Boston Baked Beings

By now, it's pretty safe to say that anyone who doesn't believe that the Covid virus came straight out of the poorly run, unmonitored, US taxpayer-backed Wuhan Institute of Virology is a godforsaken idiot. A towering icon of ignorance. A person whose IQ is expressed in negative numbers because other people get dumber just standing near them.  But remarkably, they are not the stupidest people on Earth.

No, that would be the researchers at Boston University who playfully wondered what would happen if they took the original Covid virus and the more recent, more communicable variants and combined them in a laboratory. It turns out you get a peachy new virus with an 80% kill rate, as opposed to the approximately 3% kill rate that the unmodified virus had.

The researchers did not inform authorities of their Frankensteinian experiments because they "didn't think they had to." They also pointed out that their enhancement of bat virus to bat-out-of-hell virus wasn't actually forbidden "gain of function" research because hey look over there a squirrel! No, no - they said it wasn't gain of function because it was just a combination of functions which, more or less coincidentally, are unfathomably lethal.

To discourage future attempts by researchers to poke Armageddon with a sharp stick, it would seem prudent to visit a disciplinary action on Boston University. Which we're thinking should be several kilotons at the very least. 

Not that we're suggesting America nuke one of its own universities! We're just suggesting that somebody put the bug in Putin's ear that Boston University has huge strategic value and a surprise multiple warhead strike would certainly prove to the world that Vlad needs to be taken seriously.

But for now, nobody seems to be doing diddly squat to stop this existential madness and life goes on as usual. Which in Boston means going to the University wet market to buy used lab rats with which to make chowder.

It's funny because it's true

STAND-UP KIND OF GUY

I reported a few weeks ago that I've enrolled in an online course (via Zoom) in stand-up comedy, and Monday marked my first two-minute performance for the class. And I think they likely see me as the next Rodney Dangerfield because they gave me no respect...no respect at all. Or laughs.

To be fair, both my material and delivery were on the eccentric side: "Introverts like me only attend the Introverts Anonymous meetings because it feels so good when we can finally go home."

Plus, if you're doing comedy what you want is an audience of relaxed people who are already having fun and are likely intoxicated. For our class, what each of us had was an audience of about five people on Zoom, all of whom were tasting stomach acid while nervously anticipating their own two-minute set.

And they were nervous for good reason, as it turns out that their material was even sketchier than mine. But hey, that's why we're all taking the class - so we can have our dreams dashed now without years of hecklers throwing beer bottles at us.

Fortunately, I have no desire to pursue a career (or even a hobby) in stand-up. But as a lifelong humorist,  I'm academically interested in the inner workings of stand-up as an art form. So I'm genuinely enjoying the class and, for the sake of verisimilitude, instituting a two-drink minimum at my house for future performances.

MEAT AND GREET

Amazon, in its infinite algorithmic wisdom, frequently suggests things it thinks I should buy based on my taste, discernment, and overall sense of elegance. And they may have nailed it with this recommendation:

Oh yeah, baby! That's me all over! Or maybe just meat all over!

When I see products like this I always have the same scenario run through my head; somewhere in the world, in a darkened bedroom, a man suddenly sits bolt upright and shouts "Eureka!"
"Wha...?" his wife, Eureka, will yawn. "Is everything okay?"
"Better than okay, baby! The future is ours! We're about to have it all! Unlimited wealth and a life of extravagance and joy!"
"Oh," the sleepy wife mumbles. "Another idea...?"
"THE idea, honey! THE idea!"
"What is it...?"
"A SUMMER HAT THAT LOOKS LIKE RAGGED CHUNKS OF RAW MEAT! I'll start production tomorrow with our life savings and the kids' college money!"

But say this for the dreamer, he got his hat made. I honestly have no idea what this would be good for, other than gifting it to some a**hole in your life along with a season pass to this place:

Nature Trivia: These guys never prosper

Goodbye Columbus Day

I had planned to wish everyone a Happy Columbus Day today, but then I remembered that only a privileged, genocidal, imperialistic a**hole would celebrate such a historical calamity. So instead, I'm wishing you a politically correct but not-so-happy Indigenous Peoples Day. You can buy greeting cards at any Hallmark display under the category "White Guilt."

On Indigenous Peoples Day, we celebrate those who lived on this land before we did and honor them by observing traditional native customs such as not delivering mail and snacking on holiday foods like free-range gluten-free pemmican. 

And this year, more than ever, it might be good for us to take some time to seriously consider the simple, basic, hand-to-mouth, back-to-Earth lifestyles of our North American progenitors. Because with Joe "I'm a member of the Puerto Rico tribe" Biden as point man in our current game of nuclear chicken with Russia, we might all be living at a subsistence level soon...

Baby BOOMers

There is a popular misconception that "Baby Boomers" got their name because they were born in the population explosion following the return of manly men from World War II. In reality, members of my generation are called "Baby Boomers" because we had it drilled into us that "boom" was the last freaking sound we'd ever hear after our eyeballs were melted and our skin was fried like bacon by a nuclear detonation that could happen at any moment. 

Although it never happened, those lessons stuck with us - greatly reinforced by the Cuban Missile Crisis - and we've been in a state of anxiety ever since. This perhaps explains why we seem to be the only ones really worrying about the possibility of a nuclear war that could happen at any moment. 

If anyone would like to make the argument that the world is a saner place now than back in the 50's, I'm willing to listen - but your odds of convincing me aren't peachy. So I'm pretty uncomfortable with Putin's escalating nuclear saber-rattling, even if he IS a pal of Barack "Tell Vlad I'll Be More Flexible" Obama.

Maybe it's just me, but there's just something in the air that feels like Putin is determined to put at least one nuke into play soon, which might immediately trigger the world's shortest and most final game of dominoes.

Fortunately for our national security, we've got Joe Biden at the helm...

Hopefully, nothing will come of this. But just to be on the safe side, I'm laying in some extra food and water (and by "water" I mean Clan MacGregor). And on Ebay, I've found the one and only thing that can protect a human from a nuclear blast - and it's a bargain at just $100 plus shipping!

I just hope it gets here in time.