Friday, July 31, 2020

Fool Disclosure

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Scotch and water, anyone?
It's likely that publishing here at Stilton's Place is going to be a bit more sporadic for awhile, and I want to fill everyone in on what's going on. No need to hold your breath - this doesn't go anywhere particularly bad!

Several weeks ago, Mrs. J injured her back in a freak accident involving maggots and a city trash receptacle (but haven't we all?). We initially thought it was just a strain or sprain, but it wasn't. Rather, it was a compression fracture in one of her vertebra, which has severely limited the things she can do and her ability to get around (she can walk, but not for very long, and can't drive). Additional tests have shown other small fractures which previously hadn't been a problem, and osteoporosis.

She's forced to wear a championship wrestling-style belt/brace, she started physical therapy today, and she'll be having multiple sessions weekly. Other treatment options will depend on what we learn. There will also be multiple doctor visits, scans, tests, and other mischief related to all of this... and, being old farts, we were already doing frequent doctor visits as a form of geriatric recreation.

We're doing fine, but I'm going to be doing a lot of driving, minor caregiving ("peel me a grape!"), and attending to chores that Mrs. J handles when not infirm. And trust me, that's pretty much everything around here! Even with Daughter J's help, we're hard put to keep up!

But of course, that's not ALL that's going on. Covid-19 is still rolling across the nation and doing more damage than is generally recognized. That would be an important topic to talk about, but due to the politics and misinformation, no one really seems open to ideas or new, genuinely scientific information. And without a smart consensus, this plague is a long way from over. Frankly, it's tiring to try to ignore this huge story and find other topics to write about.

Although there are plenty! It's just that they're all depressing as Hell. Seriously, I frequently feel like I'm an older, uglier Charlton Heston and my spacecraft has somehow managed to trap me on the Planet of the Assholes. Preposterously biased "news" reports, Trump's tweets, riots in the streets, a collapsing economy (currently held aloft with imaginary money from the Fed), the unending perfidy of Democrats (between Nadler interrogating Barr and Obama turning John Lewis's funeral into a political rally, I can't even LOOK at these SOB's lately), cancel culture, racial animosity, social media tycoons digitally erasing freedom of speech, a nationwide attack on police officers, etc, etc.

Depending on how ALL the events in my life are going on any given day, these things could quickly and effectively be turned into prickly humor...or they could suck the life out of me for hours as I try to do enough clumsy self-surgery to find my funny bone. I can't really do that and still attend to my most important priorities, so I'm working on finding the best balance.

WHAT'S GOING TO ACTUALLY CHANGE HERE? Probably very little! I'm still as snarky as ever, the world is certainly as crazy as ever, and I really enjoy our interactions here. But for awhile, I'm going to occasionally post things along the lines of "sorry, I can't play today," and I don't want that to take anyone by surprise. I'm not going anywhere - I'm just stretched a bit thin for awhile.

Of course, the best way to know for sure when there's tasty new content on the page is to be signed up on my spam-free mailing list!


Just to say "thank you" for reading this far, here's a lovely sunset I spied from the back yard last night. Idyllic, except for the skeeters, sweltering heat, and the mine field of dog poops...

Wednesday, July 29, 2020

Time Off for Bad Behavior

Remember a couple of weeks ago when we said we were going to take time off to "catch up on things?" Well, that was pretty much a disaster. So we're trying it again for today and Friday.

All is fine - we just need to turn the tide on all of the undone things which are stacking up around here. We'll see you in the comments section - and here's a little foolishness just to say "thanks" for stopping by!

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Monday, July 27, 2020

Guerillas In Our Midst

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Coincidentally, they're also the "Not Fucking Clear On Covering Your Damn Noses" Coalition.
Tragedy rocked Louisville, Kentucky this weekend when three members of the BLM-supporting militia group, the "Not Fucking Around Coaltion," were shot by one of their own members who was apparently screwing around like a "Fucking Asshole," which is a different but ideologically similar coalition with a considerable overlap in membership.

At the time of this writing, it is still not clear if the shooter will be charged with any crimes or simply receive a special commendation for public service.

The group's founder, Grandmaster Jay (who apparently doesn't know the name "master" is potentially offensive), assured the public that his militia's presence is no cause for alarm, that their intent is entirely peaceful and, if they don't get exactly what they're demanding in the next four weeks, that Louisville will be left in ashes because "we are going to burn this motherfucker down."

Should that occur, for the safety of the NFAC's surviving members, we'd like to recommend that they don't ask Dr. Anthony Fauci to throw out the first molotov cocktail...

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Reminder: MLB supports the fight against Dyslexia!

Friday, July 24, 2020

News at Tan

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, tan o'clock news, redskins, wall of moms, BLM, Coronavirus, Trump, masks

In our constant quest to bring diversity to these pages, Stilton's Place has again solicited opinions on topical stories from a variety of women, including women of color. Toasty brown color.

And who can argue with their trenchant insights? For instance, it's actually 100% true that the "Washington Redskins" have officially changed their name to the "Washington Football Team."  Although this represents a new low in sheer gutlessness, we think that the name is still offensive - and not just because of the reference to A) a dead white slaveowner and/or B) a filthy corruption-filled swamp.

Did the owners (and how offensive is that term?!)  give any consideration to the fact that the rest of the world says that "football" means "soccer?" Isn't it time for us to adopt the global standard and call our sport something else entirely? And can we really tolerate the word "team," which is a blatant homophone for "teem" - as in "the wretched refuse of your teeming shore"? Why is anyone still calling immigrants "wretched refuse"?! Seriously, the whole name needs a complete do-over. And while they're at it, ditch the religiously offensive "pigskin."

And speaking of pigs (we are masters of the deft segue), how about the "Wall of Moms" who linked arms in Portland to guard their precious little protest-fascists against the big bad police? These "Moms" claim unwavering and unthinking allegiance to Black leaders, none of whom seem to turn up in pictures of the event.

"If [Black leaders] want one wall of moms, they get one!" said one of the petulant, blindingly-white middle-aged women. "If they want two, they get two! If they tell us to jump, we jump. And if they tell us to leave, we leave." Which we'll bet happens a lot.

And rounding out (rather fetchingly) today's trio of stories, Donald Trump has finally been seen wearing a Covid-19 suppressing face mask. He has additionally tweeted that "in our effort to defeat the Invisible China is patriotic to wear a face mask." That's not quite declaring that he backs the science, but hopefully people who have been reluctant to wear masks in public will now do so in order to keep Donald Trump  from thinking that they're anti-American assholes.


There's really no special significance to this cartoon, but sometimes punchlines come to us unbidden and if we don't get them out of our head, we break out in hives. True story.


We're sad to report that Ol' Remus, the host of the popular conservative blog "The Woodpile Report" has passed away. The blog was a reliable source of wit, information, and analysis. It will be missed.

Wednesday, July 22, 2020

B At Last, B At Last...

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George Floyd did not die in vain. Oh sure, in the wake of his death there have been hundreds of businesses burned to the ground, dozens of monuments defaced, tens of millions of dollars in property damage, multiple murders, a skyrocketing increase in crime, and greater racial animosity dividing the nation than we've seen in half a century.

But it's all been worth it, because the Associated Press has announced that they have changed their internal style guide and will now always capitalize the word "Black" when used in the context of race and culture. The AP did not comment on whether capitalization will apply when "black" is used in the context of historic plagues.

Interestingly, the AP has also announced that they won't be doing the same for the word "white," because "white people suck." Okay, that's not how they said it, but the inference is clear enough. In the words of the New York Times, "white doesn't represent a shared culture and history in the way Black does."

Which is undeniably true unless you count picky little things like the Magna Carta, the Renaissance, and the founding of Western Civilization.  Although, based solely on having a shared culture and history, it will probably still be okay to capitalize "White Trash."


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In what's being touted as an historic event, the Man Who Lives in Biden's Basement addressed a group of 3,000 people during a Muslim American Advocacy event to solicit their votes in November.

Biden spoke passionately about Islamaphobia, the need for a Palestinian state ("Maybe Idaho"), and the enormous contributions of Muslims in fighting the coronavirus pandemic - presumably by ordering their women to keep their faces covered for another thousand years.

Perhaps thinking fondly of the black children who so loved to stroke his leg hairs, Biden said: "I wish, I wish we taught more in our schools about the Islamic faith. What people don't realize is...we all come from the same root here." He then started chuckling, wiggling his eyebrows, and repeating "come from the same root" Beavis & Butthead-style until his chair was kicked from offscreen.

While Biden didn't make many actual policy statements, nor prove he was wearing pants, he was very clear about one thing: "If I have the honor of being president, I will end the Muslim ban on Day One. Day One."

We assume that, in Joe's mind, he means that Muslims will finally be able to use the same Ban (or any deodorant of their choice) that other Americans use.

Monday, July 20, 2020

Useless Money-Saving Tips!

If Indiana Jones was lashed to a pole just as a current news broadcast was about to open, he would surely scrunch his eyes shut and shout "DON'T LOOK AT IT!!!"

Which is why I'm skipping all of that topical stuff (hey, who wants a melted face?) and am instead sharing something (hopefully) fun out of my files.

In this case, we're traveling back in time to 1980, when the nation was caught up in an energy crisis. A major public utility company hired my Dad and I to create a comic piece about energy conservation which they could put in their consumer newsletter, thereby making it less likely that said consumers would storm their offices with torches and pitchforks. Although my Dad was the more experienced copywriter, he let me do most of the writing while he created the cartoon illustrations.

It was a delight for me to share a project with my Dad, and a nice bonus to get paid actual money for just making up ridiculous stuff. My career path was set.

Some of the cultural and technical references are a bit dated, 40 years later, but most of the tips are every bit as practical and useful now as they were then. Which is to say...not very.

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We've been hearing that the odds are getting better for Elizabeth "Princess Running Gag" Warren to be selected as Joe Biden's VP choice. Which would make her, we guess, the "Tepee VP"...

We're skeptical, since Biden has all but promised that his candidate will be a woman of non-assumed color and #BlackVotesMatter, but anything could happen. Which is why we're revisiting this possibly prophetic cartoon from the old Hope n' Change days!

Friday, July 17, 2020

A Little Horseplay

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After skinning our knee pretty spectacularly a few days ago, we've been reminded of the old adage about scabs: if you pick at it, it won't get better.

Wisdom which we thought we'd also try applying to the news today: if we don't pick at it, maybe it will eventually get better.

Wednesday, July 15, 2020

Lame Ms.

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In a tense world of ever-growing threats, it's good to know that we can still count on unintentional comic relief from New York congresswoman Alexandria Ocarina-Quartets!

The far, far, far Left congresswoman is well known along with Ilhan Omar, Rashida Tlaib, and Ayanna Pressley for being part of a radical group called "The Squat" which meets, appropriately, in adjoining lady's room stalls.

But acting on her own, the once-and-future bartender recently hosted an online town hall meeting during which she was asked about New York City's sudden and dramatic rise in violent crimes...

"Maybe this has to do with the fact that people aren't paying their rent and are scared to pay their rent," she replied in a sentence only intelligible to Joe Biden. "So they go out and they need to feed their child and they don't have money so...they feel like they either need to shoplift some bread or go hungry."

Which would have been a perfectly good answer if Jean Valjean was in the midst of an extended murder spree or if the city was wracked by violent mobs of #BreadLoavesMatter agitators. But because neither of those is the case, it seems more likely that the congresswoman simply pulled the reply from her derriere in order to characterize violent criminals as innocent victims and responsible parents, while not mentioning New York City's defunding of its police force and the city's "catch and release" measures which put criminals back on the streets as quickly as possible.

Both of which policies, we're sure, the congresswoman considers to be the best things since sliced, albeit stolen, bread.

Monday, July 13, 2020

An Easy Commute

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Last Friday was "a day which will live in infamy" for Leftists - who are likely unaware that the phrase has been used previously. In this case, it refers to President Trump's "Executive Grant of Clemency" commuting the sentence of former presidential advisor Roger Stone Jr - one of the higher profile prosecutorial victims of the Russian Collusion Hoax.

Those on the Left are fearful that if not kept in jail for life, the 67-year old Stone will embark on a wave of crime: setting buildings on fire, looting stores, strapping on a gun and claiming an entire urban neighborhood, toppling statues, defacing public monuments and, in his spare time, shooting dozens of black men, women, and children in Chicago.

Just kidding! The Left is actually totally cool with all of those things! What they're really afraid of is that Roger Stone will serve as a living reminder of their coup attempt and the corrupting of our nation's intelligence and law enforcement agencies.

And speaking of political dysfunction...

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"There was this guy called Cornhole who was fascinated by the golden hairs on my legs..."
Joe Biden has announced his own plan to "Make America Great Again But Not A Donald Trump Kind of Great," which boils down to this: "buy American."

By which we assume he means to buy any of the literally dozens of products still made in our country, as opposed to actually buying an American the way Ukranian energy company, Burisma Holdings, bought Joe Biden by funneling money to his son, Hunter.

Friday, July 10, 2020

Still Playing Hooky

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Another cartoon sketch by my Dad
My "week off to relax and catch up on things" hasn't really played out that way. Life, in its puckish way, has served up a series of minor emergencies and distractions which have left me frazzled and even further behind than I was before!

For example, our refrigerator broke down (in Texas, in July) and so I had to scramble to get a new one without actually venturing out into the world of possible plague-carriers. I finally found a good one online that got delivered today, but I discovered it's a HUGE amount of work (Mrs J was already on the "injured reserve" list) to get all the crap out of one refrigerator and repack it into another before everything rots.

And amazingly, even though I didn't materially help the guys installing the new refrigerator, I still managed to need a weed whip to help make it happen (to uncover the water shutoff to the house), tore the skin off my knuckles (shutting off the water), then later pitched myself wildly and clumsily into the street, ripped my pants and knee open, and sprained a wrist. It's a long story, but the short version is this: I suck at taking time off.

But now I have ice for my well-earned drink.

On the plus side, ripped jeans are stylish - right?
See you in the comments section!

Wednesday, July 8, 2020

Stilton Waters Run Deep

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I'm still doing the "staycation" thing this week, but didn't want anyone to show up here without getting something for their effort. And so, here is another old cartoon that my Dad did about 70 years ago.

Meanwhile, what little we've seen of the news still pretty much stinks. Want to talk about it? The comments section is open for business!

Monday, July 6, 2020


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Want a print-worthy copy of this picture? Download it at this link!
We're taking the week off (unless even MORE crap somehow hits the fan) to enjoy the creature comforts of home and catch up on a backlog of chores that has gotten a little out of control. Not that we're deserting you entirely as the world descends into madness - the comments section will be open as usual and we'll be participating there as much as possible.

All is fine - we're just way overdue to catch our breath!


Hopefully you all downloaded your free copy of "Johnny Optimism - Volume Two: Laughter is Debased Medicine" over the weekend. If so (or even if not), we'll again mention that any and all reviews on Amazon will be extremely helpful in making sure that the book turns up in search listings (ie, harder for Amazon to bury). Also, please keep reviews "politics free" because Johnny has problems enough already.

Incidentally, during the book giveaway it reached the impressive #2 position in "medical fiction," being topped only by some goony romance book which has nothing to do with medicine. And really, does the world even need another romance book?! There are millions of them...but only two Johnny Optimism books! This is the sort of injustice that drove Papa Hemingway to home dentistry.

Friday, July 3, 2020

4th of July - Land of the Free (Book)!

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What better way to celebrate the 4th of July than with a red, white, and blue book that's free? To celebrate the release of Johnny Optimism's second mega-collection, I'm giving the Kindle version away absolutely free on Friday July 3, Saturday July 4, and Sunday July 5th.

Note: before ordering, be sure the price shows as free (and not just "Read for Free" with Kindle Unlimited)! Instead, you want to buy the book for $0.00.

You can read this immense treasury of humor on any computer, smartphone, or tablet - just download the appropriate free Kindle reading app from Amazon at this link. And reading on even a small device doesn't stink, because I fiddled around with the book's code to embed an "easy reading" mode: just turn your device sideways, tap on any page, and you'll suddenly see just one cartoon at a time at a size which won't make you go blind! Tap on the right to go to the next cartoon, or tap on the left to go backwards.

There's also a beautiful paperback edition available for just $5.99 with free Prime shipping. No respectable bathroom, coffee table, or doctor's waiting room should be without it! (And Volume One is still available too, at $5.99 for either the print or Kindle version)

A Special Favorafter downloading the book, I'd really appreciate any reviews you'd care to post on Amazon. Amazon promotes (or demotes) books based on their popularity and reviews, so it really makes a huge difference. And reviews can be short and sweet - just a sentence or two! But please don't mention politics in your reviews - Johnny's got enough problems already!

Please feel free to share this link to the free Kindle book with family, friends, on social media, or with whomever is in the hospital bed next to yours - but remember, this 4th of July freebie is only available Friday, Saturday, and Sunday!

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Wednesday, July 1, 2020

Roberts Rules of Disorder

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The Pro-Life movement suffered another setback on Monday, when Supreme Court Justice John Roberts sided with the court's liberal wing to strike down a Louisiana law that said abortions could only be performed by doctors who had admitting privileges at nearby hospitals.

The court's liberals, among whom we can certainly count Roberts at this point, found that the law could make it more difficult for a woman to exercise her Constitutional right to abortion (a right which we wish the court would circle with a yellow highlighter, because damned if we can find it in there). They also declared that there was "no medical benefit" for a woman getting quick hospital  treatment in case her hoo-haw was geysering blood and her own organs, rather than those of her child, were skittering across the floor.

Interestingly, an almost identical case had previously been decided by the court, and Roberts had voted that the law was just fine and shouldn't be overturned (although it still was).  Which is why it was surprising that he completely flip-flopped his vote this time, while saying that he still thought he was right the last time. He changed his vote only because precedent had already been set, and he didn't want to mess with precedent even if it means raping the Constitution a little.

Then again, rape is no big deal in a country that makes access to abortion easy by stripping away protections to make it safe.

And speaking of safe, we still aren't here in the United States of Confusion when it comes to coronavirus and  Covid-19...

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"It's okay, folks - she's a patriot!"
We've about given up hope that our nation will really be able to get this virus under control, mostly because the simple measures needed to reduce transmission have been hopelessly bungled, distorted, lied about, and politicized.

So just let us vent for a moment and share some truisms which you're free to believe or not:

• We are not starting a second viral wave. We're still near the beginning of the first wave.
• People can be entirely asymptomatic and still spread the potentially deadly virus to others (and yes, Typhoid Mary felt fine for the years she spread her illness).
• Any mask is better than no mask.
• Wearing a mask will not make you sick or cause you to hyperventilate (although fear might, so calm the heck down).
• Individual virus particles are small enough to travel through masks. Virus particles wrapped in snot and saliva - which is to say MOST of them - can not.
• If virus particles DO enter your system, the fewer you get initially, the greater the likelihood that you'll have a less severe case (starting with a lower "load" gives your body more time to gear up for the fight).
• There are no really good remedies or treatments for Covid-19 yet, although some helpful meds are being looked at.
• Of those hospitalized for Covid-19 and eventually released, as many as 50% are still suffering symptoms - including severe symptoms like chronic "10 out of 10" pain and brain injuries - which may be permanent.
• "My mask protects you, your mask protects me." This is a fact. And the only one that can possibly restore a bit of normality to our daily lives.
• "Opening up" doesn't mean it's free-for-all time again. It means SOME business can occur again if (and only if) people take the important and logical measures of wearing masks and observing social distancing.
• There is no guarantee that an effective vaccine will be found.

And there's more, but the bottom line is: put politics aside and, for now, wear a mask whenever you're mingling with other people in public. Other countries are doing it and it works. We did it here during the Spanish Flu and it worked.

Besides, keeping up to date with good pandemic procedures may be even more useful in the near future...

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, swine flu, china, pandemic

Yes, those happy-go-lucky Chinese have announced that a new flu virus with "pandemic potential" has popped up and may soon be winging its way to our shores. Because while pigs can't fly, swine flu most certainly can.

This being a "new" virus, there is - again - no human immunity, and the virus has already jumped from porker to person in at least two cases.

Although if China is admitting two cases, God only knows how many people have really sprouted curly tails and are currently shnuffling amongst tree roots for truffels.