One Good Term Deserves Another

And a fresh pair of Depends.

Donald Trump has finally ended the suspense, not that any had actually developed yet, and officially announced that he'll be running for President again in 2020.

This sets a new official record of early declaration for the office, but fails to surpass the unofficial record which was set when baby Hillary spoke her first words.

Trump has named a digital whiz to be his campaign manager and is currently assembling a team of creative writers to come up with catchy new hat slogans like "Keep America Trump Again" or "Eight is Great," as well as penning insulting schoolyard nicknames for potential opponents like "Oprah Lose-frey," "Braindead" Biden, and "Burned Out" Sanders.

Of course, one other highly-touted potential candidate is out there, and she's just announced a brand new book which will come out in (surprise!) November...

Because "Obama Sutra" was already taken by some asshole.

We're just kidding about the whole "sex manual" thing (probably) and don't actually know a whole lot about the upcoming book other than that Michelle is splitting a $60 million payday with Barry for her literary efforts.

Lest that seem like gross overpayment, the Obamas have been quick to point out that they will donate "an undisclosed but significant portion of their earnings to charity, including (wait for it!) the Obama Foundation." Once again, the left pocket won't let the right pocket go hungry.

The book is being called a "memoir" (which is French for "ghost-written) and will detail how Michelle became the woman she is today. We don't know if any of the chapters will involve hormone therapy or surgical procedures, and we're too high-minded to speculate.

An audiobook version will also be available, read by the former first lady herself, and is expected to finally wring the last useful information out of Guantanamo detainees who are forced to listen to it.

Month Upon a Time

Okay, we don't particularly have anything against Black History Month, but we didn't want this short month to pass without mentioning it - and slamming liberal hypocrisy at the same time. Because we genuinely believe that many liberals live their lives by the philosophy Lucy demonstrates in that last panel. After all, what fun is virtue signaling if no one is watching?

And because we're actively filling space today, here's a cartoon from the vault on the subject...

Of course, February isn't the only thing sputtering to a halt. The Winter Olympics in South Korea have finally drawn to a close and, despite the American team wowing the world and making our enemies cower by winning gold for "curling," we have no regrets about missing the whole darn thing.

Because despite the many events done in extremely different ways (as Basil Fawlty said on Gourmet Night), they all strike us as being variations on a single pointless theme: doing the hardest thing possible on a slippery surface without falling down.

So why not at least make events that people can really relate to, like having athletes race up iced apartment stairways while carrying grocery bags? Or seeing how fast athletes can use snow shovels to clear driveways? And why in the world is there no snowman-building competition?! No wonder television ratings stunk this year.

Of course, there are other ways to make the Winter Olympics interesting. Like by holding them in the summer. We present our case below...

Casual Friday

The news is uniformly dopey and annoying ("Momentum builds to give vote to 16-year olds"), so we're just keeping things light and pleasant here today.

First up, the captioned cartoon craze that's sweeping the nation...

And now, in keeping with the theme of the illustration above, we present some more random crap!

• THE KETO HAPPINESS - Weight Updeight

We're still sticking with the ketogenic diet we started at New Year's in an attempt to quickly lose enough weight to make another Ruth Bader Ginsburg (not that we'd want to), but success has been elusive. About 4 weeks in, we discovered we'd lost a grand total of 3 pounds. Obviously, something needed to change - so we've stopped weighing ourselves.

We're not noticing our clothes getting any looser either, which doesn't help motivate us to stick to a diet of meat, meat, and meat...with pork rinds for snacks. Whee.

But we're absolutely tearing it up at the YMCA's "Active Older Adults" exercise class. After just 6 short weeks, we can go as long as 5 minutes in class before we have to suck vigorously from our water bottle and gasp while our blue-haired classmates continue pumping iron while dancing.

We'll also note that there is an element of personal danger in these classes, as we're compelled to use the same kind of rubber exercise bands which allegedly beat the living hell out of Harry Reid once. The memory of which, we'll admit, is pretty much the only thing that makes us smile during our workout.

If you icepick it, it won't get better