we just can't today. And why? Because Penny (the official dog of Hope n' Change) is currently at the veterinarian's office getting her teeth cleaned, and we're on pins and needles waiting to find out that she's come through the trauma and anesthesia okay. After which, we'll probably self-administer a little personal anesthesia to calm our nerves.

Penny's predecessor, Maggie, thoroughly enjoyed having her teeth brushed - but Penny has never wanted any part of it. We've tried chicken flavored toothpaste, beef flavor, and peanut butter flavor (which was invented by George Washington Carver's dog) but Penny found none of them acceptable. Which is especially surprising considering the degree to which she enjoys Texas Yard Jerky, which is her own sun-baked poop. Yum!

Try as we might, we just can't focus on anything today other than nibbling our fingernails and having sweat bead on our brow while waiting for the phone call that we can finally bring our gleaming-toothed pooch home to safety.

She'll no doubt be wobbly for awhile, and will sporadically show her opinion of the days events by vomiting on our expensive new area rugs. Which, in fairness, is probably what we would have done anyway if really paying attention to the news.

Yeah, we've got a one-track mind today...

BONUS: THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME

The same look AOC had in her economics classes.

Penny is finally home (after seven hours!) from her trying day, and has decided that holding down the sofa for 24 hours or so is her best course of action. By tomorrow, she should be up and around again, and waiting to chase empty Clan MacGregor bottles around the backyard.

A little something we call Making Afternoons Great Again.

Ruth or Consequences?

Okay, we absolutely, genuinely wish no ill on Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg and hope that she's doing well...but we do wish that her handlers could give us some concrete proof that she's still got her marbles. And a pulse.

Cynics that we are, we didn't find ourselves entirely reassured by a recent article which informed us that Ginsburg had just celebrated her 86th birthday and that the perky pixie of jurisprudence was "all smiles" as she cavorted around town. Especially since this is the photo they used to prove her vim, vigor, and vitality...

Wow, she looks great! Unless that's, oh, literally anyone else in the entire world who wears glasses. Or perhaps a small child holding a Ginsburg balloon. Or Ruth being carried to a waiting hearse...we have no freaking idea.

For that matter, we don't even really know if this is actually a photo or a painting by someone trying to rip off the impressionistic "colored dots" style of Georges Seurat.

In any event, we wish Justice Ginsburg a "happy birthday" and hope that she gets well - and gets retired - as soon as possible.

Luck of the I Wish

Okay, we may be a day late to the party but we couldn't ignore St. Paddy's Day entirely. After all, our paternal grandfather was 100% Irish, straight from County Cork. So our heart beats a little faster on March 17th, which we choose to think of as proud traditionalism rather than troubling and potentially deadly arrhythmia.

But turning serious for a moment, our heart genuinely does ache over the senseless and appalling massacre which took place in New Zealand, and was executed by a madman who played the whole thing as a social media event, including live-streaming murders and writing a lengthy, baffling, and self-contradicting manifesto designed to stoke argument, anger, and division. Let us be very, very clear about something: this piece of human garbage killed innocent people specifically to get his sick views noticed and talked about. Which is why we're not doing it and never will.  Screw this lunatic, and anyone who would use his acts for political leverage. Our hearts are with the people of Christchurch, New Zealand. All the people.

But to lighten today's post a bit, let's take a look at what happened when Chelsea Clinton tangled with protesters at an NYU vigil for the New Zealand victims...

You don't need a Hubbell telescope to notice she's growing into her real father's bottom lip...

In essence, an anti-Israeli protester accused Chelsea's tweet (in which she suggested that a Congresswoman's blatant anti-semitism wasn't a good thing) of triggering the Islamaphobic massacre in New Zealand. This immediately opens several important questions:

• Are tweets really that frigging important? To anyone?
• Does the radical left really think that anti-semitism is a winning play going into 2020 elections?
• Why the hell is a 39 year old woman hanging around vigils on a college campus instead of staying home caring for her kids, her private servers, and her secret bank accounts?

Frankly, we enjoy watching the Left devour its own, so really have no problem with this stupid story. Or, for that matter, this stupid story...

"I was only suggesting that she share her wealth."

School of Fort Knox

We're enjoying watching the big college admissions scandal story unfold, as it's got a little something for everybody. Hate rich people? Hate people who game the system? Hate people who live in a privileged bubble that you'll never enjoy? Hate Hollywood celebrities? This fraud's for you!

And while we chuckled over the hypocrisy of Senator Elizabeth "Princess Cheekbones" Warren saying that she has zero sympathy for people who fudge collegiate documents to get ahead (ironically while she was giving a clandestine "White Power" gang sign)...

...we couldn't help but be reminded of the long-running and highly plausible rumor that Barack Obama (or Barry Soetoro as he called himself at the time) got major funding help from Occidental College by claiming to be a foreign student. Of course, we can't confirm this blatant fraud - nor can Lefties disprove it - because Obama had the documentation sealed from public view...much like every other piece of information about his past. Because "transparency" apparently works best when armed guards protect your secrets.

But the college admission scandal isn't really about politics - it's about privilege, and those who abuse it. Actress Lori Loughlin apparently paid $500,000 to get her daughters into a good school, an amount for which you could probably buy entrance for a dead hamster or a small bowl of succotash. One daughter was already earning $300,000 a year on Youtube and questioned why she even needed college (not a bad point), though allowed that she'd grudgingly attend to enjoy "game day and partying."

We frankly doubt that this distracting, shiny object of a scandal (seen any major stories about FBI mattress Lisa Page testifying that Obama's DOJ ordered the FBI not to pursue charges against Hillary?) will make any real impact on fixing America's badly broken college system. But we do hope to see the guilty appropriately shamed and punished, if only to enjoy a brief moment of nostalgia for the way justice is supposed to work.

And who knows, maybe in this case it will...

Speaking of fake documents, we admit we made this one up.

BONUS: KILLER IDEA?

Hey, this might seem like a screwy idea, but it's not as screwy as what California's Governor Gavin Newsom just signed into law. When convicted killers have more protections than kids, the world is badly out of whack.

Impeach Impaired

Something very interesting has happened in the last couple of days. With hints that the long-awaited Mueller Report might finally be issued at any moment, the anti-Trump impeachment rhetoric of rabid Democrat dogs Nancy Pelosi and Adam Schiff has changed remarkably.

Perhaps after getting insider information that the Mueller Report will be less a hurricane than a butterfly fart, the two (and other democrats) are suddenly striking a much more subdued tone "for the good of the country." Right. As if either has ever showed interest in what was good for our country.

"Unless there's something so compelling and overwhelming and bipartisan, I don't think we should go down that path," said the ever-bipartisan House Speaker through tight-pressed, botoxed lips, "because it divides the country." And if there's one thing the Democrats clearly don't want, it's to divide the country...except by race, gender, religion, class, sexual orientation, culture, fiscal worth, or citizenship status.

In similarly measured tones (perhaps after quaffing a similarly measured amount of taxpayer-funded booze from Nancy's drink cart), Adam "When I Hit The Fan" Schiff reluctantly mumbled "A bipartisan process would have to be extra clear and compelling." As opposed to, presumably, made up out of whole cloth by a cabal of liars looking to overturn our last Presidential election.

Of course, the loud "beep-beep-beep" of high-ranking Democrats trying to back up may be due to more than just leaked information that the Mueller Report is going to be absolutely inconsequential. Because in a recent interview, Trump said that if the Democrats "want to play tough," then he will declassify documents which will be "devastating" to them.

This may be total BS on Trump's part (he is, after all, a more efficient manure spreader than you'll find on even the largest factory farm), or it might be actual truth. But if it is, we don't think Trump should be using it as a bargaining chip.

Rather, he should go ahead and drop the mother of all Truth Bombs on the Democrats (and deserving Republicans, for that matter) then start rebuilding our government in the smoldering, slightly radioactive crater that used to be the Washington swamp.

Sproing Forward, Fall Back

Oh sure, there's plenty of interesting and meaningful news worth talking about today, but we can't really do it. And why? It's because we're bleary-eyed, disoriented, and sick to our stomach, owing to the governmental curse called Daylight Saving Time.

And while we're not normally conspiratorially minded, we can't help but connect a few dots. Today, we could be writing about AOC accusing the United States of being "garbage" in statements made at the South By Southwest gathering in Austin, TX, or writing about the Democrats killing a bill to limit voting to actual citizens. We could be writing about House Democrats' tacit endorsement of anti-semitism, or the increasing panic among the Left-leaning that the Mueller report - if the damn thing ever comes out - will have absolutely nothing of substance about Trump's alleged Russian collusion.

But nooOOooo. Because the government is spreading sleeping sickness far more efficiently than any tsetse fly could ever dream of (see what we did there?), we're limited to tapping randomly on our keyboard while blinking with heavy-lidded eyes and thinking wistfully of death by ritual Seppuku just to end our zombie-like torpor.

And sure, people say that the nightmare of DST works itself out over the course of a year, but at our age we don't really consider that a guarantee. Instead, we look at the situation more like our friend Johnny Optimism does...

We'd say more, but at the time of this writing on Sunday night, the clock says it's 7 o'clock, yesterday at this time it was 6 o'clock, and our body - deprived of an hour of sleep this morning - says that it's 10 o'clock. Yeah, the math doesn't add up, but that's our whole freaking point.

Hopefully, but not likely, most of our malaise will have passed by Wednesday. If you need us in the interim, we'll be in bed wearing a tear-stained sleep mask.

BONUS: MORE OF THE SAME!

It Burns, Burns, Burns

Or maybe she was just splashed with Holy Water.

Just to be clear, we're not mocking anything about Ash Wednesday or the Catholic faith. If Nancy Pelosi wants to get ash-faced, it's certainly her privilege...and her sacred promise to give up something she loves for the 40 days of Lent will be good environmentally for the Earth, considering how many D-cell batteries she won't go through in that period.

But still, we find her public display of faith to be pretty much the ultimate in hypocrisy. This is a woman who proudly promotes infanticide, is an active obstacle to national security, and is a serial liar. And we're guessing that when she goes to confession, she has so many sins to confess that she has to pay staffers to recite all of the "Hail Marys" that she's racked up each week.

Among those recent sins is Speaker Pelosi's refusal to take a hard line condemning the blatant anti-semitism of new congressmuslim Ilhan Omar, whose anti-Israel rhetoric is actually supported by other blithering idiots on the left like AOC. Pelosi has made efforts to pass a nonbinding House resolution that members should probably pull back on bigoted hate speech, or at least try to curtail the amount of spittle spewing from their mouths while screaming invectives. So far, the other Dems aren't buying it because, hey, hate is fun! And the only source of Democrat power.

Of course, Nancy is far from the only politician to callously wrap herself in a religious facade while leading a life of spectacular immorality and straight-up evil.

But because of Lent, for the next 40 days we're forsaking the comfort we normally take in forgiving others for being scurrilous assholes, so we're calling her out.

BONUS: SPEAKING OF MAKING AN ASH OF YOURSELF...

Father Jolson sometimes got carried away.

FROM THE VAULT: THE SANDERS OF TIME...

Just a reminder that Sunday is Daylight Saving Time day, meaning that at some point in the middle of the night you should set your clock forwards or backwards by an hour - we don't really know which way and don't particularly care, other than to hate it. All we know with certainty is that we're going to have nausea and jet lag for the next two weeks, and it's the government's fault.

Expiration Candidates

If Cory Booker had hair, it should be standing on end about now.

Hillary Clinton has officially declared that she is not running for President in 2020, but says will take an active role by working with the candidates in the crowded Democratic field. In much the same way, we believe, that John McClane took an active role working with the terrorists at Nakatomi Tower.

Mind you, we do believe that Hillary has no intention of "running." This is, after all, a woman who has to pay heavily-muscled men to carry her up and down stairs when not dragging her limp body into a waiting getaway van after a public appearance.

But not for a second do we believe she's given up her all-encompassing obsession with becoming President. Rather, we expect her to maintain an active public profile while all the other Dems batter each other on the stump, after which she'll step out on the blood-soaked battlefield and graciously accept the "draft Hillary" movement which someone with no traceable connection to the Clinton Foundation has thoughtfully and generously funded.

Brain Drained

Don't worry, you're not failing to get the "joke" above because there basically isn't one. We just needed to fill some space today, liked the picture, and added what amounts to a non sequitur of a word balloon.

Oh, we THOUGHT about trying to make it vaguely relevant by calling the critter "Alpaca Ocasio-Cortez" who wants everything to take a hard turn to the left, but once we've called the beast an Alpaca, it screws up the double-l Llama joke. Who knew that comedy was both art and science?

All of which is way too much explanation (and an implied apology) for not having anything more substantive today. The "news" is just stupid and unsubstantial, as is pretty much always the case these days, and leaves us frustrated.

Meanwhile, it sounds like the Dems are going to have a supersized subpoena party, dragging in for questioning everyone Donald Trump has ever interacted with in hopes of building a case for impeachment. To which we say "fie upon them!" And we're not talking about fresh fie, either - but rotten, maggot-infested fie, mixed with sharp bits of gravel and thrown with considerable force.

Meanwhile, President Trump remains unbowed and just gave a two-hour barn burner of a speech which we didn't technically listen to, but in principle we're glad that he's still hugging the American flag and giving the Leftists hell. Which is what they so richly deserve.

Another reason we're not being very productive today (unless you count the phlegm still spraying about the room from our ongoing bronchial cough) is that we just finished doing our taxes, which always leaves us brain dead for several days.

Thanks to Trump's tax reductions (especially the increased standard deduction this year), there was no need for us to itemize every infinitesimal little transaction we made all year. Which, of course, we didn't know for sure until we'd fed every freaking receipt into Turbotax, and gotten a cheery computer message saying "Wow! You could have skipped all of this!"

Interestingly, our total net business income for the year came out to about $1200, yet at the same time, our Medicare payments have tripled because the government believes us to be members of the Evil Rich (based on returns from a couple years ago).

We choose to find this mildly amusing, especially after about three shots of Clan MacGregor. Which, by the way, is not the top choice of Scotch among the Evil Rich.

And with that, we'll shut up and throw the comments section open for YOUR observations about the news, the world, the weekend, or anything else you want to talk about. Someone throw us a lifeline here...!

Congressional Testy Moaning

The question everyone in America should be asking right now.

Politicians and alleged newscasters have been shocked, shocked, by the carefully choreographed Congressional testimony of prison-bound, disbarred, sleazeball former Trump attorney, Michael Cohen.

Disclaimer: we haven't really trained our laser-like focus on said testimony because (and we want to put this as delicately as possible) circle-jerks may be fun for participants but offer very little to outside observers.

To the best of our nearly nonexistent knowledge, Cohen hasn't produced a single substantive charge against Trump, other than to allege that the President is egotistical, sometimes uses bad language, puzzlingly finds porn stars and Playboy playmates attractive (and would rather that his wife not find out), that he's a wheeler-dealer, and that he believes some starving, corrupt, disease-ridden countries are "shitholes."

Of course, Cohen has hinted at much more and much worse. Which could be really problematic if hints from a serial liar carried any legal weight. But they don't. Still, that hasn't prevented pointless exchanges like this during testimony:

Debbie Wasserman-Schultz: Is it possible that (Trump's) whole family is conflicted or compromised with a foreign adversary in the months before an election?
Cohen (reading from script): Yes.

Wow! And is it possible that Debbie Wasserman-Schultz uses still-warm pureed fetuses in the shower to make her hair wavy? Also yes! Isn't "possible" a wonderful word?

The Left gleefully believes that if Donald Trump can be proven guilty of anything - no matter how slight - that by extension he's guilty of everything and can be impeached and removed from office. But they're forgetting that for many of us who voted for Trump, his character flaws have been known from the start and weren't considered disqualifiers for the filthy, stinking job that absolutely needed doing. And which he's doing pretty darn well.

BONUS: WHAT A DEALDO

While the Left was busy trying to sabotage the President of the United States, the President himself was in Vietnam trying to strike a nuclear disarmament deal with North Korea's Kim Jong Un.

It is "possible" (we told you we like that word!) that Kim was aware of the attempted stateside tar-and-feathering of Mr. Trump, and decided that it would give him a leg up at the bargaining table. Which is why, when the vicious little despot announced that he wasn't willing to put anything substantive on the bargaining table, he was probably shocked by Trump's announcement that the summit was over and that he was leaving immediately without even staying for the fancy diplomatic lunch.

Frankly, we think Mr. Trump handled this situation perfectly. There was never any guarantee of a deal, but Trump at least brought Kim to the table and, once the situation became clear, made him look like a petulant little jackass.

Compare this to the years of ineffectual ass-kissing we saw from Barack Obama (with North Korea and especially Iran), and we're definitely putting this one into the "win" category for the President.