Stall Warning

In stunning medical news (for which I should have requested a generous government grant), it turns out that morons suffer significantly more from routine surgery than other folks do. I know, I know, I'm as shocked as you are - but based on my scientific sample of one patient, it's true.

My hip replacement surgery on Tuesday went fine and was relatively pain free until the spinal block wore off when I returned home (the same day!). Using this method, hospitals cleverly avoid scaring off potential patients who get nervous when hearing screams of agony.

Okay, "agony" is overstating the case, but "hurts like a sumbitch" hits it right on the nose. Of course, the hospital sent me home with lovely parting gifts, including a variety of narcotics. And they also sent me home with one really awful piece of advice; post-surgery I asked the discharge nurse if I needed to be on a liquid diet afterwards, and she assured me that I could eat whatever I wanted. And, like a moron, I did.

Interesting factoid: significant anesthesia tells your bowels to stop working, and follow-up narcotics remind them not to come back online. Which means after several days, you've got a rock hard loaf of pumpernickel where you really, really don't want it. But no problem - if you can't get things moving yourself, you can go to an emergency room (which I haven't!) where they can open things up with fire hoses and barbecue tongs and perhaps a ferret who has lost all self-respect.

So I'm definitely behind schedule but at least have modified my diet, hydrating, and doing other things to lighten my load, as it were. Plus, my physical therapist today gave me the ultimate solution: one half cup of prune juice, one half cup of sprite, microwave for 45 seconds, then squat atop a Harris/Walz campaign sign. Okay, I threw in that last part, but I'm definitely trying that cocktail as soon as my prune juice gets delivered. Although in keeping with the season, I suppose I should also add some pumpkin spice.

But wait! While impressive, that wasn't my biggest moron move! In reviewing my pain status a few hours ago (I scored a 7 while the goal is 5 or less) the therapist discovered that the list of my pain medications was not moron-proof. I had never taken any of my primary anti-inflammatory medication, which is why my stupid leg feels like it's filled with cobra venom. Oh, I was taking the narcotics to reduce pain and bathroom motility, but the main pain killer? Naaaah!

But assuming I haven't done anything else stupid (which I don't assume) the next few days should be better than those I've experienced to date. I'm able to get around with a walker, albeit not quickly, and spend a little time at the computer even though it's not an optimal position for me to be in. And daughter Jarlsberg is taking excellent care of me, including giving me looks of consternation for screwing up my meds. 

On the plus side, I'm getting a handicapped placard but for some reason they want me to keep it as close to my brain as possible.

CORRUPTION WITH ALL THE FIXIN'S

And this just in: Joe Biden has given his son, Hunter, a blanket pardon for any and all crimes he's committed in the past ten years. Including, we well know, being "The Big Guy's" drug-addicted, sex trafficking, international front man and pimp when collecting bribes for Joe to sell out our country's interests. 

Sickening? Yes. Surprising? Not in the least.

Trump's inauguration can't come soon enough.

Hip, Hip, Away!

Tomorrow (Tues 11/26) is the big day that I go to the hospital to have them rip my leg open, snap my hip out of its socket, chainsaw the bone, ream a new socket into my pelvis, then use a shiny hammer to pound a big titanium spike into the exposed marrow of my recently decapitated femur, wedge everything into place, and then say "Wait - we were supposed to do his left hip?!"

At the ripe old age of 72, this will be my first surgical experience though, sadly, not my first hospital experience. If you know, you know - but I'm still getting weekly PTSD treatments because of what my late wife, Kathy, went through. But I'm also sick of hobbling around like an old man and, even worse, starting to think of myself as an old man. So this will hopefully be a good thing and an opportunity to get more material for Johnny Optimism.

And what better time to be incapacitated than on the cusp of World War III? Seriously, could Biden's puppet masters be trying any harder to get Putin to lob a hypersonic nuke in our direction? As I've speculated before, the only logic I can see for it is to provoke a declaration of martial law under which there won't be a transfer of power to Trump. Sure, it sounds far-fetched - but not as far-fetched as the swampy power-mongers saying "well, we lost the election fair and square so we won't do anything about it."

Not that everything will magically be better under Trump (though I'm hopeful that big, positive changes are coming). Most recently, I'm pained to see Trumps nomination of Dr. Janette Nesheiwat to be Surgeon General. Dr. Nesheiwat believes the Covid (not quite) vaccine was "a gift from God." This is squarely at odds with my personal desire to see everyone involved with the virus and the "vaccine" lined up against a wall and getting a mandatory shot, if you take my drift. No boosters will be required.

But in positive medical news, Planned Parenthood is reporting a 1200% spike in vasectomy appointments, no doubt because Leftist ladies deprived of casual abortions have told the (ahem) "men" in their lives "No  Snip, No Snatch." Which would actually make a darn good bumper sticker. I wonder if Planned Parenthood is buying? And should Planned Parenthood release a Christmas song called "Sliver Balls?" I tell you, there's money to be had here.

As I fully expect to be on heavy narcotics for the rest of the week, let me take this opportunity to wish everyone a wonderful Thanksgiving. I am genuinely thankful for each and every one of you. Your friendship and kindness mean more to me than you can know.

A little heavy on the stuffing there, big fellow.

Violin Rhetoric

It's Mourning In America

Do you hear that shrill, high-pitched sound in the distance? It could be the world's saddest song being played on the world's smallest violin, but it's more likely the keening wail of Leftists who are distraught that Kamala Harris could not snatch victory, so to speak, based solely on her race(s), genitalia, and an odd conviction that people are fascinated and inspired by long-winded stories of being raised in a middle-class family.

The pain these people are experiencing is very real, and you should definitely not be laughing over it here and here. If you must laugh, you have permission to laugh at this...

All (well, most) kidding aside, I hate the fact that many people I know - good and intelligent people - are suffering because they've been media-trained to believe that Trump is Hitler, Democracy is over, and that MAGA stormtroopers will soon start the pogroms on Leftists, women, and minorities. All while laughing evilly. "Bwaa-ha-ha!" will ring throughout the land.

And in complete disregard of the Paris Climate Accord, the Trump administration will be polluting our dwindling supply of clean air with the black smoke cascading from the high-capacity ovens the Orange Man will be building using stolen Social Security funds.

This is pain that need not exist which is being intentionally inflicted on well-intended Americans by the media and their string-pullers. And that's not right. It's cruel and makes a mockery of "fair" elections. And I'm hoping that somehow, something can be done about it under the new administration. 

Unlike those on the left, I am against any limits on Free Speech and know that "misinformation" can't be pinned down or controlled. But what we've been seeing for a long time goes beyond that, with multiple news outlets phrasing their lies and insinuations with precisely the same language. That coordinated effort is not so much a Free Speech issue as a potential RICO violation.

How to handle it? I don't know. But even Leftists don't deserve the psychological tortures being inflicted on them from what they believe to be their own side.

Peeking? Duck!

Here we finally are at (almost) Election Day. Which means that today, Monday November 4th, is likely the last normal day we're going to see for a long, long time.  Because, if it hasn't already by the time this is published, the sh*t is going to hit the fan in a very, very big way...

It's a good time to get into the umbrella business

Election Day itself is unlikely to resolve anything or even pick a winner between the experienced and successful former President and the certifiable blithering idiot (with a Vagina Of Color!) whose current administration has done almost irreparable damage to our nation...and is hungry to do more.

The media and Leftists have primed much of the electorate to believe the Trump is Hitler incarnate and his voters are KKK members on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, and Nazis on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays. On Sunday, of course, they go to church and handle snakes, speak in tongues, and roll around on the floor hoping that their concealed firearms don't start shooting spontaneously.

Okay, I put that in a funny way (I can't help myself) but there's really nothing at all funny about it.  Much of the American public on the Left has been fully indoctrinated with hate and stoked to such a fearful fever pitch that they are ready to embrace violence of any amount committed in their names if it will help "save Democracy" from...um...election results.

If Trump wins, all hell is going to break loose. And if Trump loses, there's likely to be some hell-raising too, albeit of a legal and non-violent nature, since he's basically running against a Macaw that has only learned about four phrases to cackle loudly and unpredictably.

But of course, it's not that simple. Kamala the Kommie Kandidate is irrelevant. Trump's real battle is with the Deep State power brokers who will not easily give up their preferred ways of doing dirty, highly profitable business. The media, the intelligence agencies, the DOJ, and more. All will be fighting Trump and undermining him to an even greater degree than in his previous administration.

Make no mistake - the Deep State wants Trump dead and certainly seems to be pulling the strings to make it happen. And they thrive on chaos and are expert in creating it; don't be surprised by sudden military actions overseas, terrorist attacks, health scares, power outages, rioters in the streets "mostly peacefully" burning down buildings...and if those buildings are filled with "Nazis," well, so much the better. As long as the "garbage" people go into the ovens, then it's cool, right?

Big things are brewing. I'm no more of a nut that I ever was (discuss among yourselves), but I've laid in some extra food, water, batteries, and toilet paper (there's never enough toilet paper in post-apocalyptic scenarios) in case of (ahem) "disruptions" coming our way.

I care deeply about the results of this election. But I've got a nagging worry that we're all sitting on an enormous powder keg...and November 5th is the day the fuse gets lit.

Spoiler alert: there are no winners in this scenario

Holiday Put On Ice

 First, a little something from the vault...

"Columbus Day" is now widely called "Indigenous Peoples Day," and even more widely called "White Shame Day" because so few people can spell indigenous. But it underscores the point that it is wrong for foreigners to come unbidden into a settled land, displace those who were already there, and destroy the existing cultures and institutions of its people.

Unless, of course, they're currently flooding across our southern border or being flown in, packed on cargo planes, by Joe Biden and Kamala Harris. And once here, they (checking Indigenous People Day grievances) "bring disease, exploit resources, commit acts of violence, and assert rights denied to those who already lived here."  You know, like those filthy Pilgrims did.

Or at least like they would have done, had their small wooden ships been capable of transporting millions of newcomers every year.

THE SENSELESS AND THE FROG

Depending on who you believe, it looks like Donald Trump is pulling ahead in the polls as time ticks down to the election. To help combat that, VP candidate Tim Walz has been assigned to "woo male voters" by gamboling about the countryside pretending to do "man's man" kind of things and failing hilariously.

Frankly, if you're trying to win votes with your ripping masculinity and unfathomable testosterone levels, you probably shouldn't disclose that your wife required intrauterine insemination treatments to get pregnant. That's a procedure in which the husband's sperm is delivered using a catheter that can actually go deep enough to get the job done, which apparently wasn't the case with whatever Tim brought to the party.

And if you're on a tour presenting your manlihood, so to speak, it's probably good to do so when there isn't a credible story being investigated about molesting underage boys when you were a schoolteacher. 

So with all that baggage, about the only thing Tim Walz can do to woo male voters is to demonstrate his working class, tough guy, hyper-heterosexuality using his body language.

Then again...

The Clump / Headless Debate

Admit it, I came awfully close to predicting "Harris"

I apologize for my relative silence lately. Oh, I'm fine (other than an upcoming hip replacement surgery) but the "news" is so stupid and aggravating that I risk an aneurysm any time I give it more than 30 seconds of attention.  I swear, if I hear Kamala bring up her "middle class background" one more time, my head will explode.

Which is more or less what happened to the protagonist of my 2009 novel "CLUMP: An American Splatire." A huge, heavily-muscled mystery of a man with no head and no awareness of his surroundings. His headless condition doesn't keep his handlers from making him into a huge celebrity entertainer (while hiding the little secret that he'll beat to death anyone who touches him). And eventually (spoiler alert!) the headless, clueless Clump runs for President.

With obvious parallels to the brainless Kamala Harris, let's look at what a Clump campaign add looked like:

Emotionally stirring music played as the camera tracked up a grassy hill where Americans of every type were standing, looking directly at the camera. The old and young, the rich and poor, the black and white.

"Most politicians," said a warmly accessible voiceover, "don't care what we the people have to say. They make promises, then break them. And they tell lies. But one candidate is different. Very different."

At the top of the hill, the camera finds a lone man wearing a well-tailored suit and an American flag pin. A man with no head. 

"Clump never lies," said the voiceover announcer. "Clump never makes promises he will not keep. Clump is not against anything that you are for, or for anything you are against. And because Clump is entirely poll-driven, his voice is..."

"My voice," said an elderly black woman.

"My voice," said a uniformed policeman.

"My voice," said a goth chick.

"My voice," said a bank president.

"My voice," said an attractive Latina.

"Your voice!" shouted the hillside of people, pointing at the camera as it zoomed past them to find Clump standing tall and proud, fists on his hips like Superman.

"Clump," said the announcer as the music climaxed. "Sticking his neck out...for you."

Okay, that already sounds more substantive than anything Harris is airing. But of course, handling the media is a job that both Harris and Clump delegated to sneaky specialists...

It was Heidecker who had created a war-room of bloggers to secretly feed misinformation and rumors to Internet chat rooms. 

Heidecker's bloggers planted damaging lies about Clump's opponents, weaving lurid accusations from a Heidecker-approved list of words which included incest, lubricant, chickens, cocaine, kiddy-diddler, transvestite, felch, hooker, ball gag, traitor, coprophilia, snuff film, anal fistula, wide stance, murder scene, smegma, raincoat, kickback, sheep, Thailand, fisting, fishhook, nipple, vomitorium, gerbil, flesh-eating syphilis and, most damning of all, "big pharmaceutical companies."

But above all, the true genius of Heidecker's campaign strategy was that it offered what voters prized above all else: simplicity. No confusing points or platforms. No moral shades of gray. No lectures about economics, geography, or history. No matters of life and death.

"We are living in post-intellectual times, yes?" Heidecker said to his campaign staff.

But surely a literally brainless candidate would never get very far, right? Right...?

Pundits and politicos who dared to bring up Clump's headless condition were pilloried as being insensitive by advocacy groups for the differently abled. Angry speeches on Clump’s behalf were even made in Congress by members who had lost limbs in various wars, and resented the notion that a man's merit should be judged by his number of extremities.

Clump's history as an entertainer was also taken off the table as an attack point because the Republicans had previously elected actors like Ronald Reagan, Fred Thompson, Clint Eastwood, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Sonny Bono. 

On the Democratic side, they couldn't criticize a “brainless entertainer” without alienating 99% of their all-important Hollywood donor base.

Thank goodness in our current election, we have valuable real world methods for sorting out our candidates and testing their knowledge and mettle. Debates, for instance, could never favor anyone who was dead from the neck up. Then again...

At the televised Presidential debates, Clump absolutely destroyed the concentration of his opponents. 

Each time Clump was asked a question, the camera sat on him for three interminable minutes as he gasped, swallowed, drooled, and rolled his tongue.

This made the other two candidates into nervous wrecks who stammered during their own answers and actually jumped away from the lecterns if Clump took a step in their direction. Which Clump frequently did, thanks to the remote-controlled shoes operated by a campaign assistant.

Whenever one of the other candidates actually made an intelligible remark of any kind, Clump was given 90 seconds for rebuttal. On the few occasions Clump produced audible bon mots like "Gaaa!," "Akkk!," or an explosive fart, he received thunderous applause from his supporters in the audience.

In all seriousness, none of this is more ridiculous or frightening than the spectacle unfolding in front of our horrified eyes right now. I'm certainly not the first to observe that satire has gotten very difficult to write because reality, such as it is, has become so preposterously stupid that it's hard to top. Harris and Walz are blithering idiots, media-wrapped in the Emperor's New Clothes. 

I wonder if this is how George Orwell felt?

Word War II

Apparently, the rule about "one bottle of water" had some wiggle room 

On Tuesday, September 10, we'll finally see the great debate between Donald Trump and Kamala Harris. An epic confrontation which will at last answer the question on everyone's mind: is it even possible for that whiny, nasal, cackling female hyena (with the sporadic Stepin Fetchit accent) to get out a cogent sentence that makes sense? At least when her boss was onstage, he made it damn clear that he beat Medicare.

Kamala's people are already laying the groundwork to explain her likely failure by saying that the debate rules, which were specifically demanded by Joe Biden, will disadvantage her. For instance, she'll be handicapped by the fact that Trump's microphone will be turned off while she's speaking, raising the very real danger that people will hear what she's saying. Additionally, there will be no studio audience to cheer riotously when Kamala mentions her love of Venn diagrams, yellow school buses, the difference between being strong and being a bitch, soaking collard greens in her bathtub, and her promise that someday children will be able to see the moon with their own eyes.

Still, it's likely that Harris will get an eensy-weensy iota of help from the ABC moderators when it comes to the questioning. Having previously stated that she intends to confiscate guns, pull the plug on free speech, and outlaw fracking, we'll all be leaning in to our TV sets when she's finally put on the spot and asked what her favorite color is. Trump, on the other hand, will be asked if he's given up rape during the campaign, why he wants to destroy democracy, and how long it will take him to grow a little Hitler mustache. There is also an unconfirmed rumor that while he's answering, the moderators will take shots at Trump's ear with BB guns.

And speaking of shots, let's each knock back a drink every time Kamala uses the phrase "convicted felon" on Tuesday night and see if we're still conscious by the end of the debate. Or want to be.

FROM THE 2020 VAULT: AGING RACIST TEAMS WITH SKANKY WOMAN OF COLOR!

History was made Tuesday afternoon when Joe Biden's hand, resting limply on a Ouija Board planchette, was aggressively guided to a picture of Senator Kamala Harris - thereby making her the official Democrat candidate for vice president of the United States.

Of course, when drummed out of the actual presidential nomination process, Harris said it was because Democrats (those misogynistic racist bastards) just weren't ready to vote for a "strong woman of color" - a trend which we hope to see repeated in November.

She also wasn't shy about accusing Biden himself of a long, long history of racism...



While none of the finalists on Joe's potential VP list were any good, we have to admit in complete honesty that we find Ms. Harris the most odious of the lot. Even her nomination is a sad day for our nation.

Reading Club (With Spikes On It)

Don't panic, it's just another pen name

I've been remiss about commenting on the news lately because it's all so exasperating, preposterous, and staged. Truthfully, I don't have the emotional stamina to put up with it. And yet, I love talking to everyone here and I need to post something. And so today is the day I'm finally unveiling my one-and-only novel and, for a limited time, making it free on Amazon kindle (or any computer, tablet, or phone with the free Amazon Kindle reader app).

Here's the book description from the Amazon page:

Clump is a man with no name, no past and, most importantly, no head. The huge, heavily muscled giant is unaware of the world around him, but improbably becomes the most popular entertainer in America. Clump's unscrupulous medical and media handlers work desperately to manage his skyrocketing career and wholesome, family-friendly public image...while concealing the inconvenient fact that the headless man is homicidally dangerous when touched.

A so-called "splatire" owing to the mix of razor-sharp comedy and graphic violence, CLUMP's satiric targets include the entertainment industry, medicine, journalism, mega churches, corporate greed and ineptitude, politics, and a morally vacuous culture that increasingly and enthusiastically embraces the brainless.

This scathingly hilarious novel is not for the faint-hearted, the thin-skinned, or the unadventurous but is an all-you-can stomach buffet for those who like their comedy dark and their social commentary barbed.

Wow! Sounds great, huh?! But the buying public hasn't managed to discover the book in the past ten years (and some readers who did discover the book were appalled). So "CLUMP" is buried so deep in the Amazon algorithms that it usually won't turn up even if you search for it by name. I'm hoping to change that by having a bunch of people download the book for free. And I'd love honest reviews, too (that don't mention this blog or "Stilton" or other clues that would lead the FBI to my door).

But fair warning: despite being a very funny book, it's also sporadically horrifying and politically incorrect in a spectacular variety of ways. If I was big enough to be cancelled, this book would do the trick!

It wasn't my goal to shock, but I absolutely was willing to shock in pursuit of truth. Because that's what satire does, and "splatire" even more so.

"CLUMP" has F-bombs the way Colonel Sanders has fried chicken: an unending supply in spicy and extra crispy varieties. There is violence, rape, cruelty, sexism, and other sins galore. But all in the interest of (my) truth and dark humor. Very, very dark humor. And despite being a decade old, you'll find it surprisingly timely in the context of current events.

So let me be very clear: I'd really appreciate it if you download the book (and feel free to share the link with friends who won't know what hit them) but you don't have to read it. Obviously, I'd like people to read it and hopefully enjoy it or even write a short review. But if you're already reaching for a barf bag in the first 20 pages, just walk away slowly - it only gets more intense. And better.

Here's a quick taste test - the opening paragraph: "Rita Romero Gonzaga Gonzales had fabulous breasts. They were large, natural, mocha brown, and not covered in blood yet."

The e-book of CLUMP: An American Splatire is FREE for Kindle (and devices using the free Kindle app) from Friday, August 30 until Tuesday, September 3rd. (Discount begins at 12 am Pacific time) Make sure it says "$0.00" before hitting the buy button, and make sure that it's not just showing "$0.00" for Amazon Unlimited customers, which is a whole different deal. There's also a beautiful paperback edition suitable for classing up coffee tables, bookshelves, and bathrooms! 

Live And Impersonator

The Trump vs. Harris debate is coming soon, and the two camps are already preparing for battle. In order to sharpen her rhetorical skills, Harris is said to be doing practice debates against a comedian who is also a skilled Trump impersonator. And frankly, I'd give one of anything I have two of to be able to write lines and insults for that man to use in the practice debates.

Kamala: I'm unburdened by what was.
Stand-in: You're unburdened by a quart of Jack Daniels.

Kamala: I will enact price caps on goods and services.
Stand-in: And that's why they call you Commie Lie Harris. Commie. Lie. Harris.

Kamala: Donald Trump is a convicted felon.
Stand-in: You laugh like a Batman villain. Seriously, it makes you sound crazy. 

Kamala: I'm focused on the future.
Stand-in: Because your past has been a terrible, terrible disaster for all of us. Terrible.

Kamala: I'm a proud black woman.
Stand-in: Remind me - what are the seven principles of Kwanzaa that you and your Indian family always celebrated in Canada?

Kamala: I will continue the policies of Joe Biden.
Stand-in: Do you mind if I use that in a campaign ad?

Kamala: You're Hitler!
Stand-in: You're the one in favor of killing Jews. So wrong. I think you're a Nut-zi.

Trump will surely be practicing for the debate too, but it's doubtful that he'll need a Kamala double to spar with. After all, unlike Harris, Trump fields aggressive questions from the press every day. He already knows how to respond to every accusation and insinuation. And he damn well knows the difference between "joyful" and "nuts"...

LOVE AT FIRST SOUNDBITE

While largely dismissed by the news media as an ineffectual, cackling annoyance, Kamala Harris is now truly, deeply loved and worshipped as a genius and gifted leader by all the talking heads and political parasites. So much so that they're crooning this sweet song...

 

Face The Music

Kamala Harris has chosen Minnesota Governor Tim Walz to be her running mate in the upcoming election, and voters are excitedly proclaiming "Who the hell is that?!"

And the answer is he's a white guy from the Midwest and the Harris team thinks he'll bring in votes because, well shoot, you can't count on flyover country to vote for a radical Black woman, right? Also, they like the symbolism of a white man being seen as subordinate to a (vaguely) Black woman. If Kamala had chosen a Samoan lesbian in a wheelchair the optics just wouldn't have been as tasty.

Walz is, of course, screamingly liberal and enjoys outdoor activities like watching BLM burn cities down while on his watch. He was late calling in the National Guard, and then allowed his daughter to "leak" the security plans so rioters would know which areas to avoid. And there's more damning stuff, but there's no need to list it here. We all knew he was a horrible candidate and a horrible human being when Kamala rightfully thought he belonged on her team.

But thinking of the HARRIS - WALZ signs we'll soon see sprouting up in yards everywhere, it struck me that there was something rather musical about that combination of words.

And so I modestly present "The New Harris Wal(t)z"...

I have no idea if this video will play correctly. Here's hoping!

Who's Laughing Annoyingly Now?

Sadly, their new slogan "Two C**ts At Once!" didn't test well.

"Joe Biden" has officially stepped down, though we'd be very surprised indeed to learn that the real Joe Biden knows anything about it yet. In fact, if they surround him with ice cream and teleprompters, he'll probably continue to believe he's president for the next four years even if he's strapped to his bed at Happy Acres Senior Center.

"Joe" has endorsed Kamala Harris, as have other top democrats who won't mind seeing Trump forever erase her from the national stage. Mind you, that doesn't officially make her the candidate yet, but since she's the only one who can keep the Biden/Harris campaign money and, importantly,  is Black (Jamaican), Asian, and alleged owner of a vagina (Willie Brown can only verify that she has gums), it's impossible for the Dems to replace her without admitting that she's a twit, Joe's a vegetable, and who the hell was really running the country into the ground for the last four years?

Kamala's VP pick isn't yet known, but if it's Hunter Biden, millions of dollars of signs won't need to be reprinted. Still, I'm betting heavily in favor of Secret Service Director Kim Cheatle. Who, coincidentally, may be available to take on a new job as soon as today! She has a brilliant job history of making DEI hires, economizing on protection details, and is wildly popular among Democrats for being the woman who has come closest to taking Trump out of the race. The electoral race and the human race - take your pick.

Kamala Harris could pass some of her responsibilities to Cheatle very easily. For instance, Kamala has been in charge of securing our border and Cheatle has almost exactly the same ability (and same success record) in security. Bonus - rather than building expensive walls at the border, she can authorize a long line of gently sloped roofs to repel invaders. Kamala has also spent these last years being America's AI Security Czar, but I highly doubt that she or anyone else remembers that.

As of this writing, there is no update on what Jumbled Joe Biden himself plans to do when his term runs out - assuming he hasn't first destroyed the world by drooling on the nuclear "football" with the launch codes. There is some speculation that Biden will concentrate mostly on wandering aimlessly (Dr. Jill will be less inclined to call him back), sniffing children real or imagined, and assisting with the plans for the soon-to-be-built Biden Presidential Bribery Library. It may be a national embarrassment, but at least it's fun to say!

If I had a real work ethic, I'd be selling these

FROM THE VAULT

In Kamala's Venn diagram, what Slick Willy and Willie Brown have in common is a willy.

Cameltoe Hairless?

Although not officially confirmed at the time of this writing, it sounds like Joe "I Beat Medicare" Biden is going to announce that he is stepping down from presidential candidacy, perhaps in the next day or two (if it hasn't happened already when you read this).

Subtle hints that this might happen were picked up by the same Sherlockian sleuths who miraculously deduced that Jeffrey Epstein would be on the receiving end of a faked hanging in a maximum security prison. Which is like a regular prison, only with gently sloping roofs so that criminals dare not climb them to attempt escapes. 

In this case, those paying very, very careful attention noted Biden's complete inability to express cohesive thoughts, his halting, zombie-like gait, his fascination with looking at air molecules, and the fact that Pelosi, Schiff, Obama, and the Clintons have recently been seen wearing togas and carrying knives.

On Wednesday, "Biden" tweeted that he would only consider stepping down in the event of a medical necessity.

On Thursday, "Biden" tweeted the two-word message "I'm sick."

So today, or soon, expect "Biden" to tweet "Last night I passed away in my sleep."

And wow, THIS two-year-old post certainly seems relevant again...

FROM THE VAULT - July 22, 2022  

Will you ever forget where you were and what you were doing the moment you found out that Joe Biden, alleged president of the United States, has Covid? Because I've already forgotten, no doubt because I filed the information in the ever-expanding drawer in my brain that's labeled "Who Gives A Crap."

Although that's not quite accurate with Kamala Harris lurking in the wings, only a heartbeat away from being the most idiotic dunce to ever hold high office. And in making that assessment, I'm including a lot of inbred royals over the centuries whose major accomplishments were developing hemophilia, growing webbed fingers and toes, having single-digit IQs and a thousand-yard stare, and farting in the bathtub and snapping at the bubbles while slapping their hands together and barking like a seal.

But by some madness, we may be only days away from Kamala Harris becoming President of the United States. Which raises the terrifying question of who she would choose as the new Vice President? After all, the Vice President's most important job is to make the actual President look less like a moron by comparison, and Kamala Harris was already on a list of only one who could fulfill that role for Joe "Where Am I?" Biden. So who or what could make Harris look good by comparison?

According to our inside sources, this is the short list of candidates being urgently vetted by Democrats...

And so the nation holds its breath, waiting to see if Joe Biden will recover. Although doctors assure us that there's very little chance of Mr. Biden developing "long" Covid, as he can't possibly be long for this world whatever happens.

Trigger Warning

Thank God, Trump is still alive. Sadly, a former fire chief who shielded his family with his own body is not. Nor is the rooftop shooter, who an eyewitness descriptively said had "his head blown off." The killer was identified by his DNA. And further investigation will find a lot of fingerprints on that trigger.

And we already know who those fingerprints belong to - political figures and a mass media that have been tireless in painting Trump as a monster, a dictator, a racist, and a literal, apocalypse-bringing Hitler who needed to be "eliminated" at all costs. When implication wasn't enough of a call to action, many of these people called outright for Trump's assassination. Which is about the only "free speech" the Left really approves of.

Did the shooter believe himself to be a martyred hero who would rid the world of Hitler 2.0? And if he believed that's who Trump is, then every person who fed the lie had a finger on the trigger.

This most certainly includes Joe Biden and those around him. The ladies of The View. Adam Schiff. Joy Reid. Rachel Maddow. Hell, everyone on MSNBC. And hundreds if not thousands more. There was a tacit understanding that for a dementia-ridden Biden to win, Trump had to die. And so the Left's hyperbolic scare-rhetoric was consciously created and constantly repeated in order to find a shooter.

Yet somehow, this screamingly obvious situation was not taken seriously by Kimberly Cheatle, the director of the Secret Service (formerly the security chief for Pepsico, tasked with keeping Cheetos executives safe) who repeatedly denied requests from Trump's protective detail asking for more personnel and support as they were undermanned for the job.  It would be wrong to assert that Cheatle wanted Trump to be assassinated, but it would be ludicrous to suggest she wasn't amenable to the idea.

Although he hesitated to call the shooting an "assassination attempt," Biden has subsequently called for a full and robust investigation to be conducted by all of the alphabet agencies who have previously betrayed Trump, repeatedly lied their asses off to the American people, and participated in the coup to remove him from power in 2020.

At the time of this writing, new details keep coming in - many of them highly disturbing. There is a lot of information still needed for us to really process the gravity of this moment and the influence of the forces that inevitably brought it about - and to inform the actions we should take to insure that those accountable face justice.

Flight Risk

The nation was recently shocked by Joe Biden's debate performance and the realization that his empty head and gaping maw are likely not useful for anything other than becoming a Section 8 beehive. However, it now seems that we have again been fooled by our lyin' eyes and that there was a perfectly valid reason for Joe's performance. In fact, we're now hearing lots of reasons from very authoritative sources!

We can start with the assertion that Biden was suffering from a cold that evening. Granted, colds don't usually turn people into zombies with glazed eyes, but Dr. Anthony "Mass Murdering Sonofabitch" Fauci declared that Biden was probably just high on cough medicine. Especially if he found it in Hunter's medicine cabinet.

Many Biden staffers are attributing the Hindenburg-sized debate disaster to jet lag, which is well known to turn healthy people into shambling, clueless mental patients. This theory is bolstered by the fact that Biden had recently flown overseas to be embarrassing in front of the G7 folks, and only had a fleeting 12 days to recover.

Biden himself claims his problem was a lack of sleep and jokes that "I almost fell asleep up there." Yeah, Joe - you just looked sleepy. But to avoid such difficulties in the future, Biden has announced that he will no longer stay up after 8 o'clock. Unless a really good episode of "Matlock" is on TV.

Personally, I think Joe was simply being clever about alternately mumbling or letting his mouth hang open like the door of a cuckoo clock so that the people who put those wonderful "Bad Lip Reading" videos on Youtube wouldn't have anything to work with. 

But whichever explanation proves to be right, we can all be absolutely sure that Joe Biden is still just as mentally fit as he was the day he was sworn in. God help us.

THAT HAS A FAMILIAR RING TO IT...

I continue to experiment with AI, songwriting, and video in order to keep my brain supple and free from age-related jet lag.

For a couple of decades, I had a cute hook for a country song bouncing around in my head and I finally wrote it up, used AI to generate the music (and a semi-realistic looking singer), and was pretty happy with the final product. Although a bit of that feeling faded when my brother pointed out that country legend George Jones had recorded a hit with the same bit of wordplay eons ago. Oops.

But the song is still a fun one (especially compared to the George Jones version) and I hope you'll enjoy it!

Biden's Path To Victory

Joe Biden's political future is still open, much like his gaping mouth and the zipper on his pants.  But Democrats still think that it's critical that he beat Donald Trump in November, due in no small part to the Supreme Court's decision that it's perfectly okay for presidents to do absolutely anything. A situation which would almost certainly make Trump into a modern, blood-drinking, all-powerful orange Caligula.

The Supreme Court decision did not, of course, do anything remotely like that. Only idiots would think otherwise. But the Venn diagram showing "idiots" and "liberals" overlaps so much that it looks like a single circle.

Based on the Court's decision, The Huffpost has declared that Biden can now legally murder Trump, others have suggested that Joe Biden use his presidential power to fire cruise missiles into the conservative Supreme Court, and "wise Latina" Justice Sonia Sotomayor has declared that the ruling means that a president is now a "king above the law." A chilling warning that reminds us that we really shouldn't give lifetime appointments to nitwits.

With so much hysteria in the air, many Democrats are reasserting their intent to vote for Biden even if he's legally shown to have the mobility of a barnacle and the mental capacity of a sponge cake. But to accomplish this, it's critical that the public now see as little of Joe as possible to prevent further damage. A point made ever so clearly by this recently released video from the Democrat National Committee...

Ups and Downs

You've got to give it to Joe Biden - when he falls down he gets right back up and explains to the officer who tackled him that he was only checking the little girl for head lice. And isn't that the kind of fighting spirit we need right now?

Apparently, there are still people who think so.  Joe is already back on the campaign trail, alternately shouting and whispering whatever is on his teleprompters. Among the claims he's making is that his debate performance actually won over more independent voters than Trump got. And oddly enough, it's true.

Or at least, true-ish. Newsweek, which we didn't know existed anymore, trumpeted the headline "Undecided Voters Say They Now Support Joe Biden After Debate" and it's being tweeted by the Biden-Harris team. But Not The Bee, the funny, truth-telling partner website of The Babylon Bee pulled back the curtain on the story. Newsweek was citing a single poll of just 12 (count 'em!) undecided voters who were not native English speakers. No, really. They couldn't understand anything either candidate said during the debate so just read subtitles in Spanish, and God only knows what was being written there:

Trump: I'll execute all the Hispanic men and rape their wives and daughters.
Biden: I'll give them each a million dollars and make siesta time longer.

At the time of this writing, Joe Biden is sequestered at Camp David with Dr. Jill, discussing with advisors whether he should stay in the race or be released on a nice farm where he can wander to his heart's content and frolic and be happy. 

Or at least, that's the story the party bosses will tell the kids...

No Mo "Fo Mo" Fo Joe

The first, and quite possibly only, presidential debate for 2024 is over and there was an indisputable winner: the Democrats.

Not because Old Joe did well, because he certainly didn't. The man basically sh*t the bed on live TV. He lacked energy, had a weak and hoarse voice, and mumbled, stammered, and mangled words and ideas, all while staring blankly into space. Trump, on the other hand, radiated vitality and confidence and showed a surprising amount of control and restraint. Well, for Trump.

So brutal was the difference between candidates that even the panel of talking heads on CNN couldn't put a positive spin on it and instead unanimously agreed that Joe has to be dropped from the top of the ticket. Which was, of course, the plan all along and is why this was a huge victory for the Democrat machine.

It's been clear that Joe was refusing to step down on his own and equally clear that he was likely to be demolished in the general election. And so the Powers That Be decided to put Joe onstage to be publicly humiliated so that he can be replaced with a new candidate who might stand a chance against Trump.

Personally, I wish this wasn't the case. Joe would have been relatively easy to beat absent massive fraud. Now the door is open for an Obama-like candidate to magically appear with hazy credentials (that won't be scrutinized by the press) and meaningless slogans ("In the fierce urgency of now, WE are who we've been waiting for") that will be swooned over by the media and the dimwitted woke. 

Or maybe a hoary (in every sense) old warhorse like Hillary will suddenly be anointed. Either way, despite his impressive debate performance, it looks like the race just got significantly harder for Trump.

All The Whirled's Onstage

With only a few days to go before the much-anticipated Trump/Biden debate, Team Biden has leaked that Old Joe is going to show up with a few surprises, including a surprise about his physical performance. Which is the nice way of saying he'll be filled to the eyeballs with amphetamines and street meth. Still, one can't help but be impressed with his performance in this new campaign ad...
(Note: videos may take a few seconds to load after you click on them)

Seems legit. Unlike this detestable "cheap fake" video that someone (not me, God knows) made to mock Biden for his reflexive, despicably racist statement "if you have a problem figuring out if you're for me or Trump, then you ain't Black." Nice stereotyping and use of a patronizing "ain't," Joe. Although considering that Trump is making historic inroads with Black voters, I suppose this video could be a real Biden ad...

The Boxed-Up Rebellion

Maybe next year old friends...

Today, Friday June 14th, is Flag Day. Which would normally see stately Jarlsberg Manor adorned with multiple American flags, a proud display of the stars and stripes.

But not this year. That flag has long represented the ideals upon which our nation was founded, but current realities make that no longer true.

We're currently seeing the jailing of political prisoners, targeting everyone from a former President to grandmothers who tarried too long while "parading" on Capitol grounds on January 6th. Conservative political consultant Steve Bannon is heading to prison for (entirely appropriate) contempt of Congress. But Democrat Attorney General Merrick Garland has also been found to be in contempt of Congress and suffers no threat of imprisonment or even chastisement. The United States, once a beacon of hope for the oppressed, has become the oppressor - silencing and punishing its citizens for dissent.

Corruption, blatant and wholesale, runs rampant through the layers of government, the judiciary, and the alphabet agencies, undermining our principles of justice, fairness, and accountability. The institutions tasked with protecting our country now erode it from within. And you'll find an American flag atop every official building.

Meanwhile, the media's portrayal of our nation has skewed reality, encouraging divisiveness and perpetuating lies. A current Washington Post editorial makes the point that the Left should seize symbolic ownership of the flag from Trump and his malign MAGA misfits. But the Left wants only to steal a politically useful symbol rather than to rededicate themselves to the Constitutional principles that flag once stood for. It's not the cloth that they should be fighting over, but rather the virtues that formed the fabric of our nation.

To fly a flag that, in practice, currently represents these betrayals is something I can't bring myself to do today. I withhold my allegiance, not out of disdain for what the flag should represent, but to preserve that flag for a future worth symbolizing. Hopefully as soon as November.

LIBERTY BELL

Just so you don't think that I'm only posting today to suck all the joy out of life,  here's another homemade musical tidbit (sorry if you're sick of these) with a bit of a story to it.

Using AI, I made a pretty credible country song and opined to some folks that a person could turn out a respectable album in a very short time and attribute the songs to an AI generated artist. And to make my point, I made an album cover for shining new country star (and patriotic pin-up) Cassidy Bell. The album title was the name of her alleged hit song "Who Cares If It's Real?" - a bit of meta humor about the fact that none of it was real. 

But then I got curious about that song title. What would her hit sound like? And so I whipped up some lyrics, used AI for the vocal and illustration, then edited together a music video to go with it. If Cassidy Bell goes viral, mum's the word, okay?

Turn on closed captions for lyrics