Weed The People

One of the most jaw-dropping moments of Wednesday's wildly out of control Democratic debate occurred when frontrunner Bernie Sanders managed to display both his misunderstanding of capitalism and his casual racism in a single statement.

Specifically, Bernie proclaimed that "we're going to provide help to the African-American, Latino, and Native American community to start businesses to sell legal marijuana." Because, in Bernie's view, what the hell else are "those people" qualified to do? It's not like they can aspire to be doctors, electricians, lawyers, plumbers, teachers, computer programmers, or senators - right?

Plus, what red-blooded American won't be thrilled to cast a vote for the one candidate with a real plan to finally end our nation's sad shortage of drug dealers?

Shockingly, but unsurprisingly, no other Democratic candidate on the debate stage voiced any opposition to Sanders' ludicrous and offensive statement. Apparently the party which wants to perpetually keep black Americans on a plantation doesn't care that there's not much difference between picking cotton or cannabis.

BONUS: DON'T FORGET YOUR MASK

For those unfamiliar with the vernacular, a "beard" was a woman who married a gay man in order to help him pass as straight. And if she was really good at her job, she'd also keep the guy from looking like a complete daffodil when choosing bike helmets. Not that we're implying anything about the Obamas, of course.

Especially since the real point of the cartoon is the CDC's potentially life-saving announcement that men need to shave off their beards in order to get a good seal on the antiviral masks which may, or may not, help them avoid becoming infected with the soon-to-be-out-of-control coronavirus.

And while we don't yet have tremendous confidence in the CDC's ability to handle the crisis, we will admit that we were impressed by the highly detailed beard chart they created at taxpayer expense:

Seriously, who knew that facial hair came in styles called the French Fork, Chin Curtain, Balbo, Hulihee, Horseshoe, and Lampshade? And who the Hell do they think they're fooling by renaming the "Hitler" as the "Toothbrush"?!

Personally, we sport a wild and abundant ruff of white whiskers. A look which, in December, people fondly call the "Father Christmas" and the other eleven months of the year call the "creepy derelict." But the sad bottom line is that we're likely in for a close shave soon, and that "Locks of Love" will be wholly uninterested in a donation of our face pubes.

BONUS: NO WAIT, WE MEANT "BONE US"

We have never felt closer in spirit to Ned Beatty's character in "Deliverance" than when we looked at our weeping, dirt-smeared retirement investments on Thursday as they attempted to pull up their torn tighty whities.

We've been prudently stockpiling food, water, medications and more...but apparently we severely underestimated our need for the Costco-sized drum of KY Jelly.

Muh, Muh, Muh, My Corona

Today we're putting politics aside to speak about a genuinely serious issue: the continuing spread of Covid-19 (which we'll also call coronavirus, like everyone else does). First and foremost, we want to emphasize that this is not the time to panic!

(ding!)

Okay, now it's time! Well, not to actually panic - but to take the whole situation seriously enough that you start making some preparations while it's still easy to do so. But first, let's define what we're likely preparing for: not the apocalypse, not zombies walking in the streets, and not the collapse of society. No, those are the things that will happen if Bernie Sanders becomes president.

And here's some good news: even if you get the virus, the odds are wildly in favor of you surviving it. At least, the first time you get it (the next time may cause heart failure, because why the hell not?). But up to 20% of people will get pneumonia which may require hospital treatment, and 3% or more will Bite the Big One which, surprisingly, is not Pete Buttigieg's campaign slogan.

Now here's the bad news: it's a virtual certainty at this point that the virus cannot be contained, and it will be coming to your community. And it's a tricky little bastard! Covid-19 is wildly infectious and can be transmitted from touching infected surfaces or even breathing virus-contaminated air. The virus can be spread by people who are entirely asymptomatic, meaning that they will look, feel, and believe themselves to be healthy as they happily spread an illness which has a 1 in 33 chance of killing the people they interact with. Which also means that you could personally become a "spreader" without knowing it initially, because the virus can remain dormant (but infectious) for up to 24 days (don't believe the 14 day number you've heard - it's wrong, and a lot of people are being released from quarantine way too soon).

Hopefully, effective treatments and even a vaccine will become available - but don't bet on that happening before you suddenly find yourself in a "hot zone" (as is happening in more and more places worldwide. Imagine the surprise Italian villagers felt when they suddenly found their roads blocked by armed soldiers). Rather, we're all likely to be faced with an extended time in which social isolation (voluntary or compulsory) and supply chain disruption (seen the stock market the last couple of days? Yowsah!) is an uncomfortable new norm.

Which is why we're recommending that you (yes you!) lay in some supplies now which could get you through 2-4 weeks. We're assuming that regular utilities will continue to function, so we're really talking about food, emergency medical supplies, stocking up on prescription medications, toilet paper, paper towels and such. Bleach, cleaning wipes, and Purell will come in handy, too.

And booze. Lots of booze. Clan MacGregor, for instance, can be used to disinfect surfaces or as a germicidal to cleanse wounds. And, in event of a real emergency, you can even drink it!

And that's about all we're going to say about Covid-19 for now, because if we haven't convinced you yet to lay in at least a few supplies, we're not likely to change your mind. We will, however, point you to one of the online sources of information we've been following, which has proved accurate, ahead of the curve, and neither falsely inflammatory nor comforting in their daily updates over the past weeks:

Be safe out there, folks! And take comfort from the fact that large gatherings of people (like political conventions) are likely to soon fall out of fashion.

DISCLAIMER: As always, I reserve the right to be wrong - and in this case, I hope I am!

ON THE BRIGHTER SIDE

Readers of this blog will recognize the name of young Lucas Hembree, a terminally ill boy who we've followed online for years, and who has received donations from some of you generous folks. We have a simple request which can make a big impact on the Hembree family.

Lucas is about to have his 13th birthday...an age doctors didn't think he'd reach. And to celebrate, his parents are hoping that they'll get a lot of birthday cards. Cards that Lucas can enjoy on his special day, and which will eventually be a comforting family memorial. You can read a full newspaper story about it here. 

Lucas isn't really verbal at this point, so cards with fun, colorful pictures are best, as are those which make sounds. (Helpful hint: you can get absolutely fine cards at your local dollar store)

Please send cards to:

Lucas Hembree

1454 Mimosa Drive

Louisville, TN 37777

BONUS: FROM THE VAULT

Since we've been a bit light on humor today, we thought we'd revisit this cartoon from a previous disease scare...

Feeling the Bernski

For once, we can't fault his logic

A couple of funny things happened recently, just after the mainstream media's latest round of unsubstantiated accusations that Russia is interfering in our election process by (ahem) "again" supporting Donald Trump.

First, it turned out that Russia is actually interfering by trying to help Bernie Sanders' campaign. Second, Bernie had a surprisingly (indeed, almost suspiciously) large primary win in Nevada thanks to a large plurality of vodka-scented voters.

Of course, the mainstream media is now calling Bernie's win a fake and a fraud, and American intelligence agencies are planting spies in the Sanders' campaign team and opening multiple investigations with an eye towards prison sentences for Comrade Bernie and all of his co-conspirators.

Just kidding! That's what was done to Donald Trump! Instead, Bernie's campaign was politely informed of the possible Russian interference (a courtesy never extended to Trump), after which Bernie blustered publicly that he doesn't want that kind of help and that there will be "big trouble" if the Russians don't cut it out "right after election day."

In other Sanders-related news, once again there's proof of the old political adage: "As goes Danny DeVito, so goes Dick Van Dyke." The beloved (and that definitely includes our feelings for him) 94 year old comic actor has recently been featured in a Youtube campaign ad to address concerns about the wild-haired socialist's advanced age...

Oh, Rob...!

The ad was a little vague about what exactly Bernie will do for people in Mr. Van Dyke's age bracket, but it is thought that in lieu of actual healthcare, President Sanders will send caseworkers to the homes of oldsters "to move those damn ottomans that are so easy to trip over."

Clowns To The Far Left Of Me

Wednesday's Democratic debate was a political cuisinart which pureed the remaining candidates into a delicious smoothie for Donald Trump to sip at his leisure.

The six candidates took turns bashing each other and saying absolutely horrible things, all of which - for a pleasant change - were true. Everyone hated Bloomberg for his wealth and his actual history of getting some good things done as mayor of New York, all of which he's now renounced (the accomplishments, not his apparently endless supply of money).

Elizabeth Warren, apparently too full of firewater, swung her tomahawk at everyone. Bernie Sanders had steam blowing out of his ears when Bloomberg called him a millionaire with three houses and, just for good measure, policies that amount to communism. Pete Buttigieg and Amy Klobuchar attacked each other in a desperate bid to prove that each wasn't the lamest candidate on stage - an effort which both won when they noticed that Joe Biden was, inexplicably, still in the debates.

The DNC can't be happy about this public display of disorganization, non-unity, and whatever the hell the opposite of "charisma" is. It's a bit too early to call, but it's looking more and more likely that the Democrats will end up with a brokered convention in which the eventual candidate is selected rather than elected.

And we don't want to say who that candidate will be, but we think we can hear her having a coughing spell just offstage.

The Road to Hell is Paved

Barack Obama has churned social media (and sent President Trump into another tweet storm) thanks to this absolutely ludicrous post...

That's right, the a**hole is trying to take credit for the Trump economy by simply throwing down a Big Lie and trusting America's demonstrable history-related  amnesia to let him get away with it. But as the saying goes, "Pepperidge Farm remembers...and so do people who were scarred by 8 years of the Worst Frigging President Ever." Which is why we know that he signed the (ha!) Recovery Act eleven years ago...and it was declared a complete failure only one year later (and every year thereafter). 

To prove this point, let's climb into our convenient time machine...

(10/24/2009)


A White House economist has released a news bulletin for the millions of Americans waiting for Obama's $787 billion dollar "stimulus package" to start doing something to help them: "it's already over." If you blinked, you missed it.

Despite unprecedented (and unsecured) government spending, 49 of 50 states continued to bleed jobs as unemployment levels soared to new highs. Put another way, the "stimulus" didn't stimulate squat. Meanwhile, the Whitehouse continues to claim that the stimulus package saved millions of imaginary jobs that "might have been lost but weren't," and also deflected giant asteroids that "could have struck the Earth but didn't."

(10/15/2010)


If it's true that a sucker is born every minute, Barack Obama is not only the "man of the hour," he's quite possibly either the biggest sucker...or biggest con-artist...of the century.

How else to explain his recent admission that "there's no such thing as a shovel-ready project," after spending nearly a trillion taxpayer dollars on these figments of his imagination?

While disappointed to admit that investing in non-existent shovel-ready jobs was perhaps the most expensive financial blunder in history, the president has a number of solid fallback plans with which to bolster the U.S. economy.

He's directed Michelle Obama and "those fat kids" to plant money trees in the White House garden... Obamacare dental clinics are collecting teeth to put under the president's pillow for the tooth fairy... and a nationwide search is taking place for geese which lay golden eggs (although there's concern that members of the president's party may immediately kill them to get the "gold inside.")

And as for the $800 billion spent on shovels, well...they'll soon be used to bury the political careers of a lot of Democrats.

(07/06/2011)


Like Democrats, dogs have a very limited list of possible solutions for all problems. For Democrats, it's demagoguery or tax and spend. For dogs, it's taking a nap or licking themselves. And in many cases, the dogs' options are not only more effective, but trillions of dollars cheaper.

As a case in point, Obama's Council of Economic Advisors just released their report on the president's stimulus bill...apparently unaware (wink-wink, nudge-nudge) that with all of the 4th of July parades, celebrations, and fireworks, and with all the conservative commentators on vacation, their findings would escape close scrutiny.

Obama's own experts found that the government spent $278,000 of taxpayer money for every job "created or saved." Meaning we could have just hired 2.7 million street sweepers for $100,000 each...and we would not only have saved $427 billion dollars, but we'd have streets so clean you could eat off them. Or in this economy, sleep in them.

But the report also notes that the number of jobs "created or saved" by the president's use of a monetary fire hose has recently declined from 2.7 million to 2.4 million...meaning that in the past 6 months, the "stimulus" has actually caused 288,000 people to lose their jobs. And experts speculate that our economy would now be hiring at a faster rate if no stimulus had ever been passed.

But at least spending all of that money felt really good for the president (and surely felt pretty good to all the politically connected types who actually received the money).

Still, for the future of our country, we think the president should replace his current economic advisers with dogs.  

And perhaps take up yoga.

Minimum Rage

It's increasingly likely that Bernie Sanders' least favorite billionaire with delusions of grandeur is no longer Donald Trump, but Democrat Mike Bloomberg who is buying his way into a possible nomination, and stealing whatever else he needs.

In this case, it's Bernie's long promised platform of making the minimum wage $15 an hour - a hugely popular position among the multitude of young Sanders enthusiasts who have enough self-awareness to know that their careers are likely to peak while receiving minimum wage.

Although a late entry into the race, Bloomberg has a real shot at the nomination thanks to his ability to not only buy massive amounts of advertising, but also his willingness to buy endorsements and hire the best political strategists (more than he needs) at high rates just to keep them from working on the campaigns of other candidates.

Of course, Bloomberg isn't the only threat to Bernie's ascendancy just now. The DNC believes, no doubt accurately, that a Sanders candidacy would guarantee another four years of Trump and very likely give Republicans the House of Representatives. Which is why the DNC is bending or breaking all of their own rules in order to grease the skids for Bloomberg.

Plus, Bloomberg may have another surprise for Bernie up his short little sleeve...

People unclear on the whole "heartbeat away" thing...

There are reports that Bloomberg has explored the possibility of making Hillary Clinton his running mate, and neither Bloomberg nor Hillary will firmly deny it.

Frankly, we don't think it's going to happen because Hillary would never settle for being Vice President, and Bloomberg doesn't want to be violently suicided. It's more likely that this "news" has been leaked to tempt diehard Hillary fans to vote for Bloomberg rather than Bernie in the primaries - a nasty trick which fits the modus operandi of both Hillary and the DNC perfectly.

Then again, it's been speculated that Bloomberg doesn't really want the presidency, but desperately wants Trump out of office. Given that scenario, we could see a Bloomberg / Clinton ticket happening, with a tacit understanding between the two of them that Bloomberg would quickly step aside without the need to shoot himself in the back of the head a couple of dozen times.

FROM THE VAULT: PRESIDENTS DAY / TRY THE CROW

The Great White Dope

Following disastrous showings in Iowa and New Hampshire, Joe Biden's political survival now hangs on getting a big win in his so-called "firewall" state, South Carolina, with the help of black voters. The problem is that black voters are starting to ask what the hell Democrats in general, and Joe in particular, have ever done for them?

Moreover, no candidate (and we're including Trump in the mix) has a longer record of casually racist-sounding remarks. How else to explain his description of Obama, back in 2007, as "articulate, bright, and clean"? Or his telling an audience of black mayors that a key educational problem in their communities is that black parents "can't read or write themselves." A gaffe that Biden bounced back from, in his own mind, by proclaiming that "poor kids are as bright as white kids."

And in recent months, everyone - including black voters - has been treated to video of Biden speaking to a bunch of black kids at a community swimming pool and telling him that when he was a lifeguard, black kids would stroke the golden hairs on his legs with wonder - presumably the way the natives of Skull Island considered white woman Faye Wray to be a godlike creature.

In that same visit, Biden told the kids that there were a bunch of dangerous black kids at the pool who were lead by a "tough guy named corn pop" who "kept his straight razor in the rain barrel," but that the way a white guy could intimidate such racial rowdies was by threatening them with chains.

Meanwhile, in his first term, Trump has made America better for all minorities than Clueless Joe has done in a decades-spanning career as a political hack...and the voters he most needs know it. Hopefully, South Carolina will be the firewall that protects us all from race hustlers like Biden.

What he lacks in awareness, he makes up for in enthusiasm

FROM THE VAULT: SHACKLED SHEKELS (February 27, 2015)

Joe Biden hosted a Black History Month event at his residence on Monday ("Try the hors d'oeuvres," he insisted, "They're all made with peanut butter!") and as usual ended up with controversial comments sticking to the roof of his mouth.

After years of hearing that taxpayers want him to keep his hands off their "cotton-picking money," Joe apparently came to believe that the money really is picking cotton, singing spirituals, and being held in slavery by the evil rich.

"This cannot stand!" Biden shouted at the invitees, nearly causing his stovepipe hat to topple. "It's not fair!"

"Business experts are saying that the concentration of wealth is stunting growth," Biden continued in a clear reference to former child star Gary Coleman, "So let's do something that's worthy of emancipation!"

Presumably, Biden's idea of emancipation consists of "freeing" money from the capitalist bastards who actually worked for it and using that liberated wealth for something much more important: the funding of the Left's vast, and nearly inescapable, vote-producing entitlement plantations.

Hope n' Change finds it sadly ironic, especially during Black History month, that when our nation got its first black president, he looked at all the possible contenders for vice president...and chose to pick a ninny.

Thank You for Holding!

The New Hampshire primaries are still going as we write this, so we have nothing to say about the results other than that we hope they can actually get results faster than those received from the lying dog-faced pony soldier precinct captains in Iowa.

In any event, that's why we're just sharing some general silliness today...

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One of the many, many, many things we hate about election years is the unending stream of political phone calls in which volunteers try to talk us out of our time, money, and IQ points. And frankly, we'd like to enjoy a little revenge rather than just hanging up. But, assuming you don't have an ear-piercing boat horn handy, what can you do?

Well, Jarlsberg Enterprises has just what you need! It's our new "Thank You for Holding" recording, and it works like this: when you get a political or sales call, sound very, very interested and then say "hold on just a minute while I find my charge card!" That's when you play this recording into the phone, repeating as often as necessary...

Wasn't that fun?

And now a little backstory. We're always coming up with harebrained ideas for products and projects, mostly just to amuse ourself. This is one of those. The recording above was a simple "proof of concept" for a product which would actually run about 15 minutes, have boring "on hold" music rather than the goofy tune here, and which would very slowly start working in odd messages along with the perfectly straight ones, building in insanity the longer someone listens.

Not only would this be a fun way to get rid of sales calls, but it struck us that we'd also like to be on the receiving end of something funny when an actual company puts us on endless hold. That's where there could be a potential market: customizing and selling to companies to show that they have a sense of humor and care for their customers. Or alternately, that they don't care for their customers and are just assholes. It wouldn't make any difference to us as long as we got paid!

By the way, the operator on the line isn't me...or anyone, really. We just fed the script into a computer program that spits out human sounding speech, and somehow this absurd stuff just seems funnier with a British accent. There's an American female version, too, with different jokes. We're too lazy to build another video, though (grin).

By the way, if there are any app developers reading this who want to make this concept into an annoying smartphone app which would make us mutually wealthy, make yourself known in the comments.

Or give us a call...

From The Vault: Filmy Residue

We're taking the day off, but still wanted to share this old post about our (ahem) "enthusiasm" for the Academy Awards...
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Please tell us you recognize Oscar Wilde...

Sunday sees the annual return of the biggest alleged event in entertainment: the Oscars, wherein the creme de la creme of Hollywood glitterati will be honored for their latest and greatest achievements in hastening the decline of Western civilization.

Along with the awarding of golden statuettes which probably won't be used as sex toys, viewers can look forward to being scolded about the sin of seeing women as sexual objects by women whose actual sexual objects are bursting out of their designer gowns.

There will also likely be more than a few stern words spoken (accompanied by tears after plucking out a nostril hair offscreen) condemning guns by thespians who make millions by pretending to shoot dozens of blood-geysering people onscreen, then retreat to their mansions surrounded by heavily armed guards.

Politics aside, we suppose there might be some recognition of actual artistic merit, but we don't actually care because we haven't seen any of the nominated pictures. Why? Because the whole experience of visiting movie theaters sucks these days.

The prices are insane, there are always going to be 2 or 3 trailers which attack conservative values, and audiences have no concept of how to put their smartphones away and - oh yeah! - shut the hell up while the movie is playing.

Seriously, people who annoy us in movie theaters bring out homicidal tendencies which we're usually pretty good at suppressing. Which is why we weren't entirely without sympathy when reading the recent story of a woman, Shameeka Latrice Lynch, who attended a showing of "Black Panther" and got into an argument with another patron about who had the right to an assigned seat.  When rhetoric failed to resolve the issue, Shameeka hauled a pistol out of her purse and fired a round into the theater's ceiling.

But here's what bothers us: in all of the news stories about this regrettable incident, no one has reported whether or not it was actually her damn seat. Frankly, if some dirtbag was squatting in her reserved seat and refused to move, we think she's got a case.

In any event, this is why we wait for films to reach streaming outlets where we can enjoy them in the peace and quiet of our own homes, except when gunplay erupts over who'll get the best seat. And very rarely, we've even been known to venture out to the local Dollar Cinema (we're a lot more receptive to most movies when we're not out $30 before the show even starts) for the earliest showing on a weekday. Not only are the theaters mostly empty, but the few attendees tend to be retired folks who have the courtesy to either stay silent or simply fall asleep while gumming their popcorn.

So good luck to Hollywood, and may they enjoy their big night and the drug-fueled, sex-crazed parties afterwards. Most of which would probably make for more entertaining viewing than the dreck which actually hits the silver screens.

The Rhett Butler Memorial Dam.

2020 UPDATE: You know that dollar theater we mentioned above? It was "improved" by putting in stupid reclining seats that you have to reserve online, and we're now out of ways to see anything in a theater that Hollywood bothers to vomit in our direction for under $30. We're hoping that following the 2020 election, President Trump can Make Movies Cheap Again.

Window of Opportunity

There's been a lot of news in the last 48 hours, much of which has been absolutely delightful. Topping the list, the U.S. Senate fully acquitted President Donald Trump of the impeachment charges leveled against him by out of control (and beneath contempt) Democrats.

Not that this will really put an end to the animosities in Washington. In fact, everything has been turned up to 11, and we're now seeing (and enjoying!) bareknuckled open warfare between Trump and the Democrats.

As a case in point, following the President's outstanding and inspirational State of the Union address, Nancy Pelosi made a point of holding the pages of the speech aloft and tearing them to pieces...

Not that this hateful gesture made any real impact on Trump...

And so life moves on, with the Democrats now trying to subpoena John Bolton in hopes of starting new impeachment proceedings, and Republicans looking deeper into the Biden family's corruption scandals. Guess which one we think is more likely to pay off?

BONUS: GLASS HALF FOOL

No, you're still just an asshole.

System Overload

There's way too much to comment on today, so we'll just have to give you some short takes.

IOWA CAUCUS SNAFU - Per the cartoon, we think we can blame Democratic mischief and Democratic incompetence for the spectacular fustercluck which was likely intended to produce the credibly faked results that the DNC really wanted. Another perfect example of why Democrats shouldn't be trusted to run anything. Not to mention a great example of which party really interferes with honest elections.

IMPEACHMENT CIRCUS - In his closing argument before the Senate, Adam "Popeye" Schiff actually claimed that if Trump were not found guilty and removed from office, he could give Alaska to Vladimir Putin in return for election interference in November. If Schiff continues snarling and foaming at the mouth like this, we'd advise him to avoid the street on which Atticus Finch lives. Then again, maybe we wouldn't advise him of that.

CORONAVIRUS - We're not panicking, nor do we think anyone else should. But that being said, this nasty virus has gotten our attention and, at the moment, we think the potential gravity of this situation is being severely underreported. We've been following daily Youtube updates at this link which seem pretty substantive...and darned worrisome.

The point currently being made on that site is that this would be a really good time to lay in some practical supplies for your home just in case we all need to go into social isolation (have you seen the pictures of the empty streets in China?) and self sufficiency while this plays out. If you need a starting place for finding out what sort of things are really handy in a pandemic (besides chocolate bars, nylon stockings, and a lot of Clan MacGregor), we found a handy little ebook on Amazon that was free last time we looked. You can get it here - though do make sure it's still free before you get it.

THE STATE OF THE UNION - We're writing this before the speech has been given, so we can't tell you what was in it. But we can tell you what we hope was in it: a complete ass-reaming of all the assembled Democrats who have so thoroughly and enthusiastically betrayed this country and the Constitution...and still failed to bring down the President who'll have plenty of good news to share.

And finally, the only story we really want to talk about today...

The one and only. A magnificent patriot and an inspiration to millions.

On Monday's broadcast, RUSH LIMBAUGH shared the news that he has been diagnosed with late stage lung cancer. We're still in shock and more than a little disoriented. This isn't how the world is supposed to work.

More than ever, we desperately need Rush's clarity of thought, keen analytical abilities, unsurpassed ability as a communicator, his wonderful sense of humor, and the calming influence of his optimism and positivity. His accomplishments and his ongoing importance cannot be overstated.

Rush Limbaugh, through his radio presence, was our personal conduit into the world of Conservative thought. When he first appeared in the Dallas radio market, we heard that he was a whack job and raving wild man of the airwaves. And so we tuned in, expecting an enjoyable freak show. We couldn't have been more wrong.

What we heard on Rush's show was sanity and perspectives we'd never thought about previously. In fact, it was Limbaugh who made us realize that we hadn't really been thinking at all when it came to politics, just acting on feelings and untrue stereotypes. Which is one of the reasons why, years later, we're still blogging to do penance for the many Democrats we voted for when we were young and stupid.

In our home, Rush Limbaugh has become a friend and companion. A constant over the years, and someone who we knew could both enlighten us and simultaneously lighten our burdens.

Rush's cancer diagnosis has hit us hard emotionally, but we're a long way from giving up hope. Limbaugh is a fighter, and we don't believe that we've heard the last from him. He has a rough medical road ahead, but hopefully he will be buoyed by the sentiments and prayers of the millions who love him.

And in the meanwhile, we'll do our best to soldier on right here - speaking truth as accurately as we can while mixing in enough humor to make it go down smoothly. A combination which we definitely learned from the man behind the golden EIB microphone.

BREAKING NEWS: Rush Limbaugh received the Presidential Medal of Freedom at last night's State of the Union Address! What an unexpected and delightful moment.

The Big Game

Controversy erupted Sunday when the results of the Super Bowl, which was widely expected to be over and done with by now, were declared illegitimate by the San Francisco 49ers.

“Our team presented an unbeatable case for the offense,” sniffed 49ers quarterback Jimmy Garoppolo, “and the defense presented by the Chiefs was completely meaningless and, frankly, an insult to the good people watching these historic proceedings on television."

"But what really did us in," Garoppolo continued, "Was the Chiefs' insistence that the game be decided with only our standard number of players on the field when we, and the American people, wanted to call additional players onto the field to help make our case for victory!” 

Chiefs' quarterback Patrick Mahomes said that the case for letting the opposing team call for additional players on the field was unnecessary and a waste of everyone’s time. “Look, everyone already knew what the outcome would be,” stated Mahomes. “Why stretch things out with additional players who have absolutely nothing new to offer?”

Further tainting the results were accusations of misconduct by one referee. “That whistleblower was totally on their side,” accused Mahomes, “but Garoppolo claims he doesn’t know who the whistleblower is and never even met him! Give me a (bleep)-ing break.”

There is no joy in San Francisco.