Friday, January 5, 2018

Push One for Armageddon

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Liberals had to take to their smelling salts and fainting couches again this week following Donald Trump's latest Twitter escapade.

In a nutshell (which seems like a good way to start most news stories these days), the Pillsbury Doughboy's evil twin, North Korea's Kim Jung Un, tweeted that he now has a nuclear button on his desk that he could use at any time. In response, Donald Trump tweeted that he had a bigger nuclear button which he described as "horse-sized" and "throbbing."

Okay, we're not 100% sure about that last part, but we intend to look it up right after posting this.

Liberals immediately had conniption fits about the President making "size" comparisons, joking about nuclear war, and the frightening possibility that this could escalate into a war of "Yo Mama" tweets between the two heads of state.

And while we at Stilton's Place usually take a dim view of Trump's tweeting, considering the fact that he probably does have a big nuclear button on his desk, we're just as happy that he's found something else with which to keep his hands busy.


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The cartoon above constitutes our official announcement of the Stilton Jarlsberg Diet Plan (watch for the inspirational book!) which we may or may not reference again in the coming weeks and months.

The whole "you look just like Santa!" thing really peaked for us in the final months of this year, and not inaccurately so. Jolly? Check. Long white hair and beard? Check. Belly that shakes when we laugh like a bowlful of jelly? Checkmate.

SOooo, we're going low-carb, cutting back on the Clan MacGregor, and hitting the gym (we've already gone one day in a row already!) in hopes of dumping more weight than we feel comfortable talking about (imagine enough to build a pajama boy-sized millennial).

Tips ("Put a picture of Hillary in her bathing suit on your refrigerator door!"), hints, and encouragement will all be welcomed, as will any suggestions about how to make this fun and maybe even add some element of public accountability. Hey, if we've been demanding it from politicians, we should at least consider it for ourselves!

Wednesday, January 3, 2018

2017 - The Year in Review (Part Two)

Welcome back! In our last post, we covered January through June of last year in much the same way a cat knows instinctively what needs covering in a litter box.

Of course, political commentary is no job for a cat. It has only 9 lives, while we need to cover 12 months. The next of which is...

July -

For roughly the billionth time, Donald Trump is accused of being a bigot after issuing a policy decision (on Twitter, unsurprisingly) that transgender people shouldn't serve in the military. Why? Because transgenders generally have ongoing medical conditions and needs which can't be treated in the field, potentially putting others at risk.

Despite this entirely logical position, those on the Left scream in outrage (as is their wont) and ask for someone, anyone, to make sense of how the country has fallen into this low and hate-filled state. And guess who claims to have the answer...?

Hillary Clinton announces her upcoming book will be titled "What Happened," and will explain how she lost a fixed election. She doesn't say if the book will also say "what happened" to Seth Rich, a mysteriously murdered DNC worker who likely leaked documents about Hillary's corrupting influence during the campaign.

Pausing to make sure our doors are securely locked and our kevlar vest in place, we move ahead to...

August -

CNN "reporter" Jim Acosta proved himself to be a complete and utter dolt when attempting to challenge Trump senior policy advisor Stephen Miller on proposed changes to our immigration laws.

Acosta's argument rested on the belief that our actual immigration policy is legally based entirely on the Emma Lazarus poem, "The New Colossus," which is found at the base of the Statue of Liberty and proclaims that the really best immigrants are tired, poor, wretched, tempest-tossed, disease ridden, drug mules, potential terrorists, rapists and pedophiles. All of which leads us to guess that Lazarus was no stranger to the bottle. Nor were we, after getting...

In what basically amounted to the Stupidity Olympics, Charlottesville hosted a messy confrontation between alt-Right demonstrators, Black Lives Matter protesters, violence-prone Antifa groups carrying weapons, and an inept police force which was actually ordered to let the situation get out of control. Which it most certainly did.

One liberal protester was killed after being struck by a car, and the media immediately blamed the tragic death on Donald Trump's theoretical (albeit nonexistent) embrace of Nazis and the KKK. In general, the mess was considered a complete success by the Left because they got to beat the hell out of a bunch of white people and they could claim the moral high ground because of one death.

All in all, it was a dark day for America. But not as dark as it was going to get...

Americans basically lost their minds over the prospect of experiencing a total eclipse of the sun, during which they could stand in a moon shadow (which was a darn good song by pre-Islam Cat Stevens) and stare directly at the sun to discover the wonder of burning holes in your retinas by wearing cheap knockoff Chinese eclipse glasses.

News channels excitedly covered the event live, proclaiming it to be a "once in a lifetime" event which won't happen here again for, uh, 7 years. Which is about as much of a "once in a lifetime" event as August somehow turning into...

September -

During an interview pushing her bitter, brain-damaged memoir "What Happened," Hillary Clinton recalled details of her yoga lessons despite having erased some 33,000 "personal" emails on the subject (along with other "personal" email like details of her mother's funeral, Chelsea's wedding, family recipes, state secrets, and multiple refusals of additional security to Ambassador Stevens in Benghazi).

Part of her yoga routine consisted of highly challenging "alternate nostril breathing," which involves closing one nostril with a finger and then breathing deeply through the other. No, really. In fairness, while the technique doesn't sound impressive, "breathing" was pretty much the only real qualification Hillary had for the Presidency.

Meanwhile, professional football players were "taking the knee" during the national anthem to protest violence committed against black people by those in uniform who aren't paid millions of dollars to commit violence on television.

As fans increasingly turned away from the games, Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones came up with the brilliant idea of having the entire team kneel, albeit not during the anthem. This did not play well in Dallas, where five police officers had recently been murdered while protecting the rights of anti-police protesters. NFL viewership, both live and on television, deflated faster than one of Tom Brady's footballs.

Ironically, balls would also be deflated when tragedy suddenly struck at the heart of one of America's other favorite pastimes. ..

The eternally pajama-clad creator of Playboy magazine, Hugh Hefner, kicked the bucket at age 91. He left behind millions of American men who, upon considering Hefner's life and legacy, were asking themselves, "How the hell did he get away with all that?!"

Hefner also created the Playboy calendar, which probably looked pretty good in...

October -
And maybe let them stay in one of your three homes?
Following a devastating hurricane, Donald Trump criticized the mayor of hurricane-ravaged San Juan, Puerto Rico, for falsely accusing him of sending no aid to victims, treating Puerto Ricans like animals, and encouraging genocide.

Likewise, Leftists like Bernie Sanders jumped on the bandwagon despite the checkable fact that the President was inundating Puerto Rico with aid...and the mayor in question was a Hillary-supporting whackjob.

And as long as we're on the topic of whacking...

Hollywood mogul Harvey Weinstein, a liberal champion and deep pockets Democratic donor, was outed as a longtime serial sexual predator whose abuse of "casting couch" privileges would make Caligula puke. This unleashed a pent-up wave of rage against sexual predators, real or imagined, and caused a massive tweet storm of #MeToo messages from other potted plants in Weinstein's past.

Oddly, the mainstream media didn't report on the #MeToo messages posted by the victims of Hillary's husband. Nor did they say much about the next event in her unending series of scandals...

To the shock of pretty much no one with an IQ above that of a blobfish, we learned that Hillary Clinton's campaign and the DNC had funded much of the (ahem) "research" that resulted in the infamous "golden showers" Trump Russian dossier. The specious document was then passed on to John McCain, who passed it along to FBI Director (at the time) James Comey, who used it to kick off investigations and wiretaps of Trump's campaign for alleged collusion with Russia.

Surely this attempt to co-op and corrupt the Justice Department for her political gain was Hillary's most blatant sin during her campaign. Or so we thought until...

November -

Donna Brazile, who headed the DNC in the final days leading up to the election, released a book called "Hacks," which detailed how Hillary essentially bought the entire DNC during the primaries and thereafter made all decisions to guarantee her eventual candidacy. And all the DNC had to do in return was cash the checks from Hillary and look the other way while populist favorite Bernie Sanders was screwed into the ground. Which proved not to be a problem for them because they are, let's face it, complete whores.

Unlike the virtuous women who came forward to name the next predator guilty of #MeToo slap and tickle activities...

Feminists were horrified when an old photo emerged of Senator Al Franken pretending to grab a sleeping woman's boobs - an act pretty much equivalent to rape except for the having sex part or actually touching. 

Believing it to be to their political advantage, female Democrats in the House and Senate harshly criticized Franken for having given countless conservative meme-makers a perfect photo to play with in Photoshop.

Not that every jaw-dropping photo needs to be faked in Photoshop...

Yes, that's really Matt Lauer. No, we don't know if Al Franken ever touched him inappropriately.
"Today" show host Matt Lauer was fired from NBC for "inappropriate sexual behavior" owing to his tendency to have quicky sex with female subordinates in the bathrooms and trapping unwilling women in his office by locking the door with a so-called "rape button" wired into his desk.

Acts which no doubt put him on Santa's really, really naughty list in...

December -

Senate slimeball Al Franken finally announced that, despite being totally innocent, he would be resigning "in a few weeks" in response to multiple accusations that he failed to ask women beforehand if they'd like to use his tongue as a throat lozenge.

Not that it was the biggest thing that stuck in certain women's throats...

Just ask Al Franken.
The House and Senate passed a sweeping tax reform bill without garnering a single Democrat's vote, despite the fact that the plan offers billions of dollars in tax savings to middle class families and a generous increase in benefits to any family with children - constituencies the Democrats claim to speak for.

The Democrats were in unanimous opposition because some cuts went to those who pay the vast majority of taxes (the Evil Rich, who should more properly be hung like piƱatas and beaten with sticks until they explode in a shower of bloodstained wealth) and other cuts went to corporations to encourage them to bring money back from overseas and produce more employment. And if there's one thing Democrats really hate, it's jobs.

All in all, it was one heckuva Christmas gift to America. Not that everyone agreed...

This is the Hope n' Change cartoon we waited nine years to write.
As this crazy year sputtered to an end with the Left seemingly in ruins, a lone social justice warrior decided to raise his voice in protest against the madness which had seemingly engulfed America. He chose an act which would be seen by the entire world, and draw immediate comparisons to the brave soul who faced down a column of tanks in Tiananmen Square.

We're talking, of course, about the dolt who shot video of himself shouting at a Donald Trump robot in the Disney World "Hall of Presidents" attraction...

Our American cussin'.
Considering the Mickey Mouse nature of the previous administration, it was the perfect act of ridiculous irony with which to close out a long and surreal year.

Not that we expect anything less from 2018 - keep coming back to Stilton's Place to share (and laugh at) the ongoing adventure!

Monday, January 1, 2018

2017 - The Year in Review (Part One)

2017 is dead and gone, and we're here today to give it our traditional autopsy. Make sure you're wearing your surgical mask, gloves and smock - this isn't going to be pretty.

January - 

President-elect Trump prepares to take office while Democrats, Washington elites, and the media keep hoping that they're just having a really bad LSD trip. As reality set in, Barack "I Loathe America" Obama deigned to give Trump some helpful advice...

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Of course, we now know that Obama was well aware that the intelligence agencies (at least at the highest levels) were involved up to their adam's apples in conspiratorial pro-Hillary anti-Trump mischief which, in other countries, would have been handled with firing squads when the new administration came in.

Perhaps to show the importance of respecting our intelligence agencies, the outgoing president then made a stunning move...

After repeatedly saying that our entire system of democracy was undermined by the theft of secrets which ended up on Wikileaks, Obama commuted the 35-year espionage sentence of Private Bradley Manning (now "Chelsea Manning" through the politically popular miracle of gender reassignment and garden shears) for the theft of secrets which ended up on Wikileaks.

Which was yet another reason we weren't sorry when Inauguration Day arrived...

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Trump's inauguration was glorious on many levels - not the least of which was Barry finally leaving the White House, and the deliciously sweet knowledge that it was the worst day of Hillary Clinton's life. The occasion was marred only slightly by the new President's insistence that his inauguration was attended by "75 billion people, many of whom came from distant galaxies to be here."

But in the midst of all the celebrations and renewed hope for America, tragedy unexpectedly struck on January 26, when the last Hope n' Change cartoon was posted and Stilton left the building under a tattered, 8-year old "Mission Accomplished" banner.

The nation mourns until...

February - 

Surprise! After going through severe withdrawal pains we launched "Stilton's Place," which was exactly the same as Hope n' Change, including the same familiar faces...

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Funny, we thought your generation knew ALL the four letter words...
Frankly, we had to come back. Per the first editorial on the new site: "Donald Trump is Presidenting like he has a roman candle shooting out of his rear end, which is sometimes good, sometimes bad, and always (gulp) exciting. Meanwhile, those on the Left have upped their game from insane to criminally insane, having conniption fits over the slightest of upsets and calling for the blood of conservatives to flow in the streets."

And so, the battle between good and evil was rejoined, just in time for...

March -
This has been a public cervix announcement.

After spending 8 years watching Obama put his shoes on the executive desk, Leftists suddenly decided that "knees off the furniture" was critically important in the Oval Office.

Mind you, these are the same idiots who didn't complain a bit when Monica Lewinsky's knees hit the carpet and Bill Clinton's "precious bodily fluids" were shooting around that same oval office like a Red Bull-fueled fire hose. Even today, we think there's probably more of Bill's DNA in that room than there is in Chelsea.

Meanwhile, the Washington "swamp" did everything in its power to undermine the new President and his team...

"Fingers" Franken in happier times.
Not only was there no evidence of Trump's campaign "colluding" with Russia, but the whole premise never made sense. Why would Putin want a wildcard like Donald Trump in office instead of the blackmail-ripe woman who had already sold Putin 20% of our uranium reserves in return for a quick influx of cash?

And speaking of sleazy Clinton deals...

Hey Bill, is that a missile in your pocket or are you glad to see me?
North Korea's roly-poly but unloveable leader Kim Jong-un started an exciting new hobby of testing missiles, setting off nuclear detonations, and swearing to destroy the United States in colorfully insane declarations. Trump countered with increasingly brutal tweets, including one that said Kim's late father "smelled of elderberries."

Little mentioned in all this was the fact that during Bill Clinton's administration, the president and his wife made a special allowance (in return for a buttload of campaign cash) for an American company to sell missile guidance technology to China, which in turn sold it to North Korea.

As icing on the (yellow)cake, the Bill & Hillary administration also gave North Korea nuclear reactors. What could possibly go wrong? 

And yet, our nation was still stunned by an unexpected nuclear event in...

April -

History was made when, for the first time since our nation became a nation, Democrats filibustered an exemplary Supreme Court Nominee solely because - and we've got plenty of political scientists and analysts to back us up on this - they were complete and total assholes.

The only way around this epic act of douchebaggery was for Senate Republicans to invoke the so-called "nuclear option," which - disappointingly - did not require inviting Democrats to "a picnic and very special surprise" in the remotest corner of Nevada.

Still, despite the terrific Supreme Court victory, Trump wasn't able to immediately enact everything he'd promised voters...

Rather than having the Democrats shut down the government (and to prevent them from again turning Americans away from Mount Rushmore, Old Faithful, and the Washington Monument), Donald Trump agreed to let an interim spending bill (is there any other kind?) proceed without the startup money for his border wall.

This unexpectedly conciliatory move gave the mass media reason to see the new President in a more favorable light. Not that it happened in...

May -

Yes, Colbert really said that. And yes, his ear is really hideously deformed.

On the CBS "Late Show," Stephen Colbert delivered an extended, gutter-language attack on President Trump. This would become the new norm for news shows, entertainment shows, and any gathering of two or more liberals.

And President Trump was big enough to shrug it off, apparently believing not only that "words can never hurt me" but "if they do hurt, I'm going to kick someone's ass." 

Fortunately, there was a loudmouthed ass just begging for such treatment...

FBI Director James Comey got fired for being a complete ass-weasel, Hillary shill, and rabid anti-Trump saboteur. Which suddenly made him a virtuous martyr in the eyes of Democrats who had previously labeled him "Public Enemy Number One" for accidentally derailing Hillary's coronation by burying only 98% of her crimes.

The embittered Comey then leaked a private Presidential conversation to the press, claiming falsely that Trump tried to involve him in a conspiracy to obstruct justice. A lie which would eventually lead to the appointment of Robert Mueller as a really annoying and equally corrupt Special Counsel.

Hollywood leftists then decided that they were showing too much restraint in their criticism of Trump, and had to up their game...

The last known picture of Kathy Griffin when she had a career.
Alleged "comedian" Kathy Griffin (best known for being an angry, unfunny, and annoying presence who has never even accidentally made an audience laugh) held up Donald Trump's bloody, severed head under the belief that Americans find both assassination and ISIS to be hilariously funny.

Amazingly, she got so much negative feedback (even from the Left) that her national tour was cancelled and she was fired from her longterm gig of co-hosting New Year's Eve coverage on a major network.

As far as we know, the only work she can now find involves going to ISIS training camp to entertain the troops, like some sort of Bizarro-world America-hating Bob Hope from Hell.

And speaking of the fiery furnace...

June -

He's been down there since Inauguration Day.
Donald Trump took to the Rose Garden to announce his unwavering support for the end of the world. At least, that's how Leftists described Trump's decision to pull out of the Paris Climate Accord because the terms were unfairly stacked against America and Americans.

Trump actually announced that he would honor withdrawal terms negotiated by Obama, meaning it would take up to 4 years to actually leave the accord...with the final decision left to voters in the next Presidential election. Still, he would subsequently be blamed for every hurricane, wild fire, and cow fart which defiled Mother Earth.

Of course, the Left knew exactly what needed to be done...

We're not sure if this production is "Hamlet" or "As You Like It."
New York's well-funded (including with tax money) "Shakespeare in the Park" company staged a modern day retelling of Julius Caesar in which the title character is depicted as Donald Trump - causing liberal glee when he's graphically and bloodily assassinated onstage by knife-wielding maniacs costumed as Washington insiders. 

What a great family outing, huh? And how better to introduce kids to Shakespeare than by making it "fun" with the repeated stabbing of an American President?!

Not that the real Trump was incapable of the occasional self-inflicted wound...

Following disgraced former FBI director James Comey's assertions that Trump told him to obstruct justice in a secret Oval Office conversation, the President made numerous tweets that he had audio recordings of everything and would prove Comey a liar.

Unfortunately, when pressed on the point Trump admitted that he had no secret tapes of any conversations.  Despite this, good Americans knew that Trump wasn't lying but was instead slightly nuts. Albeit not as nuts as the "fake news" media...

In an effort to increase their plummeting journalistic credibility, CNN invited Sesame Street's "Elmo" to participate in a panel discussion about President Trump's temporary travel ban and its possible effect on young Syrian refugees. No, really.

The guest shot proved to be so successful that CNN immediately took action to have their regular news anchors perform with a hand up their ass while on the air. The effort eventually failed when it was discovered that there was simply no room, owing to the anchors' heads already being in there.


Join us Wednesday for The Year in Review (Part Two)!