Monday, January 13, 2020

Sniff Testy

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Really, John? We're all ears.
Appearing on a CNN interview, John "Swift Boat" Kerry again repeated the preposterous claim that during the Obama/Biden administration, there wasn't so much as "a whiff of scandal." Which is true in the sense that a massive cloud of stench can't really be called a "whiff."

Kerry, it should be noted, was Obama's lead negotiator in striking a "get-tough" nuclear deal with Iran which still guaranteed that the terrorist nation could build nukes, gave Iran the right to inspect its own facilities for any (ahem) treaty violations, and got airline tickets upgraded from coach to first class for the giant pallets of cash Obama sent in the dead of night.

And since Iran is very much in the news, it's worth remembering just WHY Iran wanted that $1.7 billion in cash instead of as an electronic transaction: because cash purchases can't be traced. Which is fairly important if you're planning to fund terror activities around the world, do "off the books" nuclear enrichment, or buy missiles to fire at U.S. military bases and civilian passenger jets.

But Kerry's "no whiff of scandal" claim isn't the only thing that stinks in the news...

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Actress and entrepreneur Gwyneth Paltrow is selling candles called "This Smells Like My Vagina." Or we should say she was selling them, because the first run of $75 candles has already sold out, presumably to pervy customers who were no longer satisfied with their "This Smells Like Canned Cat Food" candles.

This presumably opens the door for a flood of other self-scentered liberal celebrity products: Robert De Niro's "This Smells Like My Feet" platform shoes, Joe Biden's "This Smells Like My Female Constituents" shampoo, Greta Thunberg's "This Smells Like My Stolen Childhood" lighter fluid, Stephen Colbert's "This Smells Like the Wax in My Tiny Deformed Ear" cotton swabs, Joy Behar's "This Smells Like My Loud, Sour Farts" air defreshener and, of course, Bill Clinton's "This Smells Like My Intern" cigars.


We often do multiple variations on a cartoon and then go with what we hope is the funniest one. Still, we have a fondness for today's runner-up...


pkerot said...

Whos going to volunteer to smell the candle and decide if its true??

Sortahwitte said...

Well.....I guess it's really true.
The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

Regnad Kcin said...

So, it's true that Pencil-Neck has French asthma ; he can only catch his breath in snatches. Low hanging fruit.......

Brie Camembert said...

Is there some toxic substance concentration in Hollywood that is destroying celeb's brains?

Brie Camembert said...

I forgot - of course - Democratium!

Fish Out of Water said...

You'd think an official in the now assigned to history, worst administration since the peanut farmer from Plains Ga's would be silent and stay low, but their continued public spectacles of themselves is more mirth for others.

Changing gears, Bloomberg is spending his money on a TV ad campaign here with the slogan 'Mike will get it done' Get what done is open to discussion I suppose. In fact as I watch the morning news, one just popped up. It's also aimed directly at Pesident Trump and in that vein, a presumption he'll be the nominee for the howling "progressive " mob.

And speaking of howling mobs, Pelosi has said that one way or another, in ten months, Trump will no longer be President. Perhaps she too likes Clan McGregor?

M. Mitchell Marmel said...

Just when you thought the term "Stinking Liberal" can't POSSIBLY get any lower, they say "Hold mah (skunked) beer..."

Anonymous said...

So, in other words, Gwen is selling her preused candles (much like Slick Willy's cigars).

Jason Anyone said...

This goes to show you what pieces of work Democrats are. On the 10th, he was scattering bullshit like he's "Scent-free Johnny Crappleseed". And a little over a day later, in the tweet that I replied to, he was actually lecturing Trump about "facts."

Rod said...

Don't think I can post it & there was no credit; but one of the best memes on this political race says: Trump has been in politics for 3 years & is running on his accomplishments; Biden has been in politics for ~ 40 years & is running on what he wants to accomplish.

Old Yankee Candles etal (in glass jars with tight-seal lids) can go off a bit on fragrance over time. If 40-50 years from now a "Paltrow-scented candle like this is found in an estate sale one suggestion is to embed it in a small bucket of reinforced concrete or grout and drop it overboard in mid-ocean. It may be OK as substrate for some unknown marine organism. Don't even take a chance with the big bonfire or the local landfill.

Jack said...

You get straight-As again, Stilt.

Snark said...

Of course the Obozo regime didn't have a scandal. Everything was done on purpose. Just like Scat Francisco is the dhimicrats version of Venezuela, their goal objectives are quite different from that of rational humans. They regard "Atlas Shrugged" as an operating manual rather than a warning. Remember, North Korea is a dhimicrat paradise.

Anonymous said...

Hmmm.... Let me see, should I open a can of $0.99 Tuna or purchase a $75 GP Vagina candle???
Tuna wins every time.... Plus I can eat the tuna afterwards w/o spitting out curly hairs.... DOH!!!!

Murphy(AZ) said...

In the Before Time, when someone broke wind in a particularly offensive way, especially in an enclosed space, it was said that they "could knock a buzzard off a shit hearse." Ms Paltrow seems to have managed to capture a similar aroma in a candle.

WDS said...

Hopefully Mayor Pete doesn't get any ideas about his own line of scented candles

sorella said...

RE: Iran. The US and the rest of the world has been pretending to put up with that malevolent "country" for over 40 years. I feel great empathy for the innocent citizens that live there but, for them, I see NO reason why they deserve any more consideration.
As for Gwyneth, .....who does she think she is? It's so unbelievable that anyone would buy what she is selling.

TrickyRicky said...

Regarding the Paltrow Pussy Presumption of desirability, how much narcissism can a putrid person project and still be considered a person? Asking for a friend.

Bruce "Bubba" Nelson said...

Check out this candle... "Smell My Nuts"

Bruce Bleu said...

I wonder if the candles have the "Harvey Weinstein" seal of approval for accuracy? Of course we must understand that Gwyneth's cooch smelled different when she was NINE YEARS OLD! And good grief... I hope magilla obama doesn't get any ideas.

Pat Cummings said...

Eew. Burned hair and singed fish doesn't sound like a pleasant ambience. Do we really want essential Gwyneth permeating our sinuses?

I once spent most of a day next to a rural firepit, filled with a bed of coals kept glowing with dried cowpats, used to heat irons which were then used to brand far too many cattle.

That aroma would give GP (or Mayor Pete) a run for their candle money!

(And yes, I was a youngster during that branding excursion, thus it was before electronic branding. Though I believe this particular ranch still uses "traditional" methods for some of their cattle, just to keep the skills alive.)

John the Econ said...

So Very Kerry: If a scandal falls in the forest and The New York Times and Washington Post ignores it, is it a scandal? Of course not. Repeat the lie.

History will not judge John Kerry well.

Gwyneth's Goop: Gwyneth's company "Goop" is called "A modern lifestyle brand", and what could be more modern than making the world smell like the middle ages when people would go to great lengths NOT to smell other people, much less themselves?

BTW, when I clicked the link above for "This Smells Like My Vagina", I get "Access Denied - You don't have permission to access "" on this server."

Talk about big brother AI! Clearly, Fox News knows that I'm married and have absolutely no business smelling other people's vaginas.

Colby Muenster said...

Thanks a lot, Stilton, for putting something in my head that no amount of brain bleach will remove. What is it about Hollyweird that turns people into self-important, out of touch with reality, holier than thou, asswipes? Probably Brie Camembert nailed it.

I saw that Bloomberg ad, and that's the first thing I thought, too. Mike will get WHAT done? I'm thinking it's along the line of a nanny state on steroids. I think what pissed me off most about Bloomberg is him bragging about starting a business that created thousands of jobs. Isn't that (gasp!) capitalism?! So... the ad points out how great capitalism is, but we all know his goal is to destroy capitalism and tax the living shit out of all rich people (save one). Are there liberals in this country stupid enough to not see the hypocrisy? Never mind... forget I asked that.

@M. Mitchell Marmel,
I'm not sure a stinking liberal would ever say that. They might say, "Hold my latte," or "Hold my spiked seltzer."

Velveeta Processed Cheese Food said...

@Pat Cummings: Here in Nebraska we still use hot-iron brands, but they're mostly heated in propane burners nowadays.

Deplorable Me said...

Only two things smell like haddock....and haddocks one of them!

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@pkerot- And in order to make the comparison, does Gwyneth's hoo-hah need to be on fire?

@Sortahwitte- And of the two, hydrogen is the second most common.

@Regnad Kcin- The classics never grow old!

@Brie Camembert- You answered your own question, and absolutely correctly.

@Fish Out of Water- Silence would make sense, but so does repeating a big lie over and over. As for Bloomberg, I'm not sure that he's serious about his candidacy, but wants to be able to spend money attacking Trump while skirting legal limitations.

@M. Mitchell Marmel- I think we've already established that "new lows" are a constant for Democrats.

@Anonymous- Well, nothin' says lovin' like something from the oven...

@Jason Anyone- In my mind, Kerry is a straight-up traitor. Maybe he'd like to explain his visits to Iran post-Trump's election, giving them advice on how to thwart our President?

@Rod- Rather than being a Yankee Candle, Ms. Paltrow's is a Yanker's Candle. Thanks, we'll be here all week!

@Jack- I appreciate you grading on the curve!

@Snark- I agree that the many, MANY scandalous things which occurred weren't by accident. I'd say 20% were through ineptitude, but 80% went off exactly as the detriment of our nation.

@Anonymous- So you're implying that Gwyneth's nether regions are (ahem) "star kissed?"

@Murphy(AZ)- Actually, I'd buy the "Knock a Buzzard off a Shit Hearse" candle just for the label.

@WDS- You mean like "Smells Like My Husband and KY Jelly"?

@sorella- Iran is a mess and I hope I live long enough to see the people there freed.

@TrickyRicky- I'd hate to try to read your comment out loud fast three times...

@Bruce "Bubba" Nelson- That may be the greatest name for a scented candle ever!

@Bruce Bleu- I was going to make a clever response, but after you put the image of Michelle in my head I'm feeling a little faint.

@Pat Cummings- Wow, you conjure a powerful olfactory image.

@Colby Muenster- Sorry about creating a need for brain bleach, but you knew this was dangerous territory coming in. (grin)

@Velveeta Processed Cheese Food- And mostly used on Fraternity members rather than cattle, right?

@Deplorable Me- Once again, brevity proves to be the sole of wit. (And yes, that was a fish pun and not a typo).

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@John the Econ- I think I fixed the link so you can read the news story, whether it's your sniffing business or not (grin).

Sortahwitte said...

My computer between my ears sometimes takes a little while to load. Isn't paltry the slut/bimbo in a movie where she styled her hair with jism? I didn't watch it, but I think I remember the lowlights. Her mother is Blythe Danner, who I always considered one of the classic beauties of holywierd. Life's a cheap, deceptive bitch.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Sortahwitte- You're right about Blythe Danner being her mother (and a classic beauty), but the gal with the distinctive hairstyle was Cameron Diaz in "There's Something About Mary." It's a so-so movie, but that was one of the best sight gags ever.

Sortahwitte said...

My friend, you are exactly right. Thanks.

Rod said...

I watched "There's Something About Mary" only one time. It was the stuck zipper scene that did me in... far more frightening than "Alien. OK Stilt, you're up. [grin]

Unknown said...

yes, put me down for a gross (ahem) of the pelosi candles.

I will be shipping them to the mayor of san francisco.

it should improve the smell of the streets there.

Unknown said...

Mike will get it done.

hmm. someone did not do their research on that one.

you all may recall the infamous pedophile/necrophiliac (yes, really.) from england named jimmy savile.
a confidant of the high and mighty, including the so called "royal" family.

his catch phrase was "jim'll fix it". which sound much like Mikey will eat it. uh, I mean, get it done.

if you dont know the story, use your favorite search engine