You've Been Chopped!

If there's a limit to how much irony can be contained in a single story, this one must come awfully close to hitting it. Dr Leanna Wen, new president of Planned Parenthood, became a victim of pro-choice women when the gals - members of the PP Board of Directors - "chose" to terminate her employment before she got to the one year mark. Or "reached full term," you might say.

Wen was not asked if she wanted to be excised from PP's governing body, but then - we're told that in similar situations, the unborn's opinion and rights don't matter. Hey, rules are rules, right Leanna?

But the irony doesn't stop there! It turns out that Dr. Wen was discarded like a bit of tissue because she was trying to make Planned Parenthood at least try to offer some of the non-abortion medical services which they claim accounts for 97% of Planned Parenthood's business (and is a blatant lie).

Unfortunately, the Board wanted the thrust of the president's job to be even more aggressive political advocacy for abortion, rather than fiddle-faddling around with needed services, clinic hygiene, and caring about the frequently impoverished women who rapidly pass through Planned Parenthood with their backs on a conveyor belt and their feet in stirrups.

Planned Parenthood really has only two functions: abortion and political activism. The only questions now are which is their primary function, and why in God's name they're still receiving federal funding.

WHIPPING HIS CAMPAIGN INTO SHAPE

We figured if we were going to make any Beto O'Rourke jokes, we'd better make them damn fast - because the polls indicate that he'll be nothing but an unpleasant campaign memory within the next week or two.

In part, this may be due to his odd ideas about what will appeal to voters. He's already done his best to convince everyone that he's Hispanic, despite being a full-blooded Irishman. And now he thinks that voters, and especially black voters, will like him better now that he's announced that members of his family (and his wife's) were slave owners. Those whippersnappers!

Beto feels this gives him a "special personal connection" to those who suffer from the effects of slavery, in much the way Adolph Hitler had a "special personal connection" to the millions who suffered from the effects of his death camps.

To make up for his family's dark deeds (as slave ownership documents were called), Beto is now pushing hard for reparations. But rather than taxpayer funds taken from the vast majority of people whose ancestors did not own slaves, we suggest "in kind" reparations from folks like Beto with proven guilt. He should volunteer his labors, free of charge, to black Americans for the rest of his life.

And, when his chores are done, he should make his masters refreshing mint juleps, then sing and dance to a medley of Stephen Foster songs. Put another way, if he wants to go back 200 years, then by all means he should.

UP, UP, AND AWAY!

We are delighted to share the news that Jim Hlavac's fundraising effort was a huge success, with significant credit owed to the kind-hearted people who hang out here at Stilton's Place. 

As we're writing this, Mr. Hlavac has garnered $1,645 of his $1,000 goal for his travels (which begin, we believe, on Sunday). But he also got more than that out of this experience, and we can't possibly put it than he did...

Fly safely, Mr. H, and sincere best wishes that you'll find the medical treatment and support you need in New York City. Keep us all posted!

VP Phone Home

"And wear a dorky helmet while riding a bike."

In Joe Biden's increasingly desperate bid to associate himself with Barack Obama in the public's mind, he recently trotted out a comment which is - even for Joe - jaw-droppingly stupid.

At a candidate's forum on Monday, the former Veep said of his "new" healthcare proposition that "if you like your healthcare plan, your employer-based plan, you can keep it. If you like your private insurance, you can keep it."

This is almost word for word what Obama said just before making it illegal for millions of Americans to keep their health care plans and, in some cases, quadrupling their insurance costs. Obama's oft-repeated promise is widely regarded as the lyingest lie told in eight solid years of lying. It probably has its own entry in the Guinness World Record Book of Lies and will likely never be bested.

Although it's entirely possible that Slidin' Biden (whose poll numbers keep dropping) is tone deaf enough not to realize his choice of words was salting a national wound, we prefer to think that Obama himself is secretly giving Biden hilariously bad advice on running for President and wondering when Joe will finally catch on to the joke.

We're guessing it may be when Barry arranges for Bill Ayers to drive Uncle Joe to the Reverend Jeremiah Wright's church for the annual 9/11 "Chickens Come Home to Roost" sermon.

BONUS: ODD SQUAD

CAN YOU HELP?

Those of you who've been here since the Hope n' Change days will likely remember frequent commenter Jim Hlavac. He's in a pretty tough situation just now with life-threatening illness and can use our help.

He needs to fly back to the United States from Mazatlan (it's a long but interesting story) to get medical care, and a very modest ($1000 total) Gofundme page has been set up to assist in covering his travel costs. Even small donations will make a difference and be much appreciated!

Click here to help out one of our own!

Direct Current Events

To paraphrase Robert Mueller, if we had confidence that AOC clearly did not blow out the power in Manhattan with a fork, we would have said so. And just for the moment, we want to savor the mental image of a befuddled, soot-faced Cortez sitting flat-ass on the carpet, staring at the still-smoking fork in her hand, and asking "Wha' happened?"

Which is also our reaction to the current news cycle, about which we'll give our quick takes:

• Rep Ilhan Omar declares herself to be more patriotic than American-born citizens.
That's really an offensive and outrageous statement and someone should do something about it...

• Trump tweets that Ilhan Omar should go back to Africa. *

We're not sure that's the "something" we were referring to, but for now we'll take it.

• 500,000 people plan to storm Area 51.

They want to prove the government is concealing alien technologies like death rays and disintegrator beams, but clearly haven't thought through just how that might play out.

• Chuck Schumer attacks Donald Trump over Jim Acosta's handling of Clinton friend Jeffrey Epstein.

To which we say, "Oh, STFU Chuck." On a side note, if serial pedophile Epstein really has been arranging for the rich and powerful to engage in underage sex, we hope ALL of them get revealed and thrown in the hoosegow.

• Armed idiot who attacked immigrant detention center with gun and fire bombs is shot dead by police.

The 69-year-old social activist, perhaps inspired by an anti-ICE demonstration hours before, was attempting to set fire to detention center buildings and vehicles, but failed to ignite a propane tank bomb before being riddled with bullets from four police officers. Flames he had started were quickly extinguished - presumably using water from the toilets of thirsty immigrants.

---------

* CORRECTION: We got duped on the Trump tweet because so many "news" outlets were reporting that he tweeted "go back to Africa." Here's what he actually tweeted about legislators who have huge problems with our country: "Why don't they go back and help fix the totally broken and crime infested places from which they came - then come back and show us how."

Missing Inaction

Actually, we've improved quite a bit but not quite enough to do a real post today. We'll do our best to keep up with you in the comments, though!

UPDATE: OKAY, MAYBE ONE CARTOON...

Do Me A Solid

We're making good progress with the Diverticulitis and have been given permission to drink "full liquids" (think chocolate Ensure, which is served in all of your really upscale nursing homes) and cautiously start the BRAT diet (Bananas, Rice, Applesauce,  and Toast). Honest-to-gosh solid foods are still some distance in our future, which is why we're sharing these actual recipe cards from the past as a reminder that solid food sometimes isn't all that it's cracked up to be...

Yeah, suddenly the chocolate Ensure and dry white toast don't look so bad!

R.I.P. ROSS PEROT

That soft sucking sound is other politicians on the government teat

We're saddened to learn of the passing of Ross Perot, for whom we once cast a Presidential vote. Long before anyone was paying attention to Donald Trump, billionaire businessman and political outsider Perot drew enthusiastic crowds with his honesty, patriotism, pragmatism, and straight-talking approach.

Even after his failed Presidential bid, Perot did a lot for America. He will be missed.

BONUS: NOT SO LITTLE WHITE LIE

Okay, we thought we were done for the day, but we had to create a cartoon after hearing what Nancy Pelosi said about President Trump's "real" reason for wanting the census to give accurate counts of citizens and non-citizens in America.

Sick Day

Forget Mr. Binky...it's actually our old friend Mr. Diverticulitis who has decided to pay a visit, so we're not really feeling up to writing much today.

Diverticulitis happens when your large intestine starts blowing little bubblegum-type bubbles through its walls, leaving pockets that are perfect for collecting food and bacteria and breeding a painful infection which usually doesn't kill.

Currently, we're on powerful antibiotics and a second medication that makes your mouth taste like a vulture's butthole and gives you the magical ability to projectile vomit if alcohol so much as touches your lips. Happily, we didn't find that out the hard way - we were warned by our doctor, our pharmacist, and a label on the pill bottle which shows a picture of a cocktail with a diagonal line drawn through it, above the words "avoid alcohol unless you want to turn yourself inside out like a salted slug."

Additionally, we're halfway through two weeks of a clear liquid diet which consists of water (and variations on water) and thin broth. So we're not feeling a helluva lot of sympathy for those "kids in cages" who are getting oatmeal, burritos, and noodles three times a day. Although we don't begrudge them their food, because we'd like these poor little souls to stay nice and healthy in case we need one of them to give us an intestine transplant (giving them a chance to do the jobs that American organs won't do).

We expect to be fine and it will be business as usual in the comments section today and, hopefully, non-health related content Wednesday!

Happy 5th of July!

We found some extra fireworks, so we're continuing our Independence Day celebration and taking it relatively easy today by letting the cartoons do the talking. Enjoy!

Turnabout is fair play, right?

If only...

Cannonball Kaepernick

Just in time for the 4th of July, Colin Kaepernick and Nike have again declared themselves to be anti-American scumbags who don't deserve another moment's attention or another dime in revenue.

Specifically, Nike had planned to release a new line of patriotically-themed shoes on Independence Day. The red, white, and blue shoes were emblazoned with small replicas of the original Betsy Ross American flag, and looked great. Or we should say, they looked great to troglodytes like us who are insufficiently "woke."

Because Nike spokesman Colin Kaepernick found the shoes deeply offensive, since slavery was still allowed in the United States at the same time Betsy Ross agreed to sew the flag instead of "taking the knee" and getting herself a lucrative endorsement deal.

Nike wasted a perfectly good and long overdue opportunity to tell Kaepernick to STFU, and instead recalled every pair of shoes (and will no doubt sell them overseas in the many countries that haven't abolished slavery).

Happily, Nike got an immediate smackdown for their asinine behavior: the Governor of Arizona immediately rescinded $2 million in tax breaks and perks which had been offered to the shoemakers as an enticement to build a new factory in the state.

Now that's the kind of fireworks we enjoy seeing!

FROM THE INDEPENDENCE DAY VAULT...

Here's hoping that you, your family, and friends enjoy a great flag-waving Indepence Day!

An Ill Wind Just Blows

Readers- We're a bit under the weather today with some sort of intestinal condition which necessitates spending more time in the bathroom than the office. We're guessing it's related to having watched 20 Democrats in just two days last week. According to WebMD, that constitutes a fecal overdose.

But rather than leave you empty-handed, we're sharing another example of what we do when we're empty-headed. Feel free to play along (or talk about the news of the day) in the comments section!

The Weemler triplets sleep in shifts.

The Sick Census

A bizarre moment occurred during Wednesday night's Democratic debate (Thursday's edition hasn't yet happened at the time of this writing) when Irishman Robert Francis O'Rourke suddenly channeled a spirit entity called "Beto" who used his horse-faced human host to start spouting vague platitudes in Spanish. The other candidates were clearly confused, but did their best to pretend that they didn't see anything wrong with this.

And that's not surprising, because it's increasingly what the government is forcing us all to do: pretend that we don't see and don't hear our nation's accelerating shift to an Hispanic culture owing to the massive influx of illegal aliens.

As a quite literal case in point, yesterday the Supreme Court ruled that the Trump administration can't include the question "are you a U.S. citizen?" on the 2020 Census questionnaire.  Or more accurately, they ruled that the President does have the right to put that question on the questionnaire, but the Supreme Court is still rejecting it for now because they think that the administration's stated reason for asking the question isn't "the real reason." In other words, the Supreme Court is saying that they won't let Trump exercise legitimate Constitutional power because, according to the carefully considered majority opinion, "Orange man bad."

Including illegals in the Census count (and making no distinction between them and actual citizens) has multiple ripple effects. Among the most important, this blindfolded count will determine how much federal benefit money is sent to the states, and how many Congressional seats each region will have. And unsurprisingly, both conditions have Democrats salivating.

Insuring that illegal aliens have the same access to taxpayer-funded benefits and political representation as actual citizens makes citizenship itself meaningless. And that's an idea that no political party should enthusiastically embrace.

There's still a small chance that the citizenship question could end up in the 2020 Census. But time is running out at the same time tens of thousands of illegal aliens are running in.

FROM THE VAULT

Come out from behind that mask, Beto!

Mass Debaters

Hurry, hurry, hurry! Step right up to the greatest show on Earth! See the odd, the unusual, and the bizarre! The freaks, the geeks, and nature's mistakes are all inside, all alive, and can walk, talk, and crawl on their bellies like reptiles! And they all promise to throw money at you!

Okay, that's not the actual ballyhoo for the two nights of Democrat debates which begin this evening, but it might as well be considering all the weird crap we're likely to see and hear. With apologies to the great P.T. Barnum, no one has ever convened such a "congress of oddities" before. In total, we'll hear from twenty candidates on Wednesday and Thursday, each of whom will be trying to put their personal spin on topics like the imminent end of the world from climate change, reparations for slavery, the end of income inequality, free socialized everything, wide open borders, restriction (or repeal) of 1st and 2nd Amendment rights, forgiveness of college loans, and no-questions-asked legalized abortion up until the time the fetus is old enough to personally file an amicus brief in court.

To set an appropriate tone, we can only hope (but sadly doubt) that there will be jolly calliope music playing during the debates, that the audience will be chomping on corn dogs and cotton candy, and that the floors will be covered with sawdust in case anyone throws up.

Lacking any ideas of substance, all of the candidates are hoping to bribe voters with budget-busting giveaways, with Bernie Sanders currently leading the pack with his $2.2 trillion plan to forgive college debt and make college not only free, but an actual right.

We can't predict exactly what goodies the Democrat candidates will be promising, but we think overall the process may closely parallel a passage from one of our favorite (and clearly prescient considering it was published in 2011) social satires, "CLUMP: An American Splatire."

In the book, an elected political figure desperately tries to curry favor with voters by immediately replacing "the pursuit of happiness" with "the guarantee of happiness" in 10 easy federally-mandated steps...

1) 100% free healthcare including liposuction, Viagra, and breast implants.
2) College degrees will be issued without the requirement of attending college.
3) All existing debts will be cancelled; nobody owes anything to anybody.
4) Unemployment benefits will be permanent and twice the minimum wage.
5) All cars will get 100 miles per gallon and their exhaust will be pure oxygen with a "fresh pine" scent.
6) Everything served in a restaurant will always be on a 99¢ value menu.
7) Fitness guidelines will be revised so that every American meets the federal definition of "hot."
8) 50 bonus points will be added to the IQ score of every American.
9) There will be no more taxes of any kind except on the Evil Rich.
10) Everyone will go to Heaven.

Still quoting from the book:

"The groundswell of sheer, unbridled joy in America was seismic. People were high-fiving in the streets, laughing, crying, and hugging complete strangers. It was as if the bloody and long-fought war against meritocracy had finally drawn to a victorious close.

This unprecedented national euphoria lasted an entire day, then died the next morning as abruptly as a beef cow smacked with a sledgehammer. Because that's when the stock market plunged like an Acapulco cliff diver."

A cautionary tale, or an actual preview of coming attractions? Thanks to the Democratic debates, we'll start finding out tonight.

BONUS: CONCENTRATION SUMMER CAMPS

Wow, AOC can dance and act!

The Carroll and Shtick Approach

It's been a remarkably consistent week for President Trump: he was going to obliterate Iran, then it didn't happen. He was going to have ICE raids on illegals all over the country, then it didn't happen. And now he's been accused of rape by a woman selling a book about how awful men are, and we're pretty damn sure it didn't happen either.

Advice columnist E. Jean Carroll who, in her spare time, conducts twice-weekly walking tours disparaging "The Most Hideous Men of New York City," claims that in "1975 or 1976," Trump was overcome with lust for her while they shared a dressing room in the Bergdorf Goodman department store. Both were fully clothed at the time (she never even dropped her handbag), but Carroll claims that Trump managed to hold her against a wall while simultaneously unzipping his fly and pulling down her tights, after which he "thrust his penis halfway - or completely, I'm not certain - inside me." After which she pushed him aside, ran from the dressing room, and cleverly escaped on a slow-moving escalator without alerting anyone at the store or mentioning it in public for a quarter century.

Ms. Carroll, the author of the coincidentally just-released "What Do We Need Men For?", denies Donald Trump's claim that she's lying to sell more books and states categorically that she's telling the absolute truth and has only come forward to revitalize her career as a fading porn star and stripper. No, wait - that was Stormy Daniels, the only woman on the "gentleman's club" circuit who has to give 75¢ in change to anyone who tucks a dollar bill in her g-string.

Ms. Carroll says that she has no intention of filing charges against President Trump, because she "would find it disrespectful to the women who are down on the border who are being raped around the clock down there without any protection. It would just be disrespectful."

So as a famous and celebrated advice columnist, she would tell women not to report being raped in order to show respect to other women who are getting raped?! We should definitely get into the "advice columnist" racket, as apparently the entry requirements are pretty much nonexistent.

Rape is a very serious matter, but the sad epidemic of rape taking place at our southern border could be greatly reduced by closing the borders as Trump wants to do, rather than having liberals keep them wide open as an enticing lure to women and children...and their rapists.

And we've been told, repeatedly, that every woman who cries rape needs to be believed without question. Sadly, the circus of wild unsubstantiated lies at the Kavanaugh confirmation hearings has made that an exceedingly foolish thing to do. For which actual rape victims who are disbelieved can thank political hatchet-wielders like Gloria Allred, Michael Avenatti, Senate Democrats and, we're betting, E. Jean Carroll.