Who's Laughing Annoyingly Now?

Sadly, their new slogan "Two C**ts At Once!" didn't test well.

"Joe Biden" has officially stepped down, though we'd be very surprised indeed to learn that the real Joe Biden knows anything about it yet. In fact, if they surround him with ice cream and teleprompters, he'll probably continue to believe he's president for the next four years even if he's strapped to his bed at Happy Acres Senior Center.

"Joe" has endorsed Kamala Harris, as have other top democrats who won't mind seeing Trump forever erase her from the national stage. Mind you, that doesn't officially make her the candidate yet, but since she's the only one who can keep the Biden/Harris campaign money and, importantly,  is Black (Jamaican), Asian, and alleged owner of a vagina (Willie Brown can only verify that she has gums), it's impossible for the Dems to replace her without admitting that she's a twit, Joe's a vegetable, and who the hell was really running the country into the ground for the last four years?

Kamala's VP pick isn't yet known, but if it's Hunter Biden, millions of dollars of signs won't need to be reprinted. Still, I'm betting heavily in favor of Secret Service Director Kim Cheatle. Who, coincidentally, may be available to take on a new job as soon as today! She has a brilliant job history of making DEI hires, economizing on protection details, and is wildly popular among Democrats for being the woman who has come closest to taking Trump out of the race. The electoral race and the human race - take your pick.

Kamala Harris could pass some of her responsibilities to Cheatle very easily. For instance, Kamala has been in charge of securing our border and Cheatle has almost exactly the same ability (and same success record) in security. Bonus - rather than building expensive walls at the border, she can authorize a long line of gently sloped roofs to repel invaders. Kamala has also spent these last years being America's AI Security Czar, but I highly doubt that she or anyone else remembers that.

As of this writing, there is no update on what Jumbled Joe Biden himself plans to do when his term runs out - assuming he hasn't first destroyed the world by drooling on the nuclear "football" with the launch codes. There is some speculation that Biden will concentrate mostly on wandering aimlessly (Dr. Jill will be less inclined to call him back), sniffing children real or imagined, and assisting with the plans for the soon-to-be-built Biden Presidential Bribery Library. It may be a national embarrassment, but at least it's fun to say!

If I had a real work ethic, I'd be selling these

FROM THE VAULT

In Kamala's Venn diagram, what Slick Willy and Willie Brown have in common is a willy.

Cameltoe Hairless?

Although not officially confirmed at the time of this writing, it sounds like Joe "I Beat Medicare" Biden is going to announce that he is stepping down from presidential candidacy, perhaps in the next day or two (if it hasn't happened already when you read this).

Subtle hints that this might happen were picked up by the same Sherlockian sleuths who miraculously deduced that Jeffrey Epstein would be on the receiving end of a faked hanging in a maximum security prison. Which is like a regular prison, only with gently sloping roofs so that criminals dare not climb them to attempt escapes. 

In this case, those paying very, very careful attention noted Biden's complete inability to express cohesive thoughts, his halting, zombie-like gait, his fascination with looking at air molecules, and the fact that Pelosi, Schiff, Obama, and the Clintons have recently been seen wearing togas and carrying knives.

On Wednesday, "Biden" tweeted that he would only consider stepping down in the event of a medical necessity.

On Thursday, "Biden" tweeted the two-word message "I'm sick."

So today, or soon, expect "Biden" to tweet "Last night I passed away in my sleep."

And wow, THIS two-year-old post certainly seems relevant again...

FROM THE VAULT - July 22, 2022  

Will you ever forget where you were and what you were doing the moment you found out that Joe Biden, alleged president of the United States, has Covid? Because I've already forgotten, no doubt because I filed the information in the ever-expanding drawer in my brain that's labeled "Who Gives A Crap."

Although that's not quite accurate with Kamala Harris lurking in the wings, only a heartbeat away from being the most idiotic dunce to ever hold high office. And in making that assessment, I'm including a lot of inbred royals over the centuries whose major accomplishments were developing hemophilia, growing webbed fingers and toes, having single-digit IQs and a thousand-yard stare, and farting in the bathtub and snapping at the bubbles while slapping their hands together and barking like a seal.

But by some madness, we may be only days away from Kamala Harris becoming President of the United States. Which raises the terrifying question of who she would choose as the new Vice President? After all, the Vice President's most important job is to make the actual President look less like a moron by comparison, and Kamala Harris was already on a list of only one who could fulfill that role for Joe "Where Am I?" Biden. So who or what could make Harris look good by comparison?

According to our inside sources, this is the short list of candidates being urgently vetted by Democrats...

And so the nation holds its breath, waiting to see if Joe Biden will recover. Although doctors assure us that there's very little chance of Mr. Biden developing "long" Covid, as he can't possibly be long for this world whatever happens.

Trigger Warning

Thank God, Trump is still alive. Sadly, a former fire chief who shielded his family with his own body is not. Nor is the rooftop shooter, who an eyewitness descriptively said had "his head blown off." The killer was identified by his DNA. And further investigation will find a lot of fingerprints on that trigger.

And we already know who those fingerprints belong to - political figures and a mass media that have been tireless in painting Trump as a monster, a dictator, a racist, and a literal, apocalypse-bringing Hitler who needed to be "eliminated" at all costs. When implication wasn't enough of a call to action, many of these people called outright for Trump's assassination. Which is about the only "free speech" the Left really approves of.

Did the shooter believe himself to be a martyred hero who would rid the world of Hitler 2.0? And if he believed that's who Trump is, then every person who fed the lie had a finger on the trigger.

This most certainly includes Joe Biden and those around him. The ladies of The View. Adam Schiff. Joy Reid. Rachel Maddow. Hell, everyone on MSNBC. And hundreds if not thousands more. There was a tacit understanding that for a dementia-ridden Biden to win, Trump had to die. And so the Left's hyperbolic scare-rhetoric was consciously created and constantly repeated in order to find a shooter.

Yet somehow, this screamingly obvious situation was not taken seriously by Kimberly Cheatle, the director of the Secret Service (formerly the security chief for Pepsico, tasked with keeping Cheetos executives safe) who repeatedly denied requests from Trump's protective detail asking for more personnel and support as they were undermanned for the job.  It would be wrong to assert that Cheatle wanted Trump to be assassinated, but it would be ludicrous to suggest she wasn't amenable to the idea.

Although he hesitated to call the shooting an "assassination attempt," Biden has subsequently called for a full and robust investigation to be conducted by all of the alphabet agencies who have previously betrayed Trump, repeatedly lied their asses off to the American people, and participated in the coup to remove him from power in 2020.

At the time of this writing, new details keep coming in - many of them highly disturbing. There is a lot of information still needed for us to really process the gravity of this moment and the influence of the forces that inevitably brought it about - and to inform the actions we should take to insure that those accountable face justice.

Flight Risk

The nation was recently shocked by Joe Biden's debate performance and the realization that his empty head and gaping maw are likely not useful for anything other than becoming a Section 8 beehive. However, it now seems that we have again been fooled by our lyin' eyes and that there was a perfectly valid reason for Joe's performance. In fact, we're now hearing lots of reasons from very authoritative sources!

We can start with the assertion that Biden was suffering from a cold that evening. Granted, colds don't usually turn people into zombies with glazed eyes, but Dr. Anthony "Mass Murdering Sonofabitch" Fauci declared that Biden was probably just high on cough medicine. Especially if he found it in Hunter's medicine cabinet.

Many Biden staffers are attributing the Hindenburg-sized debate disaster to jet lag, which is well known to turn healthy people into shambling, clueless mental patients. This theory is bolstered by the fact that Biden had recently flown overseas to be embarrassing in front of the G7 folks, and only had a fleeting 12 days to recover.

Biden himself claims his problem was a lack of sleep and jokes that "I almost fell asleep up there." Yeah, Joe - you just looked sleepy. But to avoid such difficulties in the future, Biden has announced that he will no longer stay up after 8 o'clock. Unless a really good episode of "Matlock" is on TV.

Personally, I think Joe was simply being clever about alternately mumbling or letting his mouth hang open like the door of a cuckoo clock so that the people who put those wonderful "Bad Lip Reading" videos on Youtube wouldn't have anything to work with. 

But whichever explanation proves to be right, we can all be absolutely sure that Joe Biden is still just as mentally fit as he was the day he was sworn in. God help us.

THAT HAS A FAMILIAR RING TO IT...

I continue to experiment with AI, songwriting, and video in order to keep my brain supple and free from age-related jet lag.

For a couple of decades, I had a cute hook for a country song bouncing around in my head and I finally wrote it up, used AI to generate the music (and a semi-realistic looking singer), and was pretty happy with the final product. Although a bit of that feeling faded when my brother pointed out that country legend George Jones had recorded a hit with the same bit of wordplay eons ago. Oops.

But the song is still a fun one (especially compared to the George Jones version) and I hope you'll enjoy it!

Biden's Path To Victory

Joe Biden's political future is still open, much like his gaping mouth and the zipper on his pants.  But Democrats still think that it's critical that he beat Donald Trump in November, due in no small part to the Supreme Court's decision that it's perfectly okay for presidents to do absolutely anything. A situation which would almost certainly make Trump into a modern, blood-drinking, all-powerful orange Caligula.

The Supreme Court decision did not, of course, do anything remotely like that. Only idiots would think otherwise. But the Venn diagram showing "idiots" and "liberals" overlaps so much that it looks like a single circle.

Based on the Court's decision, The Huffpost has declared that Biden can now legally murder Trump, others have suggested that Joe Biden use his presidential power to fire cruise missiles into the conservative Supreme Court, and "wise Latina" Justice Sonia Sotomayor has declared that the ruling means that a president is now a "king above the law." A chilling warning that reminds us that we really shouldn't give lifetime appointments to nitwits.

With so much hysteria in the air, many Democrats are reasserting their intent to vote for Biden even if he's legally shown to have the mobility of a barnacle and the mental capacity of a sponge cake. But to accomplish this, it's critical that the public now see as little of Joe as possible to prevent further damage. A point made ever so clearly by this recently released video from the Democrat National Committee...

Ups and Downs

You've got to give it to Joe Biden - when he falls down he gets right back up and explains to the officer who tackled him that he was only checking the little girl for head lice. And isn't that the kind of fighting spirit we need right now?

Apparently, there are still people who think so.  Joe is already back on the campaign trail, alternately shouting and whispering whatever is on his teleprompters. Among the claims he's making is that his debate performance actually won over more independent voters than Trump got. And oddly enough, it's true.

Or at least, true-ish. Newsweek, which we didn't know existed anymore, trumpeted the headline "Undecided Voters Say They Now Support Joe Biden After Debate" and it's being tweeted by the Biden-Harris team. But Not The Bee, the funny, truth-telling partner website of The Babylon Bee pulled back the curtain on the story. Newsweek was citing a single poll of just 12 (count 'em!) undecided voters who were not native English speakers. No, really. They couldn't understand anything either candidate said during the debate so just read subtitles in Spanish, and God only knows what was being written there:

Trump: I'll execute all the Hispanic men and rape their wives and daughters.
Biden: I'll give them each a million dollars and make siesta time longer.

At the time of this writing, Joe Biden is sequestered at Camp David with Dr. Jill, discussing with advisors whether he should stay in the race or be released on a nice farm where he can wander to his heart's content and frolic and be happy. 

Or at least, that's the story the party bosses will tell the kids...

No Mo "Fo Mo" Fo Joe

The first, and quite possibly only, presidential debate for 2024 is over and there was an indisputable winner: the Democrats.

Not because Old Joe did well, because he certainly didn't. The man basically sh*t the bed on live TV. He lacked energy, had a weak and hoarse voice, and mumbled, stammered, and mangled words and ideas, all while staring blankly into space. Trump, on the other hand, radiated vitality and confidence and showed a surprising amount of control and restraint. Well, for Trump.

So brutal was the difference between candidates that even the panel of talking heads on CNN couldn't put a positive spin on it and instead unanimously agreed that Joe has to be dropped from the top of the ticket. Which was, of course, the plan all along and is why this was a huge victory for the Democrat machine.

It's been clear that Joe was refusing to step down on his own and equally clear that he was likely to be demolished in the general election. And so the Powers That Be decided to put Joe onstage to be publicly humiliated so that he can be replaced with a new candidate who might stand a chance against Trump.

Personally, I wish this wasn't the case. Joe would have been relatively easy to beat absent massive fraud. Now the door is open for an Obama-like candidate to magically appear with hazy credentials (that won't be scrutinized by the press) and meaningless slogans ("In the fierce urgency of now, WE are who we've been waiting for") that will be swooned over by the media and the dimwitted woke. 

Or maybe a hoary (in every sense) old warhorse like Hillary will suddenly be anointed. Either way, despite his impressive debate performance, it looks like the race just got significantly harder for Trump.

All The Whirled's Onstage

With only a few days to go before the much-anticipated Trump/Biden debate, Team Biden has leaked that Old Joe is going to show up with a few surprises, including a surprise about his physical performance. Which is the nice way of saying he'll be filled to the eyeballs with amphetamines and street meth. Still, one can't help but be impressed with his performance in this new campaign ad...
(Note: videos may take a few seconds to load after you click on them)

Seems legit. Unlike this detestable "cheap fake" video that someone (not me, God knows) made to mock Biden for his reflexive, despicably racist statement "if you have a problem figuring out if you're for me or Trump, then you ain't Black." Nice stereotyping and use of a patronizing "ain't," Joe. Although considering that Trump is making historic inroads with Black voters, I suppose this video could be a real Biden ad...

The Boxed-Up Rebellion

Maybe next year old friends...

Today, Friday June 14th, is Flag Day. Which would normally see stately Jarlsberg Manor adorned with multiple American flags, a proud display of the stars and stripes.

But not this year. That flag has long represented the ideals upon which our nation was founded, but current realities make that no longer true.

We're currently seeing the jailing of political prisoners, targeting everyone from a former President to grandmothers who tarried too long while "parading" on Capitol grounds on January 6th. Conservative political consultant Steve Bannon is heading to prison for (entirely appropriate) contempt of Congress. But Democrat Attorney General Merrick Garland has also been found to be in contempt of Congress and suffers no threat of imprisonment or even chastisement. The United States, once a beacon of hope for the oppressed, has become the oppressor - silencing and punishing its citizens for dissent.

Corruption, blatant and wholesale, runs rampant through the layers of government, the judiciary, and the alphabet agencies, undermining our principles of justice, fairness, and accountability. The institutions tasked with protecting our country now erode it from within. And you'll find an American flag atop every official building.

Meanwhile, the media's portrayal of our nation has skewed reality, encouraging divisiveness and perpetuating lies. A current Washington Post editorial makes the point that the Left should seize symbolic ownership of the flag from Trump and his malign MAGA misfits. But the Left wants only to steal a politically useful symbol rather than to rededicate themselves to the Constitutional principles that flag once stood for. It's not the cloth that they should be fighting over, but rather the virtues that formed the fabric of our nation.

To fly a flag that, in practice, currently represents these betrayals is something I can't bring myself to do today. I withhold my allegiance, not out of disdain for what the flag should represent, but to preserve that flag for a future worth symbolizing. Hopefully as soon as November.

LIBERTY BELL

Just so you don't think that I'm only posting today to suck all the joy out of life,  here's another homemade musical tidbit (sorry if you're sick of these) with a bit of a story to it.

Using AI, I made a pretty credible country song and opined to some folks that a person could turn out a respectable album in a very short time and attribute the songs to an AI generated artist. And to make my point, I made an album cover for shining new country star (and patriotic pin-up) Cassidy Bell. The album title was the name of her alleged hit song "Who Cares If It's Real?" - a bit of meta humor about the fact that none of it was real. 

But then I got curious about that song title. What would her hit sound like? And so I whipped up some lyrics, used AI for the vocal and illustration, then edited together a music video to go with it. If Cassidy Bell goes viral, mum's the word, okay?

Turn on closed captions for lyrics

My Felon Americans

Having a grim time - wish we weren't here!

And now it's on. Donald Trump, the only real threat to the Deep State, is facing 136 years in prison after having been convicted on all counts for allegedly committing a handful of misdemeanors that had already expired under the statute of limitations. The only testimony linking Trump to the misdemeanors came from a known and repeat perjurer-under-oath who, by the way, embezzled $30,000 from Trump while an employee.

But the system worked. Because "the system" is now about power rather than law. And the Left is determined to stop Donald Trump by any means. And when I say "any" I specifically mean killing him if necessary. How else would you explain Democrat efforts to pull his Secret Service protection detail? Is the thought that he'd be perfectly safe in a nice, cozy jail cell like Jeffrey Epstein was?

Personally, I'd love to see Trump open every speech from now until inauguration day with the words "My felon Americans..." Because all conservatives - hell, all those who are even rational - are now considered thought-criminals to be dealt with outside the restraints of traditional laws and Constitutional rights. And by cheekily starting each speech with "My felon Americans" Trump simultaneously mocks the Left, unites the Right, and reminds us that we're all at risk now. Not just a risk of losing a job or being targeted with an IRS audit, but an actual risk of being disappeared in the night and whisked away to a political prison. Just ask the sightseeing grandmothers who toddled through the Capitol Building on January 6th.

This is not hyperbole. This is now.

Obviously, Trump must win for any of us to even have a chance or for our nation to have a future. And his winning doesn't guarantee anything (ask the President who made the mistake of taking a convertible ride through Dealy Plaza after pissing off the CIA) but it is the essential next step on which all else depends.

My actual feelings about Donald Trump haven't changed much over the years. I still think he's a goofball who nonetheless loves America and does our country great good when allowed to do so. Or to paraphrase actor Dennis Quaid, he may be an asshole but he's our asshole.

The sickening travesty of a trial in New York will forever be the norm if Trump loses in November. We can't let that happen.

THEY CALL ME MISTER SUNSHINE

Between politics, health challenges, and missing my late wife, Kathy, I'm not always the cheeriest sumbitch day to day, but I still make an effort to amuse myself and others. Hence, the cartoon above which illustrates the least-favorite advice I'm sometimes given.

Still, they say that when Life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade.  Currently, Life is giving us George Orwell, so in an attempt to make Orwellian lemonade I've taken a slyly naughty poem of Orwell's and turned it into a Broadway-worthy romantic ballad. The first half of the song is George's (including the punchline!) and the second half is mine. This could be the beginning of a beautiful, and pretty weird, friendship.

Closed captions are available for those who want to read the lyrics and titter in public places. Enjoy!

No Crowd Aloud

Joe Biden has finally agreed to debate Donald Trump after establishing a few rules for the confrontation. Most importantly, there can be no audience at all - just the candidates, the moderator, and the small tech crew that will be operating the Biden animatronic. The lack of audience noise will also make it easier to edit sections of the debate later, patching together words that may make Joe look cognizant.

Another requirement is that the candidates' microphones will be cut off without warning at the end of their allotted speaking period. This is allegedly to keep Trump from interrupting Biden with zesty bon mots like "you're full of shit." But I suspect the actual reason is that it will establish exactly how much time Joe needs to ramble before his microphone is cut off and he (and his handlers) can breathe a sigh of relief. And he can easily fill the time; ask him about inflation and he'll launch into a story about his arch-nemesis Corn Pop. Ask him about America's border crisis and he'll list the many, many places where his son, Beau, was killed in action. Ask him about nuclear war and he'll share the jolly story of the day in the Oval Office that he confused the terms "lunch secrets" and "launch sequence."

While the debate should be a debacle for Ol' Joe, he admittedly fooled us when debating the last time around. Hopped up on God knows what kind of drugs, he presented himself dynamically and "politician clearly" by saying meaningless but seemingly lucid things he'd learned through a training program of treats and electric shocks.

Then again, people have been surprised that the first debate will happen so early in the campaign season - but maybe there's a reason for that. Biden's staffers may be planning to send him onto the stage unmedicated to have him self-destruct publically, thus allowing the Dems to substitute a different candidate who might stand a chance against Trump. 

THE SOUND OF (ALMOST REAL) MUSIC

I continue to play around with AI music generation for fun. Here's a recent creation that I'm quite happy with. Somewhat inspired by The Byrds "So You Wanna Be A Rock and Roll Star," this 60s-flavored piece of jangle pop has a warning for wannabee rockstars and anyone else who finds that old aspirations are standing in the way of new directions. I hope you enjoy it!

STULTIFYING STILTON STUFF

I want to apologize for my infrequent posting these days. I still care very much about this site and, especially, the wonderful community here. But being somewhat more fragile emotionally than I was previously (I pause to theatrically raise my wrist to my forehead, chin ever-so-slightly elevated in wistful martyrdom) I'm really not invested in the idiocy and fear-mongering of day-to-day news. Oh sure, I still mutter aloud about whose heads I'd like to see on a pike, but it doesn't seem like the kind of thing I should explicitly put in print.

Plus, Fauci's plague is still kicking my rear-end. I currently can't walk more than about 30 feet without getting breathless. If I make that a 60 foot round trip, I'll be gasping afterwards. Unsurprisingly, it's hard for me to get anything done: by the time I can walk to my lawnmower, I'm too breathless to push it. I have bags of mulch sitting on my porch that seem as immoveable as the stone slabs used to build the pyramids.

I've had oodles of medical tests and no one actually knows what's going on. Right now, the smart money is on micro blood clots screwing up my lungs and circulatory system. It's not an uncommon reaction to Covid and it can A) go away, B) become a chronic condition or, C) lead to stroke or heart attack. Currently there's no medical protocol for treating it, although I'm pretty sure we've got people in Wuhan working on it.

Side note: Congress has only now cut off funding for the EcoHealth Alliance, the group which funded (with taxpayers' money funneled through Anthony Fauci) the gain-of-function Covid mischief at the Wuhan Institute of Effing Up The World.  And in the most jaw-dropping show of chutzpah I've ever seen, this is the image you'll see when you visit the EcoHealth website...

And since they didn't answer their own question, the answer is "citizens with pikes."

Only You Can Prevent Dumpster Fires

Based on the above, humorless Joe may be thinking about asking Kristi Noem to give Smokey Bear a personal tour of her favorite gravel pit. Although the likelihood that he's capable of thinking about anything other than ice cream time and poopy time (which is frequently the same time) is diminishingly small.

As are the odds that the world is going to turn saner anytime soon. Let's see, we still have Trump on trial for things that aren't crimes, colleges in chaos owing to demonstrations in support of anti-Semitic terror, Boeing whistleblowers dying mysteriously (meaning by causes other than standing under the flight paths of disintegrating Boeing aircraft), multiple fronts for possible nuclear war, Bird flu threatening to end mankind (and news about mRNA vaccines perhaps making the birds' efforts redundant) and, saddest of all, we've still got over a month to wait before "Deadpool & Wolverine" hits the theaters.

Which is why it's so important for each of us to occasionally take a deep breath and let go of our stress. Or, as this pillow from Amazon Vine suggests...

And really, shouldn't we all try to be more Hom Enow? Personally, I've been able to find some ongoing escape and enjoyment by fiddling about in the world of AI music generation. Because when we express ourselves in song, we speak in the voice of angels...

A Biden In Every Pot

To paraphrase a very old joke, a young cannibal boy once sat at the dinner table and said "I don't like Biden." To which his mother said "Then just eat the noodles."

In this case, according to a heartfelt speech recently given by Joe Biden, the main course might have been the president's beloved "Uncle Bosie" who was a heroic World War II pilot whose plane was shot down (or perhaps speared) causing him to crash into cannibal territory in New Guinea. The savages ate every bit of him after first forcing him to watch erotic native dancers so there would be "more meat."

None of this happened the way Biden said, of course. His uncle, who was in the service, was a passenger on a military plane that had engine failure and subsequently ditched in the ocean. And that was the end of Uncle Bosie. You'd think that giving his life in the service of his country would be story enough for little Joey (he was 2 years old when it happened) to be proud of, but Joe just had to embellish the story to the point of utter ridiculousness. 

White House press secretary Karine Jean-Pierre, who is in no way related to any flesh-eating tribespeople, found subsequent questions about the cannibal story to be tasteless. Presumably, unlike Uncle Bosie.

But as long as Uncle Joe has put the subject of cannibals on the table, so to speak, it seems an appropriate time to revisit a fond memory from my politically incorrect youth. I loved watching "The Little Rascals" and no episode made me laugh harder than the mistaken-identity romp, "The Kid From Borneo." I assume that there are many here who will remember that episode, which is why I've used AI to create this (suddenly topical) song about the chaos that occurred when "Uncle George" came to town.

And as long as I'm trotting out my AI songbook (seriously, I just can't force myself to follow the news closely these days), here's another little toe-tapping tune that only took me about 30 years to create. Back then, I got the chance to meet a famous cowboy vocal group and pitched them an original song that I thought would fit nicely in their catalog. They politely declined which is hardly surprising, considering that I can't play any instruments and so just had to sing a cappella on a cassette that I may or may not have recorded in my sound-enhancing bathroom shower.

But thanks to the miracle of AI, which is willing to play with us a bit longer before taking over, I finally brought the 30-year-old song to life this week (along with AI generated visuals - though I still had to do a bunch of video editing). It's not politically relevant (assuming that Biden didn't also lose a beloved uncle in a cattle stampede), but I think it's a good idea to kick off a Monday with a toe-tapping cowboy tune anyway!

Another Vine Mess

For those of you who won't be getting a total eclipse today (like we are in my part of Texas) it seems only fair to share something else that you probably shouldn't look at without eye protection. In this case, another collection of questionable products from Amazon Vine - the service that lets a lucky few select free items in return for honest reviews. Some of those products are actually great. Others...not so much. 

GENERAL UPDATES

I haven't been able to post much lately owing to some oddities with my health which are almost certainly due to my recent (or ongoing?) bout of the Fauci Flu. Something is rather dramatically robbing my muscles of energy after the shortest of exertions, forcing me to use a walker much of the time, and I still have wracking coughs despite recent x-rays showing my chest clear. Blood tests and heart scans have been done and nothing has been discovered so far. 

I don't feel bad most of the time, but a trip to the mailbox can feel like a marathon. We may have to look at more obscure conditions to figure this out. Covid can cause "micro-clotting" which sends little clots throughout the body to block capillaries and cut the flow of oxygen and nutrients to cells. And the laughably-named "vaccine" can stimulate the ongoing production of so much spike protein in the body that your tissues become suffused with it...and your immune system starts attacking your own muscles and organs. Hopefully I've got neither (let alone both) of those conditions, but it's an odd time. And big baby that I am, it hurts not to have Kathy here to take care of me or, more likely, tell me to quit whining and do something useful.

Like taxes, for instance. I haven't done mine yet and will be sending a request for an extension tomorrow. In hilariously typical IRS fashion, you can request an automatic extension just by asking for it, with the codicil that if you owe any taxes you still have to pay them by April 15. Well, if I KNEW I had taxes to pay and how much they were, my return would already be done, wouldn't it?!  Bah.

But on a lighter note, I've continued experimenting with AI music and now AI video generation. So just for the fun of it, I thought I'd share some recent works. The first being "Ten-in-One" which is my salute to the oldtime freak shows that fascinate me. The lyrics are mine and I've seen most of the human oddities mentioned in the song personally. Stars in my somewhat unusual pantheon.

On a more upbeat note, here's a fun rocker that is a reworking of a song played by a band I helped create, The Nukes, with my twin brother about 45 years ago. We performed in white lab coats and strange eyewear. These are my original lyrics (and the band's theme song) but the melody, music, and vocals are generated entirely with AI as were all of the visuals - there's nothing "real" in here at all. I edited the clips into a mostly coherent form but the credit (?) goes to artificial intelligence here. These are crazy times, my friends!

JARLSBERG REPORT

(Click picture above to make it larger!)

I can't resist posting on the 1st of April, but it's pretty hard to come up with news stories that are more ludicrous than the ones we're routinely told are "real." Still, it's fun to try. Best wishes to all for a happy (and cautious) April Fool's Day!

Grandson of the Sod

Happy day-after-St. Patrick's Day! Whether you're Irish or not, I hope you enjoyed a fun day, wore green, listened to an Irish jig, and stocked up on potatoes. That's pretty much what I did, because my paternal grandfather was a red-headed musician from County Cork, so it would be blasphemy not to recognize the day somehow.

Mind you, Grandad "Red" isn't listed on my official family tree as his contribution to the family lineage was purely (or impurely) biological. He was hired to give my innocent young grandmother piano lessons but apparently threw in a free organ lesson and then skedaddled when she got pregnant.  Grandma quickly and quietly left town until she gave birth and could return. The baby, my father, was put in an orphanage for a few months to avoid scandal then legally adopted by his grandparents. He was raised believing himself to be an adopted orphan and that his mother was his sister, not discovering the deception until in his teens. All of which is my long-winded way of saying I've got plenty of Irish in me. As did Grandma, apparently.

Celebrating with other people would put my hermit status in jeopardy, so instead I decided to honor St. Patrick's Day by creating a new song to bring joy to future generations of green beer drinkers. In it, I tell the surprisingly little-known story of what the heck Saint Patrick did with all of those snakes he's so famous for getting rid of. 

I've also created a music video with large, easy-to-read lyrics so that you can sing along joyfully with your family and drunken friends. And maybe your red-headed piano teacher.

Clock Blocker

Showing renewed energy, vitality, and wildly-dilated pupils, Joe Biden vigorously and youthfully urged the voters of Pennsylvania to go to the polls in November to send him to Congress. He also warned the crowd that January 6th was another Alabama, which is hard - no, impossible - to argue with. Go on, I dare you.

But he's fine, just fine. And we shouldn't really read too much into a slip of the tongue. Surely he meant to say that January 6th was another banana. 

Not that Joe did a lot better in his apparently meth-augmented State of the Union speech. Among the highlights, he diminished the brutal murder of Laken Riley by saying that "Lincoln (sic) was an innocent young woman who was killed by an illegal. But how many thousands of people being killed by legals?" Yeah, how many DO be killed? I assume that Biden's ebonics moment was simply a calculated call-out to Black voters. And it's good to know that we can call border-jumping killers "illegals" again.

Joe also declared that in his next term he would, by gum, end cancer as we know it! Frankly, I'd prefer that he just end cancer period - not just "as we know it." He may only have his eye on introducing an exciting New Cancer featuring "metastasis like you've never seen it before!" But we know that Joe is the man for this job because he was given the same job by Obama back in 2016.  Joe spearheaded the "Cancer Moonshot" program, the success of which we would all likely remember if there had been any.

Joe also declared that our military was being tasked with building a new, temporary pier in Gaza so we can bring in humanitarian aid by ship because it would be superior to doing it by air. A point he subsequently underscored with an air drop of humanitarian supplies that crushed multiple people waiting on the ground below. Subtle, Joe.

Air Force Juan

Fentanyl? Rape? Murder?

Parody is dead.  For years I've joked that if the Democrats are really concerned about the dangers incurred by people illegally crossing our borders, they should just cut out that long, hazardous pilgrimage and pick up the illegals in their own countries and bring them here in comfort. And we now know that's exactly what's happening.

Biden's laughably-named Customs and Border Protection agency (CBP) has been using chartered planes to pick up unvetted illegal migrants in other countries then flying them directly to the interior of the United States for secret release. Although the new arrivals do have to pinky swear they'll apply for legal status within two years.

Part of Biden's plan was to artificially reduce the number of crossings being reported at the border. And by using our tax money to secretly fly in illegals and give them walking around money, he did lower that number by 320,000 anonymous illegals in 2023. Not that it made much of a dent in the total border crossing numbers - there are still nearly ten times the illegals strolling into the country under Biden than was the case when Trump was President.

But how do the illegals even know about the program and how to use it to receive free criminal airfare? Simple. They use a CBP app on their smartphones that lets them schedule a trip on Air Biden as easily as calling for a ride on Uber. 

I'd love to make some kind of pointed joke about all of this, but how can I? This is madness or, likely, something considerably more evil.

Rest In Peace, parody. You were fun while you lasted.

TORCHED SONG

Hopefully, you're not sick of my posting AI songs in this space because I'll probably keep doing it from time to time. It's fun to play with the technology and while working my way through Covid Fatigue I'm not able to do much other than sit on my butt in front of the computer. Mind you, that was largely my lifestyle before, but at least then it was a life choice.

In any case, inspired by my lethargy, I composed the following smoldering, sexy, smoky bit of jazz. A torch song for those already burned...

Gone But Not Forgiven

This past week, I have found myself in the uncomfortable position of having to decide whether I'm a hypocrite or an asshole. And the verdict is that I'm not a hypocrite.

The situation is this: for years I've had a Bucket List somewhat different than that of most people. Visiting Paris? Climbing a pyramid? Swimming with dolphins? Nope. My list consists entirely of people whom I want to see kick the bucket before I do. Being on the list seems to bring no harm to those named, as they tend to cling to life like withered Democrats who refuse to give up office after half-centuries or more of (ahem) "service."

But even the occasional scratch-off Lotto ticket produces a small win from time to time, and several days ago I learned that the person at the top of my Bucket List is not long for this world. Indeed, this person may be room temperature by the time you read this, though I wouldn't expect that condition to last long if you take my drift.

Something I should make clear: I struggle with grief every day and I would never want anyone to suffer. But dropping dead? Well, we all do it eventually, which seems like a waste of effort if no one is made happy. 

In this case, the individual is a lawyer who made my life miserable for years. A person who cost me and my family tens of thousands of dollars (and perhaps significantly more) while actively trying to sabotage my career for no discernible reason. This person was also not a very good lawyer and cost their (and my) employer literally millions of dollars in lost court cases. 

But as is too often the case, this lawyer continued to fail upward into other positions, some of national prominence and newsworthy incompetence. This person even did a TED talk about the secret of success: "being nice to the little people." A sentiment so far from their actual behavior that I'm amazed a lightning bolt didn't strike then and there.

Still, I'm not a heartless bastard. I have human feelings and strive to find forgiveness for those who have not only trespassed against me but taken a steaming dump while they were on my lawn. Which is why as a peace offering, I wrote the following song to commemorate this sad occasion.

Sorry, that was a typo. I meant sadly delayed occasion.

That lead singer sure is a good-looking guy...

Presidunce Day

Alexei Navalny, a political critic of Vladimir Putin, died in a Russian prison this week owing to "Sudden Death Syndrome," which is more commonly known as "Political Critic of Vladimir Putin Syndrome." Bloody-knuckled prison guards huddled over Navalny's spontaneously bruised body but were unable to save him.

Meanwhile, in New York, former President Donald Trump, a political critic of Joe Biden, suffered an attack of "Sudden Bankruptcy Syndrome" inflicted by a judge so astoundingly and nakedly corrupt that he's presumably topping Biden's list of Supreme Court nominees in case Joe succeeds in stealing another election.

Let's be clear: the judge has ordered Trump to pay a fine of almost 500 million dollars after convicting him of a crime that never happened and had no victims. The "victim," in fact, spoke in Trump's defense and said that the financial transaction in question was legit, standard practice, and made a lot of money for the bank that gave Trump a loan and they'd be eager to do similar transactions in the future.

For this, the judge - who bears a striking resemblance to Bob Denver from "Gilligan's Island" - smeared Trump for showing a "pathological lack of remorse" for the non-crime in which no one was harmed.

One is a clumsy goofball who gets nothing right. The other is Gilligan.

But hey, such an obviously ridiculous verdict should be an easy appeal, right? Wrong. Because Trump can't appeal the case without first putting the $500 million into escrow and even he doesn't have that kind of walking around money. But since banks love to do business with him, he can borrow it. Just kidding! The judge also ruled that Trump can't do any business in New York for three years, which eliminates access to most major banking institutions. And, by design, may eliminate Trump from the November election.

All of this puts us in a situation where our nation has become no more than a banana republic. The "law" is being used to eliminate anyone who opposes the corrupt power structure in Washington. Our votes mean nothing. Our freedom of speech has been canceled. Our Constitution is in flames.

But apart from all that, Mrs. Lincoln, Happy Presidents Day!

FROM THE VAULT

I won't lie - I love this cartoon.

YOU'VE GOT TO PAY THE DUES...

...if you want to sing the Blues. And as far as I'm concerned two weeks (and counting) of Covid and the general political malaise in the world are all the dues I need. Which is why I used aritifical intelligence to create yet another song. I wrote the lyrics, but legendary singer Cigar Box Jenkins brought it to life.

Want to download an MP3 of the song? Just click this link.

Snack Attack

On Superbowl Sunday, Joe Biden's handlers decided that he shouldn't do a live interview during the game fearing that it could make him look like a senile nincompoop. So instead, they aired a professionally produced message for the American people in which Biden looked like a senile nincompoop.

Astoundingly, in unusually terse fashion, Joe pulled back the curtains to reveal the evil conspiracy that is playing Americans for (and we quote) "suckers." Specifically, the tendency of the Big Snack industry to charge us the same money for giving us fewer chips, crackers, and cookies in each package.

Mind you, this shouldn't be confused with Biden's inflation which has skyrockets prices across the board. No, this is "shrinkflation" which is, well, exactly the same thing. Only this isn't Biden's fault, it's the fault of the America-hating robber barons! But who are these traitors? Joe isn't afraid to say!

Buy stock now before their lawsuit settlements come in

These are some of the bastards singled out by the White House (with a Presidential Seal looming over their products no less) for ripping off consumers and treating them as "suckers." Products that are even now mobilizing their ecstatic legal departments. The frigging Keebler elves, Gatorade, Pepperidge Farm, Nabisco, Breyers, and Lays - all giving you less product just because your money isn't worth as much since Biden took office.  And are those really "Double Stuf" Oreos or are they "Stuf and Three-Quarters" Oreos?! Fightin' Biden is on your side!

Joe was especially angry that ice cream containers are getting smaller, because that's apparently a message his handlers want us to know he deeply cares about. Although the message we're mostly getting is that Joe's handlers have decided to let him look like a complete idiot so they can finally get rid of him. 

FUN WITH COVID

I'm glad to report that I'm well on my way to apparent recovery from my first dance with Fauci's Folly, though am still mildly symptomatic on Day 10. It hasn't been that hard on me, I'm relieved to say. Oh, I still honk like a trumpeter swan when coughing, but that's just my innate musicality.

The social isolation hasn't been too bad, what with me being a hermit anyway. But I still take it as a personal affront that this manmade illness finally got me - and surely will again.  And again.

HAPPY VD - FROM THE VAULT

The Tony Awards

This would be a great place for me to say something glib or pithy, but those words aren't in me today. I hate this man and innumerable others who created a new and more efficient scythe for the Grim Reaper, then compounded their crimes with lies, power plays, and a "vaccine" that has a non-zero chance of wiping out our species. 

Side note: I know that sounds way over the top and I wish it were. And in fairness, I'm guaranteed that my fears are unwarranted by the same expert sources who assured us that Covid could not be spread person-to-person, that face masks were dangerous (before they became mandatory proof of political servitude), that packing Covid patients into nursing homes with senior citizens was a good idea, that the virus itself magically evolved from a bowl of bat wing soup from a wet market within coughing distance of the Wuhan virology lab, and that the new "vaccines" were safe, thoroughly tested, and effective.

Sadly, "Holocaust Remembrance Day" seems no more meaningful than any other Hallmark holiday in a sick world where equally horrendous crimes against humanity are being rewarded rather than punished.

SUBPOENAS ENVY

I'm more than a little confused. Former Trump adviser Peter Navarro has just been sentenced to four months in jail for defying a congressional subpoena that required him to appear before the same Democrat-lead House Select Committee (and lynch mob) that conducted a Kabuki investigation into January 6th, then destroyed more than 100 encrypted files of "insurrection"-related evidence (no doubt of an exonerating nature) to keep them from falling into the hands of Republicans.

But if memory serves, Hunter ("Fingerpainting For Fun and Profit") Biden recently received similar subpoenas and staged a photo-op specifically to show him giving Congress the finger. For which he's been sentenced to exactly zero months in jail. Which is good for him, because it's not as easy to sneak coke into jail as it is to sneak it into his dad's White House.

Still, when it comes to matters of applying equal justice under the law, I'm amazed that in our trans-happy culture and an election year, the Republicans can't even pretend to have balls.

IF AT FIRST YOU DON'T SECEDE...

Remember the Ala Mode!

Joe Biden seems to be preparing for a literal war against Texas and, as a Texan, I'd like to assure him that A) it's a bad idea and B) we triple-dog dare your ice-cream-licking ass. The man is sending troops to make sure that our nation's border falls. To make sure that the flow of fentanyl, sex slaves, disease, and potential terrorists continues unabated. 

Sooner or later, even the idiots on the Left are going to ask why - and it's going to boil down to corruption of a very high order. The cartels are clearly paying big money to keep their operations going and they're just lucky enough to be dealing with a president who's been comfortable taking bribes and selling out the American people for his entire career.

Personally, I would really and truly like to see my state of Texas secede and return to its status as an independent nation again. And I would hope this could be accomplished entirely peacefully. Still, if Biden keeps pushing us, I hope Governor Abbott sends troops to Washington to cut down the White House fences and see how Joe likes it.

Noose at Eleven

As expected, Donald Trump crushed his opponents in the Iowa caucuses after which he made a live victory speech in which he said...(Bzzzt!)...he said...(Crackle!)...he said...

Sorry about that. The problem is NOT with your television set. Rather, if you were watching alleged "news" networks CNN or MSNBC, the transmission of Trump's message was cut off by an ideological problem that technicians are most definitely not rushing to repair.

Rather, the management of both networks decided to just not air anything Donald Trump says live anymore - even if it's a politically salient victory speech - because they claim they don't want to knowingly transmit anything that might be lies. Of course, they can't just leave the airtime unfilled while they're protecting you from whatever lies they've had premonitions about. So they open up the conversational floor to their (ahem) "news" people who then tell rock-solid truths like Trump has declared that he will be dictator for life, that if Trump wins he'll order the "crazies" who follow him to kill his political enemies, and that Trump will clearly destroy our country if re-elected because he forgot to do during his first Presidential term in which he was sending the economy through the roof, keeping us out of wars, improving employment and opportunities for minority Americans, projecting strength to our nation's adversaries, and giving away his salary to charity. The rat bastard.

This is among the most blatant acts of election interference imaginable and every minute of airtime devoted to talking up Joe Biden or talking down Trump needs to be listed as a political "contribution in kind" to the Biden campaign. Additionally, any special First Amendment protections applied to news organizations should be immediately yanked from these two propaganda mills. 

But why do CNN and MSNBC think they need to hide Trump's words from their viewers? If what Trump is saying is offensive, then the people should hear it to help them decide who to vote for. And if what Trump is saying is lies, then the networks should air those lies along with the proof that Trump is lying - again, for the benefit of their viewers.

Then again, CNN and MSNBC may believe that their viewers are such bone-headed morons that they'll simply believe any outlandish thing they hear on cable news. In fact, that's their entire market strategy.

AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY ARTIFICIAL

I'm still fiddling around with AI programs and music generators (hey, I need to do SOMEthing when I'm avoiding the news) and I recently came up with a song that is...dare I say it...kind of good?

I asked ChatGPT to write lyrics that sounded like a Byrds interpretation of a Bob Dylan song. I then plugged those lyrics into app.suno.ai and told it to generate a pop song with good harmonies. There were a lot of false starts, but then a good iteration. Which started a process of prompting the engine to add a little bit more and a little bit more until it was a whole song. And I added a music video (barely) so I could stick it on Youtube.

The song itself isn't intended to be a joke nor is it political. In fact, it's a bit of feel-good inspirational throwback rock that I've been listening to when I need a mood boost (hint: hourly). And maybe you'll enjoy it, too!

And for any Karaoke fans...sing along!

"Echoes of Tomorrow"

[Verse 1:]

In the whispers of the morning,

Through the mist of dawn's embrace,

Lies a truth that's softly spoken,

In the lines of every face.

Winds of change are blowing,

Across the fields of time,

Where dreams are sown like golden grains,

In the garden of the mind.

[Chorus:]

Oh, echoes of tomorrow,

Ring through yesterdays of sorrow,

And the songs of freedom hum,

Beneath the setting sun.

May the words we say,

Light the path and show the way,

For the echoes of tomorrow,

In our hearts will stay.

[Verse 2:]

See the river's constant flowing,

Past the mountains, through the plains,

Like the endless quest for knowing,

That in every heart remains.

Shadows of the evening,

Dance with the glow of fireflies,

While stars above keep weaving,

Tales of love beneath the skies.

[Chorus:]

Oh, echoes of tomorrow,

In the laughter and the sorrow,

Like a melody that flies,

Underneath the moonlit skies.

Let our voices rise,

Through the dark and stormy skies,

For the echoes of tomorrow,

Are the dreams that never die.

[Bridge:]

In every whispered wind,

In every songbird's call,

The answers lie within,

In the rise and in the fall.

[Chorus:]

Oh, echoes of tomorrow,

In the love that we can borrow,

From the chapters yet to write,

In the silence of the night.

Hand in hand we'll go,

Through the high and through the low,

For the echoes of tomorrow,

In our hearts will glow.