Monday, November 20, 2017

Tusk, Tusk

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, trump, elephants, trophy, ban, shrunken heads

Fans of Dumbo (and who isn't?) went into panic mode last week when it was suggested that President Trump was going to lift the ban on the importation of trophy items made from elephants.

Although the change in policy was recommended by the Fish and Wildlife Service, who apparently spend a lot of time and taxpayer money thinking about elephants in other countries because domestic fish are so freaking boring, Trump unexpectedly reversed course after a hugely negative public outcry. He is now postponing a final decision until he's had further opportunity to talk to himself about it.

Frankly, we're hoping that the ban remains in place because elephants are among the most awesome and intelligent animals on Earth, and they don't deserve to be chainsawed into pieces so that people can have elephant tusk bluetooth speakers, taxidermied heads with showerheads in their trunks, or elephant ear sandwiches. The last coming as a special blow to the industries which were gearing up to make the big buns.

And it should go without saying that we don't support the importation of baby elephant trunks for transgendered women who wish to become men, no matter how funny the resulting "sticky bun up the ass" jokes would be.

Lifting the ban was thought to be acceptable because the trophies would come from animals who were being culled scientifically, with money from hunting licenses going to support elephant conservation. That's fine - but once the door has been opened, the problem is how to then keep trophies from illegal poachers from flooding the market as elephant populations are decimated for crap like this...

We can appreciate the fact that there is a robust market for oddities and curios from other lands, but we'd rather the ban stay in place for any and every animal that belongs to a diminishing population.

That being said, we think the time is ripe for Trump to lift the ban on the importation of a certain type of exotic trophy which comes from largely useless creatures who, for better or worse, are in no danger of extinction.

We're talking, of course, about shrunken heads.

Just in time for Black Friday sales!


Mike aka Proof said...

"The last coming as a special blow to the industries which were gearing up to make the big buns"
Kim Kardashian hardest hit.

Jason Anyone said...

@ Mike aka Proof said: Kim Kardashian hardest hit.

Actually, not really. It is a common mistake due to "similar naming".

Judi King said...

I question the mentality of anyone who wants parts of dead anything hanging around their homes. How disgusting is that? Totally unattractive. How about hunting trophies, heads, rugs, etc.? Equally unattractive. But that's just me.

Fred Ciampi said...

Well, how about killing two birds with one stone, so to speak. The meat industry kills thousands of cows a day. Hunters love to kill things. Why not blend the two? Turn the cows loose then turn the hunters loose. See? Two problems solved at the same time.

Anonymous said...

Its probably not going to matter whether he lifts the ban, its irrelephant.
Too many other states allow the slaughter of them.

PADERBORN, GERMANY - Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let fly — and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop!

Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive-oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him like a dump truck full of mud.

“The sheer force of the elephant’s unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him,” said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. “With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that happen sometimes — a billion-to-one shot, at least.”

The heartbreaking tale of constipation and tragedy began April 23 when the conscientious zookeeper noticed that his prize, 8,000-pound African elephant didn’t seem to be producing his usual poop aplenty.

“Friedrich had actually been concerned for several days because he knew that severe constipation can kill an elephant,” assistant zookeeper Kurt Herrman recalled. “He told me he was going to stay late that Thursday night to treat Stefan with laxatives and possibly give him an enema. I offered to help, but he sent me on home, saying he had everything under control.”

But two hours later, horrified night watchman Walter Pleuger found Friedrich lying lifeless under a mound of muck, his body visible only from the knees down. “I had never really thought about it before,” Det. Dern said. “But obviously, giving an elephant an enema can be a very dangerous activity — and not something that should be attempted alone.” Shrugging, he continued, “Well, at least the elephant feels better.”

Unknown said...

RE: Shrunken Heads -- Have you noticed how oddly they smell on a wet, rainy day?

FlyBoy said...

Today has indeed started off well! I speak of the passing of that bundle of joy and humanity Charles Manson. May you rot in that special place Satan reserves in Hades for excrement like you.

Excellent cartoon and commentary today, Stilt. I have to admit that I'd fallen for the whole "Legal elephant hunting is good for them" argument. While I have no problem with hunters who actually consume the animals they take, I disagree greatly with the whole idea of killing an animal for the "trophy", especially ones as majestic as elephants. BTW, does this whole ban on animal parts mean no more elephant ears at fairs and carnivals?

Re the shrunken heads: I'd pay top dollar (at least $1.00) for a Nancy Pelosi or "Chuck you" Schumer specimen.

American Cowboy said...

@ Anonymous - I believe our government and the elephant in your comment have much in common, as do we with the poor zookeeper.

Anonymous said...


Seems like the elephant parts ban is on the way.

Now is a good time to invest in elephant parts. Fill up the garage with them. As soon as they are no longer allowed to be imported, the prices will go up.

Bill Mooore

Walter L. Stafford said...

Forget the elephant parts! We have so many homegrown JACKASSES disguised as Democrats, liberals, socialists and late night show hosts...why not use them and forget the pachyderms!

TrickyRicky said...

@Anonymous (Deutschland)- boy am I glad I had my Metamucil before I read about Stefan and Friedrich.

rickn8or said...

But two hours later, horrified night watchman Walter Pleuger found Friedrich lying lifeless under a mound of muck, his body visible only from the knees down.

It wasn't much of a picnic for the mortician either...

Gee M said...

Those who do not understand but repeat hearsay continue the ignorance.
Trophies are NOT the point...culls are the elephants allowed to be shot, males outside the herd and old, possibly rouge.
An old bull is NOT gonna make any babies, so the tens of thousands of Dollars are going to the conservation of the herds left, and the meat is given to locals for a good time.
No more than allowing adults to own handguns means children will die by the hundreds, does the allowing of a tusk to a hunter with documentation mean poachers will sell documented ivory by the truckload.
I grew up watching Frank Buck, know how hard doing right can be, but do NOT believe the surviving poachers will make a ton of tusk Dollars...surviving being the key word here.
Youtube Trophy Hunting and see what is what.

John the Econ said...

I've long thought that if I were ever to be President, one of the first things I'd do is appoint an "optics monitor" who's job it would be to be on the watch for anything stupid coming down the pike that would inevitably be used to make me look stupid or bad. Imagine if Obama had such a person to prevent him from giving US-only DVDs to Gordon Brown. Such a person would have prevented Trump from getting tangled up in this silliness.

rickn8or said...

John Ross, author of "Unintended Consequences" and has actually shot an elephant, has a slightly different take:

"Some social Justice Warriors on FB are clutching their pearls about Trump lifting Obama's ban of importing legally-taken African trophies.

They need a quick lesson in economics. Every adult elephant eats 400 pounds of vegetation a DAY. When I was in Zimbabwe in 1983, that worked out to 25 square miles of land PER ELEPHANT to support them. If locals want to farm the land, all elephants in the area must be exterminated, for nothing short of a poured, reinforced concrete wall around the entire farm will keep elephants from eating all the crops.

It's the same if the natives want to raise cattle or livestock. ALL the big cats must be exterminated.

Sad but true, no Social Justice Warrior who hates hunting will pay tens of thousands of dollars to take a picture of an elephant, rhino, hippo, buffalo, lion, or leopard. Only a person who wants an African trophy is willing to pay that, and THAT'S what keeps these huge tracts of land undeveloped, pays for game scouts and wardens to patrol the land and kill poachers, and allows African game to live anywhere outside of zoos."

Gee M said...


There you have it.

Unknown said...

I'm reminded of an article, years ago, in "Reason" magazine. The argument goes that WITH hunting licenses, elephants become a valuable commodity. WITHOUT hunting licenses, elephants become giant rats- vermin that destroy fences and crops, not only valueless to local farmers, but an expensive nuisance.

Regnad Kcin said...

The new Spice Girls - The Compacted Cabezas : Lois, Diane, 'Beast, Debbie, Huma, Maxine. And, they're already marinated !

RyDaddy said...

Gee M, rickn8or, Alan Mcintire; ALL spot on.

Think about which animals are at NO risk of ever going extinct? Chickens, whitetail deer, bovines...

They are each SO valuable to humans that we have studied and understand EVERY aspect of their life cycle and their environmental and dietary needs.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Mike aka Proof- Well done! Choose any prize off the top shelf!

@Jason Anyone- Everything sounds classier in latin.

@Judi King- As a man whose office is decorated with skulls, gargoyles, and plaster alligators, I'm not sure I should throw stones on matters of taste when it comes to decorating. That being said, I'm always put off by hunting trophies (I had a bunch of dead animals staring at my BBQ Plate in a restaurant a couple of weeks ago). I'm not saying people shouldn't be allowed to have them, but there's still a "yuck" factor.

@Fred Ciampi- I like your plan, though to give it an element of danger some of the cows should be packed with explosives.

@Anonymous- A tragic story, to be sure. But I guess that's what happens when (finally) the shit hits Stefan...

@Jerome Boyle- Handy Hint: you can kill that smell with a fresh dusting of quicklime!

@FlyBoy- I've seen horribly graphic photos of what poachers with chainsaws do to elephants. That's why I'm adamantly opposed to lifting the ban. Elephants and whales are far too smart and far too cool for us to be killing. Both literally sicken me.

@American Cowboy- I agree. The average American can accurately be called "old facefull" at this point.

@Bill Moore- Sadly, my garage is already full of nonsense from our remodeling. So it looks like I'll be missing out on this great fiscal opportunity.

@Walter L Stafford- That strikes me as a reasonable alternative.

@TrickyRicky- And ever since I read about that "Olive Oil enema" I've had a really ugly picture in my head of Popeye and his girlfriend...

@rickn8or- No WONDER those guys always look so grim!

@Gee M- You make good points and I don't disagree. And I'd be fine with a hunter bringing home a trophy which is documented to be his as long as reasonable restrictions remain in place to keep poachers from entering the picture. Of course, the bastards are still selling to other parts of the world; I think rhinos are being killed off rapidly because the Japanese (in particular) believe that ground rhino horn can cure impotence.

@John the Econ- That's a great idea, and such a position should certainly exist. And maybe it does, but the person doesn't always have sway over The Donald. There's just no way to get good optics out of a situation like this no matter what the facts and data show. And although I hate to say so, optics mean a lot these days - perhaps even more than policy.

@rickn8or- Good points across the board.

@Alam Mcintire- I suppose that's true from the perspective of the farmers. However, in a general sense I like elephants more than people so I'm biased in favor of the pachyderms.

@Regnad Kcin- Collect them all!

@RyDaddy- You're correct. While animal activists may be against the exploitation of said animals (and I am too if there's cruelty involved), there's no question that humans will make sure these species survive.

Stan da Man said...

With a BONE through his NOSE!
That's WAAAAYYYYYY cyst!

Gee M said...

Without it ever being safe to assume, I will anyway assume that you may have read some ERB novels in your yute...he also cherished the animals over ignorant humans who kill for fun and leave a mess.
I have no desire to hang a head ( even a Pelosi trophy would be a bit weird ) but if a seriously outa control male tusker was removed from the ecology, a tusk in the living room would be cool ( I have seen a few over the years ); I still cry for Bambi's Mom, and Old Yeller tears me up, but what mancave would be complete without a symbolic trophy head (say, a Dallas Cowboy's helmet? or a bobble-head of Payton Manning?)
Tell Penny she is fine as a living dust disperser and hair dispenser, animals are our friends and while I DO belong to PETA (People Eating Tasty Animals) and do believe there is room for ALL God's creatures (right next to the mashed potatoes!) NO PUPPY DOG WAS HARMED WRITING THIS POST!

Colby Muenster said...

I understand the theory that, if you want a certain item to stop being sold on the black market, just make it legal, but have a strong hunch there is still a thriving illegal marijuana business going in Colorado. Making it legal to bring in legally obtained elephant parts will never eliminate poaching. I doubt poaching would even decrease.

Concerning heads hanging on walls, I can't say as it has ever upset me if they are hanging on the wall of someone who hunts for food (like most of the people I know), but I still don't get the attraction of preserving the head and hanging it on your wall. OK, so you snuck up on an animal with an IQ of 23, and killed it with a rifle from 300 yards away, and you want a trophy to brag about your vast superiority to the animal with an IQ of 23?

Don't get me wrong, I am 100% pro gun and pro hunting, but the trophy thing is just weird, and it would seem there are others on this blog of like minds. I find this rather amusing! Libtards think conservatives are all caveman type creatures with nary an inch of our walls not covered with dead animal heads and racks of horrifying automatic weapons with chainsaw bayonets. Did you know, if you put a front grip on a rifle, it suddenly becomes 10 times deadlier?!

Wahoo said...

Not that there's anything wrong with a little head.

Gee M said...

I find it relevant and telling that anyone who describes hunting as a person sneaking up on some defenseless animal and killing it with some "unfair" equipment at a long distance, then bragging about it with a head hung on the wall...has never hunted or been a hunter of any kind, bow or firearm.
I notice Liberals do the same thing by exaggerating the reality and leaving out relevant parts of the story.
Same attempt at smearing someone without having any real factual information to use that can do the job, so the next best thing is obfuscation and exaggeration.
Most of the best Special Forces we have are lifelong hunters, and the typical sneering description of hunters somehow seems way off base when applied to these amazing men.

Judi King said...

I have NO problem with hunting for food, if you like the meat you kill. I have NO problem with intelligent culling of animals, in certain circumstances. I have NO problem with guns and the right to bear arms. I DO believe hanging heads and laying rugs just to prove you were able to shoot something unarmed is gross, unattractive and very disconcerting.
PS: If any of you feel the need to shoot animals, come to Michigan and get rid of some of the coyotes we have here. There are too many and our DNR will do nothing.

James said...

The Germans have a saying "Ohne Jaegers, kein Wild." => "Without hunters, there is no wildlife."

That is to say that the hunters have a reason to keep the herd population controlled and yet populous. Why? There is more game to hunt both for them and for future generations of hunters.

So do the people in the area hunted. Why?

Because it brings in hunters and the money they spend.

SJW/PETA/Libs/Progs assume that Africa is awash in fat, white, drunken Bubbas running around gunning anything that moves and thus wallow, as usual, happy in their self-imposed ignorance.

Each, repeat, "each" sport hunter In Africa is accompanied by a professional hunter licensed by the country's wildlife departments to ensure that the hunt is conducted according to sound wildlife management practices. In the case of elephant hunts, there is often a game biologist in attendance. The elephants are thus culled, and the herd size is maintained at a level that does minimal damage to the natives' crops.

When the herd gets too large and it destroys too much farmland, the natives often kill every animal of the offending species as they can.

But, no amount of logic and reasoning will evah (sic) change the SJW/PETA/Libs/Prog mindset- Muffy with her degree in Feminism and Minority Studies and Todd with his degree in Underwater Basket Weaving know so much more than professional wildlife managers, don't you see?

There is a huge difference between a hunter and a poacher. The latter are the ones (literally) machine gunning numbers of elephants for their ivory. The meat is wasted and thus both the natives and the elephants suffer.

Fred Ciampi said...

OK, I know I'm going to hell now. This is from MAD Magazine in the 1960s;

The Hunting Song
I always will remember, ‘twas a year ago November
I went out to hunt some deer, On a morning bright and clear
I went and shot the maximum, the game laws would allow,
Two game wardens, seven hunters, and a cow.
The law was very stern, they took away my permit,
the worst punishment I ever endured,
turns out there was a reason, cows were out of season,
and one of the hunters wasn’t insured.
People ask me how I do it, I just say "there’s nothing to it"
"you just stand there looking cute, and when something moves, you shoot".
And there’s ten stuffed heads in my trophy room right now,
two game wardens, seven hunters, and a pure bred Guernsey cow.

Queso Grande said...

It's really pretty simple:
REMOVE the legal, severely regulated, economically beneficial(the hunt fees pay the rangers) hunts and you will see far LESS elephants. Period.
Seems that starving Africans give little to no shits about what some white liberal wants, they just want food.
So go ahead and force the change, then the only elephants our kids will see will be photographic.

Emmentaler "Just Back From Deer Hunting" Limburger said...

I love it: Elephant conservation discussion, and we get a bunch of emotion over reason. Generally not something one would assign to conservatives...

Emmentaler (Tried multiple times to post that from the woods two days ago" Limburger said...

(By the way - I can second the earlier comment that iPhones are unable to post replies on tis blog any longer...)

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Emmentaler Limburger- I have no idea why iPhones wouldn't work with the site. Nothing has changed on this end (to my knowledge), so I'm guessing that maybe an iOS upgrade from Apple might have made the phones incompatible with such an old, basic website.

Mike aka Proof said...

My iPhone 7, v11.1.2 works fine with the site. Sending this comment from it.

Popular Front said...

I stopped hunting, forever, after my first combat tour. I decided I would never again take the life of a fellow creature just for fun. People shooting at me were fair game however, I had and have no problem with that. I have only one rule which I would apply to 'sporting shooters' - you shoot it, you eat it. No exceptions.