Welcome back to another heaping helping of the seemingly endless misery that was the year 2020! According to the number of empty scotch bottles here on our desktop, we've apparently arrived at...
SEPTEMBER
Casting subtlety to the wind, Antifa/BLM just flat out started murdering people in cold blood...and cheering about it. Which no one on the Left really criticized, other than to say the violence was the fault of Trump supporters because they're just so damn fun to kill.
Not that killing was on everyone's mind...
President Trump, the creator of a so-called "climate of hate," was nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize owing to his diplomatic work in the Middle East and North Korea, scaling down current wars, and keeping the largest military power on Earth (us!) from getting involved in any new wars. Sure, all of that wasn't quite as impressive as Barack Obama's Nobel Peace Prize-winning accomplishment of simultaneously being Black and having well-creased pants, but still...not bad for a White guy.
In the face of this accomplishment, Joe Biden's camp had to double down on his strong points...
So Basement Joe Biden was definitely still in the game, but it wasn't the only game in town...
Okay, we just made this up after watching the tortuous pre-game racial lecturing and singing of a new Black National Anthem, "Lift Every Voice in Song, Doo-Dah, Doo-Dah," before whatever the hell NFL game it was that particular Sunday.
As awful as it was, the event was apparently the last entry on a certain person's long, long bucket list...
Ruth Bader Ginsburg died at age 87, after which those on the Left declared that a "most fervent wish" or "final wish" should take precedence over all other pesky legal considerations like the Constitution. Unsurprisingly, President Trump didn't agree, and quickly nominated a replacement to fill Ginsburg's teeny tiny seat on the Supreme Court...
Amy Coney Barrett was such a superb nominee that the Democrats had to resort to new lows to criticize her. She was asked if she had sexually harassed anyone, after which Democrats attacked her for having adopted two black children from Haiti, saying "transracial adoption is fraught with trauma and potential for harm." And they may have had a point: just look at the sad case of the small black boy who was raised by privileged white people instead of his biological parents and grew up, tragically, to be Barack Obama.
But this contentious fight was sidelined when Joe Biden and President Trump finally met on the debate stage...
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| Hey, get an Oval Office you two! |
Just kidding. The "debate" really consisted of the two men shouting spit-flecked insults at each other while alleged moderator Chris Wallace stammered, sipped vodka, and eventually just gave up and played solitaire.
Annoyed at being elbowed out of the news, Covid-19 decided to grab headlines in...
OCTOBER
Donald Trump and many other Washington notables came down with Covid-19, which was likely contracted during the President's surprisingly maskless event announcing Amy Comey Barret's nomination. But was it truly contagion, or was it witchcraft...?
Fortunately, Vice President Mike Pence wasn't infected, allowing him to debate Kamala Harris in a titanic clash which will forever be immortalized in political history for one reason...
Yes, a large fly
landed on Mike Pence's head and sat there for
two hypnotic minutes. Pence seemed entirely unaware of the fly's presence despite the fact that it was putting on little skis and preparing for a downhill run across his snowy head of hair. But Kamala Harris was definitely aware of the fly and showed frustration at her inability to snap it up with her lizard-like projectile tongue owing to the stage's plexiglass coronavirus barriers.
Having heard from the presidential and vice-presidential candidates, we were personally ready to cast our early ballot so we could more fully concentrate on drinking until election day...
Unsurprisingly, we voted for Trump (and against the Democrats). Since this apparently made us fascist members of the Nazi party, we had to reflect on what we were actually voting for:
• To keep the Supreme Court a judicial rather than legislative body.
• To keep racists from gaining even more political power.
• To keep our future votes from being disenfranchised by the addition of new Democrat "states."
• To free Black Americans from their liberal prison plantations by increasing their access to
education and opportunity.
• To stand in solidarity with the Constitution and the Bill of Rights.
• To clean up the FBI, the CIA, and the DOJ.
• To keep socialism from devouring our economy and work ethic.
• To have legal citizenship actually mean something.
• To improve everyone's access to quality, affordable healthcare.
• To ensure equal rights to all regardless of race, color, faith, or sexual orientation.
• To fight against "cancel culture."
• To protect our cities from those who would burn them down without fear of legal
consequence.
• To resist the control of all information and speech by giant media conglomerates.
• To support police agencies and the communities which they serve.
• To maintain a viable economy during the pandemic rather than embrace systemic failure.
• To allow political dissent and the free exchange of ideas.
• To drain the Washington swamp.
• To keep our military strong.
• To put America first.
And much, much more of course. What we didn't vote for, knowingly or unknowingly, were any of the heinous "foul beliefs" liberals imagined to be in our coal-black heart. And as early absentee votes continued to pour in, Trump's campaign suddenly received a special boon...
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| Yes, he really did this |
Joe Biden's son Hunter abandoned a laptop computer which contained thousands of personal photos, including of sex and drug use, and scads of emails which suggested that Joe Biden was selling his influence as Vice President to any foreign country that would line Hunter's pockets (including China and Ukraine). The story, however, didn't get any traction because virtually all "news" media outlets completely ignored it - the only exceptions being the news anchors who calmly reported, with their pants on fire, that the whole story was somehow "Russian misinformation."
Still, just to make sure Biden wouldn't be in the news, it seemed like a good time for surprisingly well-funded and organized rioters to grab the spotlight again...
Buildings burned, looters looted, and fresh waves of Leftist violence swept the streets after police fatally shot a black man for no reason whatsoever other than that he was big, out of his mind, and was chasing them with a butcher knife. Liberals pooh-poohed the danger from "just a knife," while ignoring a simultaneous story from England about an "Allahu Akbar"-spouting maniac who used a similar knife to kill two people and behead a third before his bullet-ridden corpse was delivered to the 72 virgins who, hopefully, had an assload of band-aids handy.
And while we'd usually use the whole knife thing as a setup for an "unkindest cut of all" gag, the real "unkindest cut" was just around the corner in...
NOVEMBER
As votes were more-or-less tabulated on election day, a series of magical events took place: in multiple swing states,
the counting was suddenly halted in the dead of night, observers were made to leave (or were pushed back too far to watch), and absolute craploads of votes for Joe Biden suddenly appeared out of the ether, putting him ahead in races where he'd previously trailed.
Several contentious days later, the media - and only the media - announced that Basement Joe Biden was not only the winner, but had gathered
more votes than any other candidate in history, despite never having drawn a crowd of more than 20 people on the campaign trail. President Trump, credibly claiming election fraud, fought (and continues to fight) the "results" - but the media-blown wind was clearly in Biden's sails...
As the surreal days ticked by, weary Americans were at least able to look forward to Thanksgiving. An attitude which, of course, liberals weren't going to put up with...
Oregon's Governor Kate Brown, who had previously only given thanks for street violence in her state, told citizens to call the (allegedly trigger-happy) police on any neighbors who dared to have more than six people present for Thanksgiving.
On the plus side, Governor Brown did make citizens in 49 other states thankful that they didn't live under her fascist rule.
Eschewing (gesundheit!) a Thanksgiving feast, number-crunchers continued to chew on the wildly unusual election returns...
With election "news" being buried or misrepresented, Americans were free to turn their attentions to the fact that somebody had been blocking Covid relief funding for months...
Nancy Pelosi, in a rare act of almost-truthfulness, admitted that she'd blocked Covid relief money because she didn't want the American people to have any help or good news until there was a different president. Because, and we say this with all due respect, she is a horrible blood-sucking bitch.
But as Hillary Clinton so well knows, no election is really over until the electoral college casts its votes. Which went in Biden's favor, even though he showed up at the wrong location...
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| "God bless trade schools!" |
The voting took place after the failure of a legal challenge, raised by Texas and joined by many other states, that made the reasonable-sounding claim that voters in states with fair elections are harmed by having their votes defecated upon by states with Constitutionally illegal elections.
Being a state vs state case, the matter was immediately sent to the Supreme Court for consideration. Which, being 2020, went like this:
So Christmas came early for Joe Biden, while the rest of America wondered if Christmas would come at all...
Still, the holiday wasn't completely without a measure of Christmas cheer. At least, until we got more doom and gloom from the "Basement Office of the President-Elect"...
Joe Biden announced that "
our darkest days in the battle against Covid are ahead of us," which seemed like an awfully dismal thing to say considering that President Trump had gotten
multiple vaccines to market impossibly quickly and mobilized logistical teams which began delivering inoculations on an unprecedented scale.
We can only assume that Joe's pessimism was related to the self-awareness that he's about to royally screw up everything in our great nation, eagerly assisted by the charlatans, commies, and Constitution-loathing toadies (all very,
very diverse!) who will populate his administration.
As the year draws to a close (in our fantasy, at least, mounting the gallows steps to a waiting rope necktie), President Trump continues to challenge the election results - and this has been a wacky enough year that we wouldn't be surprised if he manages to pull it out. Nor will we be surprised if he doesn't. Because like everyone else, we've been exhausted by the pummeling of this year and just want it to be over.
Which, at the time of this writing, is about 10 hours away. And that's more than enough time for 2020 to still wallop us with an asteroid strike, a super-volcano, a nuclear attack, an alien invasion, Godzilla doing the hop, skip, and jump on a major metropolis, or ravenous zombies rising from their graves in search of brains.
Frankly, watching them starve could be the high point of our year.
