Monday, December 2, 2019

The Tooth Hurts

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, terror, london bridge, narwhal, tusk
Soon to be a delightful children's book!
Help came in a most unexpected form last Friday, when a knife-wielding terrorist on London Bridge was repeatedly jabbed with a five foot narwhal tusk - keeping him busy until police could arrive on scene to end the incident with a highly satisfying use of boomsticks.

For many people, this has raised serious questions like "what the hell is a narwhal" and "how soon can we get more of them on the streets?"

Per the illustration, a narwhal - sometimes called "the unicorn of the sea" by people who apparently don't have any idea what a horse looks like - is a medium-sized cold water whale that has a long, pointed tusk (technically a canine tooth). And while we desperately wish we could say a narwhal suddenly leaped out of the Thames, Seaworld-style, to skewer the (ahem) "radical Islamist" and then be rewarded with some raw fish, the reality is that the tusk was pulled from a display and used as a weapon by one of two men (the other used a fire extinguisher) who ran towards danger and fought the maniac until police arrived.

We're not really expert on all the fine print in the Koran, but we'd like to think that when a terrorist is killed while being prodded with a narwhal tusk, his eternal reward will be 72 sea urchins rather than virgins.


stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, biden, suck, fingers, malarkey, creepy
Finalist: Creepiest Candidate Ever
We're not even going to try to say anything about this picture to make it more idiotic or repulsive than it already is. If you're looking for an explanation, well, it's Joe Biden gumming his wife's fingers for the same reason that some people climb mountains: because they were there.

The picture was taken at an event on Biden's wondrously-named "No Malarkey" tour which, hopefully, begins with an explanation of what "malarkey" means in the highly unlikely case that anyone in the crowd is below Medicare age.

Presumably, in the same tour, the eternally youthful and "with it" Uncle Joe will also be proposing newfangled ideas and no lollygagging when it comes to helping hornswoggled voters who won't put up with any more tomfoolery.


Sortahwitte said...

I don't know much, but I would guess the next time the narwhal tusk is needed that it and the fire extinguisher will be found screwed to the wall much like we are.

It would seem that slow joe and goldigger are playing a game we used to call "smell my finger". That's not even remotely related to a game that's played with the grandchildren called "pull my finger".

Hawken Cougar said...

I suggest that we take up a collection to pay a graffiti artist to rebadge the bus as "The Malarkey Express", because Joe's earned it.

Jim G. said...


Even you could not have created such a photo that truly captures Joe Biden at his best (er, worst). Perhaps this is normal behavior at the Biden household, but on the campaign trail....well, that really is "malarkey"!

Pat Cummings said...

I suspect it's "malarkey" because the "No Bullshit" motto was already taken, and had more than a tinge of orange about it anyway...

Mike aka Proof said...

No wall today equals narwhal tomorrow!

REM1875 said...

Where the hell did he find a couple of non-muslims to stab in Londastan ???

Pretty sure after this the police in Londastan will be rounding off the tips of narwhal tusk.

REM1875 said...

I am Irish and American and I am 'of a certain age' (through no fault of my own) and have been warned my entire life to give no one any Malarkey repeatedly (perhaps for some reason I was told this much more so than others) so it's not new to me but to help those new to the term - Malarkey - means bunkum .........glad I could clear that up for y'all ....

Jim Irre said...

Really? Stabbed with a Narwhal tusk? You're kidding, right? I gotta pay more attention! Maybe instead of 72 Sea Urchins he could receive 9 Octo-pussies!

Brie Camembert said...

At least that particular terrorist won't be around any more thanks to Herr Heckler and Herr Koch.

Bobo the Hobo said...

That photo of Uncle Joe is right up there with Dukakis in the tank

SpectreRider said...

Good to see that publishing photos of dem presidential candidates sucking on a spousal extremity is fair game. Just in case it comes up again.

Geoff King said...

Biden's tour may contain no malarkey, but what about poppycock and balderdash?

WDS said...

Forget the jab jab stuff. Bang Bang means you don't have to get so close that you can smell the POS. As for Biden, just remember he was ONE STEP AWAY from the briefcase with the nuke codes for eight years. Think about that.

Average Joe said...

That's why slow Joe was chosen as VP, so no one would even consider any action that might put him in the White House. After him would have been even more frightening.

Glenda T Goode said...

The Narwhal tusk just proves the need for personal carry firearms. They could not have subdued the attacker safely with anything that put them close to him. 5 foot pointy thing or a fire extinguisher. Neither are convenient to carry. A glock or SIG. Well, sure.

I am not sure why Biden is still in this primary race except maybe for comedic relief. It seems like every day he does something that is more groan worthy than the day before. At some point out of pure pity, someone has to end Joe's 'Dementia 2020' tour and send him to the nursing home.

M. Mitchell Marmel said...

@Glenda: Because the DNC wants someone stupid and easily controlled. Just like their voters. And you are spot on about Glocks, SIGs, Brownings, Colts, even Hi-Points...

Rod said...

It's bothers me a little that I fully understand everything you wrote today.

TrickyRicky said...

@Rod- Especially the entire last paragraph, which was worth the price of admission.

Rod said...

@ Tricky: Yep. It was a masterful throwback to much much younger days when one first wonders (cleanly) "What are they saying?" (I had learned to cuss a little bit from Dad & Grandpa, but I was not allowed.) And no one had any good answers, or maybe they were worn out on all my questions Whippersnappers and knuckleheads just had to figure it out like they did.

Regnad Kcin said...

What about Lizbo Warren and her "Sketchy Shenanigans" platform ? And Kamala with her "Jumping Jabberwocky" campaign ? And, least of all, Butti-plug with his "Nattering Nabobs" followers.......

MattyVac said...


DoulosDS said...

Got this link in an e-mail:
Man Eats Expired Food for 365 Days. This Is What Happened:
I sent it to my kids, who think they have to throw out anything more than a day older than the "Best by: date."

Anonymous said...

They were fortunate to find a fire extinguisher and narwhal tusk because their Mooslum mayor already banned anything that could be used a weapon making it less likely that his brother terrorist would get caught.
As for Joe, do we really want a dementia patient having his button on the nuke codes? He may think he is playing checkers and kill half the planet.

Greywuff said...

I'll just leave this here.

Velveeta Processed Cheese Food said...

Then there's this take on the word:

Serious question: Is anybody else having trouble with UBoob lately? For me, it started degrading about six months ago, and for the last six weeks has gotten notably slower and non-responsive day by day. It can take up to five minutes to get a vid to play, and even then I can't scroll down the comments. I occasionally get a message blaming my Internet provider (admittedly Frontier), but the thing is if a UBoob video is embedded on another site, it starts instantly and plays fine. Apparently there's something mind-bogglingly inefficient about how they assemble all the other crap on the page. And don't get me started on their personalized "recommendations," especially since they did a redesign a few days ago.

Old 1811 said...

"Satisfying use of boomsticks" is right.
My wife heard me laughing and said, "What are you watching?" I said, "I'm watching the bobbies shoot the terrorist."
The warning on the video said "Graphic Content." I never knew "graphic" meant "laugh-out-loud".

Velveeta Processed Cheese Food said...

Also this take:

David in SoCal said...

In the aftermath of the London Bridge terror attack, I am now worrying/wondering how in Hades I'm gonna comply with Commiefornia D.O.J. rules, and be able to keep my 'assault style' 5# Fire Extinguisher, and my 'more than 10 jab capacity' Narwhal Tusk. Guess I'll hafta move to Arizona where my Extinguisher/Tusk rights are welcome.

Funny how Dumb-Drunk-Touchy-Feely-Creepy Uncle Joe was suckling on Jill's finger; I had him pegged as a toe sucker. How ironic he kicks of his 'No Malarkey' tour with:.....MALARKEY!!
Funniest thing about his new/improved campaign tour,(besides the finger fettishing), is there were only about 200 Biden sheeple in attendance.

John the Econ said...

Well, the solution is obvious. Britain needs common sense narwhal tusk control before more honest citizens notice their practical utility against multiculturalism.

Speaking of:

London Bridge attacker boasted about his UK benefits while plotting ‘Mumbai-style attack’

What could possibly be less sane than flooding your country with people who have nothing but a violent contempt for you and your culture? Or less sane than letting the ones that have already tried to kill you out out of prison to try again? How about literally paying them to sit around and continue their plan to kill you?

It's hard to imagine that less than a century ago, Britain used to rule most of the civilized world. Today they're taxing their honest citizens to pay for terrorists to do anything between lounge around and killing them while suppressing the honest citizens.

This is what socialism begets in but a few short generations.

Biden Sucks: If this were any one else (or at least a non-Democrat) there'd be endless rounds of experts on the talking head shows explaining this transparent pathology in professional terms. You'd assume that a guy on a "No Malarkey" tour who has no doubt been briefed countless times by his army of highly paid consultants that this sort of behavior in the wake of #MeToo was seriously bad optics would cut it out. But obviously he can't. He literally cannot contain himself.

Seriously, this is the best the Democrats have to offer America?

Shelly said...

Check this one out. This doddering old fool is their front runner.

Colby Muenster said...

Thanks Stilton! Two, count ‘em, TWO examples today of truth being stranger than fiction. Could we have ever predicted that terrorists would resort to knife attacks after the big gun grab in Britain? Yes, yes we could have. I can only assume that, if some Brit pulled out a hog leg and shot that basturd, the Bobbies would have arrested the guy for possessing a gun.

Nobody in Britain can go bang-bang anymore, so jab-jab and spray-spray are all they have left. Which begs the question, how long until they enact tusk control? And I’m not much of an Obama fan, but I’ll give him this: he apparently was smart enough to hide that briefcase from Joe because WW3 has not happened yet. “Ooooo…! What’s this pretty red button do?”

@Glenda T Goode,
Joe is still in the race only because of the other options. Hard to imagine, but maybe he’s the adult in the room? Give me shivers to think of ANY of them gaining control of the White House, especially Joe B.

Colby Muenster said...


Makes one wonder. Perhaps he's the front runner because he's not promising to tax the snot out of everybody and blow the money on making everybody drive coal powered cars.

Anonymous said...

Biden's mind has gone cookoo for Coco-Puffs. Just off the rail. I would genuinely not be surprised he didn't pull open his coat and yell "I'm Buck Naked !!" ala Hill Street Blue's police TV show many years ago. :^0

That boy needs a shock collar is all I'm saying - Bad Joe - BAD !!

Old Cannonballs said...

I wonder how long it will take the English to institute "assault narwhal tusk" control.

Bobo said...

Let’s not forget Scandamiles, Scalawags and Raggamuffins.

Studebaker Hauk said...

If you've had to listen to "Creature Report" at the "dinner" table for a year from a 3yr old grandchild's iphone then you KNOW what a Narwal is. Personally, I think that's a mispeling, but at any rate (in a fake British accent) "Well done, noble Narwal!"

As for Unk's "tour", all that's missing is Mickey Rooney and Judy Garland jumping on stage and declaring to the "crowd": "C'mon everybody! We gotta help Old Joe! Let's put on a show!! (followed by tap dancing).

Old Cannonballs said...

That photo of Gropin' Joe is almost perfect. Absolute perfection would be if instead of nibbling on his wife's fingers, he would have been slurping on those of a young female voter displaying a deer in the headlights look, or of a pretty intern, or even Elizabeth Warren!

Dan said...

I've watched a lot of Robin Hood/Sherwood Forest type of movies over the years. Are quarterstaffs still legal in Britain? Would they be valid as a walking stick?

(And by Robin Hood/Sherwood forest stuff, yes, I mean Daffy Duck.)

igor said...

Eschew obfuscation, Stilt. Please.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Sortahwitte- I wouldn't be surprised to see the anti-gun crowd start railing against anything pointed and all blunt objects.

@Hawken Cougar- I swear that when I first saw his bus, I thought it had been vandalized. The design was primitive and the phrase nonsensical. But noooOOooo, it's the real thing.

@Jim G- Indeed, I couldn't have concocted a better image than the picture of Joe gumming Jill. It's perfect.

@Pat Cummings- And is "malarkey" really a big problem these days? Seriously, someone is making big money to advise Biden - and doing a crappy job of it.

@Mike aka Proof- That absolutely belongs on a bumper sticker.

@REM1875- Apparently there are a few infidels left, though I have no idea why they've hung around. I always had "visit England" on my bucket list. It's still on a list, but one that only sounds like "bucket."

@Jim Irre- Well, as long as the math works out...

millard fillmore said...

TO Biden from Laura Nyro:'Goodbye Joe'.

John the Econ said...

Seems that the Babylon Bee sees the same problem I do, and is ready with satire before the reality/satire inversion makes it real:

Narwhal Tusk Surrender Bins Installed Throughout The UK

LONDON—Parliament announced Monday the installation of new narwhal tusk surrender bins throughout the UK after a citizen was seen attacking an austere religious scholar using one of the deadly weapons.

Citizens are to return their dangerous narwhal tusks to the anonymous surrender bins immediately.

"Don't make a fuss -- surrender your tusk," said MPS Commissioner Cressida Dick in a passionate plea for Londoners and those in other UK cities to surrender their sharpened tusks. "We have seen the damage these can do when a peaceful member of the religion of peace is just trying to spread his peace in peace. We must make London safe again by giving up all our mammalian tusks to the government."

Dick also reminded citizens that elephant tusks, rhinoceros horns, and porcupine quills are all dangerous, deadly weapons that just might get up and attack somebody on their own. Citizens are encouraged to take their sharpened animal horns that they are forced to defend themselves with in the absence of guns, knives, and any other pointed objects, and drop them in the bins, "no questions asked."

"If you see something, mate, by Jove, say something, cheerio," she said.

NVRick said...

Read @SpectreRider,and try not to think about Mayor Pete.

KanB said...

I'm a little late to the party here but I'm curious how a narwhal tusk got into this episode. Do they have a "Narwhal Tusk Concealed Carry" policy in Jolly Old England? Or perhaps red "Break Glass in Case of Emergency" narwhal tusk boxes throughout the city?

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Brie Camembert- I really, really enjoyed the "boom! boom!" that took the bastard out.

@Bobo the Hobo- Of course, unlike the Dukakis photo, the creepy pic of Joe sucking his wife's finger will never be seen on mainstream media.

@SpectreRider- Was that a crack about Buttigieg? (grin)

@Geoff King- Exactly! Everything is cattywampus!

@WDS- Thinking of Biden with the nuclear codes makes the hair on my legs stand on end.

@Average Joe- I agree. Nobody would want Biden in the Oval Office.

@Glenda T Goode- Before you dismiss Narwhal tusks as being hard to carry, consider how much easier they are than wielding a whole Narwhal. (grin) As far as Biden still being in the race, apparently a lot of it comes down to the fact that he's the only candidate who appeals to black voters, owing to his association with Obama (not that Obama seems willing to admit it these days).

@M. Mitchell Marmel- I agree that Biden will do whatever his bosses tell him to, as long as he gets a treat and a leg rub afterwards.

@Rod- That's how I feel most of the time...!

@TrickyRicky- Granted, it's a very modest price of admission around here (grin).

@Rod- Damn, how did I miss referring to whippersnappers?!

@Regnad Kcin- The power of alliteration can not be underestimated.

@MattyVac- And humbuggery!

@DoulousDS- Those of us who are old enough to be passing our OWN expiration dates have learned not to fret about the ones on canned goods.

@Anonymous- I'm assuming that if Joe were elected, the nuclear "football" briefcase would be a dummy. Like Biden.

@Greywuff- Yay! Narwhals!

@Velveeta Processed Cheese Food- I haven't been having trouble with Youtube, other than seeing political ads for people I detest.

@Old 1811- Yeah, I watched the "boom, boom!" part about 10 times. It wasn't actually graphic in terms of what you saw, but rather in the reality of what was transpiring. And I laughed when the asshole got it, too.

@Velveeta Processed Cheese Food- How I love the Babylon Bee!

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@David in SoCal- I'm pretty sure if the founding fathers guaranteed our right to "bear arms" that they'd also be cool with "whale tusks."

@John the Econ- Despite finding a bit of humor in the Narwhal situation, it's heartbreaking that the UK has allowed itself to go to Hell by inviting and coddling terrorists.

@Shelly- Amazing.

@rickn8or- Well, it's a little funny. Then again, I'm not quite right in the head that way.

@Colby Muenster- Sadly, I'm sure a "good guy with a gun" would have been arrested.

@Anonymous- Funny you should mention "Buck Naked." I'm considering doing a repost of something from 2014 in which it was revealed that Secret Service agents were disturbed by the then-VP's habit of swimming...buck naked.

@Old Cannonballs- I'm sure they're already on it.

@Bobo- Okay, both Google and I drew a blank on "Scandamiles." What the heck does it mean?

@Studebaker Hauk- I just hope that narwhals don't get hunted to extinction now that everyone knows how useful their tusks are.

@Old Cannonballs- I wish you hadn't given me the mental image of Biden sucking Warren's finger. I may have to start drinking early today...

rickn8or said...

"Before you dismiss Narwhal tusks as being hard to carry, consider how much easier they are than wielding a whole Narwhal"

"It's my Emotional Support Narwhal and I demand you accommodate me!"

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Readers- Yikes! I'm too behind to respond to all of the comments, but I'm reading and enjoying all of them!

Marty in Iowa said...

Being a fan of The Ed Sullivan Show (google it, younguns), I think SlowJoe may have just gotten a treat for doing a trick correctly.) I suspect animal acts are illegal now, so this could be Joe's undoing.