Friday, August 24, 2018

Hawaiian Aye-Aye-Aye!

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A lot of people might get lei'd to rest...
Within the next few hours, we'll know if Hawaii has been devastated by its worst hurricane in decades, or if the fates have smiled once again on the islands and steered Hurricane Lane back out to sea.

If disaster is avoided, however, it certainly won't be because of anything the local government and emergency preparedness agencies have done (specifically on the island of Oahu, the home to Honolulu, Waikiki, and Pearl Harbor). To put it delicately, the officials' preparations would feel right at home on a pupu platter...because those plans are pupu from top to bottom.

A quick bit of back story: for many years, Stilton's parents lived on Oahu (a sibling still does), and so we were frequent visitors. The island is unquestionably spectacularly beautiful, but anything government has touched has gone straight to hell. Pretty much nothing works right in Hawaii, in part because the island's culture encourages a lackadaisical attitude toward anything like efficiency, responsibility, and basic competence. When visiting, our day-to-day mantra was "Nothing is easy in Hawaii."

It's among our most socialist states, with almost everyone getting some kind of handout from the government. It has the highest per capita homeless population of any state. Prices for everything are sky high. Their medical system has been described as that of a "third world country" owing to doctors fleeing the state because of unsustainably small payments from Medicare and Medicaid (a canary in the coal mine that we on the mainland had better pay attention to). And for many years, building standards were so lax (and builders so casually inept) that a significant percentage of homes offer no protection at all in case of emergency conditions. Frankly, Gilligan's Island had a way better model of sustainability in all ways.

Which now brings us to Hurricane Lane. Considering hurricanes are pretty much a known threat to Hawaii, you'd think they'd have emergency plans out the wazoo. But no, their plans remain firmly in their wazoos along with the residue of a lot of macaroni salad and Spam.

Residents are being warned to head to shelters for safety, but there are a few little problems with that. For one thing, no bureaucrats have bothered to keep a list of official shelters. In reviewing the shelters they can find, it seems that exactly none of them have been hardened to stand up to even a Category One hurricane (the weakest and most cuddly sized). But having the roof collapse on their heads may be the least of people's problems, because many of the shelters are located in flood zones. Apparently, the emergency preparedness folks never considered the likelihood that a hurricane just might be bringing along a buttload of rain.

If people do go to one of these unsafe shelters (and there's only room for about one fifth of the population), they're being told they'll have to survive in a 3 foot by 3 foot space for up to two weeks, they need to bring their own bedding and anything else important, and - oh yeah! - bring their own food. Because it never dawned on Hawaiian officials that people in shelters might actually need to eat. Although it being Hawaii, there's a fairly good chance that the waves crashing though the shelter doors will bring fresh fish, and coconuts will regularly be exploding through windows at 100 mph. So there are some benefits to living in Paradise.

We're obviously hoping the best for the people of Hawaii, but think this should serve as a graphic (and hopefully not deadly) reminder that there's a great danger in putting too much faith in government bureaucrats to watch after your safety, welfare, and future.

Which is, of course, exactly what those on the Left are shooting for. And if they get their way, we'll all be saying "Aloha" to our very way of life.


This got posted on Facebook on Wednesday, relating to the news of Michael Cohen trying to characterize Trump's hootchy-coo non-disclosure agreements into something more sinister.

Wednesday, August 22, 2018

Tan O'Clock News

Today, we're debuting an exciting and journalistically responsible new feature intended to give a stronger voice to women in the normally testosterone-charged, scotch-swilling, cigar-chomping game of bare knuckle political commentary.

Purely as an aside, we also didn't think the news looked all that interesting today, and we didn't want to stick you with another Earwigs cartoon (no matter how delightful they are).

And so, we launch a bold experiment: grabbing actual headlines from the Drudge Report and getting reactions from some of the brightest young thinkers we could find at the beach.

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Let us know in the comments section if you'd like to see the sporadic return of this feature on slow news days. 

Lady readers should also let us know if you'd like to see a future version of this feature which includes Stilton dispensing wit and wisdom while wearing a Speedo and scented body oil.

Not actually Stilton. The beard and speedo are too big.


Great. So after we declared it to be a slow news day, a whole bunch of feces hit the fan when the Tuesday evening news came on.

Michael Cohen pled guilty to multiple charges including campaign finance violations, and is pinning the blame squarely on Trump (this regarding hush money paid to women who found sex with Trump so incredible that they couldn't resist talking about it even for 6-figure paydays).

Paul Manafort was found guilty on 8 out of 18 charges, virtually none of which have anything to do with Trump and everything to do with the fact that Manafort is a crooked scumbag. BUT, with an eye towards sentencing, who knows what kind of anti-Trump accusations Manafort will now make to try to save his own rear end?

Then tragically, we learned that missing Iowa college student Mollie Tibbetts's body was found when her alleged killer - a Goddamned illegal alien - led police to her corpse.

Who knew that a blog post that started off in such a light-hearted and eye-pleasing way would end with so much ugliness?

Clan MacGregor, here we come.

Monday, August 20, 2018

A Little Beard Told Me

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The news was just a big old "nope" as we were looking for stories today. Granted, some headlines on Drudge briefly caught our attention and caused us to think of reflexive punchlines...

"Baby kissed by Pope overcomes brain tumor" - Pontiff defends use of tongue.

"Twitter admits: we lean left" - In other breaking news, water still wet, sky still blue.

"Nudists see memberships soar" - If your membership soars for more than four hours, see a doctor.

"Al Sharpton botches spelling of R-E-S-P-E-C-T" - Also regrets calling late singer "Urethra Franklin."

"Congressman warms up rally with Trump death joke" - Because frankly, what the hell else can a Democrat say to get a crowd excited?

See what we mean? Anyway, all of the above is why you're being treated to another Earwigs cartoon. By all means feel free to supply your own punchlines in the comments section!