Nutflix

Ambassador Stevens could not be reached for comment

Something has gone very, very wrong at Netflix. They recently made a deal with Barack and Michelle Obama to develop exclusive content for the streaming service. And now, they've made Susan Rice a member of their board of directors, owing to her "great expertise" with foreign policy.

This is a woman who lied her ass off about the Benghazi nightmare, and then went on to be instrumental in the "outing" of individuals who were caught up in the illegal surveillance of people surrounding Donald Trump. She doesn't even deserve a first class prison cell, let alone a high-paying job in which she can inject more of her lies into the nation's bloodstream.

We like Netflix, subscribe to Netflix and, thanks to a fortunate stock purchase, have Netflix to thank for the best part of our retirement funds.

But if they're going to keep up this nonsense, we'll have no problem dumping their service and sticking with the programming on Amazon Prime. Unless, of course, Amazon hires Hillary.

PAPAL BULLETIN

In a surprise announcement (to put it mildly), Pope Francis is alleged to have declared to a journalist that "there is no Hell," and that sinful souls actually just disappear. Perhaps with their soulful feet embedded in a wash tub of cement which is dropped to the bottom of the river Styx.

We should note that the Pope didn't say that last part, although we feel pretty solidly that it's implied.

The Vatican has subsequently released a statement suggesting that the Pope's remarks may have been misconstrued, as an official lack of eternal punishment in Hell might lead some folks (Progressives, for instance) to more fully indulge in their numerous bad habits.

Our take on this is that the Pope is simply aware that Easter and April Fool's Day fall on the same day this year (for the first time in 847 years), and he's making the most of it with a gag which people will have all eternity to laugh about...or regret.

In any case, we wish a sincere Happy Easter to the faithful among us...and encourage others not to use the Pope's pronouncement as an excuse to cause more Hell on Earth.

Roll in the Hay Model

Still giddy from the 500 million taxpayer dollars heading their way from the recently passed "Omnibus Bill," a Pennsylvania branch of Planned Parenthood has come up with a bold new initiative to make their services more appealing to very young girls.

"We need a Disney princess who's had an abortion," the baby butchers happily tweeted.

This puts a new and unwelcomely graphic spin on Snow White's song "Someday my prince will come," implying that he did (wink-wink, nudge-nudge) but didn't stick around afterwards to support the baby mama.

Uh-oh! What should the knocked-up Princess do then, little girls? That's right - get an abortion! Hooray!

As puke-worthy as this notion is, Planned Parenthood wasn't finished with bright ideas for making abortion an entirely acceptable - indeed, routine and cool - alternative to giving birth. Their tweet went on to describe other Disney role models that young girls desperately need:

Presumably, Disney could get the whole job done with a single movie in which an illegal alien princess who's working a union job becomes heavy with child (perhaps after an evil witch has slipped her an enchanted banana). But our resourceful heroine then gleefully has an abortion (singing "What's the issue? It's just tissue!"), and the audience gets a warm and squishy happy ending when the illegal pro-choice union princess has surgery and hormone treatments to become her own handsome prince!

What frankly baffles us, other than how the ghouls at Planned Parenthood sleep at night, is why they've bothered to lump "Princess" in with all the other qualities they think young girls should find laudable.  Is aspiring to Princess-hood possible, plausible, or empowering in any way? Or does it just encourage girls to live in a completely unrealistic fantasy world with their hopes, and presumably legs, in the air - until harsh reality sets in.

At which time, Planned Parenthood will be singing "Hi-ho, hi-ho" as they don their mining helmets and crusty forceps...and rake in more millions of dollars for dumping Disney's dissected future audience members into garbage bags.

Send In The Clones

Perhaps the sound "one hand clapping" isn't such a mystery after all

At a recent speaking engagement in Japan, Barack Obama said that he'd like to spend his post-presidency life mastering the skills to "create a hundred or a thousand or a million young Barack Obamas," and that this terrifying new race "could take the baton in that relay race that is human progress."

An idea which causes trained journalists such as ourselves to ask: "is Obama a new James Bond villain, or is he just out of his freaking mind?!"

In fairness, he's not actually planning to clone himself that many times, but rather is expressing his fervid desire to use cyber-technology and social media to basically erase the minds and wills of a million young people and reprogram them in his image.  Wow, nothing creepy about that!

Presumably the indoctrination process would require the young Obamoids to experience many of the personal and sociological influences that shaped B. Hussein. For starters, all the kids would need to be rejected by their birth parents in order to establish a good baseline of sociopathy and an unquenchable desire for revenge.

Follow that up with some time in Indonesia, attending Muslim schools (and learning to love the sound of the Muslim call to prayer above all other sounds) while occasionally chowing down on a dog or two.

Next, send the trainees to Hawaii where surrogate grandparents will stuff communism down their throats in much the same way that geese are force fed to make their livers tasty. Also, to ensure hatred of laws and the police, the Obamoids will form "choom gangs" who will smoke dope in sealed VW vans (and do a little blow when they can afford it) while ignoring anything remotely like actual school work or community engagement.

Next up: gathering some university credentials- which is not hard to do if they can A) claim to be foreigners when applying for loans ("Congratulations, Mr. Soetoro!") and, B) collect grades without anyone actually seeing them in class.

After that, all the million minions will need is a political launch from the living room of a radical terrorist. If there aren't enough terrorists to go around, the living room of a serial killer can be substituted assuming that guests are kept away from the crawlspace.

And voila! A new master race of self-centered, America-hating assholes ready to do one million times the damage previously done by Obama himself!

No wonder the left is in such a hurry to repeal the 2nd Amendment.

HAVE GUN? WILL GRAVEL!

By now you've probably heard that a school district in Pennsylvania is meeting the threat of school shooters head on by putting a bucket of rocks in every classroom, which the kids should grab and throw at the shooter.

But as much as we're tempted to make a "dumb as a box of rocks" joke, we have to admit that we actually like the idea. Oh, not as much as having armed guards and teachers scattered throughout the building. But failing that, hurled rocks are better than nothing. Albeit barely.

But just having a bucket of rocks isn't enough; time should be spend teaching the kids how to throw with power and death-dealing accuracy (perhaps we could import some instructors from Shariah-ruled countries to help with the fine points).

Additionally, schools could replace standard chemistry lessons with instruction on improvising weapons made from handy classroom items. If MacGyver could make an atomic bomb out of Elmer's glue, a D-cell battery, and a coconut, surely our school kids could at least learn how to make spears, poisoned arrows, and zip guns.

And in all seriousness, would it hurt to keep a nest of poisonous gaboon vipers in classroom terrariums to fling at attackers? No, it would not.

We assume that our suggestions above will soon be implemented in Pennsylvania, to whom we modestly say: don't thank us...we're just doing our jobs as patriotic Americans!

CONGRESSIONAL CUT-UPS

There's a lot to dislike about the 1.3 trillion dollar omnibus spending bill just signed by Donald "Well, I didn't promise I'd veto it" Trump. The fact that Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi are doing handsprings of joy over the new tsunami of spending suggests that this was no win for fiscal conservatives.

Debate rages over whether Trump just screwed the pooch by giving the Democrats everything they wanted (and more), or whether he's playing 4th Dimensional Chess and will be able to spend or withhold all that money any way he wants because it was only an "omnibus bill" and not an actual budget. We're waiting to see how this theory plays out, though we're not optimistic by a long shot.

But today, we just want to express our absolute disgust that after all the talk about defunding Planned Parenthood (especially in light of their appalling practices when it comes to slicing and dicing the unborn and selling the parts), the butchers didn't lose a damn nickel.

Nope - 500 million of our hard earned tax dollars are speeding their way into the bloodstained hands of Planned Parenthood to spend on abortions.

With just enough money left over to send large political donations to those in Washington who don't mind spilling the blood of innocents in return for campaign cash.