My hip replacement surgery on Tuesday went fine and was relatively pain free until the spinal block wore off when I returned home (the same day!). Using this method, hospitals cleverly avoid scaring off potential patients who get nervous when hearing screams of agony.
Okay, "agony" is overstating the case, but "hurts like a sumbitch" hits it right on the nose. Of course, the hospital sent me home with lovely parting gifts, including a variety of narcotics. And they also sent me home with one really awful piece of advice; post-surgery I asked the discharge nurse if I needed to be on a liquid diet afterwards, and she assured me that I could eat whatever I wanted. And, like a moron, I did.
Interesting factoid: significant anesthesia tells your bowels to stop working, and follow-up narcotics remind them not to come back online. Which means after several days, you've got a rock hard loaf of pumpernickel where you really, really don't want it. But no problem - if you can't get things moving yourself, you can go to an emergency room (which I haven't!) where they can open things up with fire hoses and barbecue tongs and perhaps a ferret who has lost all self-respect.
So I'm definitely behind schedule but at least have modified my diet, hydrating, and doing other things to lighten my load, as it were. Plus, my physical therapist today gave me the ultimate solution: one half cup of prune juice, one half cup of sprite, microwave for 45 seconds, then squat atop a Harris/Walz campaign sign. Okay, I threw in that last part, but I'm definitely trying that cocktail as soon as my prune juice gets delivered. Although in keeping with the season, I suppose I should also add some pumpkin spice.
But wait! While impressive, that wasn't my biggest moron move! In reviewing my pain status a few hours ago (I scored a 7 while the goal is 5 or less) the therapist discovered that the list of my pain medications was not moron-proof. I had never taken any of my primary anti-inflammatory medication, which is why my stupid leg feels like it's filled with cobra venom. Oh, I was taking the narcotics to reduce pain and bathroom motility, but the main pain killer? Naaaah!
But assuming I haven't done anything else stupid (which I don't assume) the next few days should be better than those I've experienced to date. I'm able to get around with a walker, albeit not quickly, and spend a little time at the computer even though it's not an optimal position for me to be in. And daughter Jarlsberg is taking excellent care of me, including giving me looks of consternation for screwing up my meds.
On the plus side, I'm getting a handicapped placard but for some reason they want me to keep it as close to my brain as possible.
CORRUPTION WITH ALL THE FIXIN'S
And this just in: Joe Biden has given his son, Hunter, a blanket pardon for any and all crimes he's committed in the past ten years. Including, we well know, being "The Big Guy's" drug-addicted, sex trafficking, international front man and pimp when collecting bribes for Joe to sell out our country's interests.
Sickening? Yes. Surprising? Not in the least.
Trump's inauguration can't come soon enough.
