Debate Wipe Out

If you're too young to get this, you're probably safe from coronavirus.

Owing to strict journalistic deadlines which can't be missed if Happy Hour is going to get started on time, we're writing this before the sure-to-be-epic debate between Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders. And we're going out on a pretty sturdy-feeling limb to predict that both fossilized candidates will be losers after shouting nonsense at each other nonstop, playing to dead silence, and without other candidates on stage to give them time to catch their breath, collect their marbles, or enjoy a moment of tinkle time with their adult diapers.

We'll also go on record predicting that both men will talk about the Covid-19 pandemic, and both will assert that they could have handled the crisis much better than the Trump administration is doing. Biden will claim that the virus could be scared off by a couple of shotgun blasts in the air, while Bernie will point out that under a socialist presidency there would have been no run on toilet paper because the stores would have already had empty shelves.

BREAKING NEWS: "PATIENT ZERO" FOUND

Researchers have discovered who the first Covid-19 carrier was, and how this individual spread the illness worldwide...



PARTY TIME

Remember the Donner Party? The one that gave "surprise" parties a horrific new meaning? Well, we're bringing the Donners back in comic form to explore the strange new world of actually living in close proximity with family members as food supplies dwindle and cabin fever sets in.

Hopefully, unlike our other webcomics, we won't still be doing this one ten years from now!

Are We Having Fun Yet?

This won't be a regular post, but considering the way everything seems to be going to Hell, it's hopefully better than nothing.

We're away from our hermetically sealed office at Stilton's Place, and are currently helping daughter Jarlsberg pack up the last of her things here in Oklahoma where, apparently, it's considered the height of good manners for strangers to cough on you.

Meanwhile, we've caught just enough of the news to know that the contents of our portfolio, if cashed, will fit neatly inside a ragged sock which we can take with us when we start living under a bridge (if you see a sad-looking bum holding a sign specifically asking for a few bucks for Clan MacGregor, please give and give generously).

On the home front, we're about to be enjoying the comforts of self-isolation because, for one reason or another, everyone in the household falls into one high-risk category or another. And not just because this column regularly makes fun of Hillary Clinton.

We can't even make a fresh cartoon because we don't have the software with us. It's like a world gone mad! But just for fun, here's a blast from the past when another President was in charge of plagues and (surprise!) screwing it up...

FROM THE VAULT

The first case of Ebola contracted inside the United States has now been documented in Dallas, after a nurse who bravely treated "patient zero" Thomas Eric Duncan tested positive for the virus. Disconcertingly, she was infected despite wearing full protective gear (trust us, "hazmat-chic" will soon be the new fashion rage).

The Center for Disease Control quickly responded that the nurse must have been responsible for a "protocol breach," because, as every political organization knows, nothing can stand up to protocol, including hemorrhagic fever.

Barack Obama, stealing a few precious moments between fundraising, golfing, and conceding defeat in the Middle East, attempted to quell public fears by saying you can't catch Ebola "by sitting next to someone on a bus."   Which is why the CDC is suggesting a new protocol in which medical professionals will skip the hazmat suits and simply treat patients while seated next to them on a bus.

Still, these palliative measures will accomplish little unless the United States can keep additional Ebola carriers from our shores. To that end, the president has ordered Homeland Security and the TSA to upgrade their screening procedures for people entering our country. Formerly, people were simply asked if they've had contact with Ebola victims. Now, after answering "no," they will also be asked to cross their hearts - a security measure previously only used to identify potential terrorists.

To be absolutely fair, it's not Barack Obama's fault that Ebola has found its way into our country. Although it is his fault that tens of thousands of young illegal aliens have crossed the border and been squirreled off to God knows where while carrying scabies, tuberculosis, and in all likelihood the enterovirus which is (ahem) mysteriously infecting children across our nation.

And importantly, it's also his fault that in a time of medical crisis neither the "healthcare" president nor his representatives in the CDC appear to have a well-coordinated response to Ebola - or any credibility whatsoever.

Unless, of course, there's anyone else on the bus.

I See a Bad Wuhan Rising

Please hold your applause - it gets Purell all over the theater seats.

We are indeed currently in the Clam before the Storm. By which we mean that we're doing our best to get everything ready for the fast-approaching time when we have to slam our shell shut and lay low.

The tricky nature of illnesses like Covid-19 which grow exponentially, is that they seem to be doing very little for quite awhile...after which they absolutely explode to uncontrollable levels. We're maybe two weeks away from that - which is why we've been dashing from chore to chore and store to store today to make ready to hunker down (in many stores, the shelves have already been completely cleared of hunker).

The CDC has now said that people over 60 with underlying health issues (and isn't that ALL of them?) should be avoiding the outside world. And in Italy, a modern Western country which is currently giving us a free look two weeks into our future, anyone over 65 who shows up at a hospital with coronavirus symptoms and an underlying health issue isn't even assessed or admitted. They are turned away to die...including in the hospital waiting rooms and halls.

This isn't because medical providers in Italy are insensitive dicks - it's because their hospitals are already overwhelmed, so they're only admitting patients who they might be able to save.

Here in the Jarlsberg household, we are genuinely not panicking - but we are preparing with something of a fevered glint in our eyes. We've pretty much got all the necessities (except enough Purell - how the hell did we miss that?!) and we're making some financial moves online to guard against the possibility of American dollars becoming wildly devalued if and when the government starts wildly printing money to keep the nation afloat as consumer demand dies, businesses close, and people find themselves without paychecks. (Note: the devaluation of our currency is currently an unlikely but not impossible scenario. Care to field this one in the comments, John the Econ?)

And here in the offices of Stilton's Place, all employees are being required to take appropriate precautions to reduce the risk of contagion. Damn it...

The struggle is real.

LATE BREAKING BONUS:

EARLY WARNING: It's entirely possible that we won't post on Friday. No health problems (yet), thank goodness - just a heap of chores that won't wait (hey, Burmese tiger traps don't dig themselves). We'll do our best to get something up here, but if not, be safe and for gosh sake be prepared if you're not already!