Getting Behind On The News

Readers- As I mentioned on Monday, I'm taking the rest of the week off. My colonoscopy on Tuesday went fine, but the prep and the procedure were pretty tiring. And normally I'd say I just need a little time to lick my wounds, only that paints a picture that none of us wants to imagine.

I'll note that since it was June 15th, I also wrote another massive self-employment tax check to the government. I figured as long as I'm taking it up the poop-chute anyway, I might as well get it all done on the same day.

See you in the comments section!  -Stilton

Weeking Off Again

Oh sure, we can laugh - but he was just awarded a "Pull It, Sir" prize

CNN viewers may want to install windshield wipers on their television sets now that Jeffrey "Sound of One Hand Clapping" Toobin has returned to the air. Toobin had been given some time off for getting off - specifically, on a Zoom call with CNN colleagues during which he grabbed some lotion, a tissue, and then proceeded to pleasure himself while on camera. 

Granted, CNN anchors do that all the time during actual broadcasts, but the action is usually hidden because they're forced to sit behind desks with washable undersides. And the same practice is also rampant at MSNBC, where they winkingly describe their throes of pleasure as "leaning forward."

All of this takes us back to the title of today's post, "Weeking Off Again," because that's what we're going to be doing this week at Stilton's Place. Taking time off, that is, not making obscene Zoom phone calls while pretending that part of our anatomy is a trombone.

We also find ourselves more than a little distracted by an impending colonoscopy on Tuesday, which means fasting all day Monday and then finishing the day with two rounds of chemically-induced explosive diarrhea. Sort of like if Dr. Fauci sent our tax dollars to Wuhan to create "gain of function" mutations in Ex-Lax.

And of course, we're not really nuts about the invasive procedure itself, likely to be performed with surplus equipment from the canceled "Keystone XL" pipeline project. Although on the bright side, we think we should at least be able to rack up some Woke points for scheduling our anal invasion during Pride month.

(Side note: "News" sources are delightedly reporting that Kamala Harris "made history" by being the first VP to march in a rainbow-striped Pride Parade over the weekend. Our thought is that walking one freaking block isn't even news, let alone history. And more importantly, pretty much EVERY VP has marched in Pride Parades over the years. Okay, back then they were called "4th of July" parades, but trust us, snowflakes - they were about pride.)

Anyway, we've decided to take the entire week off (barring really spectacular events) in order to step away from the news for a bit and make an effort to get some joie de vivre. Which, the astute among you will already have guessed, is French for "Clan MacGregor."

As always, the comments section will remain open and lively - see you there!

BREAKING NEWS: ARKANCIDE HOTLINE

Unsurprisingly, Jeffrey Epstein was unavailable for comment

Sitting On Attacks

Dr. Anthony "Satan's Little Helper" Fauci spoke out Wednesday against his growing legion of critics, saying that an attack on him is really an attack on science.

"A lot of what you're seeing as attacks on me, quite frankly, are attacks on science," whined the man who helped bankroll the pandemic, "because all of the things that I have spoken about consistently from the very beginning have been fundamentally based on science."

(We pause in our commentary to express our hopes that the word "fundamentally" will fully recover from being savagely pummeled beyond recognition.)

"People want to fire me or put me in jail for what I've done," Fauci said accurately, until adding, "namely, follow the science."

Which makes us think that he's a little unclear on the whole concept of "following"...

And speaking of things that are hard to follow, we're feeling confused about two seemingly conflicting statements recently issued by the Biden administration. His ironically named intelligence agencies recently declared that the greatest threat to our nation is posed by White Supremacists, assuming that any can eventually be found. Yet Biden himself declared that the greatest threat to our nation (and the world!) comes from climate change.

Hopefully, some good old-fashioned investigative journalism can help sort out this contradiction soon...