The (Red) Suit Makes The Man

Of course, you'll have to sign a liability Claus

Recently, I was surprised to get a phone call from an organization that needed a Santa Claus for a high-profile public event in my hometown of Plano, Texas. A mutual acquaintance recommended me because I'm unemployed, only need to wear red to look like Santa, and can be jolly for short periods in public. Granted, I'd never tried doing so while cold sober, but it was at least theoretically possible.

It didn't seem like it would be that hard a gig - all Santa has to do is ask kids what they want, say "Ho, ho, ho" more often than a rapper, pose for a picture, then send the tot on their way by throwing a small candy cane as far as possible. But it turns out that there's a lot more to it than that.

There is a fascinating subculture of professional Santas and rules about what to do and what not to do. And while doing homework, I quickly learned that saying the wrong thing could scar a child for life, and that having your hands in the wrong place when the camera flashed could get you in a world of trouble. Did you know that Santas buy insurance policies specifically to protect against accusations of (ahem) fondling? Yikes.

Then there's the tension between the Real Beard Santas and the Fake Beard Santas, which could make for a pretty hilarious Hatfield vs McCoys type feud when Hallmark runs out of other topics for Christmas movies. If a fake beard must be used, the only acceptable choice is to buy a custom model woven from yak hair (so named because of the sound you make if it gets in your mouth), which is applied piece by piece to the face with liquid latex or spirit gum.

There are books, documentaries, schools, and scores of YouTube channels about becoming a good Santa. All of which are invaluable if you want to put yourself into a state of complete panic before ascending to the Big Man's throne...

This was my station - although that's not me in the picture.

The venue was Plano's Heritage Farmstead Museum - a great place to visit where you can see an 1800s farmhouse, a schoolhouse, old farming implements, farm animals, and a lot more. For their "Lights on the Farm" event, they have millions of outdoor lights, live music, s'mores and hot cocoa, and the opportunity to have pictures taken with Santa.

On the night I was there, we had about 1000 guests during my 3-hour shift (albeit not all of them sitting on my lap). The kids were great - some in awe, some intimidated, some screaming as if I were the Shropshire Slasher. But I did my best to be Santa - sympathetic, jolly, and a bringer of hope and goodwill. And while the focus is always on the kids, I was able to work some parent-friendly patter into my routine. After the camera flashed, I would complain that there are a million pictures of me looking jolly, but the picture on my driver's license just makes me look like a goofball. Which, by the way, is absolutely true.

The time flew by, and there was never a break in the flow of children. I returned home that night feeling quite good about the whole experience. However, the next morning my vocal cords were fried and I felt like I'd been beaten with fruitcakes. I am an extreme introvert, and there is an actual phenomenon called the "Introvert Hangover" that comes from expending too much energy in social interactions. And so I went from jolly old elf to walking dead overnight.

But it was a great experience, and I've still got a couple of nights on the throne (so to speak) coming up in the near future. With Christmas being a great deal more difficult since losing Kathy, I must say it's nice to be part of other people's Christmas and hopefully add to their joy. I will also enjoy the restorative coma that comes afterwards.

Here's hoping that the holiday spirit is touching all of you in one way or another, and since you've read this far, that is me in the cartoon at the top of the blog. And however foul-tasting it is, that beard's not yak hair.

BONUS: History Clarified

Some years ago, I did a simpler clipart version of this cartoon and it has since gotten a lot of mileage online.
But you saw it here first!