Monday, July 1, 2019

An Ill Wind Just Blows

Readers- We're a bit under the weather today with some sort of intestinal condition which necessitates spending more time in the bathroom than the office. We're guessing it's related to having watched 20 Democrats in just two days last week. According to WebMD, that constitutes a fecal overdose.

But rather than leave you empty-handed, we're sharing another example of what we do when we're empty-headed. Feel free to play along (or talk about the news of the day) in the comments section!

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, earwigs, men carrying chair
The Weemler triplets sleep in shifts.


M. Mitchell Marmel said...

Don Garlits: The early years.

j said...

Hope you get better soon. Imodium always works for me.

james daily said...

I missed Sunday lunch with the family yesterday suffering from the same. When I have that particular occurrence, I do not go to restaurants. Get better soon. It is usually not life threatening but I could be wrong.

Fred Ciampi said...

Take care of yourself Stilt, that's number one. You have to watch the dee-bates because you write about them. I don't have enough moonshine to get me through them. And, we be sending a prayer or three your way.

Emmentaler Limburger said...

Why did I laugh so ha at the Hawking line?!

Pat Cummings said...

Ah, @Emmentaler Limburger! Your familactic relationship with Stilton is showing with that punishing typo...

Sally Jo said...

That last one tho...


Kishka said...

Your current affliction could qualify you as a Democrat contender, especially if you mention "free'.

Ole Scrapper said...

It's always a joy to read your attack wisdom:).. the virus blows through from time to time, kinda makes for long stays in places unmentionable heh. Please care for yourself and prayers are remembered.

Geoff King said...

If you would care to try a homeopathic remedy, Mallow tea is very good for all kinds of stomach and digestive ailments.
Mallow grows just about anywhere the ground has been disturbed, including, quite likely, next to your own driveway.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@M. Mitchell Marmel- Learning to make the "vroom, vroom!" sounds is critical at this stage.

@j- Trust me, imodium is on my shopping list for today. And maybe Depends.

@james daily- This doesn't really feel/act like a normal stomach bug. Looking up my symptoms online, I've either got nothing to worry about or I'm dying.

@Fred Ciampi- While you're sending a prayer or three, don't forget number two. So to speak.

@Emmentaler Limburger- Because you're a horrible person? No, wait - that would be.

@Pat Cummings- I deny that relationship. Hell, I've never even been IN Bergdorf Goodman with Emmentaler!

@Sally Jo- As long as I'm already going to Hell, I might as well enjoy myself.

@Kishka- My campaign slogan will be "Attack from the rear!"

@Ole Scrapper- Thanks for the good wishes. I'm going to be spending a lot of time in the "reading room" today.

@Geoff King- I appreciate the suggestion, though my stomach is shrieking "don't do it!" For now, my non-medicinal treatment is peppermint, which theoretically soothes gastrointestinal smooth muscles. And makes your poop smell like candy canes.

Maoz said...

Stilt, refuah shleimah umeherah - may you have a complete and speedy recovery!

Doc said...

Somehow I don't think brother Gunderthorpe will be able to enjoy the full benefits of the family birthing chair.

Don said...

Beware and in your condition, keep these wise words in mind.
It's better to fart upon the pot than in your pants some shit you got!

Anonymous said...

This is a pretty cool way to steal a chair!

ringgo1 said...

Leading from (the) behind, are we?

Glenda T Goode said...

Ahhh, you are suffering from:

Beto's Revenge?

Ocasio Surprise?

Sanders Gas??

A bad case of Biden-itis brought on by the plagerism bug???

Kamala-Go all the time???


Newark Blues???? (Brought on by Cory Booker Disease)

Pocahontas Revenge??

I'm out...anyone else got one????

ringgo1 said...

@Glenda T Goode: Kirsten Jellybrain syndrome?

Gee M said...

my sympathies, mr jarlsberg.

per el earwig...

greg learned the hard way not to sit at mama's table and criticize the president.

Sortahwitte said...

All the best for a speedy recovery. Remember the definition of "surprise".
A solid, or not, fart. Also, keep those sneezes to a minimum.

Sortahwitte said...

The first chinese astronaut being loaded into his black powder powered space vehicle.

Colby Muenster said...

Good ones! And I'll even admit I giggled a bit at the last one.

Hope you get on the mend soon, at least before you run out of toilet paper. Just think of it as a colonoscopy without the fun bit where you sleep through the actual butt probe! Now that brightened your day, didn't it?

My poor contribution to the Earwigs:

"Cory and Beto snickered to themselves while carrying Sleepy Joe off stage during the commercial break."

John the Econ said...

Joe Biden's security detail practices for when the campaign schedule gets really busy.

Carry-over from last week regarding trans-people and health care: I've long argued that one of the consequences of nationalized health care in addition to rationing and long wait times will be that identity groups with politically recognized constituencies will get special treatment while normal citizens will be made to wait. Case in point with what is currently going on with Britain's nationalized health service:

Men who identify as women are being invited for cervical smear tests even though they don’t have a cervix

However, women who identify as male are not being offered crucial routine breast screenings or cervical cancer checks. WOMEN who identify as male are not being offered vital routine breast screenings and cervical cancer checks in case it offends them. But men identifying as women will be invited for cervical smear tests – even though they don’t have a cervix.

Long wait times, failing hospitals, people dying before they can get what we'd consider basic care. But they have the resources to dedicate to indulging biological men with imaginary pap smears. Meanwhile, they'll actually biological women who are at an actual risk of breast cancer for fear of offending them. Seriously.

If some guy wants to walk around dressed as and pretending he's a woman, I really don't care. But if I have to wait an extra week to see a doctor because the system is indulging this kind of insanity?

Just who is more insane? A man who wants a pap smear or the supposedly legit medical establishment that willingly indulge men who want pap smears?

If you think we've got "division" in America now, just wait until everything's "socialized" and you will no longer be able to get the products and services you do now because the state has decided to indulge someone else's mental illness.

Anonymous said...

Fecal overdose, for sure.
Stay away from the TV for a few days.
It should clear up.

Chris said...

This is how the EMTs got my mother out to the ambulance.

DougM said...

Rodge, you know how I hate these things:
• Putting super glue on the Captain's chair is a common Navy prank
• The Navy has a simulator for everything, even gold-bricking
• If you get a female sailor pregnant on-board, they hold a kind of shotgun wedding
• Stilton complains of tummy trouble, gets readers to carry the load today
• Ensign Williams wore golf cleats into the O-Club against regulations
• Medics demonstrate how to carry an unconscious sailor after CPO Johnson demonstrated how to make a sailor unconscious
• Thompson was put on restricted duties after his hernia operation and milked it for all it was worth
• As senior man, Peterson always got to ride during these things

AuricTech Shipyards said...

While riding in his sedan chair, Joe sometimes liked to put the top down.

John the Econ said...

Meanwhile, uncomfortably close to our leader's environs:

Starting Monday, homeless people will be able to camp on city sidewalks

Proponents of the rule change have argued that this will help homeless people break the cycle of homelessness.

Interestingly, the homeless will not be permitted to camp at City Hall.

If I was an activist type and lived in Austin, I'd set up camp in front of the homes of the people who voted for this and then set up cameras just to see how that worked out. My guess is that enforcement will be somewhat selective.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Maoz- Thank you!

@Doc- Despite his having a "wide stance."

@Don- Yes, I'm definitely on shart watch at the moment.

@Anonymous- It's all about misdirection!

@ringgo1- Yep. And sometimes groaning "OHHHHH-bama" at the moment of truth.

@Glenda T Goode- You left out Marianne Williamson's promise to "harm ass" love.

@Gee M- Good punchline and great idea!

@Sortahwitte- I'm trying not to sneeze, cough, or hiccup. And regarding that explosive first chinese astronaut, I think his name was Kung Pow.

@Colby Muenster- Yes, there's sort of a "colonoscopy prep" quality about my affliction. Seeing a doctor today, as it's likely my arch-enemy diverticulitis making another appearance. And hey, I LIKE your punchline!

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@John the Econ- When you talk about doctors giving imaginary pap smear tests and ignoring routine (but important) items of women's health care because those women identify as men, I think the answer to having insufficient medical resources is to let those patients be seen by fake doctors who identify as real doctors.

@NSF- An excellent idea!

@Chris- I hope your mother was okay...and that you got the chair back.

@DougM- Fine entries all. And good work picking up the nautical mode. I could tell these guys were sailors but didn't really run with it (so to speak...)

@AuricTech Shipyards- Now that's luxury!

@John the Econ- I don't know WHAT the Hell they're thinking in Austin. How Texas has allowed a mini-San Francisco to flourish as our state capital is beyond me, and angers me no end.

John the Econ said...

"...I think the answer to having insufficient medical resources is to let those patients be seen by fake doctors who identify as real doctors."

Brilliant idea, actually. Unfortunately, we know the Progressives will never stand for that. They'll demand only the best for their most delusional constituents. It's the working, middle-class citizens who can't wait for care that will ultimately in desperation end up going to the fake doctors.

Your mini-San Francisco: The Progressive virus spreading. Beto actually threatened Ted Cruz! How long will will Texas stay red, especially now that it's been flooded with Californians?

Colby Muenster said...

@John the Econ,
Same thing happening in Wyoming and Arizona, and Colorado already fell to the enemy. We see a lot of New Yorkers moving into North Carolina, trying to escape the burdensome taxes and dumbass laws. Fine by me, but please leave your liberal mindset at the Virginia border, thank you. If you miss having a Democrat gubmint, feel free to move back to NY.

DougM said...

(stealing from AuricTech)
• Joe's new sedan chair had the latest reclining seat option

• These guys crossed through customs like this every day for months. The inspectors searched 'em for contraband every trip but found nothing. Finally, the inspectors gave up and gave the guys a free pass if they'd tell 'em what they were smuggling.
"Chairs" they said.

(the old ones are the best)

Anonymous said...

In Russia, you don't play musical chairs, you ARE the musical chair.

Speaking of musical. I hope everything comes out alright, Stilt.
Stomach virus really blows. Ugh.


Rod said...

The Flying Wallendas well before they first got their family high-wire act off; then later, back on, the ground.