Friday, October 30, 2020

Wait of the World

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After a bit of introspection, we were able to identify the queasy feeling which has been tying our stomach in knots. It's the feeling we have when spending endless hours in a waiting room while a loved one is in surgery. Is everything going to be okay? Is nothing going to be okay? Are there really NO magazines to read unrelated to golf?

But while we wait, there are at least a few amusements to distract us...

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Yes, there's fresh rioting and looting related to an incident in which police fatally shot a black man for no reason whatsoever other than that he was big, out of his mind, and was chasing them with a butcher knife.

But the usual numbnuts on the Left are still complaining about police officers saving their own lives, and are declaring that a knife is such a silly little weapon that it shouldn't even be considered dangerous. 

This is not an opinion shared in Nice, France, where two people were killed, and a third killed and beheaded, by a knife-wielding maniac shouting "Allahu Akbar." An Arabic phrase which, according to Google, translates to "free Nikes for everyone if the gendarmes shoot me."


Happy Halloween from Stilton's Place!

Wednesday, October 28, 2020

Pointed Remark

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Don't bother looking for a deeper meaning in today's cartoon - it's really just a matter of venting related to the fact that, when we look around at the news and the world lately, we genuinely feel like we're drowning in assholes. And while we can't claim to have any theological insights, we think that the scenario shown above is plausible at the very least.

On a macro level, we're feeling stress from all of the insanity associated with the election, the pandemic, politics in general, and the media's growing comfort with being all propaganda, all the time. Actual facts are no longer in vogue, and actual harm may come to those who keep trying to share them.

To be sure, we're pleased that Amy Coney Barrett was confirmed, but we're concerned that her appointment may be historic by virtue of being the last time the "ninth seat" will be filled, as well as being the last appointment before the Supreme Court officially transforms into a legislative rather than judicial body. Not to mention ending up with more members in robes than the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.

On a micro level, we're dealing with frustrations like fighting with a frigging insurance company to allow Mrs. J to get a necessary medicine related to her recent health woes. She's now been without the medication (which should be injected each and every day) for over a month, because of that biblical plague of assholes which we mentioned above.

Side note: the medication, for osteoporosis, is impressively expensive. Like, "ugly but running used car" expensive or "a weekend of crack for Hunter Biden" expensive. If one lacks insurance, the manufacturer has a plan to give it to you for next to nothing. But if you have Medicare (and guess how many people with osteoporosis fall into that age category) you get no discount at all even though Medicare refuses to throw in a nickel. Being punished financially - and blocked medically - just for having Medicare doesn't really increase our desire for more governmental bureaucracy in healthcare.

But enough griping. Life is good overall, even on days (like this one) when the grumpies get the better of us.

Monday, October 26, 2020

Toe Biden

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Despite finally coming up from the cellar, Joe Biden's campaign is again stuck in debasement. As if it wasn't bad enough that his son Hunter's laptop computer is packed with evidence of corruption (including payouts of foreign money to Joe "The Big Guy" Biden himself), a new video of Hunter has been released by a Chinese TV channel which is literally a kick in the nuts. Which is a perfectly good joke that you may not get unless you read further which, in good conscience, we don't necessarily recommend. Because there's no way to handle this story tactfully or tastefully, even if we wanted to. Which we don't. Read on at your own risk and please, avoid having a mouthful of liquid until you've safely reached the bottom of the page.

The video (which you can see here until it's "disappeared") shows a fully nude Hunter Biden reclining in a dark room, simultaneously smoking crack and holding up his cellphone to take closeup movies of someone (reputed to be an underage female) vigorously stroking "little Hunter" with her oiled feet. An act which is unbelievably dangerous owing to the risk of contracting "athlete's dick."

It's also not safe because this is the sort of thing the Chinese government loves to record to use as blackmail against people of influence. Like, oh, the potential president of the United States

Then again, blackmail only works if the intended victim is afraid of the news getting out - and that seems increasingly unlikely to happen in the United States as mainstream news outlets and social media platforms continue to actively erase any and all references to Biden-family malfeasance. Even dull as dishwater (and taxpayer-supported) NPR has announced that they won't tell their listeners anything about Hunter's laptop (his computer, not his foot warmer) nor Joe's role in selling influence to foreign adversaries. Their reason for burying the story is somewhat convoluted, but it more or less wraps up with "and the horse you rode in on."

Of course, that dam won't hold forever - but it doesn't have to. Once Biden is elected, the real powerbrokers on the Left will be only too happy to see him resign, get impeached, or go to jail. Old Joe's only use is to get their foot in the door. So to speak. 

Friday, October 23, 2020

Trick or Cheat!

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Voted "scariest costume of 2020"

Wow! How about that wild and crazy Presidential debate last night?! We can't begin to put in words how astounding it was and how much impact it's going to have on election results!

And the reason we can't put it in words is that we're writing this hours before the debate, so we don't actually have any idea what happened - though we'll venture a wild guess that it wasn't a tidy and orderly affair and Trump will be roundly criticized for some damn thing.

But we can comment on other exciting news, like Barack "Mind if I eat your dog?" Obama finally getting out and campaigning for his former Vice President...

There are no reports of anyone fainting in his Godlike presence, either

Yes, Barry himself took to the streets of Pennsylvania, bullhorn in hand, to rouse the passions of nearly a dozen potential voters who are currently living in their parents' basements. Unable to come up with much in the way of specific accomplishments (or future plans) by Biden, the former president instead went on the attack against Trump, who "emboldens other people to be cruel and divisive and racist."

This ugly pack of lies doesn't seem to square with Michelle Obama's claim that in matters of political rhetoric, "when they go low, we go high." Although it's entirely possible that Barry did go to the event high. By his own admission, he's a man who loves his pot, booze, and maybe a little blow when he can afford it.

And maybe enough of all three at once can help dull the pain of shilling for Joe "Buy Me" Biden.

Wednesday, October 21, 2020

The Sound of Silencing

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Thursday evening sees the final Presidential Debate of the 2020 election season, and the debate commission is instituting a few changes to make sure that it will be an orderly affair. Specifically, they're wrapping Donald Trump in a straightjacket, binding him with chains, locking him in a trunk, then lowering him by crane into a tank of water where he'll have only two minutes to throw off his restraints and escape drowning.

No wait, we're thinking of Harry Houdini, who debated Biden back in the 1920s. Successfully, we might add. 

But this time around, the debate commission has decided to discourage interruptions by turning off each candidate's microphone while his opponent speaks for two minutes. At least, that's the theory - and one which will be put sorely to the test when Donald Trump repeatedly uses his two minutes to list all of the damning evidence regarding Joe Biden's illegal graft which has come to light on Hunter Biden's laptop computer. Frankly, we can't imagine the moderator letting Trump speak uninterrupted about a giant scandal that Twitter and Facebook have forbidden their users from even seeing.

And while it's popularly considered that this new rule is an attempt to squelch President Trump (yeah, good luck with that), it might actually work to his favor. After all, is it even conceivable that Joe Biden can speak for two consecutive minutes without putting his foot in his mouth...?

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Monday, October 19, 2020

Byte of the Hunter

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Well, here's another nice meth you've gotten us into!

Joe Biden's son Hunter is in the news, assuming you consider "the news" to be the New York Post, Fox News, and pretty much no one else. After allegedly deserting his laptop computer at a repair shop, Hunter's hard drive was reviewed by the store owner and discovered to contain thousands of personal photos, including of sex and drug use, and scads of emails which clearly indicate that Joe Biden was selling his influence as Vice President to any foreign country that would line Hunter's pockets (including China and Ukraine).

Not that ol' Joe was altruistic about it; according to the emails, he personally demanded 50% of the bribe money that he had his son skimming from foreign governments. In other words, it seems that there's solid proof that Joe Biden is as sleazy and corrupt as they come, and his happy ass should be in jail. Where, if there is a God in heaven, his old nemesis Corn Pop will be a surly guard.

But that's unlikely to happen, with 99% of the media (including social media) actively covering the whole thing up. Which they can't do forever, but quite likely can do until election day - which is really all that matters. If Joe wins the White House and is immediately impeached, the Democrats couldn't be happier. He is, after all, not who they really want running the show.

In a normal year (which, we believe, is now an archaic term) this developing scandal would have a huge impact on the election, and the incumbent party would just stay quiet and let Biden twist in the wind. But "staying quiet" apparently isn't a skill that everyone has mastered...

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Like father, like scum.

With all of the arm-flapping, spin, and misdirection of the Schiff hearings, people haven't been paying enough attention to one of the case's central matters: determining just how much of a corrupt sleazebag Joe Biden's son Hunter really is.

Granted, we already knew that he'd been thrown out of the military for drug use. That he'd been in rehab multiple times. That he was siphoning off huge sums of money on various boards (including in Ukraine) to give people quid pro quo access to his father.

We even knew that Hunter Biden left his wife in order to start banging his dead brother's widow. And thanks to a recent DNA test, we now know that while Hunter was cheating on his wife, and enjoying some kind of necrophiliac incest with his sister-in-law, he was also shtupping a young woman in Arkansas who he knocked up, then lied about ever having had sex with her.

The legally-mandated DNA test came about because Biden had stopped making support payments to the mother and child, which is especially tacky considering the millions of dollars in graft money finding its way into his bank accounts.

Presumably, the mother and child will no longer have financial worries, even if Hunter won't cough up any dough. After all, now that his lineage has been proved, Joe Biden's new grandson can start sitting on the boards (using a booster seat) of some of the world's most corrupt companies.

Friday, October 16, 2020

I Voted

Oh, I voted alright. Not with any pleasure but with considerable passion. 

I voted for Donald Trump (as did Mrs. J, who had to go to the polls with a fractured spine), not because I love him (I don't), but because he's sure as hell better than any alternatives the Democrats are offering. Or should I say "threatening."

A genuinely dear friend posted on Facebook yesterday that people who vote as I did are straight up fascists with "foul beliefs," whether we admit it or not. "Most villains don't recognize their own evil," this well-intentioned person said - although on that sentiment we agree, for different reasons.

So let's unpack what my vote for Trump (and a straight ticket of Republicans, assuming that I can still say "straight" without being sent to a gulag) actually meant. In no particular order, I voted:

• To keep the Supreme Court a judicial rather than legislative body.
• To keep racists from gaining even more political power.
• To keep my future votes from being disenfranchised by the addition of new Democrat "states."
• To free Black Americans from their liberal prison plantations by increasing their access to education and opportunity.
• To stand in solidarity with the Constitution and the Bill of Rights.
• To clean up the FBI, the CIA, and the DOJ.
• To keep socialism from devouring our economy and work ethic.
• To have legal citizenship actually mean something.
• To improve everyone's access to quality, affordable healthcare.
• To ensure equal rights to all regardless of race, color, faith, or sexual orientation.
• To fight against "cancel culture."
• To protect our cities from those who would burn them down without fear of legal consequence.
• To resist the control of all information and speech by giant media conglomerates.
• To support police agencies and the communities which they serve.
• To maintain a viable economy during the pandemic rather than embrace systemic failure.
• To allow political dissent and the free exchange of ideas.
• To drain the Washington swamp.
• To keep our military strong.
• To put America first.

And much, much more of course. What I didn't vote for, knowingly or unknowingly, are any of the heinous "foul beliefs" my friend seems to imagine are in my coal-black heart.

Casting our votes this time around was a bittersweet process owing to the high stakes and uncertain outcome we're currently facing. It's my belief that if this election is lost, that future "stacked" elections won't matter; the "Dems" that will forever-after beat us won't be Democrats but demographics. And I genuinely fear that under a Biden/Harris/Sanders/Pelosi/AOC administration, people like myself won't just be persecuted for our beliefs, but prosecuted for them. 

On the plus side, I also believe that a lot of Americans are sick of the Left's lies, anger, and divisiveness and will cast their votes in a way not predicted by fictitious polls. It happened before, and here's hoping it happens again.

Wednesday, October 14, 2020

Drawing a Blank

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Amy Coney Barrett's confirmation hearings are going fine so far, assuming you consider it "fine" for a brilliant legal mind and outstanding human being to have to sit silently while a panel of politically motivated morons yap endlessly about why they think she's of low character.

In terms of actual legal knowledge, the Dems haven't been able to lay a glove on her. Nor have they been able to get her to respond to their baited questions about how she would decide imaginary cases in the future. So instead, the Democratic senators simply use their time making speeches about the millions who will die (from losing Obamacare) if Judge Barrett is sworn in, and the millions who won't die (from abortion) if she rules on Roe vs. Wade. Making us wonder why they can't make up their freaking minds about whether they're pro-death or anti-death.

The Dems are also using visual aids like poster-sized pictures of children with serious illnesses so that the great unwashed can see that the mother of seven (including two adoptees and a special needs child) has no empathy, despises children, and is quite likely hiding her investments in a company which sells child-sized coffins.

And no, we're not going to make a joke about RBG also having a child-sized coffin because it would be an appalling lapse of taste.

But not as bad as that of Democrat senator Mazie Hirono from Hawaii, who asked Barrett (in front of her children), "Since you became a legal adult, have you ever made unwanted requests for sexual favors, or committed any physical or verbal harassment or assault of a sexual nature" and "have you ever faced discipline or entered in a settlement related to this kind of conduct?" 

Barrett answered "no."

The answer to Hirono's final question, "have you ever blown Willie Brown?" was drowned out by an explosive spit take and coughing fit by committee member Kamala Harris.

Monday, October 12, 2020

A Fool and Your Money Are Soon Parted

Owing to our grueling schedule (it takes a surprisingly long time to make enough gruel to last all week), we're unable to post any 100% new content today but can assure you that there's also no 100% new news.

Which makes it a great time to swing wide the door of the Hope n' Change archival vault to remind everyone what an annoying, socialist tool Joe Biden is.


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Joe Biden hosted a Black History Month event at his residence on Monday ("Try the hors d'oeuvres," he insisted, "They're all made with George Washington Carver's peanut butter!") and as usual ended up with controversial comments sticking to the roof of his mouth.

After years of hearing that taxpayers want him to keep his hands off their "cotton-picking money," Joe apparently came to believe that the money really is picking cotton, singing spirituals, and being held in slavery by the evil rich.

"This cannot stand!" Biden shouted at the invitees, nearly causing his stovepipe hat to topple. "It's not fair!"

"Business experts are saying that the concentration of wealth is stunting growth," Biden continued in a clear reference to former child star Gary Coleman, "So let's do something that's worthy of emancipation!"

Presumably, Biden's idea of emancipation consists of "freeing" money from the capitalist bastards who actually worked for it and using that liberated wealth for something much more important: the funding of the Left's vast, and nearly inescapable, vote-producing entitlement plantations.

Hope n' Change finds it sadly ironic, especially during Black History month, that when our nation got its first black president, he looked at all the possible contenders for vice president...and chose to pick a ninny.

Meanwhile at the NAACP...

Friday, October 9, 2020

The Flies Have It

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For a disturbingly large number of people, the most fascinating thing about the recent Vice Presidential Debate occurred  when a large fly landed on Mike Pence's head and sat there for two hypnotic minutes. 

Pence seemed entirely unaware of the fly's presence despite the fact that it was putting on little skis and preparing for a downhill run across his snowy head of hair. Kamala Harris was definitely aware of the fly, and showed frustration at her inability to snap it up with her lizard-like projectile tongue owing to the stage's plexiglass barriers.

Okay, that part wasn't true. Probably. In reality, when Harris was asked following the debate if she'd ever had trouble with flies, she said "Well, I chipped a tooth once trying to open Willie Brown's."

But despite the amusing nature of this story, there is a growing undercurrent of suspicion that the incident wasn't as innocent as it seemed. Unnamed sources have spoken off the record to Stilton's Place and revealed that this was a deliberate and pre-planned attempt to embarrass Vice President Pence and that the man responsible had way, way too much time on his hands...

Wednesday, October 7, 2020

Dazed Dreaming

We're enjoying the midweek fantasy above to help carry us through yet another day of media (and stomach) churn. As of this writing, the actual honest-to-gosh state of President Trump's health is unknown and, apparently, unknowable. Mike Pence and Kamala Harris are still scheduled to debate, and we fully expect Kamala to accuse Pence of racism, extreme white privilege, homophobia, and masterminding the gang rape of young girls in High School. Hey, it got her on the media's radar once already, right?

Mail-in ballots (solicited, not mailed out willy-nilly) have arrived at the Jarlsberg household, and we'll probably get them mailed out within 24 hours. We'll be treating them as "get well" cards for the President and, hopefully, our nation.


Michelle Obama recently posted a Youtube rant in which she flat out calls Donald Trump a racist. Which made it seem appropriate for us to raid the vault for this old cartoon that reminds us why we never liked her and never will...

(from July 27, 2016)

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The Democratic convention is in full swing which, through Herculean effort, we will not use as a set up for a joke involving nooses. Oh sure, it would be funny - but (to quote Richard Nixon) "it would be wrong, that's for sure."

Especially since one of the opening evening's speakers was Michelle Obama, the wife of our nation's first half-white black president, there to give a ringing endorsement to Hillary Clinton - the wife of our nation's first all-white black president.

Choosing, as ever, to take the high road, Michelle whined for the umpteenth time that she wakes up each day in a house built by slaves - which she apparently finds more upsetting than having her pricey wardrobe, dozens of personal "assistants," and luxury 5-star vacations paid for by slaves.

Monday, October 5, 2020

The Plague's The Thing

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It remains to be seen whether last week's White House Rose Garden event will be remembered as the day President Trump presented Amy Coney Barrett as his Supreme Court nominee, or as the first meeting of the Biden transition team. Because every friggin' nitwit in the photo above who isn't wearing a mask has helped reduce Trump's chance of winning in November.

It's no great mystery how to avoid SARS-CoV-2: wear a mask for the protection of others, observe social distancing, and wash your damn hands. Had that been made a national priority and the message expressed clearly and truthfully from the beginning (thanks, Dr. Fauci, you lying dog) we wouldn't have even needed the shutdown.

And had President Trump consistently made this message clear, with both words and his own personal behavior,  then we'd already be well into a thriving and prosperous "new normal." But no. The protocol for avoiding a major Covid-19 outbreak in the White House was laughably ineffective, and almost certainly because of a "trickle down" disdain for common sense measures originating from the man in the Oval Office. 

Masks? Social distancing? Taking temperatures? All were largely ignored...and now the inevitable has happened. We could soon be looking at a Biden presidency (followed within hours by a Kamala Harris presidency) owing to the hubris of those who apparently didn't believe in science after all.

Many of you readers, dear friends all, aren't going to be happy with us for saying that. So just imagine how unhappy we are for having to write it. 

We certainly hope that the President (and the people in his immediate circle) will recover fully and quickly, that he will win re-election, and that everyone will have learned that virology and politics really don't mix.


On a barely other note, this latest 2020 nightmare event has been a hard gut punch to our already wobbling last glimmer of optimism. And thinking about the upcoming election, we've been reminded of an old joke which sums up exactly how we're feeling about the important choice America is about to make...

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Friday, October 2, 2020

You Can Debate On It

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Following the entertaining but unenlightening free-for-all shoutfest debacle of 2020's first President Debate, new rules are being put into place to help assure that the next faceoff will be more dignified.

To that end, the candidates will have anvils on fraying ropes dangling over their heads as they sit in dunking booths above shark tanks. Should a candidate interrupt his opponent during a protected two minute speaking period, campaign representatives will be allowed to pitch baseballs at the dunk tank bullseye of the offending party until he either shuts the hell up or plunges into the pre-chummed water below.

Obviously, selecting the right representatives to pitch those balls becomes a critical element of the new debate strategy. "I brought the Big Ten back," boasted President Trump, "I'll have no problem getting a ball handler. And if you turn that into a Stormy Daniels joke, you're losing your press pass."

Exhibiting similar confidence, Joe Biden says "When it comes to throwing forcefully and accurately, you can't beat my Antifa guys. C'mon man, have you seen what those bastards can do with a Molotov cocktail?!"

Responding to nearly universal criticisms, the Rules Committee has also set up a mechanism by which debate viewers will be able to cast real-time votes on the performance of the moderator. Should audience approval slip below 70%, the host will be attacked by rabid hyenas.

Asked whether this might violate the Constitution's prohibition of cruel and unusual punishment, Supreme Court nominee Amy Coney Barrett wisely opined, "Well sure, it's cruel...but as long as they use the hyenas in all future debates, it won't be unusual. I give it a thumbs up!"

As should we all.


Of course, not everyone has heard the news yet...