Weed The People

One of the most jaw-dropping moments of Wednesday's wildly out of control Democratic debate occurred when frontrunner Bernie Sanders managed to display both his misunderstanding of capitalism and his casual racism in a single statement.

Specifically, Bernie proclaimed that "we're going to provide help to the African-American, Latino, and Native American community to start businesses to sell legal marijuana." Because, in Bernie's view, what the hell else are "those people" qualified to do? It's not like they can aspire to be doctors, electricians, lawyers, plumbers, teachers, computer programmers, or senators - right?

Plus, what red-blooded American won't be thrilled to cast a vote for the one candidate with a real plan to finally end our nation's sad shortage of drug dealers?

Shockingly, but unsurprisingly, no other Democratic candidate on the debate stage voiced any opposition to Sanders' ludicrous and offensive statement. Apparently the party which wants to perpetually keep black Americans on a plantation doesn't care that there's not much difference between picking cotton or cannabis.

BONUS: DON'T FORGET YOUR MASK

For those unfamiliar with the vernacular, a "beard" was a woman who married a gay man in order to help him pass as straight. And if she was really good at her job, she'd also keep the guy from looking like a complete daffodil when choosing bike helmets. Not that we're implying anything about the Obamas, of course.

Especially since the real point of the cartoon is the CDC's potentially life-saving announcement that men need to shave off their beards in order to get a good seal on the antiviral masks which may, or may not, help them avoid becoming infected with the soon-to-be-out-of-control coronavirus.

And while we don't yet have tremendous confidence in the CDC's ability to handle the crisis, we will admit that we were impressed by the highly detailed beard chart they created at taxpayer expense:

Seriously, who knew that facial hair came in styles called the French Fork, Chin Curtain, Balbo, Hulihee, Horseshoe, and Lampshade? And who the Hell do they think they're fooling by renaming the "Hitler" as the "Toothbrush"?!

Personally, we sport a wild and abundant ruff of white whiskers. A look which, in December, people fondly call the "Father Christmas" and the other eleven months of the year call the "creepy derelict." But the sad bottom line is that we're likely in for a close shave soon, and that "Locks of Love" will be wholly uninterested in a donation of our face pubes.

BONUS: NO WAIT, WE MEANT "BONE US"

We have never felt closer in spirit to Ned Beatty's character in "Deliverance" than when we looked at our weeping, dirt-smeared retirement investments on Thursday as they attempted to pull up their torn tighty whities.

We've been prudently stockpiling food, water, medications and more...but apparently we severely underestimated our need for the Costco-sized drum of KY Jelly.

Muh, Muh, Muh, My Corona

Today we're putting politics aside to speak about a genuinely serious issue: the continuing spread of Covid-19 (which we'll also call coronavirus, like everyone else does). First and foremost, we want to emphasize that this is not the time to panic!

(ding!)

Okay, now it's time! Well, not to actually panic - but to take the whole situation seriously enough that you start making some preparations while it's still easy to do so. But first, let's define what we're likely preparing for: not the apocalypse, not zombies walking in the streets, and not the collapse of society. No, those are the things that will happen if Bernie Sanders becomes president.

And here's some good news: even if you get the virus, the odds are wildly in favor of you surviving it. At least, the first time you get it (the next time may cause heart failure, because why the hell not?). But up to 20% of people will get pneumonia which may require hospital treatment, and 3% or more will Bite the Big One which, surprisingly, is not Pete Buttigieg's campaign slogan.

Now here's the bad news: it's a virtual certainty at this point that the virus cannot be contained, and it will be coming to your community. And it's a tricky little bastard! Covid-19 is wildly infectious and can be transmitted from touching infected surfaces or even breathing virus-contaminated air. The virus can be spread by people who are entirely asymptomatic, meaning that they will look, feel, and believe themselves to be healthy as they happily spread an illness which has a 1 in 33 chance of killing the people they interact with. Which also means that you could personally become a "spreader" without knowing it initially, because the virus can remain dormant (but infectious) for up to 24 days (don't believe the 14 day number you've heard - it's wrong, and a lot of people are being released from quarantine way too soon).

Hopefully, effective treatments and even a vaccine will become available - but don't bet on that happening before you suddenly find yourself in a "hot zone" (as is happening in more and more places worldwide. Imagine the surprise Italian villagers felt when they suddenly found their roads blocked by armed soldiers). Rather, we're all likely to be faced with an extended time in which social isolation (voluntary or compulsory) and supply chain disruption (seen the stock market the last couple of days? Yowsah!) is an uncomfortable new norm.

Which is why we're recommending that you (yes you!) lay in some supplies now which could get you through 2-4 weeks. We're assuming that regular utilities will continue to function, so we're really talking about food, emergency medical supplies, stocking up on prescription medications, toilet paper, paper towels and such. Bleach, cleaning wipes, and Purell will come in handy, too.

And booze. Lots of booze. Clan MacGregor, for instance, can be used to disinfect surfaces or as a germicidal to cleanse wounds. And, in event of a real emergency, you can even drink it!

And that's about all we're going to say about Covid-19 for now, because if we haven't convinced you yet to lay in at least a few supplies, we're not likely to change your mind. We will, however, point you to one of the online sources of information we've been following, which has proved accurate, ahead of the curve, and neither falsely inflammatory nor comforting in their daily updates over the past weeks:

Be safe out there, folks! And take comfort from the fact that large gatherings of people (like political conventions) are likely to soon fall out of fashion.

DISCLAIMER: As always, I reserve the right to be wrong - and in this case, I hope I am!

ON THE BRIGHTER SIDE

Readers of this blog will recognize the name of young Lucas Hembree, a terminally ill boy who we've followed online for years, and who has received donations from some of you generous folks. We have a simple request which can make a big impact on the Hembree family.

Lucas is about to have his 13th birthday...an age doctors didn't think he'd reach. And to celebrate, his parents are hoping that they'll get a lot of birthday cards. Cards that Lucas can enjoy on his special day, and which will eventually be a comforting family memorial. You can read a full newspaper story about it here. 

Lucas isn't really verbal at this point, so cards with fun, colorful pictures are best, as are those which make sounds. (Helpful hint: you can get absolutely fine cards at your local dollar store)

Please send cards to:

Lucas Hembree

1454 Mimosa Drive

Louisville, TN 37777

BONUS: FROM THE VAULT

Since we've been a bit light on humor today, we thought we'd revisit this cartoon from a previous disease scare...

Feeling the Bernski

For once, we can't fault his logic

A couple of funny things happened recently, just after the mainstream media's latest round of unsubstantiated accusations that Russia is interfering in our election process by (ahem) "again" supporting Donald Trump.

First, it turned out that Russia is actually interfering by trying to help Bernie Sanders' campaign. Second, Bernie had a surprisingly (indeed, almost suspiciously) large primary win in Nevada thanks to a large plurality of vodka-scented voters.

Of course, the mainstream media is now calling Bernie's win a fake and a fraud, and American intelligence agencies are planting spies in the Sanders' campaign team and opening multiple investigations with an eye towards prison sentences for Comrade Bernie and all of his co-conspirators.

Just kidding! That's what was done to Donald Trump! Instead, Bernie's campaign was politely informed of the possible Russian interference (a courtesy never extended to Trump), after which Bernie blustered publicly that he doesn't want that kind of help and that there will be "big trouble" if the Russians don't cut it out "right after election day."

In other Sanders-related news, once again there's proof of the old political adage: "As goes Danny DeVito, so goes Dick Van Dyke." The beloved (and that definitely includes our feelings for him) 94 year old comic actor has recently been featured in a Youtube campaign ad to address concerns about the wild-haired socialist's advanced age...

Oh, Rob...!

The ad was a little vague about what exactly Bernie will do for people in Mr. Van Dyke's age bracket, but it is thought that in lieu of actual healthcare, President Sanders will send caseworkers to the homes of oldsters "to move those damn ottomans that are so easy to trip over."