Monday, June 5, 2023

Drawing A Punchline In The Sand

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And the hourglass will be sent to Sand Quentin

Will any of us ever forget exactly where we were when we heard the news that Joe Biden, the most beloved president in history, had been attacked by a rogue sandbag that caused him to take a spectacular and potentially lethal pratfall? And the answer is...yes. Most of us will forget, including Joe Biden himself who, only hours later, knocked the bejeezus out of his forehead when exiting a helicopter after mistakenly assuming that the door's height, like the debt ceiling, was an imaginary limit.

To prevent incidents like these from happening in the future, the president's Secret Service detail is receiving additional training to assure that all agents are prepared to throw themselves on any shuffle-disrupting obstacles in the president's path and that when Mr. Biden approaches a low doorway the agents will shout something other than "duck!" since that always causes him to look upward and ask "where?"

The president is now also reconsidering his support of Pride Month, pointing out that "pride goeth before a fall" and that a fall can be especially dangerous "if you go ass-over-teakettle in front of a pride of lions." 

In related news, the sandbag is currently standing at #2 in GOP presidential candidate polls and is considered to be the candidate most likely to decisively beat Joe Biden in a debate.

Friday, May 26, 2023

Take A Stand-Up

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News broadcasts are a lot like comedy clubs these days. Not just because the stories are preposterous, but because there's a two-drink minimum just to get through them.

The stories above are true (except for the punchlines) and aren't even the best ones of the week. But complex stories just don't want to fit into those itty-bitty word balloons. One I would have liked to play with is that Hillary Clinton is increasingly hinting to the media that she would be available to run for president if there was a need. It's actually pretty funny to hear Hillary damn Joe Biden with very faint praise, saying things like he can probably get some more good things done if he can "keep his focus." Which is as tasty a wink-wink nudge-nudge reference to dementia as you'll find anywhere.

DeSantis also announced that he's running for president on Twitter, which has caused the Lefties to declare that Elon Musk is a racist, a satanist, and a Nazi and that Twitter has lost all credibility now that Musk has made it harder for the DNC to hire bots from China to skew Twitter polls.

Another story that I found very interesting (but admittedly know little about) is that the head of the "Oath Keepers" was just sentenced to 18 years in prison for his "seditious acts" relating to the January 6th holocaust in Washington. Even though the man, Stewart Rhodes, never entered the Capitol building, didn't use a weapon, and clearly didn't convince anyone to take over the government in an actual coup attempt. In striking contrast, this week some 19-year-old wannabee terrorist actually rented a U-Haul truck, deliberately crashed it into steel stanchions in front of the White House, then was arrested after he admitted that he was there to kidnap Joe Biden and/or Kamala Harris, kill them if necessary, and take over the government himself. The media instantly declared the kid to be a murderous white supremacist but had to backtrack when it turned out that he's some kind of foreigner from the Middle East (based on his name) and is neither white nor a citizen of our country. Still, that whole plan to commit murder for the purpose of taking over the government sounds pretty insurrection-y to me, so he's probably looking at 18 years in the pokey, right? Wrong. Once it was learned that he wasn't a white supremacist the Left just wanted the story to go away, so the kid has had his charges reduced to willfully damaging a steel post. That whole kidnapping and killing the president thing? No problem.

And speaking of posts, I've pretty much gotten to the end of this one. So I'll see you in the comments area!

Monday, May 22, 2023

Hail and Salutations

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Greetings, all! Time moves in odd ways for me these days and I apologize for going so long between posts. Much of that is due to the fact that I haven't been doing anything exciting enough to write about, and the news is so aggravatingly stupid that I can't bear to watch much of it. But still, enough trickles in for me to at least have a little headline fun. 

So why did I title this post "Hail and Salutations?" Because on Friday we had some pretty impressive Texas hail around here...

That's not my hand, by the way. Rather, that's a picture shot by someone who lives maybe 10 minutes from my house. Windshields were shattered, cars were dented, roofs ruined, and anyone who let a smile be their umbrella was probably killed outright. Seriously, you do NOT want to be outdoors when this stuff hits.

My house was hit by the hail but less impressively. Still, my lawn looked like a tossed salad afterward because of all of the shredded leaves ripped from the trees. Here's some video (again, not mine) of the fun...

And that's my meager but heartfelt Monday offering. May your week be filled with fun, laughter, success, and non-murderous skies!