Wednesday, July 31, 2019
Not So Silent But Deadly
To be completely honest, we're writing this before Tuesday night's Democrat debate (the first of a two night series) so we have no way of knowing the specifics of what the candidates will say. But we still feel fairly safe in our assumption that the cartoon above has captured the essence of the event.
Still, even from our viewpoint here in the past, we think there are a number of things we can predict about Tuesday's debate. Let's see how many of these we get right...
• Elizabeth Warren and Bernie Sanders, finally on the same stage, will shout themselves hoarse while trying to offer more free stuff than the other candidate is offering. Their combined offerings will total more money than there's ever been, or will ever be, but both will claim that the cash will magically materialize if a massive tax is levied on the evil rich.
• Beto O'Rourke and Pete Buttigieg will each try to eliminate the other, so as to be the surviving "young, alternative" candidate. O'Rourke hopes to accomplish this by inviting as guests several black high school football players who kneel during the playing of the national anthem. In this way, O'Rourke can make the important political point that it isn't only women soccer players who are assholes. Buttigieg, on the other hand, may respond that he is far, far more experienced in matters related to kneeling.
And our predictions for tonight's debate...
• Joe Biden, after promising to be "not so nice" to his political attackers, will challenge Kamala "Biden and his Klan buddies threw garbage while Norman Rockwell painted me walking into elementary school" Harris to meet him behind the gym to duke it out.
• Cory Booker, after gaining no ground by claiming that his testosterone levels make him want to punch Trump in the face, will walk back his statement by claiming that he actually has so much estrogen that he only threatened to attack the President because he was feeling cranky during his period.
The big topics of both nights will be racism and healthcare, followed closely by student debt forgiveness and the absolutely critical need to impeach Donald Trump for being Donald Trump. Little will be said about Russia or Mueller, (except, perhaps, in the context of discussing long term healthcare for the senile) and even less will be mentioned about the way Democrats routinely turn cities into soul-destroying slums.
There is, however, one bright spot in all of this. Which is that, after being on meds for diverticulitis for a month, we have now been cleared to start drinking liquor again. Whew - that was a close one!
Posted by Stilton Jarlsberg at 12:01 AM