Hawaiian Punch

There's a new podcast (we think "oddcast" would be a more appropriate name) in which regular old American millionaires Bruce Springsteen and Barack Obama sit around and talk about why our country sucks.

As part of the discussion, Barry recalled a time in middle school when he quarreled with a young friend who called him a "coon," after which "I popped him in the face and broke his nose." To which Springsteen responded "Well done," because busting someone's nose is absolutely the right response if they call you something offensive like, oh, a Nazi or racist.

Recounting the event, Barry said, "Now first of all, ain't no coons in Hawaii." Which, we believe, was the b-side to Don Ho's recording of "Tiny Bubbles." Although in fairness, maybe it was just the remembered trauma that suddenly triggered Obama to start communicating in dialect, saying that racial hate speech is used on people for "taking advantage of 'em, cheatin' 'em, stealin' from 'em, killin' 'em, raping 'em." Seriously, he sounded like a psychotic Bubba Gump listing shrimp recipes from Hell.

But did the incident ever really take place or, like Barry's imaginary "composite girlfriend" in college, is this just another self-serving lie? And, more importantly, why do we keep making rhetorical questions out of things that are painfully obvious?

IT GOES WITHOUT SAYING

For the first time in 87 years (back when Joe Biden was only a teenager), there has been no State of the Union Address given in January or February. Which likely can be ascribed to Joe's busy, busy, busy "Black History Month" schedule and putting kids in cages rather than, oh, his increasing tendency to stammer, mangle words, and stare into space.

Mainstream media outlets are trying to cover for ol' Joe by saying that the last six Presidents didn't give a State of the Union Address during their inaugural years. Less publicized is the fact that all six of those Presidents did give a State of the Union speech (which is apparently much, much different than an "address") to a joint session of Congress during either January or February of their inaugural year.

But precedents, like election laws, were made to be broken. Which is why it will probably still be a few months before we get a State of the Union Address...from President Harris.

Bum's Rush

In this miserable year, it takes a real effort to find good news worth reporting - but thankfully we've found just such a story!

To cope with the epidemic of biohazardous needles littering Seattle's sidewalks, the city has now initiated a program to popularize the practice of "Booty Bumping," in which heroin enters the body by way of the asshole (and in Seattle, there are plenty of them). To facilitate this practice, the city is giving away the necessary equipment (basically a rubber squeeze bulb of the sort used to suction mucus from a baby's nose which, for all we know, is also some kind of perverse turn-on in Seattle).

"But," say the heroin addicts, "won't shoving heroin up my ass look undignified? What's in it for me?" And the answer, according to local Democrats, is "plenty!" Their distribution materials point out that users can get a bigger and quicker rush from heroin when it's delivered via the Hershey Highway, that there's less risk of needle-transmitted disease, and the process is better for the addict's skin in that it doesn't leave unsightly track marks on their arms. Track marks in their Fruit of the Looms is apparently less of a consideration.

While heartless conservative types might want to help the addicts actually get off drugs and off the streets, the Democrats have chosen another path (so to speak) which we can actually get behind (oops, sorry). In fact, now that the Democrats run everything in the country, we applaud solving social issues by adopting a "shove it up your ass" attitude. Perhaps the healing really has begun.

(Editorial Note / Correction: In an earlier version of this story we said this was happening in San Francisco rather than Seattle. We apologize for our mistake, and will henceforth only take Clan MacGregor orally.)

A COLA DAY IN HELL

By now we've all heard about the anti-racist training being forced on employees of Coca-Cola (and most other major companies).  And while this training is very specific about all Caucasians being genetically aggressive, arrogant, ignorant, tribal, and cursed with undersized genitalia, the recommendations for helping these pale miscreants find spiritual and cultural redemption are a bit more vague.  But we're here to help!

Thanks to a quick Internet search (which, according to Joe Biden, our brothers and sisters of color can't quite figure out how to do) we've found a video which will allow you to take the woke advice of Coca-Cola and "try to be Les White"...

Iran Rap

First, the headlines...

Now that Joe "There Is No Vaccine" Biden has firmly established that his administration is really Obama's third term on LSD-laced steroids, we're seeing a lot of old policy failures being reanimated as shiny new policy failures.  A particular case in point is Iran, and Biden's current outreach to eliminate Trump-era sanctions on the demonic nation, facilitate their ability to buy advanced weapons (frequently with our money), and the proposal of a bold new offer to wear double surgical masks over our eyes so we can't monitor Iran's accelerating nuclear weapons program.

So as long as Biden is recycling policy, we can damn well recycle what we said about it the first time around...

July 15, 2015

Another big f*cking deal, right Mr. Biden?

Barack Hussein Obama took to the airwaves early Tuesday morning to announce that our years of tough, hardball negotiations with Iran have finally paid off in a deal which forces the "Death to America, Death to Israel" terrorism-exporting, always-lying nation to not only pinky-swear that they will stop developing nuclear weapons, but - at the insistence of John "Swiftboat" Kerry - also cross their hearts not to cheat this time.

In return for all this impressive promising, Obama's tough deal has given the Iranians very, very little. All we have to do is remove all economic sanctions from Iran, immediately ship them tens of billions of dollars, allow them to keep feverishly spinning and enriching nuclear materials in their cyclotrons, supply them with additional and more sophisticated cyclotrons, and allow them to continue development of ballistic missiles and weapons systems.

Oh yeah, we also have agreed to let them work on their nuclear hobbies pretty much wherever they want without fear of sudden unwanted inspections, allow them to keep supporting and exporting worldwide terror and calling for the destruction of the U.S. and Israel. Finally, and most importantly,  the United States was required to set up "a really bitching public address system" in Tehran from which Martha & The Vandellas "Dancing in the Streets" is even now playing on an endless loop for the jubilant Iranian people.

Unsurprisingly, our now-former allies in Israel are less enthusiastic about the deal, with one official saying it represents "a historic surrender by the West to the axis of evil headed by Iran."

In response, Obama has assured Israel that "if you like your existence on the map, you can keep it. Period. Case closed!"

There is still at least a possibility that Congress will be able to kill the deal, although the president warns that he will veto any such move. A stance much tougher than any he took with Iran.

But then, the president and Congress aren't on the same side.

Hey, as long as it's between consenting countries it's cool - right?

BONUS: From The HnC Vault...

Hey, wait a minute...