Slay Your Prayers

Nancy Pelosi has announced that she is both heartbroken and prayerful about her decision to aggressively move forward with impeachment, a serious process which, we're fairly certain, requires the House Speaker to fellate Satan. Which probably won't be a party for either of them.

If you think that analysis lacks subtlety, all we can say is: "get used to it." This is going to be, by design, a long and stultifying nightmare in which the Deep State uses every dirty trick imaginable to get rid of Donald Trump. And frankly, Stilton's Place is not anxious to spend the coming weeks and months wading through this fetid quagmire and calling out all the lies (and trust us, their name will be Legion).

All we can say for now is that we hope the Trump administration will fight back, and fight back hard. Like, Armageddon hard. Because this is now as pure a clash between good and evil as we're likely to see in our lifetimes. And, if we lose, the last such clash to ever be seen in this nation.

FROM THE VAULT: EASTERN DOUBLE STANDARD TIME

(Originally published June 14, 2019)

Schiff Faced

There's a lot more truth in the attached cartoon than there was in the entirety of Democrat Adam Schiff's televised inquisition yesterday of Acting Director of National Intelligence, Joseph Maguire.

So eager was Schiff to give some momentum to the "impeach Trump" movement, he made an opening statement which was wall to wall lies of the most extreme type. And this while knowing full well the actual contents of President Trump's phone call to Ukraine's President (after Trump released an unredacted transcript) and the less-than-impressive "whistleblower's" complaint.

Here is the relevant portion of Schiff's opening statement. We will mark the utter, outright, and unforgivable lies - soon to be re-broadcast over and over on every mainstream news outlet - in red:

"The President’s response — well, it reads like a classic organized crime shake down. In essence, what the President Trump communicates is this: We’ve been very good to your country. Very good. No other country has done as much as we have. But you know what, I don’t see much reciprocity here. You know what I mean? I hear what you want. I have a favor I want from you though. And I’m going to say this only seven times, so you better listen good. I want you to make up dirt on my political opponent, understand? Lots of dirt, on this and on that. I’m going to put you in touch with people, and not just any people. I’m going to put you in touch with the Attorney General of the United States — my Attorney General, Bill Barr — he’s got the whole weight of American law enforcement behind him. And I’m going to put you in touch with Rudy, you’re going to love him. Trust me. You know what I’m asking, so I’m only going to say this a few more times, in a few more ways. And don’t call me again. I’ll call you when you’ve done what I asked."

Schiff had to make this garbage up and lie about it because the actual transcript contained nothing like this and suggested no wrongdoing whatsoever.

So outrageous were Schiff's lies that when others called him out on it, he reluctantly conceded that his paraphrasing of Trump's phone call might be considered "something of a parody." A PARODY?! In the prosecution's opening statement looking into only the fourth impeachment in our nation's history?! No, Adam, you weren't trying to make a joke...you were trying to get away with murder, albeit of the political kind.

In complete honesty, the recent impeachment-crazy news cycle has hit the Jarlsberg household hard and is causing us to do some serious thinking about our self-defense rights under the 2nd Amendment. That's not a road we enjoy going down.

The Left is throwing out any semblance of honesty or Constitutional process and has essentially declared war on Trump, his supporters, our economy, and our system of elections. We believe that the Trump administration needs to respond in kind- albeit legally, responsibly, quickly, and with unrelenting strength.

We have already seen one high-level coup attempt on this Presidency go unpunished. It must not happen a second time.

Call Waiting

With all of the hot air currently circulating in Washington, it's a wonder that little Greta "How Dare You!" Thunberg isn't calling for a mass extinction of politicians before the icecaps melt.

There is feverish talk among Democrats of impeaching the President for the heinous and totally unacceptable sin of making a phone call to Ukraine's leader which they don't really know the contents of, but they're pretty sure must be treasonous because an anonymous whistleblower who hasn't heard the actual call says so. Plus, and this can't be overstated, Orange Man bad.

It is believed that during the phone call, Donald Trump asked the Ukrainians to look into allegations that Vice President Biden, while in office, improperly used governmental power and funds to force Ukraine to end a corruption investigation of the company that employed (by which we mean "stuffed his well-connected pockets with money") Biden's drug-using, widowed sister-in-law-banging son, Hunter.

By the way, these "allegations" were raised by Joe Biden himself, who actually bragged about his wrongdoing on camera. Because he is an idiot.

In any event, the Democrats want to impeach Trump for investigating Biden's self-admitted corruption, and they're hanging their hopes on the mysterious phone call reported by a "whistleblower." And they've been making a lot of theater out of the fact that the call's contents were "secret."

However Trump, being Trump, is releasing an unredacted transcript of the call in question today just to clear the air and, more importantly, screw with everyone's minds.

Where all of this will end up, we have no idea - but it's not unlikely that when the smoke clears, Trump will still be standing, Joe Biden will be forced out of the Presidential race, and Greta Thunberg will be blissfully forgotten.

LEFTOVERS...

Sometimes we have more than one possible way to go with a picture. Here's the one that came in second today...

"Wasn't he the boss on the Mary Tyler Moore Show?"

Climate Changelings

Last week, millions of teens took to the streets to protest climate change and demand, demand!, that God turn down the thermostat on the sun by a couple of degrees.

Just kidding! They actually want to ban plastic straws, hamburgers, fossil fuels, internal combustion engines, capitalism, and personal freedoms. This is because, according to 100% of scientists (Snopes verified it), man-caused global warming is causing rainforests and aboriginal people to burst into spontaneous flames, Miami to be submerged faster than Shelley Winters in "The Poseidon Adventure," and all life on Earth to be stone dead within 10 years. Well, except for cockroaches and Keith Richards.

The kids believe this because it's what they've been taught - in schools, on television, and on social media. And when we say "taught," we mean force fed like brainless captive geese who'll soon be donating their livers to paté.

With eons of climate cycles in the world's past, we're more than a little skeptical of the whole "man-caused climate change" narrative. But just to be on the safe side, we're addressing the issue with some 100% Earth-friendly recycled cartoons today.

Also, we're going to wrap our feet in plastic bags from the grocery store so that we won't leave carbon footprints.

Kids, by all means try this at home!

True D'OH!!!

He's also rumored to have bragged about grabbing beavers.

We actually couldn't give a flying fart in a cyclone about Canadian Prime Minister (and ultra-liberal) Justin Trudeau having worn "brown face" at an "Arabian Nights" costume party 18 years ago.

What's more interesting to consider is the way today's "woke" media is handling this non-event. CNN and CNBC flat out declare a snapshot of Trudeau in costume to be a "racist photo." The Washington Post and others are saying that Trudeau "must be dumped" from high office. And even Elizabeth Warren isn't buying Trudeau's claim to be 1/1024th Arabic.

But does an old photo in and of itself really make someone a full-blown and unforgivable "racist?" And is there really no gradation between being accidentally offensive once upon a time, and being an actual cross-burning, lynching, active bigot?

When even minor infractions are deemed to be ultimate and unforgivable, the Left de-incentivizes people to change their attitudes about racial issues or "evolve." But then, that's not really even what the Left wants. Rather, they want to use their indignation as a cudgel to bring down anyone whose ideology doesn't pass their new "racial purity" test.

BONUS: YOU'LL ROO THE DAY

Just for fun, and in the interest of filling additional space, let's enjoy a Friday edition of...

The Retractions Are Coming Five Minutes Apart

Well, there's egg on our face today, and we've got the journalistic integrity to admit it. We had a whole "Stilton's Place" ready to go which was poking fun at the New York Times for running a seemingly bogus story about a new (albeit not new at all) allegation of sexual misconduct against Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh.

A story which became so widely repeated that virtually every Democrat and news outlet started screaming once again for Justice Kavanaugh's immediate impeachment or, perhaps, burning at the stake.

Our skepticism about the story was related, in part, to the fact that the "sexual assault" described by the NY Times (and not remembered by the alleged "victim") did not sound like anything that was even humanly possible.

But then this morning, the NY Times printed an addition to the story that makes it all too plausible:

Reaction to the update on the story was swift and dramatic, with Democrat presidential candidate Beto O'Rourke declaring, "Hell yes, I'll take his huge dick," ironically leaving fellow candidates Kamala Harris and Pete Buttigieg with nothing to say on the subject.

In the interest of providing a quick and thorough investigation of the NY Times' latest allegations, Justice Kavanaugh has agreed to be questioned by representatives from the Guinness Book of World Records.

FROM THE VAULT: DRIVEN A FRAUD LATELY?

Party Mouths

Biden's homage to "The King's Speech"

Democrats in general aren't very happy that, in the most recent debate, candidate Beto "The Mean Kids at School Called Me Francis the Talking Mule" O'Rourke had an unexpected moment of truthfulness and bellowed out, "Hell yes, we're gonna take away your AR-15!"

While this kind of candor might not make for smart politics, we frankly found it refreshing and wish that more Democrats would open every pronouncement with "Hell, yes!" before saying exactly what they really mean.

"Hell yes, we're going to seize the means of production!"
"Hell yes, we're going to keep killing babies!"
"Hell yes, we're against the Bill of Rights!"
"Hell yes, we're going to punish white people!"
"Hell yes, we're going to destroy the middle class!"
"Hell yes, we're coming for your retirement savings!"
"Hell yes, we're trying to flood the country with illegals!"
"Hell yes, we want to encourage voter fraud!"
"Hell yes, we're an incestuous bunch of clueless, sociopathic idiots!"

Okay, they're unlikely to ever admit that last one, but it's pretty much implied.

BONUS: HE'LL CURSE THAT BRIDGE WHEN HE GETS TO IT

Of no great importance but considerable amusement value, it's worth noting that one of the odder moments in Joe "I'm Not Going Crazy" Biden's debate performance occurred when it appeared that his dentures (if they are dentures) had come loose.

While listening to a question, Biden can be seen trying to rearrange things inside his closed mouth using his tongue, puffing out his cheek, and making "nom, nom, nom" chewing motions - before finally opening his mouth to reveal gleaming choppers displayed so aggressively that they'd even give Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez's dentist nightmares.

Then again, maybe Uncle Joe had just finished a tasty piece of saltwater taffy and was caught off guard while he was trying to choke down the wax paper.

LATE BREAKING BONUS: CEREAL KILLERS

Here's Joe telling the story in 2017. Presumably, he's two years less lucid now...

Friday the 13th

Today is Friday the 13th, and we knew our bad luck had started this morning as soon as we heard the heartbreaking news that a flaming asteroid hadn't smacked into last night's Democrat debate. Meaning all ten candidates were able to further expound on their plans to kill the economy, our freedoms and, of course, lots and lots of babies.We haven't completely caught up on their latest round of claptrap yet, but we have been reading the specifics of what Elizabeth Warren (whose popularity is skyrocketing in the prestigious Totem Poll) has in mind if elected - and it's way worse than anything Jason Voorhees could do with a machete.

President Liz (presumably in full feathered headdress) would introduce a concept she calls "accountable capitalism," which the Wall Street Journal succinctly summarizes as a plan which is "an assault on retiree wealth" which would "destroy savings built over a lifetime and sink the economy."

Think they're exaggerating? Warren wants every business in America worth $1 billion or more to be compelled to become a "federal corporation" in which 2/5 of the directors must be elected by the workers. And rather than primarily serving stockholders, these "federal" corporations would be ordered to serve "the workforce, the community, customers, the local and global environment, and contribute to the betterment of community and societal factors."

In other words, every large company in America will go belly up, taking retirement investments with them.

All considered, we'd prefer to have the maniac with the hockey mask running our economic policies rather than any of the ten Marxist candidates who are currently giving us goosebumps.

UPDATE

We watched quite a bit of the debate (well, all we could stand), and it was even more disturbing than we expected it to be. So much anger and hatred. So many lies. So much loathing of our country and disparagement of large portions of our citizenry.

Not to overstate the case, but if any of these candidates wins the presidency we can kiss the American experiment goodbye.

FROM THE VAULT: TIMING IS EVERYTHING

9/11 - Eighteen Years

Our feelings on this sad anniversary are too mixed and too powerful for us to put into words. For many (but apparently not enough) of us, 9/11 was a life-changing and world-changing event.

We felt that nothing would be the same afterwards...and for us, that has remained absolutely true. The sights of that day are embedded in our psyche. The shock, despair, grief, and anger are now part of our DNA.

For other people, the effects haven't been as profound or prolonged. Whether it's a Muslim congresswoman shrugging off the horror by saying "some people did something," or college students who (when interviewed) can't even identify what month or day 9/11 occurred, the importance and impact of this event is hardly a universal constant anymore. That's sad and frightening.

But we don't have it in us to litigate the point today. We have our own thoughts and feelings, but believe that today is more about personal reflection than editorializing. We all have another 364 days a year to make our feelings and beliefs known...and we should use every one of them.

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For a retrospective of our 9/11 cartoons and commentaries from the past, just click this link.

Interpretive Dunce

Sure, we've been seeing and hearing from a lot of Democrats who want to become chief of state, leader of the free world, and twitchy-fingered commander of our nuclear arsenal...but do we really know any of them - deep down in whatever passes for a Progressive's soul?

To that end, we present a poem written by former flavor-of-the-month Beto O'Rourke who, at the time (1988), was using the pen name Psychedelic Warlord so his intellectual musings would be taken seriously. No, really.

In the service of art, and to more accurately portray what goes on in the self-obsessed psyche of a Liberal intellect, we have not changed a single word.

Nor have we changed our mind about which party we'll enthusiastically be voting against in November.

Red Eye Or Not

Terror swept through a CNN town hall broadcast on Wednesday when Joe Biden's left eyeball suddenly turned bright red as he spoke, then started spraying blood uncontrollably onto other Democrat candidates, CNN moderators and crew, and a retching, stampeding studio audience.

At least, that's how we imagine it went down. All we know for sure is that his eyeball filled with  blood, which really isn't a good look if you're not actively engaged in a Satanic rite.

The injury, thought to be a condition called a "subconjuctival hemorrhage" may or may not be a form of sexually transmitted disease. All we really have to go on is that "subconjuctival" sounds a lot like "conjugal," which is a term for any prison sex which does not involve dropped soap.

Biden himself tried to score points with evangelicals by suggesting that his injury might be a "stigmata." When told that the wounds of stigmata traditionally appear only in the bodily areas directly affected by the Crucifixion, Biden speculated that "maybe Jesus had pink eye as a kid or something."

According to doctors, this kind of spontaneous bleeding can be caused by things as simple as coughing, sneezing, eye rubbing, or "straining." Which is great if America really wants a president who'll need a transfusion every time he pushes out an oversized deuce.

FROM THE VAULT: REID MY EYELIDS

Because eye injury jokes never get old.

BURNING SENSATIONALISM

The event at which Biden's eyeball had its "monthly visitor" was CNN's 7-hour marathon Climate Change Town Hall broadcast, at which Democrat presidential wannabees were all given time to say how utterly screwed we are. Many of the candidates believed that Earth has so little time left that the planet wouldn't even make it to the end of the broadcast. Spoiler alert: it did, but we're guessing most viewers didn't - perhaps owing to spontaneous eye bleeding of their own.

Happily, our own peepers remain intact because we'd need to be facing something a lot worse than the end of the world to put up with seven hours of CNN. But we've been unable to completely avoid some of the nonsense spouted by the Dems onstage.

Bernie Sanders helpfully suggested that the effects of climate change could be mitigated with more birth control and abortions worldwide, presumably because the butchers at Planned Parenthood use a lot of fossil fuels if they're not kept busy. Julian Castro demanded "environmental justice," whatever the hell that is, with nature receiving Miranda rights and a publicly appointed lawyer when necessary.

Elizabeth Warren shocked nobody by suggesting the key to responsible environmentalism in the age of climate change is to approve no infrastructure projects in the United States which might impact the tribal lands of native Americans. Say, by putting an oil pipeline through the middle of a casino.

Pete Buttigieg informed the dozen or so viewers that fighting climate change will be "more challenging" than winning World War II.  Which is probably true, considering WWII was fought by The Greatest Generation, and all our country can currently conscript is Nazis or pussies.

Kamala Harris suggested that the most practical and pragmatic way to address global climate change is to beat the stew out of it with $10 trillion in taxpayer dollars. Cory Booker, on the other hand, thinks the world can be saved if the government builds enough recharging stations for electric cars - ignoring the fact that the carbon footprint for electric cars (and the need to actually generate electricity for them) is worse than that of internal combustion vehicles.

As always, no evidence was given for anthropogenic (man-caused) climate change, meaning that the entire seven hour event was essentially an exercise in liberal fantasy and self-gratification. At this rate, we don't know if the world will burn...but we suspect a good portion of it will go blind.

Fountain of Goof

Despite Joe Biden's seeming inability to keep track of where mass shootings have actually happened, he has come up with a plan to finally end this "absolutely mindless" national scourge: by eliminating gun magazines that "hold multiple bullets in them." Which would be, oh, all of them.

Housing multiple bullets is the point of gun magazines, Joe, and a pretty darn useful feature for those who don't want to stop and reload after every shot when being pursued by an ax-wielding maniac, rabid bear, undocumented immigrant with a machete, or a "justice involved person" who wants to show you his penal system.

But if Uncle Joe is hellbent to make sure that a gun can fire ONLY one bullet without reloading, we suspect he will soon be insisting on a program which requires gun owners to swap their current firearms for muzzle loaders and blunderbusses. Both of which, Joe Biden will claim, worked great when he was a young man in the wild west, guarding wagon trains from thieves, scoundrels, and Elizabeth Warren's great-grandparents.

BONUS: HORSEFLIES

With so much dismal news in the world, we enjoyed seeing a much lighter story get some traction this week. Specifically, the case of Abrea Hensley bringing her miniature service horse with her on an American Airlines flight from Chicago to Omaha.

Truthfully, we think it's kind of sweet and we see nothing wrong with it, as long as the horse is properly trained and approved for service duty as was the case here. Interestingly, the miniature horses can do much of what a service dog can do...but they live about 3 times longer, which is a real boon for the owner.

Mind you, we don't want too many service and support animals on a flight, because it would start feeling uncomfortably like Noah's ark. Plus, in an emergency which required rapid disembarkation on the ground, we don't really want the flames to be licking our ass while in line for the exit door behind a slow moving Galapagos tortoise.

Hensley has received both support and criticism from those on social media, but we're siding with the supporters on this one. For one thing, we take crippling social anxiety pretty seriously, and applaud any reasonable means that can help people get back out in the world to live their lives. Also importantly, flying generally sucks anyway and it would be kind of fun to have an adorable little horse on board. Heck, put a spider monkey dressed as a cowboy on its back and we'd be willing to pay extra for our airline tickets!

We also think this story is largely much ado about nothing when you consider the fact that politicians fly private jets in and out of Washington every day, and every flight has at least one horse's ass on board.

Labor Day 2019

Today we observe Labor Day, a celebration of the unions which gave new freedoms, wealth, and dignity to peons who previously suffered under the cruel oppression of capitalist bastards. Nowhere is this more the case than in the editorial cartooning industry, which has come so far in the past century.

Once considered a "job that Americans won't do," 100 years ago editorial cartoons were farmed out to Irish immigrants and Chinese coolies who were functionally little more than slaves, working at crude drawing tables in return for a weekly ration of potato peels or fish heads.

Later, when the Irish turned to police work and the Chinese turned to ruining SAT scores for everyone else, the greedy editorial cartoon barons put women and children (as young as four years old) into forced servitude, penning cartoons in dingy, airless factories. Their work shifts were 24 hours long, every day except Sunday - when they got 15 minutes off to pee and whimper.

Some died of ink poisoning, others died violently in the process of collecting the ink by milking octopuses, while many simply lost the will to live after being forced to look at grim news items every day.

But then the unions entered the scene and changed everything. The sweatshops were closed, women went back to prostitution, and children were again free to be beggars and pickpockets. But actual editorial cartoonists, now holding the reins of collective bargaining, became the masters of their own fate.

Today, editorial cartoonists are among the most highly paid and respected professionals in our nation, loved by all, desired by beautiful women, and universally sought after for their wit, intelligence, and dashing good looks.

Not to mention their vivid imaginations...

FROM THE VAULT

AND IN ALL SERIOUSNESS...

We just wanted to do a light blog entry for today, but we would be remiss if we didn't mention a couple of big stories.

At the time of this writing, hurricane Dorian is bearing down on the Bahamas and Florida and is up to Cat 5 strength. The potential for massive damage and loss of life is huge and unstoppable. Our thoughts are with all of those in harm's way, and we hope that Dorian will change its course and spare as many people as possible.

The other story involves two mass shootings on Saturday, one in Texas and one in Alabama. As of Sunday morning, we know very little about the Texas incident other than that an idiot started shooting at officers who were attempting to make a traffic stop, and this kicked off a long chase in which the suspect fired at people randomly. Seven people were killed (including the shooter, which is no loss at all) and another nineteen have been hospitalized with injuries. Meanwhile in Alabama, a 17 year old opened fire on people after a high school football game (perhaps targeting - poorly - someone with whom he had a grievance), wounding nine people. There are no fatalities so far.

Knowing so few details in either case, we have nothing to say just now other than that we grieve for all those affected by this madness, and we again salute the selfless courage of the law enforcement officers who brought an end to the carnage.